Autumn

when love falls apart slowly
and hearts feel so paper thin
thin enough to crumble at any moment
like the autumn leaves

air so crisp
takes your breath away
like the last kiss, the last words

golden skies at dusk
the last chance, the last spark
like a candle burning out

falling slowly
drifting slowly
fading slowly

a w a y

I always believed that the only way to find myself
was to push everyone away

Part of me wants to be alone
depending on myself, no one else
that way no one could hurt me

Part of me wants to fall so deeply in love
with my eyes closed, no fears, no doubts

I've come to realize that I'd rather feel real, true love
& all the pain that comes with it
than be alone, isolated
within my walls

because feeling pain is better than feeling nothing at all.

A million other choices
but the one that is wrong
is the one I will always choose

because I love playing with fire
I collect the ashes each time I'm burnt
and put them in the hands of my demons
they haunt me every night

I want
to go somewhere
that doesn't require
you
to check
and see if anyone is
watching us.
I want
to hold your hand
without you
looking out of the corner
of your eye,
making sure
no one is
throwing us
***** looks.
I want
to look at you
lovingly
without having to worry
about someone
catching on.
So let's escape,
run free,
get away
from this place.
You and I
against
the world.

i’ve never had feelings for anyone who could be good for me. i’ve never been interested in someone where a good, healthy relationship could’ve resulted, and maybe that’s why i’m so jaded, because everyone i’ve ever liked has just been a distraction or a house on fire— someone i know i shouldn’t be involved with, but i’ll give myself just a few more days to run around frantically with my hands over my eyes, peaking through the cracks between my fingers, searching for things i know i don’t really need, and then i’ll dash out and run down the driveway and the smog will linger for a little while, and the neighbors will complain, and i’ll sit on the curb with my forehead on my knees, holding nothing but intangible regret. next, i’ll either get over it, or obsessively think about him and the ashes smudged on the inside of my eyelids for longer than my sanity. i’ve never really liked someone and been able to daydream about the real possibility of us turning into something greater; of tire swings and painted mailboxes and overgrown, green lawns. it’s always been pretending and fake hope and melodramatic doom. i think it’s messed up my perception of having feelings for someone, because i can never take it seriously— either i know he’s not right for me, or i know the circumstances prohibit the possibility of us. it makes me never want to give anyone a chance (i can’t even see anyone worth chance-giving) because i know how it ends. i don’t like having this closed off heart so early on; i’m too young to be this bitter.

I am not as weak as I once was
but nothing could make me strong enough to ignore you

No one had ever looked at me the way you did
and I'd give anything to stare into those eyes again
I remember (how could I forget)
Your words that made me feel on top of the world and
Your words that made me fall to rock bottom

You say I have a piece of you here
A piece I'll never be satisfied with
I need all of you, here, with me