I am not feeling anything,
I am numb.
My heart is encased in something so impenetrable,
Not even I can set it free.
As I lay, I try to feel,
Even the tiniest bit of emotion,
Impossible.
I'm searching for something, anything.
A tear to roll down my face, some hair pulling...

I hear the faintest palpitation of a heart beat.

Get me a doctor, a cure-er,
A poet, a writer.
Someone who can either give me drugs to help cope or stitch me up with a pen.
I'll wait, I'll even count to ten...

...

Didn't think so,
What now?
Do I cut myself open,
Just to test if I bleed?
Or do I keep feigning cares?
Want me to repeatedly say I Love You,
With a blank stare?

Don't call me emotionless, heartless, etc.
I hate it when people point out the obvious.
Use new adjectives,
Like scarred, or a giver-upper, a try-hard,
You know, something that isn't easily seen on the surface.
Something you have to search deep to discover.

What if you dig deep enough and find a treasure?
Imagine finding gold and pearls.
You've set me free, I'm finally happy.
But I'd hate to imagine what comes after.
After you discover what I'm made of,
Will your motives change?
Before it was to help now it's to use me.
Now you want to lather yourself in my riches until I've run out straight to the core.
Might even nibble on what's left,
And then I am left.
As always.
Left for dead.

I heal bit by bit,
I don't remember anything.
I feel hollow but start filling up with nothingness.
I feel softness but only for a split second until that all too familiar hard shell forms.

I'm back.
I feel normal in this terrifying state.
I want to feel, I want to touch and taste and rejoice but-
there's nothing.
No matter how hard I try.

All too soon I hear some news,
Some poor soul hit rock bottom after being rotten rich.

Don't come seeking for comfort in me,
Don't try and use me for your selfish needs.
Just like you I am needy, a loner,
I am a sucker fish hoping to find and taste even the smallest amount of life,
A roamer, searching for *something, anything.

You the manipulator,
How stupid was I
To believe the lies you told me
Telling me you love me,
That I am the one
And you haven't told anyone this before,
Making me feel special,
Telling me it's okay, just one more time,
It's okay I won't tell anyone,
Just the tip, please, one more ****.
Why I didn't walk out of that room,
I ask myself everyday.
I wasn't as strong as I am now,
I was young and naive.
Naive of what you were telling me
And the actions you were making,
Putting my hands where you wanted them
And saying it's okay
When your dad was sitting right there.
But you never returned the favor, did you?
How stupid was I to believe your lies and let you manipulate me
To make me believe I wanted to do the things you were making me do,
To make me think I was acting out of love,
But look at you, selfish you,
I see through you now.
How you've done this to thousands of girls
And they fall for it every time.
They fall for your looks and your charm,
But little do they know,
You're a disgusting excuse for a man,
Manipulating girls for ***
And making them believe you love them.
Look at you,
Selfish and manipulative you,
And I am finally seeing it.