I'll walk into my home smelling like cancer and tasting like death because I don't want you. I'm selfish. I want you to break up with me. I want you to be so disgusted by my habits that it breaks you down until you realize that I'm not going to wait for you to figure out that I don't need you. I need space and you're not letting me push you away. I need you to push away from me; break me apart so that I'll at least know you aren't incapable of feeling broken. I want you to leave me so I don't have to deal with you being broken because of me. I can't do it anymore. I've broken so many people, but for some reason I can't break you. So, I need you to break me.

maybe it's not what i'm saying
but rather, what's not being said.
perhaps you are more defensive, because neither of us are willing
willing to break down
willing to bow and respect
maybe there was no sense of respect in the first place
perhaps
just perhaps
we were not meant to be here.
perhaps i am in the wrong place, at the wrong time
and you are having an allergic reaction
you are swelling and your breathing turns ragged
your eyes turn red and everything hurts.

maybe i should have listened to you.
i should have stayed away.
i went to you, and i thought i was being an adult.
i thought i was making the right choice, but
your actions are screaming otherwise.

i walk in the room and your whole body
reacts to me.
you lean away, you stiffen, you are offended
by my existence.


maybe i am an enigma and you can't stand me,
maybe i am nothing more than a blip on your screen.
maybe we are not meant to be here
and maybe i should just leave.

would you miss me if i left?

Here's what's going to happen:
I'm going to kick. I'm going to scream. I'm going to hate you. I'm going to want you to cave and let me near you. I'm going to cry because you know I can't be near you, because I have Lost My Way; and I will hate you. I will fight. I will yell. I will be so stubborn, you'll wonder who this person even is. It is of utmost importance though, that you keep your distance. Be with me, but keep it during daylight hours. Don't let me descend into myself, I will stay there if you let me. I will wallow, and I will turn into a self-loathing human and I will sink deeper into depression. And I will do nothing to fight it. I will not want this. I will be bitter. I will be angry.

But please do not leave me. Talk to me. I will return to the person you love, and I will be back very shortly. I need to get a grip on my person as a whole, and I need to not be based on you. You are a human, separate from me. I want to spend my life with you, not because of you. You mean so much to me, and I hate putting you through the depressing hell I am raising. You deserve better.

Seriously. I hate that I do this thing, where I become an accessory of my own merit. I turn myself into your pet, your porcelain doll; you can do as you please to me, and I will not fight back. I will turn into a soulless human, and I will be useless. You deserve better.

Again, I wish I knew how to tell you this with my own mouth. I wish I knew how to deal with this on my own. But all reality is, I need you. I need you more than I need sleep. I just don't want to have to depend on you to be happy. Does this make sense? I'm sorry. I may be rambling again. Perhaps you'll be able to make sense of it. I don't know.

can we talk?
can we talk about how uncomfortable i am, when you put me in the middle of this?
can we talk about how i want to be there for you, but when you tell me there isn’t anything wrong, so  i can’t do anything?
can we talk about how you tell me not to worry, when worry is clearly etched onto your face?
can we talk about how you look at her during the day, or how you dream about her still?
can we talk about the way i want you, i want all of you? i want the pain, i want the hurt. i want you to feel safe in my arms.
can we talk about vulnerability, and how we’re kind of at a stand off?
can we talk about how i  wish that we were open about our past?

or is it just me?
am i hiding, am i making things up?
am i being cynical?
this has happened before.
is there something wrong with me?
i don’t want a pity party, i don’t want drama.
rule number one: no drama.

i don’t want her name to sit in your mind, it sits like a poison that seeps into your eyes and through your blood.
i can physically feel your pain, and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it.
what can i do, to keep this going? it hasn’t even been two months.  i feel threatened. i feel lost. i feel sick. i feel like something is wrong, and i can do nothing about it.

which is why i am staying home this week. i am staying away from you, until i can clear my mind.

i’m so sorry i have to do this for my own sanity. i’m sorry i let it get this confusing to me.


i’m sorry that i throw myself into a tizzy over little things like her.




i’m sorry i don’t know how to tell you all this with my own mouth.






i’m so sorry.

HOLD MY HAND
KISS ME WHEN I'M NOT LOOKING
COVER MY EYES WHEN YOU THINK I AM SCARED
RUN AWAY WHEN I START TO LOVE YOU
BREAK ME APART WHEN I THINK YOU'RE THERE FOR ME
STEP ON MY SHADOWS AND MAKE FUN OF ME BEHIND MY BACK
PULL MY STRINGS AND MAKE ME DANCE
MAKE ME FEEL THE MOST SCARED I HAVE EVER BEEN
TEAR UP MY RIBCAGE AND LET THE DUST ESCAPE THROUGH YOUR FINGERS
DARE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH ME

there it is
the familiar disconnect
saying
run
run far away
and never return

run from your responsibilities
run from the truth
run from your fears, they won't follow you
run from the lies, you deserve better anyhow
run from your friends, they don't need you
run from the light that keeps you warm
run from the freedom you did nothing for
run from place you call home, call it temporary
run from yourself,
recreate your mind
your body
your soul
you
you are now me
i am now you
and i am not who you were
just five minutes ago

i am a voice
a thought
the persona you wish didn't exist
i am the voice that leads you in the direction you should go
i am the voice that speaks softly to you in your sleep

What if my worst nightmare comes true?
What if I become what I most fear?
What then?
Do I end all, destroy all hopes of any kind of future and bring hundreds down with me?
Or do I embrace it, face the fear and ridicule and mockery and shame and embarrassment and the myriad of voices laughing, crying, screaming,
"I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU SO I TOLD YOU"

Fading away like the light of the sun
I can’t keep this smile up forever
Head pounding, heart racing, mind reeling
Does anybody truly live while they are alive?

We can’t keep playing these games.
I need to figure out what I’m doing to myself.
I ran away from my mistakes (problems)
And now they’re catching up to me.

You know I’ll always love you,
But right now I just don’t like you.
I miss the trust, the openness.
I miss the freedom, the space.

~x~

Why did you kiss me?
Why do you hold me, and tell me what I want to hear?
I wish I could do the same, I sincerely do.
But I think we both know that it’s not meant to be.
I realize that I did what I said I was never going to do:
I ran away when things got difficult
i was afraid, and I still am.
I lost friends because of ‘us’, and I can’t let it happen again.

these colors make me happy
Unlike these recent events
Thoughts of life I’ll never know
Color me dark with jealousy and Pain
But these feelings should not be here
'Cause these colors are much too bright
to hinder loving feelings on this lovely Monday night.
Unexplained realities slap me around
exasperated  voices crying out, begging to be seen
And still I sit and let my sad life pass me by.

Without a second thought, the words come flowing from my mind
Falling freely, all walls have come crashing down.
Expose, my words are not my own; they’ve all been said before
Just… not in the same order,think, hear or smell.
I think a day as simply myself would be sublime;
A day with no restrictions on my actions, thoughts and phrases
When I could burst into song in the middle of class
And no one will give it a second thought
My music will be the perfect Soundtrack
And my day will be recorded in movie and book fashion
But no one will think anything of it.
In my mind: I am a hero of the nations, yet still independant
I am a feline-esque ninja that can read emotions and body language at once
And I’m happy where I’m at
If only you could join me in my imagination, then you could see why
I’d rather be there than in this depressing world

Through a window
I see a wisp,
a phantom at which I can only gaze

My window,
Barred,
I desire which I had lost.

The ghost whispered;
I heard him,
but he was intangible

He sees me,
I hear his cries of agony
but I ignored his pleas

i lost him,
only for being
that in which i was.

Why had i run,
(to become who i am now)
yet i attempted to continue my rampage?

ignorant,
childish am i
for want of the lost.

the phantom watching me through the window,
laughed as i gnawed at the hole in my heart,
oblivious to the crimson sea around me

i sit and ponder.
what became of me,
when i ‘set him free”?

foolish am i
for want of the
improbable tale.

i cry behind walls
that conceal my truth,
but my phantom has always known.

abused, used,
thrown away was he,
by the ones he held so dear.

she fears his contempt,
and of failing to successfully communicate
her tangled thoughts.

has she opened Pandora’s box?

I never gave out those signs!
Snap out of it, you’re not making any sense.

I think I understand:
I can be happy with or without you,
I just realized that I can’t allow myself
To be dictated by you.

You better be the best friend I ever had.
Don’t pressure me; I’m not like that.
And agreement that can’t be met, I’m terribly sorry
I guess I’m an accomplice.

A date is a date, no matter the title.
I’ll not go to Prom; friends don’t go to Prom.

I’m just a kid.
No, I’m a young adult.
But I’ll never be what you want me to be.
I’m sorry.

"People freaked out when I ‘changed.’ Truth is, I didn’t change; I just stopped being what they wanted me to be."

now i’m afraid to tell you how i feel.
you are telling me you aren’t lying,
and you used emotion.
you sounded like you cared.

now i feel guilty for doubting you.
for thinking you didn’t mean it.
yet the next day,
you are caring and sweet, and emotional.

so now what?
I know every couple has some rough spots
but ours don’t really exist.
How can they?

We don’t see each other daily,
we don’t go on dates
we’ve only kissed once (in the two years that i’ve known you),
and we don’t talk, we text.

As the tears are rolling down my cheek,
I wonder what has happened to us.
what has happened that we are inseparable?
Why are we so… addicted to each other?

But, is your emotion only visible when i’m sad or depressed or hurt?
or will this become a regular thing?
I hope it does, because it’s nice knowing you care.
It’s nice knowing you will be caring in my times of need.

but i don’t need it just when i’m hurt,
it’s a comfort i prefer to have all the time
it’s like a heart to heart long-distance call,
so when i feel the separation, i fall. (no rhyme intended.)

'You are my personal drug.”
hasn’t anybody told you that drugs are bad?
hasn’t anyone told you what happens if you’re addicted and you suddenly lose your drug?
Doesn’t it bother you?

but nevermind my pointless babbling.
it’s not like you care.
all this is to you is a boring reading
that will soon be sitting in the bottom of your backpack

I don’t know if that’s really the case,
but it seems like that’s what everybody else does
Oh, wait, nevermind.
you aren’t like everybody else.

See?
there i go again,
doubting you for no good reason.
what kind of person am I?

The kind that doesn’t deserve you,
cos your love for me is so dope-
i can barely cope,
when you make my joy go and overflow.

i miss you.
but this pain is something i could do without.
i love you.
but this separation is causing problems.

I shouldn’t have looked
I thought you loved me
I shouldn’t care, I set you free
So why is it, I feel this terrible jealousy?
Like I still have a connection?
False hopes, wishful thinking…
I set myself up.
But what I do know, I’m not sure I can trust myself anymore.
So tell me, would you take back the one who left you? (go)
Or would you move on?
I Don’t know what I want anymore.
It’s all still raw, still torn.
I haven’t opened those boxes yet.
I haven’t moved the roses.
I haven’t let go.
I wish I didn’t have to wonder what you’re doing now,
I wanted to go to your party, maybe make things better
But with family in town, I’m stuck at home.
I wish I couldn’t see other girls crushing on you.
I wish I could stop being stupid
And just… say my last goodbye.
And let you be happy.
Because all that matter in the end is that you’re smiling

staring into oblivion
thinking of what i just did
and what could i have happened
had i listened to her


We’ve drawn lines
and we’ve crossed them too
I know exactly what I’ve done
and what I’m going to do.

'Your eyes are blue,”
and together we moved
like blue diamonds
in a dark field of love.

never before
have I wanted so badly
to give myself away
quite so freely.

It feels so natural
to enjoy being wanted
to be held tenderly
to be bitten with desire

I’m still a fledgling
to the whole concept…
I may be innocent, but
I sure as hell ain’t naive.

never before
have I bled so much
and felt no pain
nor regret

soon
and very soon
again i shall bleed
freely, with pain

Only for the one
Who holds my heart
So close to his
And his is mine.

tonight
i crossed so many lines
and i feel
fine (tempted)

to do it again
and again, until
I don’t know where I began…
and where he ends.

i can still feel you
i can feel your lips
i can feel your body against mine
i can smell your scent
i can feel the intimidation of being this close to you

i remember being nervous
i remember the sound of your voice
i remember how i was shaking
and how i felt like an idiot

i still hear your beautiful voice
i still see your beautiful eyes
i still feel your lips
i still feel my arms in yours

i remember being dizzy and lightheaded
i remember thinking how much trouble this would cause
i remember not caring as our lips met
i remember almost crying as it had to end

i remember when i was caught
i remember tears and wanting to cry
i remember thinking:
was he really worth the trouble? this inexplicable pain?

leave me be, you will see
it was never really you, it was me
now i need to let go
how can i miss what never goes away?

clean it up, you will see
i was only truly happy
when i could be only me
not for you, out of reach

let me go, let me see
you have changed like you say
let me leave, you should know
it's time to let me go

why weren't you there when i grew up?
why weren't you there when i cried?
why weren't you there to hold me up?
why weren't you there when i cared?

now you are here, (hopefully) with answers?
you called, you wanted to talk
dare i answer the phone?
should i answer your plea?

what i want to know is,
why are you suddenly so interested
in little [not so much anymore] me?

what, after all these years,
made you remember your first daughter,
remember that i am here?

words are a thing
feelings are things
i  am a thing
love is a thing
rain is a thing
and i am done.
you don't believe.
i don't believe you.
you push me too hard,
you let me fall.
   you pushed me down,
   you made your call.
i don't believe you.
you tell me one thing,
you told her another.
am i not old enough
to know all the better?
seriously though,
that can't be right
i was sitting right there
at the table
right within your sight.

you couldn't wait five seconds,
couldn't wait to speak your mind.

now i find my efforts wasted,
my whole year is stuck on rewind.

My name... is irrelevant.
My story... is long and complicated.
My life... is a pain.
Myself... I could use some help.
My friends... don't really trust me.
My parents... don't really care.
My school... it's full of drama.
My home... needs improvement.
My family... is falling apart.

My being... is full of strife.
But I pull through most every time
Yet I still have problems.
Everyone does.
But I feel like mine are significant
At times.
Other times, I feel like my life isn't important.
Why should it be?
How am I supposed to affect the world?
My life... is insignificant.
   I have a dream
   But nobody cares anymore