A toast to you
A toast to me
A toast to the dreams that we can achieve

A toast to stars
A toast to skies
A toast to the moon still bright in our eyes

A toast to the distance
A toast to the calls
A toast to our laughter running down halls

A toast to tequila
A toast to shots
A toast to the nights we together forgot

A toast to libraries
A toast to the nooks
A toast to us hiding deep in the books

A toast to goodnight
A toast to warming
A toast to kisses and tickles all morning

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for accidentally lying when I said I wanted to be with you.


I think perhaps I fall in love often – I fall hard and fast, without remorse or concern.

I think perhaps I fall out of love often – I grow tired and bored, unexcited and suppressed.

Unfortunately I fall in love before others and I fall out of love before others. I leap into the arms of people who aren’t ready to commit, then walk away just when they are ready to endure.

I hurt people. A lot.

I’m not sure when it started, but its still going on. I can think back on 3, 4, 6 people in the last few years that I have broken it off with after I promised them love. I left without warning, without hesitation. I feel bad about it because I don’t want to hurt people, I don’t want to cause pain, but I feel that letting things fester while I am unhappy in a relationship is worse.

It still hurts. I still watch tears fall. I am still avoided when passing on the sidewalk. I am still badmouthed in fraternity bathrooms and in social media. I watch my best friend and lover become someone who hates me, who wants to cause me pain, who then spreads my secrets and laughs at my failures.

I don’t want to hurt people anymore, so perhaps it is best that I do not date. Perhaps it is best if I never commit or kiss anyone without the careless and superficial setting of a night club dance floor. Perhaps I need to mature and wait until I can find peace and stability, where I won’t switch between adoration and frustration so quickly and suddenly.

My friend might have been right when she said “I don’t think you can be in a relationship right now.”

Maybe I can’t be. Even if I can, maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I should just accept that I need to wait for life to take its course and should stop trying to capture every shining opportunity that I happen to meet in the library, the pool, a coffee shop, or the gym.

Maybe I should let those opportunities go past and should wait for the ones that come when I am older. Perhaps I should wait for the golden opportunities I pass in the grocery store, at work, in line for the DMV.


Is my maturity the issue? Am I subconsciously not ready to commit myself to someone? Do I have some twisted sadistic sense of humor in which I like tricking people into thinking I love them?

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for accidentally lying when I said I wanted to be with you. I’m sorry for when I made up some ******* excuse about why it wasn’t going to work when the reality is that I was bored and restless.

To you – M, B, L, M, A, and R.  I’m sorry that I am a *******. I’m sorry that the devil has blue eyes.

You are better off without me than you ever would have been with me.

I am in love with chance and all her open promises, inherent risks, and bountiful rewards. I am in love with the idea of gambling myself into existence and riding the dice on a whim. Certainty bores and scares me, permanence poisons my happy mindset. I need risks and dangers and dumb ideas, it is in these that I find the fruit of life.

I am in love with chance. She calls my name often, beckoning me to spend the night. She seduces me with ***** talk and a proven mind, flooding my heart with her drug. I long to fall into her, with her, to kiss her mouth and taste the poison of an uncertain life. I crave her in the night when there is naught but doubt in my mind.

I am in love with chance and the chaos she brings. She is a storm that tosses my little boat on waves that could equally take me to paradise or a watery grave. She is fairness and equality, for chaos is truly fair, it rids me of order and structure. Her screaming pleasure enraptures me with a sodden wealth and unhealthy appetite for potential glories.

I am in love with chance. She is my mistress, my plaything, the dark shadow that leaves my bed before the morning light. She is the elusive lover to whom my young heart belongs, the fiery being to which my trust is pledged. Chance has yet to let me down – perhaps that is why I love her. I am never disappointed in chance for she is, above all, fair and just. There is not evil or malice in she, there is no hidden agenda or destructive intent.

I am in love with chance.
I am in love with chance.
I am in love with chance and her barren wealth.
I am in love with chance and the way she feeds my zealous lust for life.
I am in love with chance and she loves me.
I am in love with chance and I must choose…

I must choose between her love and your certain certainty.

I wander nightly and ponder your name, questioning your very existence. I seek the truth and to find nirvana – I need something that will listen.

Curiosity finds a deep morose and excitement runs into doubt, the wandering and pondering has me aching in and out.

My heart yearns to find the truth, but, since when has that really mattered? All my life I’ve ignored my heart with its desires and drives so strong and scattered.

How does a man choose a woman? How does a woman choose a man? What drives this ***** love of chance into something deeper, something planned?

Is there a plan to such romance, is it all just luck? Do we cast a die that decides our future or do we just get married, then ****?

What if I think there is more to it? What if I think there should be some logic involved? My heart is flippant, truant, untrustworthy, so why should I trust its random call?

It seems that if I want love to work, my brain must love you too. It must get rid of the doubts, the questions, the inherent sadness; it must find new topics on which to muse.

When I think of you I shouldn’t feel doubt, no, my mind should be as my heart. It too should feel the driving need, the confidence, the certainty, it too should ache like fire when we part.

Should I accept that I have mixed emotions, that there are parts of me morality calls wrong? Should I pay attention to these traits of mine, the ones that when you beckon, begs me not to follow along?

I hold things inside me which are not pure or beautiful, desires and darkness and twisted wants. These things you cannot satisfy, in fact, you combat them on every front.

Should then I strive to ignore and erase these traits of mine, that some might think impure? Or should I embrace who I fully am, get rid of you, and let these traits endure?

For I do not think both can exist, there is no middle ground or compromise. It is you or them, me or you, I think that I must choose a side.

Never will my faults play with yours, never will my avarice for life hold hands with your purity or self-right. Never will you accept my darkness, never to live with my faults, you could never live any life but yours, that the life of light.

So now the questions ramble on, each an elaboration on a theme. It seems that I must choose soon, I must choose who I will be… I must choose to become you, or choose to stay true to me.

It should have been us.

We both know it to be true; it should be you beside me. It should be you laying here next to me. It should be you riding shotgun with your hair blowing in the wind. It should be you I’m writing love notes to, you I’m calling at midnight, and you I’m taking home from this bar.

It should have been us.

It should be me beside you. It should be me laying there in the hammock, reading beside a river. It should be me taking goofy pictures with you at the mall. It should be me using my sleeve to wipe your tears and my kisses to flush your cheeks. It should be me, beside you.

It should have been us.

We would have been so great together. We would have been never better. We would have learned to laugh and love and live through whatever came at us. It should have been you and me, you and me, you and me… Forever

Do you trust me?
You do? Are you sure?

How unfortunate.

I thought you had better judgement.

I can see that you need someone, something; you need a distraction now. How convenient, here I am. I'll help you bounce back. The perfect rebound, I'm the cure for your new illness.

I'll take you to every beautiful place, I'll kiss you under ever landmark. I'll wipe away their memories, pushing mine into their place.

Let me take you on new kinds of dates, the kind you've never felt. I can show you excitement and danger, how to hit back below the belt.

I'll show you hot and fast. We'll make love and then we'll ****. I'll spin you around and then go down, making you forget whoever he was.

I can act out your fantasies, indeed, you'll play in mine too. I have not shame nor hindrance yet. I am the embodiment of two extremes, push you to your very limits.

In me, you can find everything that a fun relationship may be. You'll find dreams; what you like and don't. You'll forget the pain of the recent past. I am the perfect distraction.

A perfect distraction perhaps, but no more can I be. Odds are I'll get bored and you'll get tired, and we will cease as you and me. We can part ways, shaking hands, retaining only memories as we're freed.

Let me be your rebound, it's something of my speciality. Let me be your distraction, let me set you free.

I feel alone again.

I don’t know why this feeling grips me sometimes, unexpectedly leaping out at me from empty beds, tables for two with a single chair, solo bench presses, and duets on the radio.

I don’t understand why the people I’m with don’t comfort me, I don’t understand why I imagine isolation. They surround me and hug me and hold my hand, but I still cannot relate – I don’t feel a unity. Their hand in mine is intangible to my mind, an empty promise and unfulfilled expectation.

A depression grips my heart. This is the kind of sadness that comes with disappointment, in knowing that the potential for something brilliant came speeding towards you, slowed down slightly, and then waved as it went on by. My heart was reaching out, hopeful beyond hope despite it all, only to be let down. It gets harder and harder to take a risk – harder and harder to believe in opportunity.

I feel alone again.

I can poor out my thoughts, my worries, my dreams into someone’s hands and feel empty still. I still feel misunderstood and uncared for, alone and isolated. It seems to me a kind of arrogance – how dare I feel alone? How dare I feel a crushing weight or sadness when on paper, outside my mind, my life is a dream? How dare I be ungrateful for what I am?

I struggle to even mention my loneliness. It only finds body in words when spilled into a glass of whiskey and tears. My pain only finds light in ***** soaked voices and in barely literate post-party writings.

I ignore the pain when I am sober. Only then does logic prevail – only then does mind tell my heart to cease its petulant pleads for attention. Only in sobriety does the loneliness find itself shut into a box, a chest, and locked away deep inside. Only in sobriety can I hold it in.

And so, naturally, I do not drink. I don’t like that whiskey gives voice to my thoughts of despair. I don’t like the fact that people can finally see how I feel – I don’t want them to know. Nobody needs to bear the weight of my horror, my sadness, and my doubt. Nobody else needs to hold what is my responsibility and mine alone.

I charge through life, a façade of happiness, never removing my mask. I set myself for the highest aims and the greatest goals that I might forget the pettiness of my heart. I surround myself with those that adore me, friends that would give of themselves for my good. Nobody will suspect me. If, in one of the whiskey nights and champagne mornings, a hint of my mental state should drop, they will look at me. They will wonder how a person with a life such as mine, friends such as mine, a future such as mine could possibly feel alone. Hopefully they will disregard their suspicions and assign guilt to the bottle.

Hopefully they will see me happy and full of life and love.

Hopefully they will witness my charade,

And forego the questioning.

The tears have started dropping now, each with a silver “plink.”
Ignored too long, sequestered away, eventually rain must fall.
I watch the steady streams grow, finding furrows in your face.
Like farmer’s fields in springtime rain, running warm and raw.
I wish you didn’t hurt so much. I wish that I could ease your pain.
Someday I hope to hold your heart, I hope to wipe your tears away.
It seems to me a tragedy that such beautiful tears should ever fall.
How dare this world bring you to tears, how dare it make you grey.
How dare the silence echo loud, ripping into your warm soul.
I curse the way the doubts surround you, the way they keep out the light.
Horrid dreams of despair and doubt should never bother your heart,
It is obvious that there is no justice, knowing you can’t find peace within the night.
I find anger in my eyes when I think at all that wrongs you,
Dreaming of times when I might find a way to **** the sadness.
To defeat your demons is all I want, I wish to wield the sword.
I want to stand beside you, in battles fought, fending off the madness.
Maybe then you won’t need to cry and I won’t need to wipe your tears.
Maybe then we might be happy, perhaps smiling despite the all.
For now, I will wait, watching your silken silver tears fall down.
I hope you find a peace within yourself, happiness when spring turns to fall.

I need to thank you, faithful friend,
For all the worry watched.
For every night you’ve been at my side,
For every danger that you caught.

I cannot escape you,
Following my path to the end.
If only I could see you,
If only I could talk to you, my friend.

I wonder what you think of me,
Watching my toils and strife.
I wonder if you believe in me,
If you think I live a worthwhile life.

It pains me to think that you look on,
Distaste at my every decision.
I hate to think you deem me lost,
That I’m unfocused in my mission.

If you cry when I fall,
The ground is soaked and wet.
Does admonishment fill your face,
When past lessons I forget?

Do you silently scream at me,
Berating with silent roar,
When I choose to fall and fail again,
Or when I lose my path once more?

Does frustration grip you,
Are you stuck with me forever?
Do you hate me now,
Does anger tingle in every feather?

I know that I fall often,
I know you save me from even more.
I hope that you don’t hate me,
I hope patience ushers forth.

Thank you for following me,
Thank you for not taking flight.
I’m glad to call you a friend,
Guardian angel in the night.

Hello Darkness, my old friend,
The self-doubt that comes creeping in.
Hello Darkness, fickle and fiendish,
It is nice to see you again.

Hello Ambition, my old mentor,
The hunger that has me ceasing never.
Hello Ambition, controlling and unending,
It is good to see you again.

Hello Fear, my old companion,
The sickness that feeds my abandon.
Hello Fear, raw and uncut,
It is nice to see you again.

Hello Anger, my old lover,
The fire that never sated hunger.
Hello Anger, lean and strong,
It is nice to see you again.

Hello Lust, my old partner,
The taste that pushed me harder.
Hello Lust, empty and rich,
It is nice to see you again.

Hello Love, my old *****,
The red and gold double edged sword.
Hello Love, lying and cheating,
It is nice to see you again.

Hello Night, my old mother,
The love for which I killed another.
Hello Night, deceitful and peaceful,
It is good to see you again.

Hello Envy, my old rival,
The burning need for my survival.
Hello Envy, cold and hard,
It is good to see you again.

Hello Curse, my old bride,
The one who eats away my pride.
Hello Curse, persistent and pursuant,
It is good to see you again.

Hello Gluttony, my old coach,
The pain that ate away my hope.
Hello Gluttony, empty and barren,
It is good to see you again.

Hello Pride, my old brother,
I love you more than the others.
Hello Pride, full and robust,
It is good to see you again.

Hello Darkness, my oldest of friends.
It was from you that I was born.
Hello Darkness, come to swallow me again,
From the light I am torn.

I wander lost in wondering lust,
Following a stream to the source.
Lick my lips and take your hips,
Yearning bodies take their course.

I travel on gravel dawns,
Making a journey every morn.
Take flight after every night,
Satisfied and reborn.

I light flames and write names,
Ignoring social stigma.
Follow their trail without fail,
I seek out each enigma.

Where once was joy, lies sadness now,
Where elation used to soar.
Where once was anticipation and excitement,
Now empty, gone, no more.

The trap has closed around me,
The snares tangle my feet.
No more to fight, I can’t resist,
The claws are buried deep.

Straitjacket and gag is my reward,
What did I do to earn this garb?
Sedated on the surgeons table,
They’re trying to remove my heart.

I came only with good intentions,
Asking not for any such pain.
I feel each incision at distance,
A trickle of pride circling the drain.

How long before they rend me open,
How long will I resist defeat?
I thought myself stronger than this,
Perhaps the curse did marry me.

I can feel their hands inside me,
Searching through my gaping chest.
Clawing, clinging, wrenching, grasping,
Why did mother say they knew best?

Why can’t I continue the way I was?
What is so wrong with who I am?
Why does everyone feel the need,
To bind my mouth and hands?

Finally they have found my heart,
Their hands are firmly grasping.
Pulling, pulling, a ******* gasp,
Let me be is all I’m asking!

The veins and arteries strain,
My soul puts up a fight.
But I can’t resist the ways of God,
I’m no match for the surgeon’s knife.

They put it in a box, a chest,
I see them lock it with a key.
They are off to bury both,
Stealing the essence of me.

Gone now is my spirit,
Gone now is my fight.
Forever ended is my battle,
Hidden away in earth and night.

The audience around me roars,
My mother cheers, “They’ve done it!”
Only a few look on with somber eyes,
They know this is not what I wanted.

In my chest they place a new heart,
This one of white, marbled stone.
“You’ll be okay son, this is best,
Eventually we all must atone.”

Resignation fills me,
Resistance fully comes to an end.
I suppose I must make the best of it,
I suppose I’ll continue to pretend.

Here I lay in a room of white,
Innocence, clean and pure.
I close my eyes and listen close,
But my heart beats no more.

It's the slip and the slide,
The warmth inside,
The taste of you on my tongue.

The tangle of hair,
The skin ever fair,
The taste of night to come.

It's the willing and ready,
The sturdy and steady,
Time to take the dive.

Wild and free,
One with me,
Connected and alive.

Round after round,
Making sounds,
Clutching together tight.

Heart to heart,
My counterpart,
Making love at night.

Prove to me,
Hold to me,
Show me who you are.

Open yourself,
Your physical wealth,
Find your place within my heart.

Dance to the sound,
Clothes on the ground,
Ride with confidence.

Let it out,
Let it shout,
Make known your presence.

Slow and steady,
Willing and ready,
Put your hand in mine.

Hold out your heart,
Don't keep us apart,
It is time to cross the line.

Passing notes in library aisles,
Elation is all that memory serves.
With you I've known nothing but smiles,
Reveling in your wonderful words.

You bring joy to every moment you touch,
The world always seeming to smile down at you.
With your laughter and songs and smiles and such,
How can I blame it? You make me smile too.

I hate that you have done this to me.

Is this what giving up feels like?
Is this what giving in feels like?

I know where things go from here.
I know what happens next.
This is where my future disappears.
Where what I want fades away to what is best.

I knew you would come for me one day,
I knew it might be soon in time.
I secretly hoped that you would never find me,
That I might escape your way of life.

Finally the wait is over,
There is nothing left for me to fight.
No more to rage at dying day,
I must go softly into this goodnight.

I am trapped by my own ideology,
Stuck between a rock and a hard place:
What I want and who I want to be.

How can I choose which is better for me?

One, a desire – a hunger, a burning passion that is mine. It has become a part of me, defined me, and helped craft me into who I am.

The thought of losing this desire sickens and saddens me. It is all I can think of right now, how I would be unable to grasp the warmth and pleasure.

I will miss it. It will always be on my mind, always somewhere in my chest. It will be beating, gnawing, eating me alive from the inside – for I will have no way to let it out.

This is the rock, the want for which I love and enjoy and hate to lose. This is the desire that I will constantly be reminded of, that I will have to battle against – spending so much time and energy just trying not to miss it.


Unfortunately for me, my desire conflicts with who I want to be.


I want to be good and honest, helpful and holy and willing to sacrifice. I don’t want to be shallow or superficial, I don’t want to choose what I want now over what I want most.

I find it agonizing that I must choose. That I must choose to abstain from all my desires just so that I don’t lose who I am. I know that if I chose what I want over who I want to be, I don’t know where I would wind up. I fear that I would have a crisis of self, in wondering what it is that I am working for, hunting for, seeking out.

Choosing who I want to be has its many rewards, it is a reward in itself. It will bring me laughter and joy, love and happiness. It will bring security and warmth to my life.

But all the while, I’ll be wishing I could have my desire as well. I’ll be constantly fighting off the will to let in, to let loose, to plunge back into the pleasure that I currently have. All the while I’ll just be waiting to find that pleasure again. It will cloud my thoughts, my wants, my needs. It will become a gnawing hunger in my chest that I will have to learn to ignore.

I already know what my choice will be – it is the only one I can make. I know I must choose to be who I want to be, because I won’t be able to live with myself otherwise. I am trapped, pinned by ideology. I can’t risk losing the joy of WHO I want, for the pleasure of WHAT I want. I am trapped.

Trapped.
Trapped.
Trapped.

Complaints
Complaints
Why do you complain?
What good, what help, what use are they,
The words you spew and cry?
Why can't you, like everyone else, keep those words inside?
When you moan and groan, pine and whine,
I lose respect, I like you less, your thoughts I now despise.
It isn't cute, it isn't fun, it doesn't make me smile.
Tired of listening to your complaints,
I don't think you're worth my while.

I want you to remember me in this moment.

Years from now when things have changed, when you might not see me in the same way, when we may not even know each other anymore, I want you to remember that at some point in my life, at some point in "us", that I was this person. I want you to know that this person will always be inside of me somewhere.

When you are
Looking at me with distaste at something I've done,
Picking me up because I'm a mess,
Crying because I said something,
Or because I didn't say what I needed to,
Laying in bed looking at an empty pillow beside you,
Walking around an empty house because I had to get out,
Looking through ancient pictures of the two of us together,
Wondering how I could have ****** up as bad as I did,
Wondering why we don't feel the way you used to,
Wondering why you and I don't work anymore,
Wondering why we're falling apart,
I want you to remember.

Remember this moment.

That I love you.
That right now, I'm a boy who just wants to be with you,
Who wants to care for you,
Play with you,
Run around and explore and sing songs with you,
Make love to you, kiss you in every beautiful place,
Remember the look that you see in my eye,
Remember that right now I would take a bullet for you,
Jump off a bridge for you,
Remember that right now, right here, in this moment,
You are the only important thing in the world that I want.

Remember this moment.

Because no matter how bad things get, this person will always be inside me. The boy looking at you now, filled with so much love - he isn't going anywhere. He may be hard to dig out, hard to find, buried beneath years of troubles and fights and crushed dreams, but he will still be there. I'll still be this moment inside.

When that time comes, I'll just need some help finding this moment again. I might need a little help to remember.

I have a bad memory. I need you to remember for me.

Don't let me forget that I love you.

Why can't I leave you?
Even with all your flaws, why can I not leave you?

I'll tell you why.

It's because when I look at you, I see beauty. I see innocence and brilliance and someone that hasn't been corrupted by the world. I see someone who hasn't lost their optimism, who hasn't bowed to cynicism or bitterness. I see someone who still loves life and is able to see the beauty and wonder that fills the world.

When I look at you, I lose myself. The lines of your face, the glow of your cheeks, the depth in your eyes, and every hair either in or out of place combines to create the sublime. Time stops... when I look at you. Whatever we're doing, whether it be hiking around rocks, running around, careening around corners on the road, singing as we walk, or just laying together, enjoying each other, I find one little instant when time freezes. It freezes and all I see is you. It freezes and yet another still frame is added to the growing memory book that has your name on it.

Your mind baffles me, your words inspire me, your personality keeps me on my toes. And even though there are lots of little flaws, lots of small imperfections, and even a few larger ones, they are all outweighed by how amazing you are. I've never met anyone like you. Nobody has ever made me feel like you do. Not a single person has been all that you are.

How could I possibly leave you?

There are times when I've wanted to - times when I want nothing more than to call it quits because you drive me crazy or dangle want I want just in front of my face, but never give it to me. There have been so many times when I think about you and realize that you will probably be my downfall. You will wind up being that person that I knew would come along and ruin all my plans. You're going to be the person that makes me compromise on all I've ever wanted and worked for, all I have ever desired of life, all because I am going to fall in love with you. I am going to fall in love with you and I'm going to love it and hate it all at the same time. You are going to be my beautiful ruin.

Despite this, despite knowing that you are simultaneously and tragically perfect and perfectly wrong for me...

I still can't leave you.

I know that if I did, I would hate myself. Twenty years after I left you I would look back and realize that I was a fool. Hindsight would reveal just how painfully shallow and misguided I am.

Does that answer your question?
Does that help you understand?

Does that make you realize who exactly you are? Who you are to me? You are the Anti-Blake. You are the end of everything that makes me who I am. You're stealing my identity away from me, turning me into someone else.

And even so,

I still can't leave you.

Stand where I stood and tell me the world would feel different to you.
Stand where I stood and watch it all leave.

I dare you to walk the path I have walked, the loves I have loved, the battles I’ve fought.
I want you to share the people I’ve met, sights that I’ve seen, the dreams that I’ve dreamt.
Stand before the flames that I crossed, the pain that I felt, the moments I lost.

I dare you.
You, who criticize me.
You who holds a microscope to all of my faults.

Stand where I stood and watch the world as she leaves you.
Stand where I stood and try to hold it all in.

Because when it is over

You won’t be standing anymore.

People tell me I must forget, that I must learn to move on.
They say that time heals all wounds, that I’ll forget someday.

I agree that time heals all wounds. Passing time certainly does numb and eventually cure almost all pain.
But to forget… Maybe that works for some. Maybe they forget. Or maybe they just lie about it and say that they have forgotten when really, in truth, they are like me. I can’t forget. Nor do I really want to.

Why would I want to forget all of the happy moments? Why would I wish to lose the incredible feelings of love and life and happiness that fill my memory with so much joy? Sure, they are accompanied by some pain, but to me the pain is well worth it. You are worth the pain.

You, who made these memories with me.
You, who eventually left my side.
You, whom I still hold in my heart.

I can’t forget you, any of you, and I don’t want to.
You all made me who I am in some way, contributed to the person I am becoming. Every decision I make, every step I take, every triumph along the way is lightly colored with your memory.

Thank you for that.
For making me a better person.
For teaching me lessons that needed to be learned.

The love we shared was beautiful, for each of you, different. No two loves, no two relationships even remotely the same.
I cling to the happy memories of us together. I hope you do too. They give me strength when I am sad because I know that if I felt that way once, I can feel that way again.

Perhaps time heals all wounds.
But to forget? No.
I cannot forget you. I cannot forget that I loved you.

And even still.
Even now.
Some part of me still does.

You are there in the depths of my heart like a well I can draw from.
The oldest of you deeper, more buried, but ever stronger for having been with me the longest.
Sometimes I’ll dip my hand into the well just to see what memories I can pull out, loving to remember you. I love to remember us, our love and worlds that we shared together.

Thank you for having been a part of my life. For that, I am forever grateful.
Thank you for making me who I am today.
Thank you for staying with me, in my well of memories.

Just know, that if I ever loved you,
Whether it was for a day,
A month,
A year,
A decade,
I still love you,
And I probably always will.

She sings with me when riding in the car, windows down, cruising who knows where.
She'd go anywhere with me, near or far, the wind whipping through her hair.
Holding my hand, stroking my arm, she lets her laughter free.
It flows around, a river of sound, finding home inside of me.
Her fingers run all through my hair as I shift on through the gears.
Screaming her joy when I put petal to the floor, her adrenaline overtaking fear.
Burning rubber fills her nose as I carve through downtown corners.
She loves the smell of it in my clothes when the burning day is over.
Challenging drivers at every light, she talks all the **** for me.
I rev the engine to back her up, the redline throwing warnings.
"C'mon babe," she'll say to me, "this ***** wants to go."
Can't help but grin as I wait for the light, clutched and shifted to throw.
She taunts them through the open window as I tear down through the gears.
Her laughter mixes with the exhaust as she screams her victory cheers.
All I need is her love and laughter, all I want is her riding shotgun.
I want her hand on mine on the shift ****, that's how I know she's the one.

Clutch and bleed for the driving need,
The bitter, hounding sound.
Pushed harder and farther, to my knees,
Passing the world around.

Zeal and lust are both a must,
Happiness a choice.
Crying, dying, true disgust,
They seek to steal my voice.

Air or water, I cannot falter,
Without either I should fail.
To succeed I need to be my father,
Breathe the need, as was his trail.

I chose to pose questions free ,
How can I grow better?
Pain and fame is all I see,
Easing, ceasing never.

She shuts the door
Flips the switch
Calls my name
Tosses the covers
Hair in my face
Scent in my nose
Lips still on my tongue
Moving her hips beside me
Stirring the heart inside me
Eyes shutting reluctantly

Never a greater peace
Than when she falls asleep
Held tightly in my arms

I get jealous.
When I hear the words, I fear the words.
Hold it in, bury it deep, hide it far below.
Hope to God my secret keep, hiding in the shadow.
Can’t let it out, can’t let you know,
Never will I live it down.
It strings me along, to the ground, drowns me true and slow.
Asking why it bothers does nothing but perturb.
Better not to question, better not disturb,
Better to ignore the feelings, to lock them deep away.
I must ignore this mockery, must not break the seal,
Deep inside they must remain, can’t admit the way I feel.
I wish you’d stop saying the words, wish I didn’t listen.
If only it were so easy, if only, if only then.
I wish they weren’t such a sound, I wish that they were written.
Then I could simply burn them, light a fire, watch them rise.
Maybe then I could escape the words,
This jealousy I feel inside.

Nothing you can do or say,
Will ever make me walk away.
Read these words and know them true:
I will never abandon you.

I won't leave you in the night,
I'll come back after every fight.
I won't try to change your mind,
I'll let you be, undefined.

I will never ignore a call,
I'll grab your hand if you fall.
I won't leave you at the edge,
I'll be waiting, this I pledge.

I will listen but judge not,
I'll take in every thought.
I won't ever ask of you,
I'll just give, as I always do.

I won't lie and I will care,
Promise I will always be there.
I'll be patient and I'll be kind.
Someone like you is hard to find.

It's hard to put down in ink,
Spinning strands as I think.
I can't concentrate with you in mind,
And all the words I left behind.

Unable to focus on tasks at hand,
I struggle through with one demand.
I just want to see your face,
To hold your hand, ignore this space.

Two hundred miles keep us apart,
Yet you have a solid grip on my heart.
You need not worry these nights at home,
I will not stray. I'll sleep alone.

I want you with all my being,
In my dreams, it's you I'm seeing.
You, my angel of perfection,
You my one and only affection.

Be with me now, as we rest.
The rise and fall of my chest,
Grants us again each other's face,
Across this empty, distant space.

Explain to me why you aren't,
Just another regret.
Tell me why you should be,
A memory I won't forget.

Why should I remember,
Why should I care?
What will remind me,
That you aren't there?

Do you really think,
That you will be in my dreams?
What will make this,
Not what it seems?

Why are you different,
What makes you the best?
In my long line of memories,
What puts you above the rest?

Give me a reason why.
What gives you such allure?
You are just another of mine,
In a line of beautiful failures.

I'll always remember what happened tonight, laying with you in the moonlight. With stars in your eyes and the wind in your hair, such a beautiful sight.

Your fingers felt so perfect and small, when lost in the size of my calloused paw. I loved the way your toes would wander, picking up slack when we would stall.

You marked this day in my history, when I heard you whisper words that were me. It was so hard not to whisper back, so hard to set myself free.

I could feel your heat just beneath the skin, melting my will so ever thin. It wasn't long before I let go, I wanted it to begin.

The slide of slick summer sweat, your taste as good as it could get. It wasn't what I had planned, but hold no regret.

Just the lovely lust of two kindred, no faith, no pride, no heart injured. No exceptions, excuses, or concessions made, no religion plundered.

This was just you and I, ignoring all but stars in the sky. This was just you and yours, corrupting me and my.

Tonight you broke my every rule, tonight the first I've enjoyed school. You certainly are one of a kind, for you I'll play the fool.

Dreams. Dreams. Come and gone,
Begin with the night, end with the dawn.
Darkness changes something within me,
The night finally sets me free.

Nine to five, that's my night,
Begins at dusk and ends with light.
The moon changes something within me,
The infinite stars all set me free.

Highest highs and lowest lows,
Passing with the evening throes.
Streetlights change something within me.
Sidewalks set my tired feet free.

Lonesome paths and friendly trails,
They all meet up at the rails.
The quiet changes something within me,
The silken silence sets my thoughts free.

A hundred years I could live tonight,
Me alone, here in the moonlight.
The darkness revealing the true me,
The night, finally setting me free.

You and me,
Just wait and see.
You'll never believe,
What we could be.

Our hearts align,
It's in the design.
I don't know yours,
But you know mine.

You may be scared,
But if you dare,
I can show you,
I truly cared.

Your beauty defies,
My very eyes.
Don't you blush,
I don't tell lies.

To hold your hand,
I won't demand.
Let's take it slow,
You're in command.

When it's right,
You'll feel the light.
That's when you know,
We will be alright.

It's you and me,
Just waiting to see,
What this love,
Might turn out to be.

It's been a circuitous route,
You and me.
But someday, I know,
We will be where we need to be.

Some might call it destiny,
Others might say fate.
Or maybe there is a master plan,
And a predetermined date.

Maybe you call it,
A push from above.
What ever it may be,
I call it love.

Because girl, I've wanted you,
Since that very first day.
I know it's hard.
But I've want to say:

I love you. More than you know.
I miss you, whenever we part,
Yet through the years,
I've never stopped wanting your heart.

I miss you.
I want you.
I need you.
I love you.

Title: One Thing Is Still True
Posted On: 2012-10-02 05:03:59 UTC


I hate the boy I used to be.
The childish thoughts,
The fantasy of love and loss,
All that junk just wasn't me.

I hate the long hair,
The dark, late nights,
The depressed poetry.
I don't know why I cared.

I hate the way I felt,
The hopeless longing.
Pathetic words to you,
Praying your heart would melt.

-----------

So I took that ** and fed the fire,
I made life about my desire.
I quit the ****, the sadness, the games,
I set myself for higher aims.

I cut my hair, spiked it up,
Pressed the bar, not big enough.
I hit on girls, hotter than you,
I quit dreaming, whimpering too.

-----------

I hate the boy I used to be.
He was weak and sad,
He was stupid and wrong.
He just wasn't me.

Only one thing is still true.
The love,
The dream,
The wanting you.

…is what my name means.
I think it fitting, for me, so it seems.
I can never decide to which I belong.
Just as likely to commit right or wrong.
Perhaps I was predestined – I didn’t choose my name.
Someone must have known. Parents? God? The same.
Maybe my subconscious decided it should be so,
It heard my names meaning and let both sides grow.
Morality became fluid, bending at will.
Yet, who’s is a morality? Is yours mine? Is it still?
Why can’t I make up my own moral story,
On who’s authority does my conscience worry?
I think my morality is now all my own.
Yet for half of my actions, you beg I atone,
You pray I repent from what I think right,
Then laud my achievements round dinner each night.
I’m getting mixed signals, how can I be two?
Half of me perfect, half a false truth?
So it seems to me that the dark and the light,
Have split me even, half day and half night.
Half of me despicable, a monstrosity of lies,
Half of me perfect in your righteous eyes.
I need a connection, a passion, a choice to make,
I need to choose one or other – a single path to take.
The division is ripping, tearing me apart,
I feel joy in anger, hateful love in my heart.
With one decision, I’ll choose what I mean.
Of the Light and the Dark isn’t very fitting, it seems.

I love waking up to you like this, with the sheet pulled up to our waists, my arm around you, your hair all tangled in my face. A dusting of light squeezes through the gaps in the window curtains, gracing your cheek on the pillow beside mine. It plays in your hair, caresses your neck, and flutters down the length of your bare side. The feeling I get when you move against me is indescribable. Your skin. Your scent. Electrifying and calming all at once.

You never wake up before I do, leaving me time to admire your beauty. I have heard people say that they could watch the ocean forever, getting lost in the infinity of the waves and horizon. I feel that way about you. Forever I could listen to your gentle breath and watch the ceiling fan move the little wisp of hair near your ear.

Alas, you always wake, usually first with a slight stir of your legs. Then you take my arm, the one wrapped around you, and pull yourself closer to me until your back is against my chest and your feet tickle mine. I pull you closer to me still, kissing your neck just below the ear. This kiss never fails to finish waking you up, pulling you from whatever remnants were left of the dream you might've been in.

You roll over to face me, your chest against mine, our legs overlapping. Your hand comes up to stoke my hair as you kiss me, my hand on your hip. Morning begins as soon as you open your eyes. Those deep hazel eyes that I lose myself in. The eyes that I can find myself in. I kiss you once more before throwing off the covers and rolling out of bed.

Like clockwork, that is our morning routine. I love it. But this isn’t about our usual routine. This is about the mornings that start with more than a kiss.

This is about the mornings when you first stir and pull me close, pressing your hips against me. This is about the mornings when instead of just taking my arm, you take my hand beneath yours and direct my fingers down your neck, across your chest, to your waist. This is about the mornings when instead of a brief kiss on your neck, I place my kisses all over your body.

You slowly roll over to face me, the sunlight rolling across the incredible slopes of your bare body. My hand is in your messy, wonderful hair as we kiss. Your legs and mine are entangled, our toes warm under the sheet. Awe is the word that comes to mind as you, this beautiful person, climb on top of me, the lucky man. I love the way hair hangs messy in your face, tickling mine when you lean in for another deep kiss, body tingling as you guide me in.

It doesn’t feel hurried or hasty. It is slow and calm, a comfortable warmth only alluding to heat. This isn’t the fiery passion of the night before, both desperate to pleasure the other. It isn’t the reckless abandon of two lovers lost to the night. There will be no sore muscles or exhausted bodies when we are done. Instead, this feels like comfort, understanding. It feels like love.

You used to worry about how you looked when you woke up. You worried that you didn’t look **** without makeup, with messy hair, and the remnants of sleep in your face. But the truth is that I don’t mind if your hair is a mess, if sleep still dusts your eyes, or that lines from the pillow are imprinted on the side of your cheek. To me this is the epitome of comfort, the clearest way I can say that I want you. That I want you now, that I want you at any time, and that I always will. This is the time that I will think on as I go about my day, waiting to get back to you.

I love waking up to you like this.

A single crack is all it takes.
A single crack for walls to break.
A simple start to a catastrophic end,
A minor flaw for havoc makes.

So simple, a crack; so simple the wall,
So simple a crack to begin a fall.

I long to look upon your face and feel nothing.

No more emotion, whatever it may be;
I want to be cold again.

I want you to mean nothing to me, nothing at all.

But you do.
You still do.

I still can't see your picture without feeling.

I never figured out how to stop loving.
It seems to come so easily to some.
One day they can be enamored, devoted,
Readily professing their love for you,
Then the next day, act as though a stranger.
I never learned how to do that.
I never figured out how to stop caring,
Thinking
Dreaming
Wanting
Needing.
I never figured out how to stop loving you.

Everyone tells me that I’m the type of guy you fall in love with,
That I’m the type of guy every girl dreams of bringing home.
That to most, I am more than they had dreamt of.
But I’m not that guy,
I’m the guy that breaks your heart.
I’m the ******* that will let you fall in love with no intention of reciprocating.
I will leave you when you least expect it,
When you think that things are going great.
I’ll be the one to crush you.
The devil has blue eyes.
The devil has blue eyes.
He has perfect hair and a flawless smile.
He has a smirk and a charm,
An endearing laugh.
He’s funny, he’s flirty, he’s fit and handsome.
Everyone tells you he’s the type of guy you fall in love with,
The type of guy they wish they could bring home.
The type of guy they’ve only dreamt about.

I have demanded much from life,
Life has answered with the same.
I have shot for highest heights,
I never missed my aim.

I no longer have demands for life,
Instead, I make pleas.
I no longer stand with fists proffered,
I am on my knees.

I only have one request to make,
Greater than all before.
I only have one hope in my chest,
One final ember more.

Love is all I ask for now,
Love is all I need.
Love is all I think about,
Someone beside me.

Forever I may wander lost,
Looking for a sign.
Forever may she come to me,
Forever to be mine.

I have demanded much from life,
Perhaps too much, I see.
Worthiness no longer matters,
Let my love flow free.

She has my heart on the line, keeps me high strung.
If only she knew the power she held.
Her laughter chains me down while her smiles shackle my feet,
I cannot run, I cannot escape, her memory follows me wherever I go.
I cannot drown her out, block the thoughts, or hide from she, my *****.
She ruins my concentration, starves my love, and steals my every focus.
I cannot find repose.

This sunlight has traveled ninety-three million miles just to glow golden in your hair. There is not a more beautiful place it could have landed.

Are you having fun?

Tell me how it feels to be you, to be lost without a shred of reality.
Are you having fun yet?

I wanted to be the one by your side, the main man in your life.
You wanted to be free to party and sleep around, waking up unsure of who or where.
Well tell me then, are you having fun yet?

What do the cold morning walks feel like?
Does the morning mist make your disheveled makeup run even faster?
Are you having fun yet?

I wonder what you feel when you walk past couples in the park.
I wonder if you are sickened by the thought, the memory of you and I in the same place.
I hope you're having fun by now.

What went through your head when you saw me, my ******* my arm?
You were being pulled down a sidewalk by a drunken stunner you'd just met.
Were you having fun then?

I'm laying in my warm bed, beside my love, wondering about you.
I hate that I still wonder.
I wonder if you are having fun yet.

I know you are there, somewhere.
I believe you must exist.
All my life I've dreamed of you,
All my life I've hit and missed.

Goals each come easy to me,
Never failing to score my desires.
Yet love has come and gone with years,
Continuous cycle of sparks and fires.

Working hard to become myself,
To be someone worth needing or wanting.
I knew that if I loved myself first,
You might see someone worth loving.

Through all the worlds that I have achieved,
I've learned I don't do it for myself.
The hours in iron, in the books, on the field,
They weren't for me, but for someone else.

They were all for you, for you,
Whose name I do not yet know.
Everything I have built or achieved,
Was only just for show.

It was to make me the person I am today,
The man now armed to love.
It was to show me who I needed finding,
To build character worth dreaming of.

I know my campaign to soon bear fruit,
For how can I, or you, so quickly fail?
We've made it this far, we've tried so hard,
Both taking the less beaten trail.

Every mouth we have kissed,
Every lover held in the night,
Each has only been practice, for you and I,
Each that we might get it right.

So come to me my love,
My anticipation weighs heavy.
I've practiced years for you, and only you,
Come and find me ready.

Withered wings of wanting height,
Soon to die for love of flight.
Here to sound the dreaded call,
Here the reaping at the fall.

We hurried here and quickened there,
But lost our calm to unkept hair.
The goals of all so soon let go,
Unraveled in the wanton glow.

The sound of space roars silent here,
The deafening answer to our turned ear.
Narry again comes the dreaded call,
Bittersweet love to lose the fall.

We shouted and cried with all we had,
Trials and tribulations driving mad.
Formidable strength too young to fail,
Sent packing down through winding trail.

The scent of shame soon loses taste,
Now accustomed to our normal waste.
Few echoes left of binding call,
Few echoes left to remember at all.

The golden light dawns yet again,
Past westward reapings troubled then,
The dirt and ash falls to the floor,
Fiery wings take flight once more.

I remember the night that I met you.
It was pouring rain, us huddled under a tree with the red and blue lights of police cars flashing in the leaves. You had come running from one side of the tree, I had come running from the other, looking for shelter from the downpour and the law. A startled look stole your face when we both stopped in front of the trunk.

I remember the lights flashing in your green eyes - such a lovely sight. Drops of rain clinging to your eyelashes and dripping from your hair, soaked and hanging down to the middle of your back. You had a light sweater clutched around you, as though it could protect you from the weather.

I remember grinning as I took in the sight of you. I think right there, right then, a switch flipped somewhere in my brain. A new synapse must have been created, or maybe it was just my pounding heart, but I thought you to be the most beautiful being in the world. Something about the curve of your lips and the glint in your eyes made me forget the rain or even the reason I had been running in the first place. Girls can do such incredible things to boys.

I remember wanting to say hello, but being far too out of breath. You must have been the same, because we stood there for a long while, leaning against the trunk of the tree, just trying to breath normally again. I kept making awkward smiles, glancing in your direction. Hard as I might try to play it cool, I couldn't stop stealing looks.

I remember falling in love with you. It was the moment that you said "Hey there," as though this was a completely normal meeting, under completely normal circumstances. You said it as though we hadn't just been sprinting away from a busted party, as though the heavens weren't coming down all around us.

With two words I fell in love, and I have fallen a little more each moment since. You are my law breaking, rule bending, social butterfly of a princess, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I never thought that I'd be the one
To finally make you cry.

I swear I always swore to you,
That I would never be that type.

I play my music load, I rev my engine to feel the roar.
I amp up the bass until I can hear nothing more.

All so that I might forget the silent emptiness of my heart.

I go to concerts that ****** the ears, clubs with no peace.
I plug in my headphones any time or place.

All so that I might forget the silent emptiness of my heart.

I never stop talking when I'm with friends, or family at home.
I can't stand silence when I am alone.

Because I can't stand this silence in my heart.