Most days
I have a single fear:
That my life is just a dream
From which I might soon wake.

If this life is but a dream
Please let me stay asleep.

It seems to me
That the things I left untouched
Turned out to be the best.
And the things that I tried to fix
to win
to defeat
to help
Are worse than they were before.

It seems to me
I must find a certain romance
In people I cannot save.
And the battles that I cannot win
survive
escape
end
Are the only battles worth fighting.

I don't think I have the energy to be me. I don't have the energy to work out and run 5 miles every day. I am too tired to greet friends with enthusiasm and genuine joy. I lack the will to take risks and seize every chance I get. I don't have the strength to introduce myself to random strangers, strike up a conversation, and be friends. I don't have the time to be a part of every club and team. I don't have the energy to hit every party in one night. I don't have the rest to stay up all night, doing crazy things. I don't have the energy to fight the many battles I am in or the energy to make peace. I don't have the zeal to try new things. I don't have the passion to continue learning what I'm interested in. I don't have the desire to be sarcastic and joke about life. I just don't.

All these things make me who I am. All these things wear me thin and tire me out. The reward isn't big enough any more, the pain is too much, the effort to great. I want to let it collapse around me so badly. I want to fall into one of those people who do nothing but school, work, and Netflix. What a relaxing life that might be. No self inflicted pressures or expectations, no failures or effort, no rejection or hurt. It seems... safe. It would be safe to not be me, safe and comfortable. Maybe then I'd have the energy.



But I don't want to change. I don't want to be anyone else.

I love being me. I love who I am and all that I do. As tiring, as frustrating, as painful as it can be, I know that it is better than the alternative, that dreadful, seductive, alternative. At least this way I am alive. I am living, experiencing the world through more than just a screen. I am out here, on my own, actively shaping the world around me. I can never let myself slip, sliding into the easy life of safety and comfort. There is no adventure there, no danger to get the blood pumping. I desire passion and adrenaline, to remember just how ******* good the air tastes after it is almost taken from you forever. I need complexity, improvement, and experience, I need to feel things on a deeper level. I want more than what is found in a safe life. I want to live, I want to love, I want to Be.


That is why I know that I will always find a way. I know that I'll find something to keep me going during the hardest and most tiring of times. I'll always find something to pull myself back up when I fall. I cannot slip into that dark alternative, for to do so would be akin to the death of me, the death of Nathaniel, the death of who I am.

Falling in love was not slow,
It was not hard,
It was painless.

It happened in a heartbeat,
With a blink,
With a flash,
With a snap,
With a clap,
With a wink.

One second I was not,
The next I was.
I didn't know how.
I didn't know why.
But I knew it instantly.
I loved the love.
It became me,
Overtook me,
Consumed me.

To whisper "I love you" into her ear,
The greatest joy of my life.
Tickling hair as I lay near,
Brightest star in my night.

Here she stars on a stage,
Overwhelming the crowd.
Grace unmet in every age,
Their silent applause roars loud.

I long to be a part of her,
To revel in her soul.
My darker depths begin to stir,
When I relenquish my control.

I cannot help the way I am,
So in love and so alive.
She is the sun and I the sand,
Playing in the beach of life.

Her toes form in tiny curls,
When in her sleep she dreams.
I long to know the dreaming worlds,
When she lies softly beside me.

Where does she wander nightly,
When she drifts off into sleep?
Soft breathing, ever lightly,
Her mind delving deep.

To whisper "I love you" into her ear,
The purpose for which I exist.
To pull her closer, hold her near,
Nothing greater than this.

I don't need your love.
I don't need you around.
I would survive just fine without you.
You aren't what causes my heart to beat,
You are not the air within my lungs.
Sleep comes easily on my own.
My responsibilities are not yours.
I don't need you tonight,
I won't need you tomorrow.
I don't need your love.
And I don't need you.

No, I do not.

Instead, I want your love.
I want you around,
You enrich my every day.
I want you to be there to hear my heart,
I want you to be there to laugh with me.
I want to feel you sleep beside me, your hair tangled in my face.
I want to share the world with you.
Instead, I want you tonight.
I will want you tomorrow.
I want your love.
And I want you.

I will be fine without you. But I'll be so much better with you.

It seems to me now that I've outgrown you. Perhaps even, I've outgrown my former self. I remember the last time I saw you, the way I could look into your eyes and I see my world. In you, I found everything that meant anything to me. Sometimes I miss that feeling because it was comfort the likes of which I’d never known. But usually, I look back with a hint of bemused sadness on how blind and immature we were. There is enough separation that I can laugh about it now. I can laugh at all my fantasies of love and life and how each was supposed to work.
            I laugh when I remember thinking, "This is it, I've done it. I’ve finally found a purpose and a future for my life. It has to be her." My God, I knew so little. What knowledge did I have of the real world? I was a freshman in college coming from a sheltered youth, hopped up on testosterone and dreams of love. I had dreamt of it, what it might feel like, taste like, hurt like. But they were idealized dreams without any supporting material besides sonnets and the inescapable loneliness that caused me to fall into the well of my mind.
            The part that hurt was that I found those dreams in you. Everything that I had ever imagined or wanted, every scenario I'd mashed into a stained poem, I had it with you. I know I said so, but perhaps you never realized that you truly and literally were a dream come true for me. You went from a stranger to my all and everything in the blink of an eye. I know that to be my mistake, I know that it was foolish, but how can a person such as I resist seizing a dream when it stands before them, especially a dream as tantalizing and intriguing as you were at the time? I no longer blame myself for the way it all happened. I understand why I did it, and I have no regrets to lose sleep over.

            When I fell in love with you, you were infinite. The deeper I probed into your mind and your heart the more I would find, going on forever until I believed you limitless. You were the epitome of all that I wanted, and more. Sometimes I miss that wonderment and admiration because I was never bored, you were a constant mystery that my idly wasted mind just loved to unravel. For the longest time I believed you to be this amazing person with hopes and dreams that would rival mine, even more is that I believed you acted on them as I do.
            Sometime after we ended, somewhere in the middle of the healing process, I realized just how blinding love could be. I saw you in a different light then, one in which I wasn't blinded by all of the frills and little details that had taken up far too much of my attention. For the first time, I witnessed your actions in the third person and was finally able to be objective in my observation. I saw you for who you were, all of your fears and insecurity, lack of understanding, and the terror you have of the world. I saw in you the flaws corresponding to my greatest strengths.

            Naturally, I saw your flaws far, far before I could see mine. But now, enough time has passed that I can see myself for who I was then. I see how foolish I was to believe that you were the answer to the questions I focused my life around. I was young enough to let myself slide into the wild, blinding passage of young love, but old enough to be serious. I wasn't strong enough to let you go when I should have, not wise enough to know why I should, and not quick enough to save us when I didn’t. I was a foolish kid with a head full of dreams and a heart intoxicated with your drug. I see that now.

            I think I have outgrown both you and my former self. I have come light-years from where I was then, with countless more to go. The thing is, you haven't progressed at the rate that I have. You seem to be stuck, struggling with the same fears and insecurities and inexperience that drug you down before. Why didn't you mature with me? I have wished for months now that you might come along, find something else inside yourself that you could pull out and intrigue me with, yet again. I must admit, I want to fall in love with you again, but not the version of you I knew before. I want the version that is refined, just as alive and vibrant as before, but with a little bit of experience to take the edge off of your blinding fear. But no, it seems this version of you still does not exist. You are still trying to figure out who you are and where you belong in this beautiful world that has been nothing but generous and kind to you. I watch you bounce from place to place, searching for something that makes you feel safe and as though you are making progress. Progress towards what, I still think you don't know.
            I honestly hope you find what you are looking for and manage to create that better version of you. I hope you learn about who you are and what you want with your life. Until then, the thought will be there, sequestered away into a tiny cell in the back of my mind. I look forward to meeting the new you someday.

Come find me when you are done.

We will stand the test of time!
For you, I'll wait in line.
Though enemies are all around,
Battered by the horrid sound,
I will wait, oh love of mine.

My spirit is failing fast,
I fear this is my last.
But you inspire to hold strong,
To keep fighting further on,
Watching each minute slowly pass.

My legs begin to fail,
Face and hands have paled.
You have not yet returned,
It is soon to be my turn!
Please come back, forget the sale!

I cannot possibly do more,
No longer worth fighting for.
My love, I long for thee,
I beg you to forgive me,
As I sprint my way towards the door.

I could not stand the time,
I've failed you, love of mine.
I thought myself to be a hero,
But failed to defeat my final foe,
The Walmart checkout line.

Sometimes, rarely often,
I lie awake, awake at night.
I wonder, wander, ponder,
The theme of you and I.

Though my soul blooms sick,
With ever lasting, lasting doubt,
I try to find, fend, comprehend,
Just how I'll go without.

You and I, such doomed hope,
This play of such, such cruelty.
Fate molded, melded, welded,
I to you and you to me.

Through scenes of flawed perfection,
We dance, dance and sigh.
Still flitting, flaunting, wanting,
Our freedom and the sky.

I feel better knowing you're not alone,
It brings me some sort of restless peace.
I don't know why it feels this way,
But it is a beautiful rest for me.

I feel better knowing the way it is,
I love the solitude it will find.
Not quite sure if it will last,
But it brings quiet to my mind.

I feel better seeing the threads all fray,
Such pleasure found in their breaking.
They come apart, each in turn,
But I love the sounds they are making.

I feel better knowing the lines appear,
That they don't exude the sadness and lies.
They bring me peace as I crawl along,
As though the clouds leave my starry skies.

I feel better watching the ice all melt,
As it drips away from the core.
Each drop carries away my burden,
Until I have a burden no more.

I feel better knowing some form of truth,
It keeps me from wondering so long.
The time once spent in contemplation,
Is now spent strumming another song.

I feel better knowing that peace is found,
Because it keeps me from keeping the peace.
I don't know why it was always me,
Who was left sifting through the sheets.

I feel better knowing how it feels,
To be so near and whole.
I don't quite know nor understand,
But I don't need to, I've been told.

I feel better knowing that smiles break,
That I for once, don't have to smile.
The release I feel, with every grin,
Freedom not felt for long while.

I feel better knowing it is no longer my care,
That someone else will shoulder the blame.
My shoulders stretch while my back mends,
Broken and sore from all this strain.

I feel better knowing I can be forgotten,
Even if for but a moment.
It finally means that I too can forget,
Without the guilt I always spent.

I feel better knowing that only a shadow,
Remains of all that I endured.
That I don't need to take it,
That I can finally fly once more.

I feel better knowing that happiness,
Is only sometimes just an illusion.
It brings the world again to my hand,
Eliminating all the weighty confusion.

I feel better knowing the pain is only mine,
That I can finally fight my demons through.
I await the day I watch them fall,
I know them weak, and my sword is true.

I feel better knowing I'm not alone,
That there is someone, something else out there.
I don't know why it feels this way,
But it keeps my from all my despair.

She was the sound in each drop of rain,
She was the reflection in my window pane.
She was the craze when I went insane,
She was the hurt beneath all my pain.
She was the cloud under which I'd lain,
She was the drug that flowed in each vein.
She was the the energy I couldn't contain,
She was the life that flooded my brain.
She was the loneliness in every wine stain,
She was the bullet from which I refrained.
She was the heartache I could not explain,
She was the blood that circled the drain.
She was the secret that I kept in vain.
She was the one thing that I couldn't train,
She was the poisonous, deadliest bane.

--But she was the reason I listened to the rain.

But she was the reason.

But she was.

**She was.

She sells herself to the highest bidder,
This is the auction for her body.
Flaunting curves of heavenly perfection,
Both her business and her hobby.

She likes to tease the boys,
But loves to torture the men.
Something mysterious, dark, sublime,
It never fails to draw them in.

--

She reads both tabloids and the classics,
This the debate for her mind.
Lost within the gossip but,
Desiring substance of greater kind.

She dreams of high society,
Found in her ancient texts,
But gets off to photos of celebrities,
And the rumors of who ***** next.

--

She sifts through knights and thieves,
This is the courtship of her heart.
She loves to play with the suitors,
Tearing them each apart.

They come in droves to ask her hand,
She toys with all kinds alike.
Bending knee or savage romance,
Unable to decide which she likes.

--

She lies awake unable to sleep,
This is the battle for her soul.
Which is it that she will be?
Her actions take their toll.

She dreams of fields bathed in white,
Innocence pure and plain.
But she loves the dark and dangerous,
Longing to surrender herself again.

I don't know why she feels alone,
I've never really understood.
She fills a room with a quip and smile,
The way no other could.

I don't know why she cries at night,
Or why laughter is so rare.
If only she knew that the very sound,
Locks me in the moment, then and there.

I don't know why she lies to me,
Always saying that things are okay.
She doesn't see that I'd do anything,
To bring happiness to her day.

I don't know why her pen falls,
From hands so shaking and cold.
When once before she wrote the world,
Carving joy in words so bold.

I don't know why she feels the need,
To put herself through pain.
Why she can't stand to sleep it off,
When she cries over him again.

I don't know who she is,
I don't know why she does.
I don't know when she went,
I only know who she was.

Something there, beneath her skin,
Begged me to come nearer.
I've never been able to quite decide,
What it was that made me want her.

Perhaps it was the way the wind,
Would toy with her golden hair.
The curls and twirls of all her beauty,
Envy not lost on the summer air.

Maybe even it was the sound,
Of her laughter across the room.
So light and lively, full of life,
Never fails to set the mood.

Then again, that flashing smile,
And the way she giggled at me.
It might have been something within,
Always trying to set me free.

I suppose it might have been the hush,
That would take a room by surprise.
People would stop for just a moment,
The moment she stepped inside.

Looking back, I know now,
That I might never know the cause.
For all the kisses spent and smiles lost,
I am glad I knew her for who she was.

Star light, star bright, I need a star to see tonight. Here I lay by heavens might, a whisper in the gale of fright. In this sea of resounding sight, the doubts and lies are soon made right. Star light, starry night, come wash away my heart tonight.

A wonder it is this starry night,
Grace hearken close to me.
Forever looking on at my weighty plight,
Countless observers of my infinity.

From drawn sweater strings to rumbling exhaust,
This something follows me home.
It reminds me of all the longing lost,
And of my self-titled, empty tome.

From little laughs and midnight streaks,
I've learned to love my disappointment.
The ways of the world leave a future bleak,
No solace in any appointment.

From dusk til dawn I tarry not,
Lest I find myself stuck in place.
From day to day I search for thought,
To bring light to my now empty face.

I fear for all I have so far loved,
I fear I will lose them in my lies.
They won't understand my flight to above,
They won't understand me when I die.

Why can none understand this way,
Won't acknowledge that I choose life over fear?
What is there left that I can say,
That validates holding passion most near?

Forever and onward it seems to me,
That I will be running to find.
I'll be looking and looking for my final peace,
Until the end of time.

I want to be with you,
See you
Hear you
Smell you
Touch you
Taste you
I want to feel you, in my heart, beside me.
I want to know what you’re thinking,
Please tell me your dreams.
I want to hear every small idea that pops into your beautiful mind.

I’m not good at this, I know I’m not.
I never claimed to be.
This is the point I lose my footing,
The place I fail to see.
This is where I need some help,
I need you beside me.

I miss the laughter, my God, it hurts.
To think that I might miss a smile.
Please come back, I miss you dearly,
I haven’t slept in a while.

I’m sorry if I pressured you,
If I stressed way too much.
I never meant to push you away,
Or to squeeze you in my clutch.

I only wanted to be with you,
To try and brighten your every day.
I regret every time I never told you,
Every chance I failed to say…

I love you.
I love you.
If only you could see that it is true.
I’ve never felt this way before,
It’s only been with you.

I’m sorry if that was scary,
If I came on far too strong.
I know it to be a flaw in me,
I let passion string me along.

It feels like drowning without you,
I struggle with every breath.
Please come back, my oxygen,
Your love saved me, I confess.

I don’t know what I can do,
I wish I knew how to fight.
I don’t want to push you,
But you are all I see at night.

I long to look into your eyes,
And see something more than distaste.
I need to hear your voice again,
Watch my heart laid waste.

I’ve asked nothing of you but patience,
I’ll ask nothing more of you still.
I’m drowning here without you,
Come back to me if you will.

I asked how I might know when it was over.

They said, "When you love the memory more than the person standing in front of you."

Then you came to find me, said you wanted to talk.

I remembered us. The boat, the pool, the lake, the fires, the bikes, the dances, the singing, the running, the library, the laughter, the pictures, the kitchen, the park, the hikes, the camping, the movies, the books, the music, the truck, the thousand kisses, and everything else came rushing back.

I looked at you standing in front of me and I thought about the memories.

It was then that I knew it was over.

It was first time in a long time,
That nothing held me back.
Years had passed it seemed,
Since I had no strings attached.

Strings I then cast off,
Constrained by no thing or one.
Never again to miss a chance,
No responsibility but fun.

I live life like I wish,
Finally, truly free.
Happiness in letting go,
In living just for me.

I surround myself with like people,
Enlightened, cheery, loud.
We run around and love our lives,
Not worry nor doubt is found.

Some call us irresponsible,
But only those unlike us.
They haven't learned their full potential,
They look with old disgust.

But they can't begin to hold us back,
When we are flying free of all.
We have no past, no future here,
Only the present in which to fall.

Occasionally we lose a member,
One whose weakness drags them down.
Sometimes it is unrequited love,
Sometimes they guilt for those around.

But we fly on, on,
I don't see it ever ending.
We have now surpassed it all,
Our will is never bending.

Occasionally we find others,
Who share our enlightened state.
We frolic and we play and laugh,
Engage in lively debate.

We are not on a path to failure,
Please don't get me wrong.
We still ensure our own successes,
We just don't worry about it long.

What is the point of living life,
With faulty hopes and dreams?
Why not let go and live for yourself,
Define what this life means?

This is where I found my peace,
My full love and happiness.
No strings attached is my best way,
I've never loved more than this.

Without fail we will go on,
Loving life to its fullest.
Quietly aiding those drowning in demons,
Showing them why life exists.

Until my bones are but dust,
And my heart fails to beat,
I will free myself from the dirt,
And live as I want to be.

The audacity is staggering,
Enraged ego makes me laugh.
Why do you think it is yours,
When common fantasy I craft?

I write for me, myself, and I,
And often, for another.
But I too write for audience,
To give them chills and shudders.

I pull emotion from my heart,
And feeling from my past.
Sometimes I will write in truth,
But stories are told in final draft.

I love to mess with the mind,
Confuse and frustrate readers.
I don't want you to know the meaning,
And I don't want you to know me either.

Leave the ego and assumption behind,
I rhyme for for art and applause.
It hones my skills for further use,
Sharpening poetic claws.

Even this is not what you think,
If you know me you'll understand.
This is a cryptic verse,
From the beginning planned.

So read on with a grain of salt,
Be wary as you go.
Many of my works are true,
But which you'll never know.

She tossed her halo back on the shelf,
Didn't take much energy there.
Upon her head it seemed to drown her,
A suffocating glow upon her hair.

She tossed her halo under the the bed saying,
She didn't need it that night.
The room finally bathed in darkness,
Suddenly hidden from the light.

She tossed her halo into her bag,
Where nobody would suspect it.
She threw the bag across her shoulder,
Making no effort to protect it.

She tossed her halo into the closet,
Who's closet she didn't really know.
Everyone loved the stony darkness,
Nothing revealed in golden glow.

She tossed her halo into the trunk,
Saying this time was for her.
They drove on into the night,
Not knowing where they were.

She tossed her halo into the trash,
Revolting from that life.
Rocking on next to her shadow,
She didn't miss the light.

She tossed her halo off the bridge,
Fully embracing the black.
I jumped in to follow it,
I drowned trying to bring it back.

I want to know why, how, and when,
But I can't. So I sit, and then,
I begin to wonder, to think about,
All that's within me, then I shout.
I yell and scream to the sky,
Wondering, always wondering why,
This gift I have is too a curse.
Like water that could end my thirst,
It flows, just beyond reach.
But never nearer. I beseech:
Let this sweet torture end,
Let me paddle around the bend,
If I cannot leave this lot behind,
I fear, no happiness will I find.
In sad solitude I will remain,
Never to be joyful again,
Never to see a kind, smiling face,
Never to know love's sweet grace,
I will lay stricken, on the border,
Between lines of battlefield disorder.
On opposing sides, my curse and my gift,
One and the same, creating a rift.
A chasm into which I will fall,
Where people will look down in awe,
Where they will see me, broken and cold,
Where my heart will remain, until I am old.
They will place a plaque, at the edge of my grave:
Here lies he, who was made a slave.
A slave to that which was a gift and a curse,
He left himself behind, and put her first.
Just beyond reach, she danced and lured,
And though she knew his heart was skewered,
She left him to die in this chasm of pain,
Never to know true love again.

He thought his heart to be made of stone.
As cold as ice, it was his own.
None could bear it's weight,
Forever alone, an etched fate.

That was before he met the girl.
Who was to disprove his rocky world.
Her eyes of fire bore into him,
The icicles began to drip within.

Slowly at first, but soon faster.
He struggled to stay his master,
But her laugh and smile invigorated,
Cracks in his solid heart created.

He tried to slow down his melt,
Unaccustomed and scared by what he felt.
But her depth and thought, unparallel,
Brought down the remains of his icy shell.

All that was left was a rocky core.
Satisfied, he thought she could do no more.
But the warmth of her lips could not be denied,
The stone crumbled, he melted inside.

I used to stand before my kingdom,
Staring down to those below.
Wondering how to next amaze them,
To keep them in my shadow.

I used to stand beside the best,
Plotting my next ambitious move.
Each peer merely another test,
A battleground where I could prove.

Mind and body, my mighty sword,
Fist and pen, my trusty shield.
Opponents fell with my every word,
Until I cleared the field.

Then I attempted my greatest feat,
To conquer all the world.
To take down the highest elite,
And watch my flag unfurled.

Too long my power unparalleled,
Too long without an equal
Too many enemies, easily felled,
Eliminated my sequel.

My mind had dulled, my body weak,
Words did not flow forth to shield.
The fall came at my peak,
My fate was newly sealed.

What good was I, now below,
A king without his kingdom.
What did I have to show,
For the battles I had won?

Looking up, I could see,
My throne sitting far above
The place I used to be.
My one and only love.

I am defeated and downtrodden.
I wander cold and alone,
My feet tired and sodden.
For my sins I must atone.

Earth below and sky above,
This the place I truly love.
Where looking out to vision's end,
Heaven and earth begin to blend.
The earth juts up in jagged heights,
Creating these rugged sights.
Snow capped peaks, white as flour,
Dazzle the eyes this morning hour.
The crest of the sun begins to show,
Casting shadows on the valley below.
The luscious grass still this morning,
Drops of dew, still adorning.
The hand of God paints the sky,
Oranges, yellows, reds all fly.
This, the pinnacle of perfection,
This, the source of my affection.

-For Kelly

10/7/2012

Horizon flooded with watercolor,
No sunset quite like another.
Croaking of frogs all around,
Drowning out other sounds,
Air gone still in preperation,
Wildlife rest in expectation.
The heat of day begins to die,
As the sun leaves the sky.
Shadows expand to cover all,
Darkness enjoys the day's fall.
Stars glow upon heaven's floor,
Oh, how many, so many more!
The moon appears, full and bright,
Come to watch us in the night.
Its warm presence lights the rock,
Keeps me steady as I walk.
Coyotes howl from distant hills,
Thrilling, giving ancient chills.
Owls will begin to call out soon,
Making me want to join their tune.
Finally at my destination,
I prepare to enhance my fascination.
Invigorating scent of fresh cut hay,
Keeps me awake as I lay,
Staring up to unfathomable height,
Respecting all the power and might,
Realize just how small we are,
Even compared to a distant star.
Events come back into perspective,
We are truly, truly subjective.
For hours, laying on my back,
Watching satellites as they track.
Loving the peace the darkness brings,
Forgetting about all other things.
I look to heaven, begin to pray,
Then rolling off my bale of hay,
Retrace my steps through the fescue,
Thanking the night for the rescue.

The history of my heart is written in rhymes.
The flow and meter of good and bad times,
All contained within the pages of a book,
Very few will ever earn a look.

My deepest secrets set in ink,
The blue lined page my only shrink.
My sins are masked hyberbole,
What they are, I'll never say.

When I have a space to fill,
Or the need to record my newest ****,
I begin again upon new page,
My alter ego, the sinning sage.

When I bear your transgressions,
I write them down as your confessions,
I rhyme the ways that you have wronged me,
Predicting what you will never be.

When my heart is under fire,
Or when it screams a new desire,
It all goes down in neat, narrow scrawl,
More impatient and vengeful than King Saul.

Whatever I feel, whatever I think,
It all goes down in this black, shiny ink.
Mind to pen to paper without delay,
I truly know no other way.

The story of my life is written in rhymes.
Pages filled with rephrased crimes.
Trapped between covers of a book,
The place where few shall ever look.

I the captain of my soul,
I Shall not wait for the toll.
For I command my ship, it is my own,
Truly mine, and mine alone.

I stand before the massive wheel,
Let life pass beneath my keel.
I need not your wind in my sail,
For I am the captain, I will prevail.


-I read invictus last night and it inspired me to write my own

Once words flew from my mind.
Filling every page, the rhymes aligned.
From brain to fingers to all the keys,
Every word came with such ease.

I could only write when you gave me pain.
And so it happened time and again,
Where you cut me open and left me bleeding,
Every drop was a new verse feeding.

But that was before we split apart,
Back before I examined my heart.
Amazing the effect you had on me,
It was impossible for me to foresee.

Now you don't get blood flowing.
Never again to get my keys going.
Only scars remain since I left you,
Yet it seems, my poems left too.

I've had it all,
I've lost it all.
I was wrong,
For far too long,
So I had my fall.

I had the car,
I owned a star.
I was king to those around,
Now I'm greeted with no sound,
I'll not make it far.

Alone and cold,
No longer bold.
I'm chilled to the bone,
Suffering alone,
Failing as I'm told.

Night or day,
I sit and pray.
I need something new,
Someone to woo.
Somewhere I can lay.

But I'm gassed,
My time is passed.
Nothing now to chain me down,
Never again to don my crown,
I am free at last.

Crystal drops
Of salt and sin,
Dribble down
To trembling chin.

Bluest eyes
Of deepest hue,
Swim in oceans
Deep and true.

Midnight hair
Dark as space,
Hangs all shaken
In your face.

Luscious lips
Full and soft,
Tremble gently
No sound aloft.

Hands clenched
So small and smooth,
In your lap
Unable to move.

You sit alone
Among your fears,
Just letting fall
Your crystal tears.

Just let me hold you,
Squeeze you tight.
I'll ease your fears,
Here tonight.

We can sit together,
Contemplating sin.
And when you tire,
I'll tuck you in.

If it rains,
And starts to thunder,
You'll ask me to stay,
So I'll climb under.

I'll pull you near,
And hold you close.
Whisper in your ear,
That I love you most.

You'll fall asleep,
Against my chest.
I'll hold your hand,
And watch you rest.

So let me hold you,
And squeeze you tight.
I want to love you,
Here tonight.

You are
What you do,
What you say.
How you spend,
Each empty day.

You are
Your perfections,
Your mistakes.
Always learning,
What it takes.

You are
Your decisions,
Your choices.
The opportunities,
And all your little voices.

You are
Both terrible,
And kind.
Not more of one,
But balanced in mind.

You are
A sinner,
A saint.
Simply a human,
Though it be faint.

You are
Not perfect,
Not flawed.
Just struggling,
And awed.

You are
Your wants
Your needs
But most of all,
You are your deeds.

Waves breaking all around,
Midnight sky, without a sound.
Sandy beach below my feet,
Ground slowly losing heat.
Wind blows your gentle hair,
Making me love the nighttime air.
Moonlit glow within your eyes,
Complementing happy sighs.
Your hand soft as ocean scent,
Taking mine on the descent.
Wavelike rhythm of your heart,
Nothing keeping us apart.
Midnight gentleness in your lips,
The feel of your skin on my fingertips.
We sit and watch the ocean view,
But it just can't compare to the beauty in you.

This Is the Morning

Morning air, brisk and clean,
Water reflecting sunrise sheen.
Fish break the the quiet glass,
Frogs jump as I pass.
Birds twitter in the trees,
Dragonflies buzz as they please.
Boots soaked with dewey damp,
Leave behind their muddy stamp.
Through grassy field, waist length,
Fresh scent lending strength.
Between trees centuries old,
Mottled bark still rough and cold.
From the forest into the glade,
To my stump, still in shade.
Sit and watch nature performing,
Yet another spectacular morning.

Follow me.
I know where I'm going.
Follow me.
My greatness bestowing.
Follow me.
I can light the way.
Follow me.
I know what to say.
Follow me.
You won't understand.
Follow me.
Just take my hand.
Follow me.
And have not a doubt.
Follow me.
I will lead you out.
Follow me.
Wait where are you going?
Stop, follow me!
What the heck, seriously?
Follow me ******!
Come back!
Alright, alright I'm coming...

11/20/2012

Fifteen years will not find me a suburban home.
Not minivan nor prius in my driveway.
You see, I need space to roam.
I was born for the open highway.

All I need is a 'vette and a Jeep.
Just a cabin in the mountains,
A condo on the beech,
A suite above the Vegas fountains.

I'll never settle, not when old,
And I'll not be tied down by any wife.
I refuse to fill the common mould,
I was meant for the free life.

I've always wondered,
If there was more.
Something bigger,
I should be looking for.

At first I thought,
Maybe it is success.
So I succeeded in all,
I am the best.

But still I don't feel,
The way that I might.
So I will keep looking,
Until it feels right.

I thought maybe wealth,
Was the key to it all.
I work and I earn,
But that isn't the call.

The toys are fun,
The parties are great.
But I don't find meaning,
Driving one fifty eight.

At only seventeen,
I questioned the rules.
A year later I realize,
I was one of the fools.

There was no thrill,
In breaking the law.
Yet I was never caught,
By the courtroom's claw.

What more was left?
What hadn't I won?
I thought it was over,
My philosophy done.

I tried the last thing,
That I could think of:
The deepest and sweetest,
The purest of love.

I've tried many girls,
Until I found the one.
So incredibly smart,
Beautiful and fun.

I love her like nothing else.
She is the reason I continue.
Her perfection saved me,
From ending this venue.

But still unsatisfied,
I am hungry and tired.
Will I ever find,
All that I desired?

I talk with God,
Every morning and night.
I ask for forgiveness,
Rescue from this plight.

I can see his works,
Both far and wide,
Yet I still feel,
So empty inside.

Look at me, and all I have.
Now look inside. See?
I just don't get it.
What is wrong with me?

I'm a terrible person,
Still missing my meaning.
I'm happy, yet sad,
Nothing redeeming.

So still I wonder,
Is there something more?
Something bigger, better,
I should be looking for?

I'll give you one last kiss,
But now I must go.
They will come soon,
I don't want you to know.

Your innocence steals me.
I'm leaving in the night.
My goodness remains,
With you in the moonlight.

I change, I revert,
When I cross the threshold.
Back to my ****** business,
I am death to behold.

I've wronged the wrong,
And they want me dead.
They won't stop,
Until I bathe in red.

Yet they don't know,
I am no longer the hunted.
Blood they will get.
Blood is what they wanted.

Lie with me,
In two senses.
Lie to ourselves,
Nothing else matters.
Lie to the world,
We aren't ordinary.

Now lie with me,
Your back in the grass,
Feel the earth's breath,
Upon your silken skin.
Feel her subtleties,
Her sophistication,
Her beauty...
Like you.
Lie here with me,
In the moonlight.
Hear my whisper in your ear,
Bask in my  warmth.
Feel the roughness of my fingers,
Entwined in yours,
So delicate and smooth...
Lie with me under heaven's floor.
Stare into the darkness,
Let it take control.
Understand the power around you,
Understand the gentleness beside you.
See the millions of stars,
So far away.
See the moon,
Its glow lights our night.
Just lie here...feel...understand...
Can you tell how small we are?
Does it have a hold on your soul yet?
Are you not overwhelmed!?
Does the power and awe not inspire you to be the best you can be?!
You are a part of this perfect universe!
You are a tiny speck of carbon and perfection...
Now I hope you see,
Feel,
Understand...
That is how I feel inside,
Every moment, of every day.
So tonight,
Lie here beside me.
Feel my strength,
In comparison, weakness,
And feel everything around you.
I can give you no greater gift.
I can express no greater love.

Baby its cold outside,
Lets go turn up the heat.
Maybe kindle some pillows,
Make a fire of your sheets.

Throw on some blankets,
Build up the heat.
There's a hotter side of me,
That I want you to meet.

It might snow or sleet,
A long winter storm,
But tonight I can promise,
I'll be keeping you warm.

Slowly, slowly,
It is seeping.
Losing life,
Softly beeping.

Glowing fainter,
Every flash,
Slightly dimmer,
Than the last.

All I need,
Is a minute more.
Just sixty seconds,
I implore.

It has taken too long,
Life is ending.
Reaching the limit,
No relenting.

The screen goes dark,
Realize my dread.
The line goes flat,  
My phone is dead.

Can you hear it coming?
The rhythm of the drumming?
It thunders loud in my ears,
Confirming all my fears.
Realizing my dread,
By morning we will be dead.

It is inescapable,
We are totally incapable,
Of meeting this demand,
This is our final stand.
We have not long left to live,
And only our lives left to give.

So prepare yourselves.
Clear your shelves,
Sweep the floor,
Then file out the door.
Bring nothing along,
But strength and a song.

Straight and steady,
Prepared and ready.
Prostrate on the ground,
Wait, wait, for the ending sound.
Don't hide and don't you run,
This life is nearly done.

Rolling meadows drenched in white,
Floating fields of such delight.
Just breath in the sultry air,
Soak it in without a care.

Lots of little children's feet,
Have left the track with printed beat.
Your bare feet, not fleet as those,
Love the dust between your toes.

Drop down now amidst the flowers,
You won't be missed for several hours.
Lie on your back, look to my sky,
Don't you think, don't wonder why.

Pull a daisy from the ground,
Plenty more, all around.
Pluck petals, small and fair,
Watch them drift off through the air.

Hold against your tickled nose,
Scent sweeter than any rose.
Innocent smiles light your face,
Reflecting the beauty in this place.

Petals fallen in your hair,
Fuzzy bees flit through the air.
Butterflies on painted wing,
Float as though on broken string.

High above the clouds pass by,
Imagine shapes, if you try.
The sun beats down on summer skin,
Warming your heart, from within.

Pull more daisies from the land,
Hold them gently in your hand,
Squeeze them softly against your chest,
They won't mind if you rest.

Footsteps raise you from your sleep,
Rising out of dreams so sweet.
But it's alright, smiles crack,
He's holding daisies behind his back.


A girl asked me for a poem about daisies. I complied.

You and me,
Just wait and see.
You'll never believe,
What we could be.

Our hearts align,
It's in the design.
I don't know yours,
But you know mine.

You might be scared,
But if you dare,
I can show you,
How much I care.

Your beauty defies,
My very eyes.
Don't you blush,
I don't tell lies.

I'll never demand,
To hold your hand.
Let's take it slow,
You're in command.

When it's right,
You'll feel that light.
That's when you know,
We will be alright.

It's you and me,
Just waiting to see,
What this love,
Might turn out to be.

Tickle torture,
Pillow fight,
Midnight scorcher,
Summer night.

Lighting bugs,
Croaking frogs,
Loving hugs,
Burning logs.

Scary stories,
Nervous laughter,
Starry glories,
Shortly after.

Heaven's floor,
Billion lights,
Living for,
Summer nights.

"If it was meant to happen,
Then it will happen."
Thus the excuse for your failed dreams.
But this, a lie, is not how it seems.
Things do not just magically occur,
No, you don't just magically procure,
What you need. What you desire,
It doesn't happen, wishes don't inspire.
Get off your ***, do it yourself.
You get what you want, and nobody else.
Don't just wish and hope and wait,
Take an active role in your fate!
You must do it, seek it out,
Stop thinking so much, eliminate doubt.
Praying, hoping, wishing it true,
Won't get as far as a determined you.
So stop believing that "it will be."
End this torturous "wait and see!"
Say what it is that needs to be said,
Get those desires out of your head.
One person decides on "meant to be."
That person is you. Now try it, you'll see.

1/23/13

Writhing hearts lay in their boxes,
Pumping furiously, ever trying.
Absorbing all the deadly toxins,
Unconsciously, slowly dying.

They hold on to a brighter hope,
That something good lies ahead.
Yet they don't have the wider scope,
That would suffocate with dread.

They think their boxes tight enough,
Thinking nothing can get in.
But the world has already called their bluff,
The cracks, though many, are thin.

The toxic vapors squeeze through,
To watch the hearts as they try.
Breathing words golden and true,
Breeding yet another lie.

With each new painful deception,
A heart beats unsteady.
Until the heart makes the correction,
It will never be ready.

Societal fumes of such despair,
Block the saving oxygen.
There is not enough mountain air,
To save the hearts from sin.

In their boxes they will beat,
Unsteady as they go.
They have already learned defeat,
Lies are all they know.

I float away and look to the sky,
Just wondering, wondering why.
I yell aloud all my frustration,
My voice increasing my perturbation.
I think about the doubts inside,
All the feelings I am trying to hide.
I think I might be different than the rest,
Maybe something is different in my chest.
I think that maybe my head is off.
I think maybe I was made too soft.
I stop my yells as I realize,
That the answer is in these starry skies.
Finally I can see,
That it's just me.
Im not special, nothing different at all,
So many others have felt this pall,
Nothing more than another number,
No brighter than any other.
I'm just another star,
Up there where a billion others are.
I'm nothing new.
Nothing more true.
I'm just little old me,
Tossed around on an endless sea.
Floating, sometimes bobbing under,
Feeling the world's endless hunger.
Because I can see every star,
None more than the others are.
Just like me, plain old me,
Just another drop in this endless sea.