Feb 2016
I am trapped by my own ideology,
Stuck between a rock and a hard place:
What I want and who I want to be.
How can I choose which is better for me?
One, a desire – a hunger, a burning passion that is mine. It has become a part of me, defined me, and helped craft me into who I am.
The thought of losing this desire sickens and saddens me. It is all I can think of right now, how I would be unable to grasp the warmth and pleasure.
I will miss it. It will always be on my mind, always somewhere in my chest. It will be beating, gnawing, eating me alive from the inside – for I will have no way to let it out.
This is the rock, the want for which I love and enjoy and hate to lose. This is the desire that I will constantly be reminded of, that I will have to battle against – spending so much time and energy just trying not to miss it.
Unfortunately for me, my desire conflicts with who I want to be.
I want to be good and honest, helpful and holy and willing to sacrifice. I don’t want to be shallow or superficial, I don’t want to choose what I want now over what I want most.
I find it agonizing that I must choose. That I must choose to abstain from all my desires just so that I don’t lose who I am. I know that if I chose what I want over who I want to be, I don’t know where I would wind up. I fear that I would have a crisis of self, in wondering what it is that I am working for, hunting for, seeking out.
Choosing who I want to be has its many rewards, it is a reward in itself. It will bring me laughter and joy, love and happiness. It will bring security and warmth to my life.
But all the while, I’ll be wishing I could have my desire as well. I’ll be constantly fighting off the will to let in, to let loose, to plunge back into the pleasure that I currently have. All the while I’ll just be waiting to find that pleasure again. It will cloud my thoughts, my wants, my needs. It will become a gnawing hunger in my chest that I will have to learn to ignore.
I already know what my choice will be – it is the only one I can make. I know I must choose to be who I want to be, because I won’t be able to live with myself otherwise. I am trapped, pinned by ideology. I can’t risk losing the joy of WHO I want, for the pleasure of WHAT I want. I am trapped.
Trapped.
Trapped.
Trapped.
Stuck between a rock and a hard place:
What I want and who I want to be.
How can I choose which is better for me?
One, a desire – a hunger, a burning passion that is mine. It has become a part of me, defined me, and helped craft me into who I am.
The thought of losing this desire sickens and saddens me. It is all I can think of right now, how I would be unable to grasp the warmth and pleasure.
I will miss it. It will always be on my mind, always somewhere in my chest. It will be beating, gnawing, eating me alive from the inside – for I will have no way to let it out.
This is the rock, the want for which I love and enjoy and hate to lose. This is the desire that I will constantly be reminded of, that I will have to battle against – spending so much time and energy just trying not to miss it.
Unfortunately for me, my desire conflicts with who I want to be.
I want to be good and honest, helpful and holy and willing to sacrifice. I don’t want to be shallow or superficial, I don’t want to choose what I want now over what I want most.
I find it agonizing that I must choose. That I must choose to abstain from all my desires just so that I don’t lose who I am. I know that if I chose what I want over who I want to be, I don’t know where I would wind up. I fear that I would have a crisis of self, in wondering what it is that I am working for, hunting for, seeking out.
Choosing who I want to be has its many rewards, it is a reward in itself. It will bring me laughter and joy, love and happiness. It will bring security and warmth to my life.
But all the while, I’ll be wishing I could have my desire as well. I’ll be constantly fighting off the will to let in, to let loose, to plunge back into the pleasure that I currently have. All the while I’ll just be waiting to find that pleasure again. It will cloud my thoughts, my wants, my needs. It will become a gnawing hunger in my chest that I will have to learn to ignore.
I already know what my choice will be – it is the only one I can make. I know I must choose to be who I want to be, because I won’t be able to live with myself otherwise. I am trapped, pinned by ideology. I can’t risk losing the joy of WHO I want, for the pleasure of WHAT I want. I am trapped.
Trapped.
Trapped.
Trapped.
I feel an aching in my chest, a sadness at having put myself in this position. I feel a sadness in knowing that I don't really have a choice in the matter. A sense of defeat clouds what should be joy and elation - I am no longer in control of what I want.
