I used to wish I had
another life

daydream
about living
without the stress of mine
"if only,
life had given me
better cards to play"

now, I'm just envious
of others
minds

it's not
the cards I was dealt
that are the problem-

it's the constant overlooking
of plays
I could have made
continuous mistakes
my own
personal
issues
preventing me
from turning out
on top

used to think
(still kind of do)
that everyone who was
"happy"
were just deceiving themselves

lying
telling theirself
that they were happy
so much so
that they
believed it-
using
distractions
to keep their misery at bay

now I realize
that thought
was quite a bit
of self-projection

how nice it would be
to have passion again
emotion
my outgoing nature

I've been dealing with her for years
which leaves me to wonder-
has my personality
just been
a fabrication
a mask that I've worn
to hide
depressions ugly visage?
have I worn it
so frequently that
I started to recognize it
as my own
reflection?

I don't know who I am anymore
though,
it's not like I ever have

I don't know what life is anymore
I've definitely
never known
what that's been all about

for the past six months,
(year?....)
(two years?...)
(my entire life?...)
I've only had
two states
of emotion-
dark blue
or
gray

dark blue
is when I am inconsolable
with tears
absolute misery
my soul
shattered
into a million pieces

dark blue
is when I have
panic attacks
over how horrible
of a person I am
lying
on my bathroom floor
choking on my own tears
choking on my own breath

gray
is
nothingness
something
horrible could happen to me
a job loss,
a heartbreak,
a loss of a friend
and I will experience
no emotion

like an empty
void
throw whatever the ****
you want in there
I promise you
there will not be any
reaction

gray
with random
and sudden
bursts of blue

not the most
excruciating pain
just the constant
dull
throbbing
of the grayish blue
bruise
that you're always
trying
to cover up

I will
never
go away

Heart to heart connected through our veins.
Fears and everything that plays emotions in exchange for pains and gains.
Emptied heart tanks a refill is needed.
Loneliness creeps in, this shadow of boredom has tremendously succeeded.
Managed to push buttons of a loveless lifestyle.
Tons of words to put together and make you smile.
Welcome to this loveless island of broken hearts.

Trembling voices of our heartbeats.
Our lack of words is too timid our love it supersedes.
This coat of sadness is too cold, I'm remarkably freezing.
Stars and skies fuming with people's love excitement *******, i'm just standing here gazing.
I'm running short of emotions.

My Heart is about to wear the midnight and take it off the next couple of hours of sunset.
I'm bracing myself for a fake celebration of being in love.
We play a role of a couple that fell for love.
The connotations of our story chases away the sleep in me.
For it all boiled down to a sentence with the word I and not we.
Slipped these ideas into some love infested corners of my brain.
They are escaping this free ground I put together, losing their way in this daunting fast lane.