I dive in without checking there's water in
the pool.

i've found
so many ways
to say
i love you.
recently,
i discovered
silence
can be the
loudest
of them all.

Another year will take my hand
Last year left me
Long before December cold
Arctic soul in summertime
2014 is God’s gift to humanity
We weren’t supposed to survive
Past two years ago
We waste away in our victors time
Complacency robs your family
Of love, affection, compliments
And life
On gifted time from the divine
Don’t resolve to do this or that
"Work out three times a week"
"Stop drinking soda"
"Brush my teeth one more time a day"
Do not wait to make your change
Set your life correct today
In the modern society
The right is replaced with the easy
The easy job, the easy life
Step back and look with eyes
Blurred by tears of future regret
That easy never won
A single thing except for
******* misery
Be a hero, it’s in your bones
To save a life, even your own

Every word was a chisel strike
This will be my end

Because I saw
I saw the cracks emerge
Wiry and askew like Death's hands
I saw my pieces fall
Dust was heavy on my back
I saw the hammer strike
Earthquakes of organs that skin can't contain

Then I heard
I heard adoration of a work of art
Created with a master's touch
I heard compliments and praise
The most beautiful things never ask to be seen
I heard words unsaid
Tears and silence are languages we're fluent in, but scared to speak

I always feel like running away
Taking the next flight to anywhere
Because maybe depression is something
That will be confiscated in security
It’s more life threatening than
Any 3 oz. of liquid

You're the only one
who could defeat you
And you do it everyday
Like you've been training
To be the boxer
And you are your only
Punching bag

Your heart has empty corners;
You'll never know I'm there.
I just need a place
to rest my weary bones.

I cost more than
I will ever
be worth.

I cannot repay the price
of knowing me.

Because I am damaged goods.

Sold as-is.

No return; no exchange.

That is why
I often find myself
tossed by the wayside--

Landfill graveyards.

Tonights stars look like bubbles
In a glass of champaign,
Like the world got drunk
On all the dreams we didn't chase

Sometimes,

Hello

can be the most difficult
word
to say.

I want to memorize
The movement of her lips
As if they were a three-word
poem

Give me a halo
And call me an angel
The demons are shouting
To finally let go
I'm still on this ledge
Look out below

I strike a match
Light the fire
Not-
to watch the world burn
Rather-
to finally feel some warmth.

I play in the ashes
Footprints left behind
Not-
to get somewhere important
Rather-
to leave something I'll be remembered by

I say my prayers
Before I sleep
Not-
to get any sort of help
Rather-
to  make the world a better place

What would heaven look like
if you held
it
in your hands?

We can be just like
gravity and water,
Helping each other find
the easiest way to
*happily ever after

i am nothing
more than a messy tourist
don't do more than make
me a couch because despite my words
i will likely not
be staying long
see
i am clumsy
i drop things like your
heart
i scramble to collect the pieces
realize i was never that good
at art
just throw my efforts into the bin
how careless i am
to think that your life is a bin
that it's something i even had permission
to touch
when i come to town and want to stop by
maybe we can go dancing
like streets lights that are slow songs
not even red can make us stop
until you realize
i hitched a ride as soon as my thumb
wasn't wrapped in your hand
let me go.
don't invite me back.
i'll be on the road for a while
telling stories about
midnight memories, chilly museums, the sound of your heart beat
i will say
it sounded like home.
but i was too careless to let her hear the beat of my own

I look to the stars
As if I will make their
Acquaintance
I look to you
As if you weren’t
Bright enough

As the sun comes up
And I say goodbye
To my dreams
Reality reminds me
You’re always with me

I have no expectation for things to last.
Everything has a clock, an expiration date, an erosive half-life.
After taking stock of my current relationships,
I realized I'm hesitant to invest in people
because I don't think people will stick around.

People change.
People leave.

And for people who don't deal with change well
like me
that means
a sort of implosion.
Humans constantly assume different roles.

Mothers become grandmothers,
friends become strangers,
brothers become fathers.

With that, even family will leave you behind--
out of sight out of mind.
And I haven't been thought of in such a long time
I begin to think
no one will ever see me again.
Now I'm just wishing I can be useful in some way, so I can stop feeling like the world is tired of carrying me.

I sit,
watching people pass by as their world changes,
and mine falls apart.

I am living in the ruins
of a
broken heart

I don't know how to accept compliments
Like I don't know how to load a gun
And I'm afraid to learn because
I've never wanted to **** myself for trying to learn something new

Do not recoil when I forget how to hug
Because I've never wanted to escape something so badly that felt like home

Nomads can only remember what home means
When they taste it in freshly baked bread
And when you don't have to knock to come in
I have been knocking on vacant doors
And my knuckles didn't offer their blood in exchange for your absence

I do not know how to ask for help
Like I know how to load of gun
Because I guess a little practice is all it takes
And I could only focus on one thing at a time

I curse you
In all majesty
I curse the beat of angel wings
Float away from troubled days
Harp harmony soundtracks
I curse the demons
Un-caged and free
Purposefully torment me
I curse the sky
The sun and stars
The constant reminders of just how far
I’ve drifted from home
Rootless wanderer
Nomad without the right stride
I curse the ground
Final barrier between figurative
And physical hell
I curse the curses
I rely on all the wrong things
I curse myself
Faithless and stupid
Unwanted and lost
Looking for roots that look like
Home
Propelled by insanity
I call it faith

If I could be your world, I would let your travel all over me.
We could visit galaxies, or simply look at stars.
If you could be my creature, I would fill your needs.
You would rule the world, and all my sights to see.
I'll bring you air, the sun and skies - to see a little clearer.
And an off-white moon to see your smile shine.
If I could be your world, I would be your everything.

What is lost in the fire
will be found in the ashes
If I am willing to endure
this inevitable rebirth

Amazing how great
the
p  i  e  c  e  s
of a
b  r  o  k  e  n
heart weigh

Do not be afraid of your bad days.
They can be shadows if you let them
Or just an umbrella that you can throw away to see the sun
The bad days will always come
Sometimes, one right after another.
Time will pass regardless of your attitude.
Every day will end.
So let them pass, seeing you with a smile on your face.
Let the people around you bring out your best self.
You might be tempted to hate.
Do not hate.
Be creative and explore.
If you can't explore the earth, explore yourself
And develop yourself.
Do not be afraid to be different and be unique.
There is no mold you must fit in to
If you find you do, you probably need to change something.
God made you differently from any other human.
Embrace bad days
Make the most of them

Between
“Once upon a time”
And
“Happily ever after”
There’s a perfect adventure
You took for granted

We're all scared
of the same **** things
Of hurt and heartbreak
Love and longing
and losing it all
I fear your heart
As much as mine
A Ferris wheel I didn't want to ride
Sugar turned bitter
Like honey on the tongue of a bear
I fear touch because loving hands
Still swing ****** swords
My hopes are fallen
Like Zeus and gods
We fear life as if death were consequent for wrong answers
Instead of tomorrow
Meadows with flowers refusing to bloom
For ungrateful senses
If we can't see the pain
Failing to hide behind eyes
Then clouds will combine
Sun will forget the smell of earth
And sons won't look to fathers
Because belts aren't better
Than disappointing expectations
We all fear
Fear loves us
everyone
But I am someone
Even amongst everyone

"Life will always gets better."

Seems I've been waiting forever.

and the trees wonder
why
we have
such restless legs

Please look at me
Like you never
Want to blink again
Because I need to know
I’m worth paying
Attention to

see these ivory bones?
they were erected like tombstones
infant hope from moon light
don't be scared of the memories
i left them behind
i hope you will remember me
a skeletal dot in history
the human mark is a body
once larger than life
now resting lifeless
leaving more than ivory bones

she laughs
like a chandelier
that could outshine the
sun

My life is a monologue--
No one auditioned for the play
Here I am fumbling,
Forgetting what to say

It has been a rough ride. Life turns so quickly, I still feel sea legs and motion sickness.
There's a saying, "A year ago I never would have imagined I'd be where I am today."
I think that's true.
I also think humans are ****** life planners.

I hope my presence wasn't too overbearing. Often, people made me feel like my physical presence, audible words, and oxygen consumption were inherently pretentious of me.
I never thought people thought much of me.
Those of you who voiced your love, it made all the difference.

Perfection was never within my reach.
My failures are too numerous to count; some too humiliating to admit.
But I tried.
Please understand my imperfection, and if forgiveness is requisite, I hope you can.
Forgiveness is a noble strength; be stronger than I was.

I know that God is real, and loves us.
I guess I need Him to tell me personally. Right now love feels like ash, and humanity is the flame.
This isn't the end of me. I want to belong somewhere.

Don't ask, "Why did he go?"
Rather, "Why didn't he feel like he could stay?"


G

We are simple raindrops
Swinging in the storm
And for a single moment
The fall isn’t bad at all

Thunder cracks
Resurrects our hearts from
An early grave
And we smile louder than
The universe

Lightning arrives
It makes the nighttime
Come alive
Suddenly we realize
The darkness will never win

We are simple raindrops
Swinging in the storm
As though this could start
Something more beautiful

We go through H E L L (life)
To get to H E A V E N *(death)

It only takes
a
pinprick
to shatter
your entire heart.

My heart is a tomb I sealed with a stone
I am patiently waiting for resurrection
But the last year has been the longest three days of my life
As I keep waiting for heaven I can't stop thinking of hell
And wonder, if this wasn't like when Lucifer fell
He left the presence of God with his plan in hand
Thinking, "if only they'd understand"
Now he lurks in my mind
hiding in shadows
My candle-lit lanterns aren't bright enough to expel all of my doubts
So I bare before congregations the shouts of my belief
Like I believe i'm worth all the effort of this plan
Like God's arm doesn't tire from always extending his hand
Like there's something better than a sealed-tomb heart
On the morning of resurrection I wonder what I'll see
I wonder what I'll be
Because being me feels like darkness grew legs
I've been walking around casting shadows, mixing white and black
On a paint palate and leaving the world grey
I've nothing of value to say
so the world is a little more bleak
People are tired of my grey streak across their life portraits
Of goals and dreams and even accepted realities
Like they stopped praying to God for a miracle because those don't fit in routine
Being average doesn't cost as much effort
But I'm willing to pay
Even if I have to scrape and save every penny of self-praise
I will give it all I've got, I've got time
Because my heart is a tomb waiting for resurrection
And I'm sure any cost will be worth perfection

No one has told me
I should feel anything but
worthless

I used to think I
Simply had to try harder
Now it's too hard
To try at all

One day I was happy
The next I was sad
The day after I was gone

Certain people have come to understand
That they have a soul
Don’t write me off because I’m a ginger
I still know what I’m talking about
That’s why words are important to me
If you read what someone wrote
You are reading what their soul would say
If it had any other way
So when I came across your Story
I fell in love
Your soul was written for me to read
I read everything
Twice
And then a third
Interrupted by pictures and songs
That only added to my amazement
I love you and I know you
I have never seen you or met you
Your taste in music lets me know
Your cooking would always have the right amount of salt
Taking you on a date that isn’t trying
To prove anything more than
“I like you and want to make you happy,”
Is something I will suffer through in my dreams
I like that you are intelligent
A well-spoken soul who has read a book or two
You know what you want to do
And what you might fall back on
Without defeating other people’s dreams
I would be willing to share mine with you
And I hoped you could take my dreams
Tie them to the clouds and
Be brave enough to come along for the ride
The corners of your eyes tell me enough
Of the doubt you have in promises and good intentions
Your written soul proclaims the faith
To trust again and risk everything
Because sometimes you don’t know you know until
You know you never knew
So know that I know that I never knew until
I came across you
I don’t drive trucks, but I will cook for you
And give you book suggestions
I would fit my heart into a picnic basket
Set us down in fresh-cut grass on a quilted blanket
I would see the world as the sun reflected in your eyes
And I might even get a chance to see
What you might see in me
Probably a little awkward, I would lead us through conversations
Of family and friends – and how we don’t talk to some of the people we love the most
We all have people we should move to speed dial to make it easier
When the breeze picks up, take my jacket
I would ask you about your life and the scars you have
So I can know
In perfect detail
Why your soul set mine alive

We texted back and forth about how fine things were
Silent calls for help for the hell
We were wanderers
I said things like, “What does sadness sound like?”
To which she replied, “It sounds like me”
We had each other in voiceless thoughts
That were gathered in the energy of eternity
I hope she’ll find the hope she gave
On hopeless days
When it was all planned to end
I hope to see the words she prayed
Tattooed across my chest reminding me:
I was never alone
Hearts that yearned for the other’s joy
We continued to walk through hell
Unknowingly side by side

I’m sorry, Mother, for being something of a failure
And all the broken things
When I was a kid, I was angry
I kicked walls and dropped the dishes
I blamed it on slippery hands

Also, I’m sorry about the lies

I’m sorry I’m not a hero
Or brave

I couldn’t solve the problems of our family;
I tried
But I suppose passive-aggression
Isn’t the best form of problem solving

I am sorry
That your life is different than you planned
Even though it’s good now
I’m sorry I have nothing to do with that good
That you’re OK without me
You’re a better grandmother than I am a son

I am sorry that
You’re happier than I’ve ever seen you
And I hardly ever see you
Anymore

All the Help I Almost Asked For
Step More Than Jump
A Height High Enough
Building Bombshell Honesty
Brother What's Your Name
Last Child, First Regret
More Ever More
I've Been Gone a Long While
Mentally Mapping the Unimaginable

She makes perfection
feel like
it needs
to keep trying.

I was walking the streets of Amsterdam
Trying to figure out the type of man that I am
The red lights filling the black night
My heart was torn between the sultry things
And the hope of stability
A life without despair or fear
Unsettled and unfilled I went looking for thrills

I wandered on

Braving the cold Icelandic seas
I was diving into the depths of me
Finding the treasures I’ve buried deep
Hoping to find what everyone says they see
Because I’m tired of mirrors trying to flee
No evidence that I have an ounce of worth
I set out to find my place on earth

I wandered on

Serving to clean the streets of Brazil
How could I give to earn my fill
I fell in love with every person I met
Drinking tea on summer days
Like the world wasn’t as bad as they say
I paid for heaven with sweat and faith
Instead of indebting my life to death

I wandered on

I saw England, I saw France
After sinning we agreed to dance
To pretend were weren’t broken sculptures
Thrown across the floor
We kept each other begging for more
Good day my love, avoir my friend

I wandered on

I found my end
In heaven I reflect on my wandering heart
How it nearly tore my soul apart
I sought for peace and chased my love
God has taught me to look within
Find a fiber of faith to begin
Now look around and find your friends
You’re the answer to their tearful prayers
Be the one to show you care
Don’t wander past your current place
Until you’ve extended your hand of grace

I’ve wandered on

They called it weakness
You called it ashes
Regardless from
Where you came
You were born into
This strength

I live inside thundering skies
Disguised by silence in my eyes
So walk with me through summer fields
You’ll never know the things I feel
Protect yourself and run away
But in the storm I stay
I stay until the end
To know where my heart begins
The darkness here is too great to bear
This life is anything but fair
So leave me behind and let me go

"Happiness is a decision"
Is something I hear people say often
"Happiness is a decision"
Please tell that to my depression
Tell Depression that I never invited her over
We are a blind date ambush I didn’t agree to
My friend Anxiety set us up because we would make a good match
"Happiness is a choice"
Please tell that to my insomnia
Full of conversation pieces that only serve to resist the edge of sleep
My insomnia has become acquainted with depression
And neither care for happiness
They would rather talk about my lonliness
As if it weren’t in the room
But my lonely is always around as the friend I know best of all
Because I don’t make friends very easily
I am an awkward introvert
When I learn what people think of me
I cant help but hurt
There are high expectations I know I’ll never live up to
Even my mother has moved on to grandkids who still have time
To not disappoint her
"Happiness is a choice"
Please tell that to my face
I will try to believe you
My cohort of friends inside my head
Will likely disagree

I am not a Phoenix waiting for rebirth
I am a silly boy dressed in feathers
thinking that Mardi Gras could bring me joy
I am not trying to disguise a part of me
I am trying to become something new entirely