I have all my stories left to tell
But I may not make it
I'm pleading with God's angels
To pull me from this hell

Give me a halo
And call me an angel
The demons are shouting
To finally let go
I'm still on this ledge
Look out below

It's humbling to realize
How quickly
How often
How easily
We are forgotten.

All the Help I Almost Asked For
Step More Than Jump
A Height High Enough
Building Bombshell Honesty
Brother What's Your Name
Last Child, First Regret
More Ever More
I've Been Gone a Long While
Mentally Mapping the Unimaginable

i've found
so many ways
to say
i love you.
recently,
i discovered
silence
can be the
loudest
of them all.

We texted back and forth about how fine things were
Silent calls for help for the hell
We were wanderers
I said things like, “What does sadness sound like?”
To which she replied, “It sounds like me”
We had each other in voiceless thoughts
That were gathered in the energy of eternity
I hope she’ll find the hope she gave
On hopeless days
When it was all planned to end
I hope to see the words she prayed
Tattooed across my chest reminding me:
I was never alone
Hearts that yearned for the other’s joy
We continued to walk through hell
Unknowingly side by side

"I am not depressed."
Lie.
It is easier to say,
I still don’t believe myself.
What can I say?
I’m a liar.

I live inside thundering skies
Disguised by silence in my eyes
So walk with me through summer fields
You’ll never know the things I feel
Protect yourself and run away
But in the storm I stay
I stay until the end
To know where my heart begins
The darkness here is too great to bear
This life is anything but fair
So leave me behind and let me go

I'll show you we had a spark
Even if I have to burn us down

“Hell…”
You didn’t let me finish my greeting
But I suppose I’m a prophet
Because I described how I’m now feeling

she laughs
like a chandelier
that could outshine the
sun

My heart is a tomb I sealed with a stone
I am patiently waiting for resurrection
But the last year has been the longest three days of my life
As I keep waiting for heaven I can't stop thinking of hell
And wonder, if this wasn't like when Lucifer fell
He left the presence of God with his plan in hand
Thinking, "if only they'd understand"
Now he lurks in my mind
hiding in shadows
My candle-lit lanterns aren't bright enough to expel all of my doubts
So I bare before congregations the shouts of my belief
Like I believe i'm worth all the effort of this plan
Like God's arm doesn't tire from always extending his hand
Like there's something better than a sealed-tomb heart
On the morning of resurrection I wonder what I'll see
I wonder what I'll be
Because being me feels like darkness grew legs
I've been walking around casting shadows, mixing white and black
On a paint palate and leaving the world grey
I've nothing of value to say
so the world is a little more bleak
People are tired of my grey streak across their life portraits
Of goals and dreams and even accepted realities
Like they stopped praying to God for a miracle because those don't fit in routine
Being average doesn't cost as much effort
But I'm willing to pay
Even if I have to scrape and save every penny of self-praise
I will give it all I've got, I've got time
Because my heart is a tomb waiting for resurrection
And I'm sure any cost will be worth perfection

1.     I really tried
2. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough
3. Why did I always think everything was about me?
4. You were my angel
5. My demons were too strong
6. I never look people in the eyes because I'm afraid they'll see through my windows and see that there's not light inside
They'll see my secret pain
The monsters gain
Persuasion in the argument
If I should live or die
7. The mask wasn’t supposed to stay on forever but people seemed to like it better than my sadness and sadness doesn’t always cooperate with my plans. Like sometimes sadness just wants to stretch his legs across my face leaving traces that look like tired eyes and furrowed brows. Sadness, like water, will take the path of least resistance from the world to heart and back. Self-endulgend, sadness begs for hosts without every bothering to host the party because sadness doesn’t mind if he overstays his welcome.
8. I was 17 when he died, it has been eight years
9. If I can't win the fight to stay
If I lose and go my way
I have to believe things will be OK
Because your grief won't come
From the fact that I am gone
Maybe you'll think about what
We could have done to better get along
10. You won’t often think of me
So let me go, let me be free
Your mind is the sun
Confidence and clean
11. My mind is a terror
That doesn't deal in dream
In years to come, perhaps
You think of us
A memory we shared
12. I wish I let you in and feel a connection
Isolationist tendencies are decidedly not the best strategy
So my island is a prison
Not a blessed reclusion from the judgments of my mental illness
I'm simply in denial to any sickness at all

I always feel like running away
Taking the next flight to anywhere
Because maybe depression is something
That will be confiscated in security
It’s more life threatening than
Any 3 oz. of liquid

i am a flat line drum line
begging for a beat to feel alive
silence makes me lose rhythm
i must endure myself to survive

I felt
like I had to be cautious
Because the crunch of every footstep
Was going to wake a sleeping giant
Kind of like when I coughed all night
As a kid
Mother was going to have to take care of me
From dusk till dawn
Sometimes people are worth more than sleep
I felt
Like that wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen
It’s been so long since I felt the embrace
Of someone who really wanted to be there
I felt
Like I was finally home
The snow was a blanket that wasn’t cold
And I gratefully snuggled in
The sun was my brother
Showing me a better way
Out of the darkness
I felt
At peace in a torrential world
All of my pieces could finally find a place
I could fit them together
In way that doesn’t make me second guess
Everything I see in the mirror
I felt
I could finally figure out how to be on my own
Like being on my own wasn’t so bad
Because I didn’t feel alone
Despite no having anyone around
I felt
It’s possible to find a purpose
Even without a home, without family or friend
I felt
I could find a purpose that came from within
I felt
Something
That changed everything
Because it’s been so long
Since I felt
Anything
At all

I was just standing there
Feeling the way the earth moved
I thought we were dancing
The earth was spinning
Without noticing my desperation

"Happiness is a decision"
Is something I hear people say often
"Happiness is a decision"
Please tell that to my depression
Tell Depression that I never invited her over
We are a blind date ambush I didn’t agree to
My friend Anxiety set us up because we would make a good match
"Happiness is a choice"
Please tell that to my insomnia
Full of conversation pieces that only serve to resist the edge of sleep
My insomnia has become acquainted with depression
And neither care for happiness
They would rather talk about my lonliness
As if it weren’t in the room
But my lonely is always around as the friend I know best of all
Because I don’t make friends very easily
I am an awkward introvert
When I learn what people think of me
I cant help but hurt
There are high expectations I know I’ll never live up to
Even my mother has moved on to grandkids who still have time
To not disappoint her
"Happiness is a choice"
Please tell that to my face
I will try to believe you
My cohort of friends inside my head
Will likely disagree

I feel like I will break your heart
Despite my best efforts
Because my best is often not enough
For people I like

From day to day I might not change
Despite your best efforts
Because your best is often not enough
For someone like me

My body is hollowed from the outside
My soul is spilling out
Soon I’ll only be a rusty tap
Drip drip drip drip
I am your repetition

Please protect yourself
If you’re going to love me
It will be a war
From which we won't return

This shell-shock attitude;
I am broken
A veteran trying to make sense of
Warless times

The nightmares illuminate my dreams
I lose sleep staring at eyes
I will never see

Here is your warning:
I love you.
Here is your death sentence:
You love me too.

It wasn’t the time
To start dropping lines
About love and forever
So I hung “I love you”
In my closet
Next to the skeleton
Who’s been begging
To see the sunlight
Sometimes we let our hearts
Act as a vault instead of
A home
We lock things away
Trying to protect them and
Keep them safe
But ultimately
Everything dies
Emotions fade because
Even though we say “forever”
Forever has a way
Of changing people
Cursed be the man who isn’t
Changed by time and experience
So locked away in my heart
“I love you” began to decay
soon it’ll be another skeleton
I’m afraid will come tumbling out
So instead of saying anything
I’ll give you the combination to my vault
And hopefully you like what you find
Like maybe it reminds you of treasure
Something you will want to keep
Instead of selling it so you have enough change
To wash your ***** sheets

see these ivory bones?
they were erected like tombstones
infant hope from moon light
don't be scared of the memories
i left them behind
i hope you will remember me
a skeletal dot in history
the human mark is a body
once larger than life
now resting lifeless
leaving more than ivory bones

My heart is a home
And I gave you a key
You thought it was a hotel
And left after one week

and the trees wonder
why
we have
such restless legs

Your heart has empty corners;
You'll never know I'm there.
I just need a place
to rest my weary bones.

When he runs his hands together
It sounds like sandpaper
Waiting to shape raw wood
They're rough because life isn't always easy
But hard work makes it worth it

Because cost and value don't measure success
If he had nothing to own, he wouldn't be worth any less

On Saturdays, we watched the History Channel and ate donuts with forks
Sometimes my grandfather would tell me his tales

I learned about cooking
Always season it well and prepare a bit more
Because there's no telling who'll show up at your door

I learned about fire
Like life, it's relentless, but you always fight back

I learned about chivalry
It may be asleep, but it'll never die
Because opening doors, compliments, and hand-written notes can keep love alive

And I owe me to him
I am a man because he led my way
He brought me out of darkness
Without ever knowing he was the light

We built model airplanes from Balsa wood
And classic cars from plastic;
Our dreams are simply disassembled pieces
There's no rules or instruction
We can build whatever we want

No one has told me
I should feel anything but
worthless

I used to think I
Simply had to try harder
Now it's too hard
To try at all

One day I was happy
The next I was sad
The day after I was gone

I curse you
In all majesty
I curse the beat of angel wings
Float away from troubled days
Harp harmony soundtracks
I curse the demons
Un-caged and free
Purposefully torment me
I curse the sky
The sun and stars
The constant reminders of just how far
I’ve drifted from home
Rootless wanderer
Nomad without the right stride
I curse the ground
Final barrier between figurative
And physical hell
I curse the curses
I rely on all the wrong things
I curse myself
Faithless and stupid
Unwanted and lost
Looking for roots that look like
Home
Propelled by insanity
I call it faith

Between
“Once upon a time”
And
“Happily ever after”
There’s a perfect adventure
You took for granted

Sometimes depression looks like you
Depression can look like me
it can also look like nothing
Depression is not something you see

She makes perfection
feel like
it needs
to keep trying.

It's a rugged terrain that would roughly be translated
survivor.
The vast mountains make the trees feel weak because they don't grow very high.
No one blames them.
The ground and snow are intimate and unashamed. They called in sick because today wanted to be a memory.
The cottages and home protect the defendants of Vikings and barbaric voyagers.
These towns are clean and safe.
This island is hostile, but welcoming.
Our visit is not a burden because Mother Nature has been ripping herself apart
to embrace us
like family.

We're all scared
of the same **** things
Of hurt and heartbreak
Love and longing
and losing it all
I fear your heart
As much as mine
A Ferris wheel I didn't want to ride
Sugar turned bitter
Like honey on the tongue of a bear
I fear touch because loving hands
Still swing ****** swords
My hopes are fallen
Like Zeus and gods
We fear life as if death were consequent for wrong answers
Instead of tomorrow
Meadows with flowers refusing to bloom
For ungrateful senses
If we can't see the pain
Failing to hide behind eyes
Then clouds will combine
Sun will forget the smell of earth
And sons won't look to fathers
Because belts aren't better
Than disappointing expectations
We all fear
Fear loves us
everyone
But I am someone
Even amongst everyone

My friend is gone
We’ve gone our ways
So here’s a toast
For better days

I see your face
From time to time
Your heart beats loud
Along with mine

But I walk alone
Because life moves fast
Each day is gold
It won’t last

Enjoy the place
And people too
In the end
They’ll get you through

In this life
Or in the next
God, I know
Will give us rest

When I’m gone, please
Speak well of me

Please look at me
Like you never
Want to blink again
Because I need to know
I’m worth paying
Attention to

It has been a rough ride. Life turns so quickly, I still feel sea legs and motion sickness.
There's a saying, "A year ago I never would have imagined I'd be where I am today."
I think that's true.
I also think humans are ****** life planners.

I hope my presence wasn't too overbearing. Often, people made me feel like my physical presence, audible words, and oxygen consumption were inherently pretentious of me.
I never thought people thought much of me.
Those of you who voiced your love, it made all the difference.

Perfection was never within my reach.
My failures are too numerous to count; some too humiliating to admit.
But I tried.
Please understand my imperfection, and if forgiveness is requisite, I hope you can.
Forgiveness is a noble strength; be stronger than I was.

I know that God is real, and loves us.
I guess I need Him to tell me personally. Right now love feels like ash, and humanity is the flame.
This isn't the end of me. I want to belong somewhere.

Don't ask, "Why did he go?"
Rather, "Why didn't he feel like he could stay?"


G

I crave silence when you speak to me
Words are typically weapons
And I’m not used to compliments
Your company is desperately unfulfilling

Hiding is so much easier than
Feeling warm embraces
I’m anxious your arms are chains
Your heart is a fire

I’m a witch on trial
For unproven crimes
That only I’ve seen
Only I know what lurks
Behind my restless eyes

Doubts and fears that repel
Those like yourself
Strength can be seen
In someone unwilling
To give up on someone
Who already gave up
On
Himself

Speak strong and hug hard
Because the silence and chains
Are all I’ve known
Please prove me wrong
Or end me quickly

She said, "I can't swim"
With a voice so confident
The ocean believes
They're still best friends.

I arrived at your house this morning, and snuck through the front door.
You father didn't hear and your mother didn't see.
The steep stairs creaked as we followed our quick-moving feet.
In secret nooks that look like your mind, we whispered secrets that could have changed the world;
Your mind is brighter than the dim fluorescent lights.
It makes me feel more human to hear what your heart and mind have agreed upon.
Mostly the world needs more compassion, to allow people to be more than what they're labeled.
You may be a Jew, but you're also a human.
I may be a man, but I'm also a human.
Every human has this in common.
When I saw your room, I lost the fight with my tears.
Your ambition and hope suffered for years.
And so, Anne Frank, I will remember you.
Humans are more than strangers, and freedom is more than living.
I won't take either for granted.

The dinner table is crowded.
There are bowls of gravy, potatoes and greens -
Plates of meat and stuffing...
Don’t worry it gets better.
Juice and cider instead of wine.
Clean crystal cups and thick napkins,
All trimmed in blue.
Surrounded by loud elephants
Dancing on the words we don’t say.
The elephants slip on peas,
And sip my drink.
My relatives give glances
Instead of embrace.
The conversation gets heavy
As our stomachs get full.
The dinner table is a stage
Instead of a refuge.
We all wear our masks and pretend we’re OK.
The actors are well paid in self-loathing,
And pain;
Solitude.
Relationships that don’t fit into pockets
Because our phones are too important.
We are broken and shattered,
Unwilling to be fixed.
The elephants dance in gravy,
And pretend it’s a bath.

Every word was a chisel strike
This will be my end

Because I saw
I saw the cracks emerge
Wiry and askew like Death's hands
I saw my pieces fall
Dust was heavy on my back
I saw the hammer strike
Earthquakes of organs that skin can't contain

Then I heard
I heard adoration of a work of art
Created with a master's touch
I heard compliments and praise
The most beautiful things never ask to be seen
I heard words unsaid
Tears and silence are languages we're fluent in, but scared to speak

I'm a lump of coal
Looking for a diamond
Who remembers what it's like
To not believe in yourself;
Who's willing to wait for me
To finally show what I'm worth

She's the kind of beautiful that pictures aren't honest about
Because some images are worth endless words

If you are uncomfortable when you look in the mirror,
keep in mind:
We spent thousands of years
trying to convince the earth
she was flat.

We wrote her maps as evidence of the things we saw;
and she believed them.
She cried tsunamis, and had earthquake breakdowns.

Keep in mind: the Sun never gave up hope.
The earth will keep spinning and breathing
the star-dusty space void of encouragement.

Next time you look in the mirror
and second-guess your potential divinity,
remember you will keep shining and living.

Because the Sun is out there
believing in you,
compensating for lack of the human capacity
to treat each other empathically.

You don’t need proof or approval
to be exactly what you are;
Eventually everyone will see
your infinite beauty.

"I love you,"
One:
You are the first person to ever say that to me
The grass felt soft and the air warm
We couldn't stop laughing

"I love you,"
Two:
I'm a bit more skeptical because words aren't actions
And you're actions are yelling another story; it sounds more like a tragedy than a comedy.

Three:
Someone told me they loved me before, but hadn't thought about what it means. I trust you are most selective with my feelings. (A candle-lit dinner means more than artificial light.)

"I _ _ _ _ you,"
Four:
We say "love" as often as "hate;" they can be equally destructive.

Five:
I'm alone. I can love myself.

"I love you,"
Six:
This time I said it first. That was a mistake. You are only skin deep. You couldn't understand anything more than perfume and mascara. It makes all the difference if you break or are broken.

Seven:
We are collapsing buildings, screaming it one last time before we accept we never had a chance. If we had been trees we could have swayed in the breeze.

Eight:
I am alone.

"I love,"
Nine:
My love is for someone else, not for myself.

Ten:
I'm very cautious when someone says, "I love you." I've heard it before. I have only seen it through squinting eyes.
When it's honest, I hope I know how to care for it properly.

If you are going to shine in this world,
it is essential to know:

You will cast shadows.

People will hate you for
the darkness,
instead of praising you
for clarity.

I can shout it because I’m pitiful,
But I’ll whisper it because I'm weak.
It’s the only thing light enough to say.
And I’m sorry saying sorry
Won’t change a **** thing!

Death doesn’t care how much we cry.
Even if we swear to change,
To cork the *****,
Or
Come home on time,
Death will carry on as usual.
Without skipping a beating heart

I mistook her eyes
For birthday candles
And when she whispered
Hello
My wish came true

If my life is just
The dream of some god
I hope he remembers
            me
When he wakes up