Sorry. I fell back into
decay.
All silence hides its meaning
Words would fail,
If you knew them.
Your hand will slip from mine.
Boredom will excuse you.
As will I.
Under sapped skies
I watched them leave,
Each more precious than
The last.
I'm never going back.
They made their peace
By lying through their teeth.
Roses in the hospital,
Promises only last so long.

There is another world
Found in sleep
Buried
A godless avenue
Beyond temptation.
Conjured past,
A loveless future
Stalking dread.
It's logic undefined
Your soft chaos sings to me.
Every hereafter
A new world.
Take refuge in the nightmares
Don't let me wake up.

The life I knew
Was no great wonder
No endless sunsets,
No dreams made flesh.
No great plans
Newborns. Sweet infants
Or expectations.
I was just a rotten
Soul
            lost to dark banks
Night skies.
Raw young kisses
Idiot lust
With no tomorrow.

It wasn't much.
Just enough to miss.

it goes
nowhere

this anger with no .
Compass.
So it sinks
into my gut.
Never digested,
Just a festering pain
Stored with
all the rest.
Cut into tributaries
Crimson with purpose.
The streams
they burn and flow.

This bed is like a coffin
With a burial each night.
I could tell you where
it all went wrong
But it wouldn't make it right.
I'm never worth
Remembering
You each showed me that.
With your pretentious self obsession
Words that always fell flat.
Each day is long and empty.
I cannot find my way,
So forgive me
Graciously
While I slowly fade away.

You see love.
You see kindness.
A version distorted
Through wondrous eyes.
Is it false representation
Or a temporary form?
What you see
won't keep you warm.
Keep looking and you will see,
The ugly horror inside me.

through streets like open sores
I'm here.
hissing chatter
Invading my skull,
creeps down my spine.
pressure building.
it's all in your head.
You are the only one here,
feeling like this.
I'm outside, standing in the street —
Sun on tired eyes.
worms pushing
under my skin.
9am.
the doors are open.
Your appointment,
try not to cry.
But they don't understand,
you look human.
"Don't you want to work?"
"What do you enjoy doing?"
no. good.
let me bite     my ****** misery
and pour it
                 down  
      your throat.

A fraction of joy,
think of me
As if
there were something to miss.
Bury flowers in my heart
So beauty

could take hold.
I remember
the look on your face —
So serious.
As if some treacherous
harm,
Were inflicted.
Let me wish
For no more,
As wishes
Are the death of
Rational thought.

I hope Death is like the sea,
Vast, endless.
So I can float on
Raging waves.
No land in sight,
Just
Magnificent,
Infinite
glory.
And we are
Never afraid.

the steps I took
to hide myself, in caves
in darkest woods.
Here lies the long forgotten
Wolf.

I saw roses in bloom
Yet only remember the thorns.

My words are wearing thin.
Each night, I write
Only to leave nothing
Behind.
*Erase the past,
Remove the future.

Each day fades to nothing,
No matter the lies
I tell myself.
The hardest words to say,
So easily ignored.
Trying to exist
For the only reason
that should matter,
The urge to live.
Shouldn't I feel that?
Shouldn't I breathe
And swim in glory (if only rarely)?
Instead, I cannot keep the night at bay —
The darkness without question,
The Underworld.
Tell me there's something else.
Let me feel again.
Some sweetness, Forgiveness.
Pleasure, Passion.
Truth. With new eyes.

I remember sunlight
On my skin,
I remember feeling I was alive.
I remember your
Warm engulfing touch.
I remember feeling less alone.
I knew these
Moments would be gone.
I knew that I'd be
Swallowed whole.
It was always
A dream, within a dream.
A precognitive unreality.
The good times —
Just a sham. Giving way
To my true damnation.
It's all just a joke.
A sweetly whispered torment,
A loveless Siren song.

I loved so much
I became just a husk
Drained of all the goodness
within.
Though my heart is intact
Every facet it lacks
May as well
Be hung on a hook.

Oh **** your heart!
It didn't care at all.
You left me in
The gutter
But couldn't stand to watch
                                          me fall.
The words we shared
Were meaningless.
All truths
Are null and void.
I guess it didn't matter,
You weren't the one being destroyed.
So run!
And call it mercy
If it helps you sleep at night —
You can rename an atrocity
But it'll never make it right.

I used to think
It was cruel
I was left like this,
That a lover should hear my plea.
But
I've changed my mind
Over some time.
No woman should ever
Settle for me.
I was a vital young man,
A wild stag
Unbound.
time changes everybody.
Now I'm bitter. I'm weak.
A heartless freak,
No woman should ever
Settle for me.
Think of your Beauty,
Think of your worth
"True Love" shouldn't be charity.
All I'd show you is woe
It's best that you know —
No woman should ever
Settle for me.
Save your kisses,
Your words.
All the effort you spend
I mean that
Affectionately.
Go chase your dreams!
As I fall apart at the seams.
No woman should ever
Settle for me.

From far beyond
I fought against the waves
Pushing for years
Against this ugly tide,
Only to be left a corpse
Bobbing uncontrollably
Without will or whim,
My lungs filled with brine
Dragging me to depths unknown.
I see not a solitary soul
Down here, amongst these
darkened fathoms.
Not even the stars — so bright,
Can reach me now.
Sinking into my own
Silent universe.
Was it better to have known company,
Only to feel its loss?
Years now.
Tens of years.
Maybe I was always alone,
Just a shadow walking human shores.
A dream that lost track,
A foolish daydream.
Now I am home
Hidden from everything —
Swallowed by nothing.

Cracks appear in skin
Lines swallowing light
As the years bleed
                    Into nothing.
No love will tend these
Wounds. This damage is
irreversible.
No balm will show me
mercy.
These fissures yield no blood,
No illustration of pain.
This is my final
Transmutation.
From stone — into dust.

I hid you under layers
Bright lies I told myself
In order to forget.
The words you sent
Once catalogued & treasured
Stopped my progress
Or the days that passed.
My eyes closed
Trying to unthink you —
A ghost in the attic,
The pain I can't be without.
I erased emails.
Messages.
Phone numbers.
My heart. My soul.
Yet you still remain.

My heart ran cold
When you talked about visiting.
Happiness, reality.
I choked
Realising that I couldn't
Give you a thing.
To act human,
To show warmth. To be natural.
To smile, act confident —
I have forgotten how.
Upon loving you,
I could only disappoint.

My actions have a name —
Social Suicide
A cannibalistic act.
Burrowing deep
into the earth
Where the dead lay twitching.
Unhook myself from the past,
The people I knew,
Counted as friends.
They never grieved my loss,
Superficial love kills quickly.
Ain't it funny?
Can't sleep anymore,
I just wander in the dark
Till morn.
The moon and stars
Looking down,
they won't miss me either.

I'm vexed to stay
waking up
With a head full of holes.
Each day repeats its
Punishment
For things I can't recall.
Sleep till midday,
Curse the days wide expanse.
Scrape words from my skull,
Chop meat from my bones,
Sew my mouth shut.
Still it's not enough.
Trying to reach you
But there's no forgiveness
for this clumsy emotion.
I'm a cold fish,
Or loving beyond control.
Hold me, generously
Undo my buttons —
                  talk *****.
Lose control and find me.
I was something once.

Judge me in that final moment
I deserve my childish fate
Stick in pins and I won't feel it,
Purgatory won't have to wait.
I've been there all the time we've talked,
I called you from its darkest bank.
You didn't know my disposition,
Drowning, further still I sank.
It's okay to doubt my heart —
A piteous thing with little nerve.
It blisters in the fire, it sickens,
Your scorn is all that I deserve.
So take care and walk away,
I hope good fortune finds you soon.
Leave me with my tilted mind,
Howling underneath the moon.

I stopped trying
To give away this love
A love that never fits
I was not born into
this world
Just cast away from it
These compulsions
that I fight
Show a life I cannot lead
Every word I utter
Will my heart impede
The pieces that are falling
Will tumble til I cease
Hidden now in shadow
Waiting for that final peace.

I can't help myself.
Without effort
I will take it all to pieces.       I'll show
you
Black ruin.  The misery that picks
clean my.   bones.
Self—destruction,
My whispered mantra
I will not be happy.
I will not be happy.
It's a divine sickness
Undenied. My ugliness
Is my shame.
Let me show you
The nothing I'm capable of.
Crawl towards the edge.
Step. Off.
Smile.

In the care of warmth
I lost the tarnished nature
jagged spittle
Black snakes writhing
The Doom ov virtue
This care wears me down
Softening the edges of
My brittle soul.
Chasing affection like a child,
Weakened by a state of want.
I am not this
Just a form that flows —
Adrift on chaos limb.

It's your birthday
Though I should resist
Wishing you well.
It's been over a year
Since we talked,
I stayed away
That was my gift.
So you moved on —
I tried to forget.
It was all "for the best"
But my heart bleeds regret
And I fail the test.

You made it clear
               with so few words
That it really didn't matter
Anyway.
Just words and nothing
more.
No more expectation.
No more truth
unpurchased. No deadly potential.
Nothing more than
       the weight of dreams.

Your flowery words
Mean nothing
in this circus of mutual
Worship.
A weak trade of ego
That leaves this storm of words
Redundant.
Speak with pain
Speak with passion.
Do not let these ebbing forms
Break under your
Pathetic will.
Give it all or nothing.

I carry a home inside me
So fragile, the floors
where I sleep are hard.
Little comfort or warmth.
A temporary shack.
Thank you for
the bricks and clay,
Mercy and joy.
A palace that one day
I'll lose — as you won't be there.

Cold. Hearted.
Fiend.*
You were not
mistaken.
I took
crooked vows
men you knew before
with candy hearts
Sweet as the lies
they call home.
This callous spirit — a
****** talisman,
My only protection
My violent core
Will shake
Your grey foundations.

Inner decay,
My defence no longer intact
Barriers broken.
Compassion tangled up
With the oldest revelation of pain.
Unrecognisable to my former incarnation,
I was a lover.
Desirable. Unstoppable.
Before the rot set in.
You wouldn't know me now,
If I am still "me".
I miss the love given
So easily.
I miss the gaze you gave me in that
Smoky nightclub.
I miss being held like I had value,
Golden against your heart.
To feel loved —
It's just a memory.

ain't the pain
ain't the cost
ain't the love
though love is lost
you were right —
It wasn't real
without you here
Joy feels surreal.
ain't the words
that tore my skin
ain't the void
I feel within
ain't the yawning chasm nights
ain't the dying of the light
ain't the urge to conjure blood
Or things I haven't said but should
The future isn't even kind
I beg you
Leave my world behind.

Each empty Street calls my name
Though I am lost to them.
I trod their alleyways
Looking for the world that was promised.
I found the empty chalice of love,
I found midnight fires.
I found mistakes.
I found disappointment.
But never the world.

It is easy to feel distant
At 5:55am,
My head a little sickly
My eyes like holes in snow.
Lights still out.
No history is made
Nothing yet laid out
in cold stone.
It's okay to feel alone
When you're a million
miles from home.
Hurt is just a metaphor
For paths we didn't take,
Each and every thought you have
Are just Godless mistakes.
We're unloved and empty
It's a fact you fail to see,
We're just little boats
Floating on a mighty sea.

**** every minute
**** every day
**** the exits
**** finding a way
**** your agenda
**** all your lies
**** your true face
**** your disguise
**** the liberals
**** Donald Trump
**** building your wall
you ignorant chump
**** the hate you inspired
**** the love that fell flat
**** taking our heroes
We're all tired of that
**** the hope that expired
**** the future unseen
But most of all —
**** 2016

I was just five
You, in the Stars
Unlocking secret plans.
My young heart
Racing with wonder,
In a world —
Beyond my
understanding.
Imprinted on my mind,
Sweet Princess.
I will never forget.

In the midst of happiness and care
I am drowning. And I can't tell you.
Love me where I'm least expected.
In the stillness of night I bleed.

It doesn't matter,
Another year passing —
You're all talking
Sweet light
Huddled in the corridor
Chatter like a dripping tap.
its dull crescendo
flowing through me.
Blood pulsing in my skull.
My internal dissection.
I'm less than before,
always
stalling.
I won't be here much longer
I won't miss a thing,
Just the words that left me out.
Yuletide misery,
God rest my ******* soul.

I saw you go  It didn't hurt.
I know the truth —
You lie in dirt.
So happily I live alone,
Without remorse
I've stumbled on.
Your simple words  Shed simple skin
While I fought wars
I couldn't win.
So rage. So howl.
Gnash your teeth.
It was never worth the grief.
Continue walking empty halls,
One day I'll forgive you all.

From my first scream
The light was dying.
Boy to man
A slow decay,
Bled into me
Boiling away the days
To the bone.
My love was a
Haemorrhage
After you.
Yet I remain
A spectre in my room.
With tears and dissatisfaction,
Forgotten
Like warmth and laughter,
Squandered
Like the years
That never cease.

Cold tiles under feet;
Midnight.
Say goodbye and make
Your plans.
The future has nothing left
to warm you.
It's okay to cry
Just don't expect a miracle.
The love you crave is in the grave.
Be happy for the joy you felt,
The skin that pressed against yours.
The ecstacy you gave
Selfishly.
Slipping through your fingers.
It is no more.

My mistake.
Forget the signs of
vulnerability,
My tender soul
And all the errors
That slipped
from my lips.
I wouldn't fit in your world.
The beast within
Would tear
hot throats
Beneath the silver moon.
I cannot play nice
Or fit in.
Jealousy, rage —
Impropriety
Betray this honest man.

I can't explain
My foolish intrigue
Your words are
Kisses stitched into skin.
You leave me
Branded,
Waiting to be known.
****** but not forgotten.
I lose each waking dream
Only to begin anew —
Loveless. Irrational.
Would you want
a hapless man
Who
wandered from the path?
Can you
understand the pain
that forces me to laugh?
I want to belong
In your smokey realms
Conjured at your fingertips
Reckless inbetween
your thighs.

Divine beastie —
There is wonder in your fine eye.
A wild nature,
Ancient and unfurled.
Chaos and smoke,
Night and dagger.
You! Sweet familiar,
Cruel wanderer.
I have known
your heart
A thousand lives.
Never stray too far.

In this low permanence
I miss my desire —
The luxury of sin
That filled the void
Between pain and loss.
The blissful anaesthetic
of your mouth,
Always hungry
Bitter in its vulgarity
Unafraid.
In those moments
we were endless,
Aching into oblivion.
I don't care what you want
Just tell me,
Your secrets
Moaning sweet obscenities
in my ear.
I don't miss the feelings,
Your hand in mine.
Just those three little words.

Can't sleep tonight.
I feel her touch,
Her heated whisper in my ear.
A memory half real
upon those brief waking seconds.
An ancient forgotten myth —
Alive and panting,
Graciously demanding attention.
"I am still here.
   Forget me again,
When the night is kinder.
Tonight my horror
          Is yours to keep."

I gave away nothing.
You took it all
Piece by piece
Ugliness, it's slow release
My mewling heart
My flaming tongue
My savage soul
All came undone
The years unkind
The air — now stale
I'm tired of
this sorry tale
Just leave,
So I can make my choice
Turn out the lights
And dim the noise
Let me close my eyes and die.
My smile
will be the last goodbye.

The lies we tell
our lovers
our friends
Hurt more than any
Malice could.
I'll always love you.
I'll always be your friend.
Don't ever say those words.
They cut deeper than you know.