these sentences are not full of love, or longing

all i have is heartache
and ear numbing cries
and oceans worth of tears

so i’ll put them into words
words i know you will never read
but words that will always comfort me

you ripped my heart out, robbed me of it
and how am i supposed to go on living
when no one’s pumping my blood for me
and how am i supposed to feel love
when the very person
that embodied my love
is no more

not for me
you are no longer
for me
by me
with me

so this is not a love poem
because you stole that four lettered word from me
this is, just, a poem

I thought i had grown older
Wiser
But when you entered my life again
Unexpectedly
I realized I wasn’t done growing
Healing
I would run back to you in a split second
Undoubtedly
Self respect thrown out the window
Instantly
Still knowing I’m just being fooled again
Unfortunately

do I simply
accept
my current state?

or can I go back
back to the old me

but maybe,
the old me is just that-
old
outdated

perhaps,
there’s a new me
one that I shall find

whatever I will become,
I don’t want it to be
this

and that’s enough motivation
to not give up

snow will fall,
rain will pour,
seconds will be counted
and time won't stop
for you
or me
but since you left, I have frozen.

all things go, but my heart.

“Love is a tricky game, but one day I’ll find someone with its instructions”
I thought.
“Never mind, I had them with me all along”
I realized.

I wanted to ask,
ask how you were doing today.
Because I felt you were having a hard time,
a hard time living.
But I was too much of a coward to ask,
ask how you were doing today.
Maybe tomorrow I will ask,
ask how you are doing that day.

Tracing my fingers along your shoulders
How I yearn after it
You were never the most muscular man
But that was unimportant
I loved your physique
Had you let me I would have traced its entirety with gentle kisses
So gentle, as if you were made of thin glass
My lips would leave behind a ghosting presence for you to remember me by
That was what I wanted after all
For you to long after that same touch

It was never my intention to make the experience ******
Merely a display of total intimacy
But that was were we differed you and I
Seeking different things
I knew for some time there was no us
But I kept lingering just to see the sunlight play on your bare skin once more
For if I am to be honest
I adored you
Of course I realized there was no intimacy in lone adoration
And so I steered my quest elsewhere