Trying to figure out the bigger picture of a puzzle way to challenging for your mind...
attempting to see a mind that wasn't meant for your eyes...
....its like the ph stick
some taste sweet and others bitter
we cannot control taste...
we cannot try to taste bitter when we taste sweet...
we must realize that we have grave purpose...
there is a reason why you taste sweet....embrace it mama(liberian man would say)

In a world full of dos and donts
Full of judgemental *******
Like I'm a ******* unicorn and I'm beautiful kiss my ***
In a world that is constantly changing it's view of Beaty it's social standard
In a world where you feel an idiot for being different
For being you
For simply coming into the world as you are
No makeup, no weave, or whatever
Was your crime...
I don't get it
How cruel a society
And to brainwash it's own people
Into hating one another
Based on gender, hair, skin color, occupation...
How ******* rude
How preposterous
...like ***
I'm a beautiful young black girl
And again I'm beautiful
For a fact
According to society and half the world
...I'm not
I need to bleach, I can't talk "black", I'm a hood rat, I'm ugly...like **** that
I'm beautiful
Just as I am..
And there's nothing wrong with me
God makes no mistakes
This is me
I was born this way
And I'll die this way
What am I gonna make matter
Like all those trash talkers
Haters
Hate on you but don't give a **** about your ***
It's crazy why acknowledge the person anyway
Like our world is ****** up

Competition...
For who...
Try to be better than the butch next to you...
*******...
For what
Can we all not coexist
I'm not interested in a competition....
Vanity...nah
Money..nah
Just plain nah...

Instagram...
Twitter...
Are ******* shark tanks for me...
In my mind their deadly
I fear songs, pictures, and this world
I fear getting eaten up
And beaten up until the point where I become one of the sharks
As I type in my username
...I stare into space for like 10 seconds and wonder do I want to swim with the sharks today...
A part of me is like **** it just do it...
Then another me is terrified and wants to chicken out
But I guess I'm waiting for that in between phase...
Where I can accept trouble and jump in
...but now I've realized that simply taking a simple breath and a baby step
Is one step toward a whole you
A complete you
...so the deep end will be scary...
For how long idk...
What will you face?....no ******* clue
But I've learned that in your personal pursuit you have to go beyond yourself...
And maybe one day you'll see the beams of your radiation

You know
Today was my first day at my new high school
And it was pretty ****** up
And I don't want to sit here and try to rush myself into a confidence....
Bit it made me realize how much I hate myself
Or how insecure I really am
Or maybe just life idk
But I made me realize the real world we live in
That yea when you're truly being yourself doing you
Yes their will be nice people very few
But yo the ******* and the *** holes
******* over flow
It's crazy ****** up
I has to come home crying
Like the first class I walked in first of all was an all white class
And I could see the pity in teachers eyes
As the students crackled in the back
As they stared like I was an animal
Mentally puting on a facade
Like today was ***
It really was
I didn't go to lunch out of fear....
But like no words
.....it'd life life is flicked up you heard
This was a really ****** up moment for me
And I've never felt so much like ****....
In my life
.....it took me right back to middle school
With James
And all that
It reminded me of my fight for "confidence" for acceptance from *** holes
To stare at me and love me
Think I'm pretty, hot and whatever
But you know that didn't go so well
It made me even more insecure
But I'm opening my mind up
I'm not saying everything's gonna be perfect
......but I'm gonna focus on myself
.....my personal happiness

Don't you get it MEX
there are real people who will accept you for you
for your own personal struggle
your personal weirdness
so uncooth right
but there out there
just keep being yourself
cuz that's truly all you can be
try being Miley Cyrus and you feel ****** up why....cuz your not her
your awesome, your weired, unfiltered, ****** up
so be as loud as your mind

As the intense waves poundering away in my ears
my whole head is filled with an excitement
a burst of i dont even know
so intense
just blasts all of my current worries away
so ******* soothing
people ask why
i say idk
but it's somethin about the music

Opening up....old flowers to my heart
....am I right or am I not I don't know
...but I feel bridges will burn down once I accept the pathway
And slowly may they slowly disappear...
If not...ok I'll be fine

Parallel universe...
It's like a real solid glass that I like to peer through...fantasizing of a day where it comes to life
...a day where I live in a parallel universe...perfect in every way
Where boys chase me...where I'm happy 24/7
Where I feel **** and loved
....where I'm confident
....but parallel universe eh
U don't exist
...u do not exist
Your a waste of my mind
...so many values you contain robbing me of my identity
...you instill this idea of perfection...an idea of "happiness"
...but I read somewhere yesterday that happiness...true happiness is hard
You go through **** and you find yourself ya know...
But when it's easy and you feel comfortable...
Such as being confident only because everyone else sees good in your heart...no **** that your face cuz society is *******...
But my God is existent...and so is my life and so am I
All of those are real...
God is all I need

I realized a lot of things today
Ying both yang
I experienced extreme anxiety
Talked to myself non ******* stop....
Mental anguish you know.....
Reminded myself I was human
And repeat
It's like a never ending cycle for me
It just repeats
It's like I can't allow myself to fly
Just do life
Endure it
Go through it
If there's a flame you know have the ***** to go through
Like there's something holding me back
It's like I avoid it
I tell myself some reasonable excuse to make it seem ok
But like I have no wounds
Just fear
I mean I have scratches but not wounds......
I never allow myself to just go out there
In the unknown and take that ***** on
This is not another sappy happy story...
It's a documentary from my heart....

Hey guys
I come in my most real form
a little bit of me and a little bit of crap that haunted me in 2014
but i come in me
i'm still here...
i made it
maybe not safely
life aint safe
but i made it...and that's all that imma focus on
i made it through times i thought i couldn't
i.....made it
i got through it and i'm still here with faith higher than ever
i have moments of regret from like 20 secs ago
but i mean its done
its ****** up
but i'm over it
i have and have had my fair share of ****
...but the new year is approaching so
im dumpin the old **** out and reeling in the new ****
perhaps dog **** or cow **** this time
idk...

A blessing in disguise
A breath of fresh brittle *** dry *** ****** air
It's like refreshing to know of hope
...to know that you're gonna be ok in the long run
But you don't know my mind
..it won't **** the ******* hell up
It's telling me to just think about every single problem in my life...
All I see is wrong because of that
All I see are people judging me
White people staring at me from the cars, in the hallways
....I begin to believe what they see
A criminal...
And ....
I'm gonna make something outta this little mess
...I read this thing on twitter
Where it was like you get so caught up in your mess and you continue to make more mess
And when it's all said and done you look back and feel hopeless as **** because ur mess is ******* huge
...if that makes sense
But I'm sick and tired of npbeimg sick and tired
...I'm tired of the same ******* story every day
...this is my new beggining

It's like
New York was and is this big *** ******* hole
And As I entered I saw no light
.....and I still see no light
I physically see no light
But the light is in the galaxies
It's in my destiny
You see
It's hell to me physically right now
And it's hard
...but right now the light is a simple bliss
It's within
And if I flourish it
And believe in it
...than maybe
Just maybe will that light come to life
And maybe will my tomorrow be a bit brighter
...mmmhhh

So I'm starting school tomorrow
A whole new school...
I don't know what to expect
I'm scared as ****
But my guard is up which is the only thing keeping me sane...
But high school eh...
High school..
Who knows...
But what I know
Is me
My heart
My soul...
That's it my answer

The now...
is not fake
its up front
even when its bad...
its pretty good
its like...***
its like...
so real...
its like you
in your realest form
if you think about it
like right now
as you breathe in the fresh fumes of life
the now
the precious present....
so beautiful
and take look around
at this very moment
and see progress
momentum
everything just quiet
...thats if you just cherish the now
like today at school
idk i got caught up in friends...people....friends
and i mean i lost myself...
but the now.....
man the now
how precious
if you just look around
....forget about tommorow
and yesterday
forget about **** to do
if you just focus on you...and the now
best friends for life....
then youll be satified
internally
and....eternally

I was scared unprepared...
....a glance back took me back to neverland.
That same glance burned a pathway in my soul.
Stairway to heaven I may say...

My I remember running infinitely in the distance...as time runs it's course
...trying to pace myself...trying my hardest to remain in my own Lane
....but simply remaining
....as I feel as if my heart has stopped
As I slow down to walk at the speed of another soul...
I stop because I notice eyes pryed to mine...
....blue eyes you see
Blonde hair ***...
Distraction distraction as I nearly get run over by a car....
.....
Or maybe I actually did as it simply passed over my mind when my eyes saw yours...
....right now
In the present moment
....I barely walk
But I limp...uncertain
Scared to death
Struggling to accept...alot of things
Like the fact that I can't control tommorow or who I am in this life....
Or people....
As I live in an alternate hell through my dreams....
Simply no words....
Simple.clean.and scary
....the mind searches for words
Something.anything
Algun...in return nunca
...I see you glued to my brain....by my very own Elmer's glue
....toxic the glue not
But my very own thoughts....as I grab at them for valid reasoning
Oh Jesus please....please not again
....but fate has it's own way of playing out....
....Jesus be with me as I face my fate face to face...

Michael....mike mike mike
Is all I hear...
....I see a second chance with James in you
I feel as if I'm back in the 8th grade feeling cute and loved...
....but with that comes mass insecurity and overthinking
With that comes a hole in my heart
My soul
My mind
With that comes a missing identity
....everything I worse fear
But baby if it's meant to be it will be...
I refuse to allow fear to control me
I choose to let God
God?
Yes my lord my rock and my redeemer
...my love, my everything...
He is like my life
He holds my life
My destiny
My hope
My fate...
Yes God I trust in him
My Heavenly Father

I don't need to undersexualize myself to be considered a non ****
I don't need it
.....nor do I need to do anything for a mans ****** attention
If you want me
Turn my heart on
Accept me for what I do
What I wear
But don't be there for ***
Or to trophy me to your friends
It seems like genuine guys are a hard find
Like you really have to go through the whole friend thing if you want a good guy
Who's gonna like you for you
Not for having the fattest ***
Or the prettiest society face
Like me for me that's all...
I am not defined by my body
Nor what I put on my temple
I am defined by my soul
That's it....

So for a long time i've searched trough every rock of life
for some form of validation of my personla purpose
and i've been through the popular stage...
the slutty for boys stage...
the paris hilton wears pink everyday stage and puts herself above everyone stage...
than the misfit stage...
and oh this stage it stood out amongst the rest
i was so intersted in it
and it felt like i hit home
like i could do anything
and i mean i really like what these people stand for
Miley Cyrus, Kendall Jenner, stoners, lady gaga, gay people, different people
....and for a while i've felt like this is where i belong finally
like i belong with people who don't give a ****, and people who get me, and all black weird clothing wearers
with dyed hair, who listen to punk n gaga
like it felt right for a while but now it feels like all my other stages
it feels all wrong
like idk...
im trying to hard to fit in
and truth is
my place is in my heart
i belong to myself
with my own heart
i fit in with God and myself
and that's all i need
i fit in no where on this earth
for me....
im through needing validation
for my life....
i define my own life
the purpose may not be apparent at times but i now its there and its in my heart
and it's there for eternity
my worth, my loves, my everything
lies within my place....
my heart

Totally girlfriend...
My life is nothing but a spin...
A freskin whirl wind...
With a wind try na break down my fricken bricks g....
I mean and it truly has...
My wall is not perfect...
It's got holes and tough edges...and for a while I have and ma in denial of my marks
,my scars....
But without those mistakes...where is there room to truly grow...
You see each and every wound is a piece of me being destroyed...
But it is a wound right...it heals
...and Imperfctness is perfect
Because my Lord still loves me and doesn't expect that of me or any of us
...therefore I will accept my holes n flaws

I stand
I'm here
I'm focused
I'm in food faith
I'm everything I wasn't yesterday
Right now is a new moment
Today is a new day
New breath
Come join me
In your differences....
Plus my uniqueness
And well coexist
And were gonna be okay with that
....and I'll write my poetry
Breathe deeply
And change the world...
Change my destiny
Because it starts with one...
It's starts from within
A soul
The soul of the beholder

My flow
...is jet lag as ****
...it's unsure
...it's a well...tug of war
Between my heart and my mind
......my heart is saying
...Miley
Feel me
Feel the wind
Every breath
Cherish me
Fear not
.....than my mind
Is just going wild
No peace whatsoever
Just kinda scattered thoughts
Jumbled up with the past
...the present
Trying to predict the future
Having this perfect outlook on what my life should be like
.....but who new my own mind could deceive me
I sit here on the verge of unreal and real
I pour my heart out
But it's just another way to binge the **** out of my brain
To feel complete
Like poetry I absolutely love
It's so peaceful
So angelic
Then again it's almost an answer
You log out pour your soul out to this site
....and you feel relaxed and better
.....it's like idk
Weird
It's only me I bet
But....poetry is not my life
Sometimes I don't feel alive
Right now I don't feel real
I feel like I'm constantly on the search for an answer
Not even realizing it
Me here sitting innocently
...as the lions roar
As a jungle emerges inside my head
Louder than my heart
.....my soul waits strongly
For a girl to have faith
.....and I guess it really is my choice
....between....
Myself vs me
....wait

Real feeling I feel
But yet artificial
So terrifying
To be in the shallow end
As I wonder how to swim to the safer end
I tap my toe in the water
Aware of its existence
But I fear the plumage
The full body in th water
...I fear not being at comfort
I fear the middle
And it may take years...
To let go of the cement bar
But one little finger at a time I will
...the deep end is always scary
But compassion is greater than fear
So whatever I desire...
Whatever I believe...
Will be at my door knockin

struggling to let go
but i feel myself going up
i feel my hands sliding of the monkey bar
it took a lot of sweat....but its slidin
it is slidin my friend.....

New York...is a new life that seems so precious
....so much etch
Yes some sketch but...so much etch
As my heart is leaded into deception....but also redemption
This journey is far from perfect...
Lesson number one...
Number two I have personal issues...flaws
And that's okay
God still loves and cares for me....
He is my refuge and my strength....
My redeemer through all of life's difficulties
...he is there

Scrolling through hair...
Weaves, videos,.....
Beautiful and unique...
But why oh why do you continue to drain my energy...
Maybe because truly you are a waste of time...
Maybe truly I am wasting my time...
In my mind lies an ideal life...
As I try to make it come true...light bulbs die
And I feel dullness within my soul
.....do you know what it feels like to have a question mark all over your heart
Almost blocking all real feelings
I don't know what I want out of life
And I'm unsure if what I want is true
....that surely is my truth
And is that not okay?

James...
My past
Luke....
To popular crowd...
Insecurity
Sexuality...
Past coming for the ****
...but me allowing it in
...it's coming pretty hard and hella obvi
But I...
Who has been called a ****
And laughed along with the bully
....has allowed the world to eat her alive
And knows what she knows now
...that our world isn't so narrow and small
...that I have a way out
I refuse to return from whence I came
Today is a new day
Right now is a fresh moment
But is my mind ready...
Question I ask?
Most importantly...
Am I ready and do I want....
Cuz if the beholder doesn't feel or do
Thoughts and words are pointless

Within my tiny innocent eye...
Lies a sea of wonder...Of a little desert. Water. And spirit
It captures a story with every piercing glance
...and every photo holds an emotion
...emotions in which the brain is ashamed of...
Crazy how much someone...events can traumatized and enslave the brain and almost the heart...
Crazy...
But my heart yearns as I stand the grounds of New York
....it yearns for truth
....with every breath it yearns out to me
It cries I hear it...
I finally hear it
...and that is truly a miracle
....I see angels in my path
I mentally see them
I know in my heart...for it tells me
But mind will you let me...
...you know what ***** you...
I want this and it's possible...
I'm going to get it.

It feels rather nice
relaxing
embracing every second of life
laughing
making fun
...it feels..nice
having worries
but putting them aside for life's sake
it feels nice
so blanking nice
;)

Gross ******* I am
I do ****** hand stands
By myself
I have like 0 real friends
...no best frands
I'm extremely socially awk
I'm weird according to society
And I've yet to accept it
I hide in the past for comfort
Who am I?

Who am I....
What is my definition...
Is my life a whole entire lie?
Are my decisions based off of insecure me?
Do I have a soul
Am I even real...
Am I alive like ****...
I don't know...
And that's okay...
I crave love...
And I don't know how that can be when I don't even know my own self...
James...once you were sweet now....your simply James
...your not an ex...your a thought
...he's no longer a feeling he's more of the Grimm reaper...
He is the dead past of me...but somehow I'm connected to that past and my whole life thrives upon it
...and I don't want to let go and I don't know if I'll ever tbh
...I don't love him...we didn't love each other...I just loved the way he made me feel
...he was the energy motivating me throughout my day
He was my security because I has none...
I hated myself...I just wanted to be someone else
...I remember watching all these I hate being black vids, bleaching skin, growing long hair...
I mean looking back now I wonder how I even dealt....how I faked my smiles
...and I don't know
And that's fine
All I know of is...right now
I'm confused with life
And I still don't ******* know...

Ya know maybe poetry keeps me grounded or maybe not
...maybe I love rock n roll or maybe I don't....
Did I ever really like James?.....
Am I ashamed of who I am....
Am I doing life right?....
Is my past really haunting me or am I haunting it...
Does James ever think about lil ole me?....
Maybe he does or doesn't...
And am I wasting my life or are all these experiences worth it....
Questions.....
Nothing I haven't thought about before...
I mean am I wrong...
Am I wrong in my style...
In my swagger of writing?...
What are the truths of life and if I know them why is it so friggin hard to just do this ****...
Then life responds the sun, the stars, and the moon are gorgeous....
But are they truly perfect...
Are you choosing to see them as beauty...I mean everyone has an opinion right...
I mean the moon practically has a face full of acne and critters...but it's pretty popular around here...and we see it as beautiful
....so what's changed about life...about people
Perception is key..and you can choose
But I say embrace...because your eyes are you windows to this universe and to happiness

Real is when you can admit that you dont smoke?
that you can admit your faults
...your flaws
with your heart
not your mind
...its the now
its pure
its better than *** ill tell you that
its so freeing
better than rainbows
but maybe not unicorns
...and glitter
but its a hell a lot better than going around faking a persona, being all big and bad for people who arent gonna matter truth....*******
snobs
maybe some some nice people
....but being real is focusing on you
on the now
and doing what you love now
if your afraid its not real
not real at all
however you want to interpret that...fine
but life...
i tell ya
is real
but at the same time not
its full of this ideal....picture
and everyone is adapted to think that this is what its about
that we gotta beat em...we gotta be better
to have worth
....and this is phony
its fake
.....
first of all
friends...they come, they go...gone
****
new ones appear
....same **** happens
come gone, maybe back, maybe forever
but they come and they go
but what stays forever is your soul
...you are not the people you **** with
the words you say
the age you are
the money you got
the clothes you wear
your house
your "race"
your whatever
.....you are not that
you are your soul
and you are different from the ***** next to you....
either your friend or your not so friend...
but you guys werent made to be the same
different souls
different souls
....and your friend
you probably wont see her
or associate in 2 years or more in your case
but...people come and go
...so put all your focus
...in bettering yourself
..for your sake
and the people you love...will love you regardless...
i mean if they truly do they'll accept you
so put all your energy
into living your definition
of the most perfect life ever
if it feels extremely weird
then stop everything your doing weird
...if you really wanna do this
..i dare you to just go for it
youlll thank yourself on your death bed
.....cuz life is not forever
and right now
i am 15...
ive never smoked
i have drank...not gonna lie
but.....i have a whole life ahead of me
to be whatever in the moment
soooooo.....
who cares if i lie about smoking ***
and hating it
who cares....
my life
my soul
is inevitable
and is mine
and i treasure it
as much as my hair...
and that my friends is very real for a young black chic in a world like this....

Scrolling down my feed
Sees a pretty girl
....I'm not the hater type but
I think **** her ***....
Why can't I look like this low key
Then I think why do I crave this
The attention from others
From guys....
To know that your beautiful...
That you're worthy
It's like girls do whatever show you're *****, where a space suit, cover up, like whatever you do
You're worthy
You're worthy because of what you wear within your soul
Even if you're wearing no clothes
You wear confidence within your soul
And I salute that
Respect
No hate
Just a thought
An impulse....

I am a child of the most highest!
I am beautiful!
I am strength!
I will and I can!
I am infinite!
I am love!
I am!
I am faith!

New..sance
New since
My heart truly feels like a nuisance to my soul...
It beats but in harmony with my soul..? I question
I question my genuinity...
My life, my purpose..like one if I'm wasting...
...it's like how does one remain calm
How can one be themselves without thinking about it
...I crave the day where I am free from this zombie apocalypse
A day where I can wake up and breathe...
Smell flowers not weeds
Wake up positive and bright
Salivating the moment in its glory...
But fantasy I tell you this day that I wait for Is false...
It's not a lie but it's a dream...
I know dreams come true but...when it comes to your heart...
That my friend is real and you come to know that fantasies are not welcome there...

Some people see it as a wonderland
..at some point i did too...
i'm a pretty skinny girl with "the ideal" body
and of coarse that **** blew up in my head like crazy
I saw it as an escape from my world
that i was ashamed to live in
i'd whiten myself up...
bleaches, "white girl clothes", the voice...
all to fit in
but in reality
my body is nothing but my body
its my temple
and I don't value it any more than this society does
lumps of fat on my chest "give me my value"
and guys will do anything to get inside the ***
so society has you sittin here questioning..
is that all i should aspire to do...
to look cute, to be "pretty", to be strong but not too strong, to marry, to wear girly clothes, love pink, like....
*******...
my body is my temple
and it guards my heart my prized possession
the only thing keeping me alive physically and emotional in our world
yeah i might've been extremely insecure like 20 secs ago
but i might have muscular thighs, my **** may not be ideal according to you, or i may be perfect to you idk
but people nor society defines me
and my life is so much more than my body, than the clothes on my back, than the food on my table, than the worry...
my body is my temple
and it is beautiful
it is art
and perfect just as it is...
it's my art
my temple....

My Mom...she's great...
ya know...
but i feel a draft
like an awkwardness...
like is it in my mind...
should i change...
should i act 5...
again...
what happened...
does she not accept me?
for me...
does she crave that little girl
who wore pink everyday...
got all A's
was perfect..
fit in
was girly as ****
does she crave it?
as sorrow pours from my heart...
a flood of tears shed internally
for the relaxed relationship we once had
...not something i faked
or something i tried to keep alive
...oh mother what happened
...is it me..
is it you
...is it life...
oh i....

As i scroll down my instagram feed in fear of becoming jealous
of one's body
or one's long luscious hair
or one's "societal" beauty
or just plain ******* awesomeness
I think to myself
like an old broken record player
the words continue playing in my head
your ******* beautiful
in my head
but not my heart
it's obviously not right down there
because jealousy, fear, and hate roams
come on girl get right i say
you'll get better another day
maybe not today maybe not tommorow
but take the risk...
you may feel envious today but who knows what more you'll learn about yourself and come to love...
who knows what the future holds...

Girl
Do I appreciate all the gratitude
and comments i receive from others...
but i have a huge fear of becoming to rapped up in it
and latching on to that for home sake
but ya know there are people out there who love me, who can learn to accept me, and who just are ******* awesome and who ******* just do....
girl....
there's nothing that you have to do anymore
there are people out there for you
so don't go searching for stoners, "hipsters", or smilers
because you feel like you fit in with them
cuz you don't
your your own person
you revel in you're uniqueness
you fit in with your heart
and you'll find people just like that
not just weird clothes, all black wearers, who smoke ****, and ya know gypsy sorta people
....i mean you have a lot in common with them
but they do not define you
its not a group that you belong to
you can float in space peacefully
counting your stars
with your cats and photos of miley cyrus
you're fine...
and until you find people who can appreciate that...
you'll be fine...

My life in one flash
In one word
...non existent
All I do is think about others
That's my daily thought
How will others perceive me when I do this?
It's always the main idea no matter in what language, sign, or gesture
If I say I'm going to be confident today
It usually translates to...
I'm gonna act like miley cyrus today...
I'm not gonna give a **** or I'm gonna act like I don't to gain respect from people
...see it's always about people
...why am I shaped out like this
It's like I have no way out
It's like I'm trapped in a box
With a years worth of instructions to get out
But just can't seem to figure it out...
I guess my answer was there all along
God of coarse
But it's like my faith is shaking
I don't want to down talk my God
But it's like more of a feeling of obligation than faith
It's like you feel like you have to because everyone else is telling you too
And I just need to forget everyone else
And stay in faith...
It really is like I'm trapped in a box
Like I know exactly what it takes to be confident, reasons, explanations all of that crap I know it
Like my idol is miley cyrus
Like I know that only God can judge us, and that **** the haters because they don't matter
But I have no idea to get out of my low

Like I spent all of 2014 worrying about haters...
Googling all this crap on how to forget them
And all o that
But it's like why am I still here
I am missing something
It's like I know
But I know it's something that cannot be said
It isn't another thing that I can tell myself
It's something beneath my soul
A belief
It's faith...
Something beyond my control
Something so abstract
But I gotta believe in something....

so i was just kinda sittin in ma chair
..and i realized that
we don't have forever....
each day, each moment, each hr, each second
is like melting ******* ice....
i know its cray cray
but its real
we are not in eternity
we don't have forever
like one day im gonna ******* die
one day
and its like who am i living for right now....
what is being **** for boys?
what is that...
what is dressing to impress?
what is this lavish lifestyle we all chase?
what are cars?
this metal with wheels?
to have *** every day?
to have a billion boyfriends?
like idk
this is not life you guys...
i dont want to constantly be trying to less slutify myself so ******* view me as classy...
i don't want to feel like i need to wear all black and be hipster to feel well fitted...
like the **** is that
what are *****...
what is a nice body?
what is an ***....
what are all these things?
what is attention...
what are these things that are so called important?
huh
aspiring to be like a model
so boy's will think youre hot
so you can feel like totally great about yourself
than that boy misusing your body and you go tweet about eating icecream because youre so ******* heart broken
like **** the ideal...
**** this planned perfect lifestyle
really....
**** it
life is truly a mystery
to me atleast...
but who says that's not fun....

Right now the only thing I crave is silence...
As I hold my breath trying to allow thoughts to die ....
As they refuse and worsen...
As they force me to become...
It hurts so much to not know of yourself...it's like a million knives jabbing at you as you watch happy people
...confident people, people in love...
Then your mind has the nerve to come back and say ya know what be grateful or some crap
...it's like **** the mind
You tell me I'm worthless and then you try to butter me up
I don't even remember who I was before I was told who to be...
....as tears stream down my heart

What is it about a skinny perfect body that makes you happy?
What is it about long straight silky hair that makes you get butterflies in your stomach?
What is it about perfect flawless features that make you confident?
What is it about ******* perfection?
I'm not gonna sit up in here and tell you **** you already know....
But I will say
I've spent years on a pursuit for happiness....
I have yet to find it..
I shaved, I got weaves, I did my eyebrows, I was a clean freak, I was a people pleaser, I was miss perfect, miss Paris Hilton, miss pink everything, miss black everything, I've tried about everything....
And I feel like I've hit rock bottom
Yes.
I'm young and you look at me and say there's bills and bigger problems out there?
But these are my problems and my struggle
Today I declare my search over
Happiness comes in no quantity
It is not perfect
It's something that cannot physically be found
But must mentally be seen
It is abstract
You must believe it to see it
You can't tell yourself to be happy
Or all these ****** up reasons why you should be happy
And say YEAH I'm happy...
**** that no your ******* not
You can't do that
It's the impossible
You must believe
Because if you won't...
A life of misery, insecurity awaits you

ya know...
the thought is exciting yet trembling
its like 20 seconds ago i came to the realization of the reality of my go...
i'm going to a new high school in the middle of the school year...
i have high *** anxiety
the skool is 6 percent blacks in the whole high school
and i'm a hella *** different
like i have my own take of life, i'll stand out like the black dot on the white paper...
the thoughts just kinda making me anxious
....but i guess its fine
like im not gonna sit in here trynna force myself out of humanity...
but like im human
life happens
and experiences, and moments like this
****** up moments
that you dont ******* like...
strengthen you
i guess
but i'm not gonna do anything crazy
like search how not to give a ****
or look at a thousand miley pics to figure out how i can be like her...
although i will do that but i'll be me in the process
..i'll cry
i'll have mini heart attacks
i'll panic
i'll do whatever
but it will pass
and when it does i'll look back wondering why i ever worried
but i'm going by my message
...life may be a ***** sometimes
but its only a ***** to test you
its one of those *******
but it loves you and wants to strengthen you
with all you're wounds and crap
they'll seal up
and when you get stabbed there again it wont even hurt
sooooooo....
therefore
let life do life
and let the moment be the moment
if you needa cry
if your scared be scared
it'll pass
but just have faith
and never feel sorry for yourself
because you have God by your side!

Is the mirror the enemy
...or am I
As I walk down the street
...and view a world full of eyes glued to me
...I feel every energy
I feel the haters and the lovers
...and I get lost in my emotions
Like *** she's totally staring at me cuz I'm black...
*** he thinks I'm a criminal...*** did I do to the poor old lady
...*** does he think I'm hot or something
Thoughts like this repeat itself
...hopeless I feel
I look for a door or even a ******* hole
But all I see are people staring...laughing...giggling...smirking
I see people in fear of me
...I see the bag clenching, the doors lock...I feel it
And it hurts so much to see an innocent old lady take me to be a criminal for my nothing but my skin...my ******* race
...

My body shakes like im a ******* crack addict
my heart quivers as a ***** would....
im just so ******* jittery i think
i can't ******* stand still
i always gotta be on the run
like i honestly have a problem
i just sit thinking...
thinking of me thinking...
thinking of what to do next
i never actually savor
im just on the run...
should i embrace it
maybe its a sign that i should get out
and what i'm doing now isn't enough
that i crave the volts of life
the adventure
the danger
maybe i want to take it by the lapel...whatever that means and kinda ride it wherever it takes me
and be like yeah...life ya know
crazy hell of a *****

Ya know
Life goes on
Ppl change
They come
...they go
Many ppl won't even give a ****....
Simply because it's not there life....
Like....
Who am I living for besides my self
Like yeah I'll meet ppl
Make friends
But it doesn't matter at all
What I do
...or how I do it
...like **** all you hoes
....*******
....who cares if I write **** **** **** all over my twitter
...like I'm who cares
And only me
....everyone wants to be accepted and cool
...like **** them
..they don't care if I'm gay, or black, or weird
....they just want to fit in with society so ******* badly
...like bye
....

Why am I so angry I ask ?
When did I become so furious with the world?
** made me this way...The world or I
I ask I ask I ask....
I've been asking for several years...
Still no answer
I've asked and I've tried
Tons of **** to call attention to myself
I dressed up for people
I tried to be ****** popular
I tried the don't care I'm Kylie Jenner thing
All of those felt right temporarily...then gone
Then on the search again...
My last resort is faith
Believing that God will come through
Look at Demi lavato
..all the miracles that he gave to people
And all the blessings I have
He will come through for me...
But on time's time...
It's a journey
I gotta learn ****
To move forward
And I know where I am right now isn't right
I can't live for other people like it's ok
I can't live I'm fear...
Right now I'm a scared little girl
Scared as ****
Hiding behind a facade
But starting tonight I'm throwing that **** facade in the garbage
There is nothing in this world that will make me happy
No clothing
No celebrity
No feeling
Nobody
On the outside
But the only thing is
Contentness...
Life for me
Is not a lot of things....
But it's about what's on the inside
Like today I scrolled on Instagram
I saw miley cyrus of coarse and one of her back up dancers
And her back up dancer is short a ****** and I thought to myself how did she find the light....
How is she smiling
And wearing things that the world doesn't approve of
And doing what she wants
Truly..
Not out of rebellion or selfishness
How the ****...
Does one do that I ask....
How?