She's happy she's confident
be happy for her
be happy for them
we can all shine together and be happy together
why do you must be above someone else
we can all make it
we will all make it together
the society standard pretty girls,the lesser "pretty" girls, the "have's the have nots
...**** it
forget the labels us the humans of the world
we are all equal we are one...
lets be bold and beautiful together
take my hand...
dare...

Idk...
it sorta just flows
my stanzas
flow
the lines...
the abbrieviations
just kinda flow
my spelling...obviosly not
but i flow
when i write i dont even know how but i just kinda flow
so whats the problem with my life
my mind
why doesnt that **** flow...
i dont get it?.....

I walk through the halls with awaiting thirst souls...
...I too a thirsty soul quenching on the blood of man kind
The disgusting drips of society
As I **** it...in the moment so sweet...so ******* tender
....then I feel the raft...aftershock spreads
What have I done I ask...
And God says nothing...
You are man..imperfectly perfect...
You are valuable in my eyes remember that...
I reply with silence...

I can feel the warm ******* embrace
I feel the flowers slowly beginning to sprout...
where darkness overshadowed
.....
the faith has taken over
and i feel it
it's real
God is real

Ya know its really hard to love yourself when your mind...
is constantly alerting you of danger
...its like shut the **** up already
like i dont remember the last time i was at peace with myself
like really relaxed....
ya know
im never at rest
....im never fully in the moment
but then again i am
its like im constantly searching for that level of completion
whether it be growing more hair
impressing that boy
looking like kim k
like im constantly looking for that outside source to complete me
....but its like
im here
right at this moment
and afraid
but life is alive
it is very alive
and it waits for no one
it will shove fears in your face
be your best friend
its everything in one
its life
and im in it
and one day it'll be gone
then what.....
james wont matter
my reputation wont matter
...like right now
is not the turning point for me to get up as a new different person....
or wake up from the deceitful life ive been in
but just....
bleh just becoause life
like...
life is life
...its my life no matter what
and nobody....
people
not even Miley matters in it...
because its mine...
i get to choose what happens....what i do
life is life and my life is my life...
remember that....

midnight thoughts..
so l went to my aunts and watever
this movie was playin and just flashed me back to a special someone
and emotions were running all over the place
but it was all negative
like the good feelings started arising
then i remembered how he made me, truly feel...
aside from the whole **** facade i put on for him...
but like yeah he just kinda kept replaying in my mind
and its kind of ****** up
i dont like it
its taking me back to 8th grade
the feeling of obligation
of acceptance
....to be seen as cool
its like the angel and the devil on my shoulder
its ****** up
but its fine
its apart of the whole journey
its ****** up...but it'll get ******* better
...one day
i wont crave the attention anymore
or the acceptance
but its apart of it...
like im gettin there...

New flame
West islip high school
Another hell I have no idea I'm getting myself into
I refuse to make it another me story
Another struggle to fit in story
Like all of my previous years
I really don't want to sit here and plan
Cuz life can't be planned
It works on its own timing
I hope for the best
I'm going in with confidence in myself
Knowing that I'm important
No matter who judges me
I'm important
In an almost all white school
Yeah I'm ******* important
And I'll remember that
I am loved
By God, my family , by me.....

How does a morning so delicate so perfect...
turn into such a miserable day
to insecurity
to me shaming every single thing
carrying around a frown for fashion
....i guess i really want to sit up in here like i usually do
and mumble, rant on for hours about my so far **** day
find the answer i'm looking for than come back 3 hrs later
i guess my real thing is
is letting life flow
and i know exactly what that means...

My soul imagines
a life
without fear
without worries
without....fear
a life full of adventure...
without....
a lot of things......

What the hell did you do to my song

Personal struggle
Like girl I ask....
Do you ever get tired?
Like.....
Internally anguished
******* tired
...and physically impaired
...because home girls mind is telling her
...no that's ghetto
Or you have to be cool
.....like do you ever get tired
....of pretending to be this fierce chic
.....but underneath your just so insecure
And your crying for help
But you don't want anyone to know
...you starve yourself
...**** your stomach in
....when you look in the mirror...
All you see is ugly and you know it
.....you see crusty toes
And how no guy will like you
Or you see another opportunity to reel a ***** in
Ya know are you tired
...of the run
Are you not exhausted
..ok I spelled that right
...but really
You've been running for a couple years now
...chasing happiness
...chasing temporary things
...looking in the same places
...the past
For happiness
I mean...
Come on now
That happiness was lost
It's gone
That's why your not happy
Your listening to the negative voices in your head
And your listening to your head
.....all it does is gather information from the outside
It doesn't compare to your heart
...now your heart believes it knows the truth
...but your head will tell you **** until you believe it
......it will tell you....
So girl...
You've chased it...
Now have faith
What do you have to lose
Your already unhappy
The one thing you shouldn't be on this earth
...the one thing you are supposed to love for was taken away
....believe
.....don't ramble
Don't think
Don't talk
Don't look
Don't move
....******* believe
...and then....
My friend....

Do you ever just feel so angry at the world
have you felt so alone
...that everyone was out to get you
that you had no place
and every ******* little thing erked you off
have you just walked down the street and have ab billion people stare at you like a monster like youv'e done them wrong...
and then you started to believe them..
began to transform yourself into miss confident but still comforming to look normal so people don't look at you like your "out of place"
it's like i have all this knowledge on confidence, on embracement, on individuality
and i don't know what the hell i'm missing
like i dont want to spend my life in the shadows of others
i want to be able to live
L I V E
like right know im breathing...
but im not alive
barely atleast
everyday i wake up
the first thing i think about is my ****** day that always awaits
my problems with anxiety
and i constantly tell myself all this crap on why i'm important and blah blah blah
the same exact crap every single ******* day
it's like i'm sick and tired of this crap
this life
i hate it right now
i hate being judged and hated for doing nothing to anyone but be nice
I'm sick and tired for being judged for who i am
i'm sick and tired of caring but i just can't
i can't
its easy to say it to yourself inside of your home
but once you step foot outside all bets are off...
but right now my only hope is faith
and i know that God will come through for me
but I can't take this crap any longer
and i'm looking for an overnight transformation
but God you have my word
I know that you love me, and you want me to learn from my experiences and mistakes to shape me to who i'm supposed to be...
and i'm holding your hand for comfort
i may not be the girl that i want to be today
but as long as i'm alive there's hope

One thing I sort of learned...
is that people will accept you for your weird crap
you don't have to learn to survive on your own
and force yourself to be alone for "survival"
life's crazy
especially so am I
and I'm slowly coming to myself everyday
I'm facing obstacles that scare me
like running in public or something
and I'm learning how to embrace every part of me
...you hear that
I'm LEARNING
meaning i'm subjecting myself for change
this time i'm open and i'm not forcing myself
i'm just sitting in my relaxing wooden boat
floatin through life, the rocks, the waterfalls, the beautiful caves, the creatures....
I am aware of our broken world
but in a way
it being broken
things being broken allows for growth
for strength
and without obstacles and crap that i've stepped in...
I would've never came to the realization of where I stand
I would still be that girl living for the world but miserable inside
or idk other way around
but like I said i'm a soul
with traits that some people classify as weird
I just classify them as me
and I'm working on the embracement day to day
not mentally but "heartly" emotionally lol
but yeah i'm a human being with my fair share of **** like everyone else in this world
i'm slowly finding out the things that make me happy
the things that **** me off
and ya know...things
but i'm a soul...
and i gotta give it to myself

I woke up...
unsure...
slightly feared...
the only think keeping me going my faith...
and my new heart

Rage in the midst of the fire...
Hear I wriggle and squirm in the middle of the sea...
You know what **** this....
I'm so tired of writing what I feel like I should
Or writing because I feel like it's my thing or because I have to..
Writing just may not be for me
I may just be a blog person...
Or maybe not a writer at all and that's mutherfucking okay..
That is ******* fine....

2014 had its nice moments
but was a total ***** to me
but i know it was out of love...
I went through heartbreak, anxiety, insecurity, the struggle to find myself,...i learned new things
about people
myself
and...
i just want to say thank you
thank you for being such a ***** because without this year...
i wouldn't of known what direction i stand in
what i need to look forward to
and most importantly...self strength
so thanks for being such a *****

My life right now
As i browse my laptop
searching the world for a new activity
....i feel pointless
like i have nothing to live for
like i'm living for nothing
blankness
like we live for money.....paper
clothes....cotton
people..for worth
and life.....we don't

Isolation...
I desert myself
On this deadly as pirate place...
It's grimy...as I continue to drink not champagne but poison
...but this place so familiar...
That it seems impossible to let go
It's so **** comfortable
I know every ally
Every up and every down
....and I refuse to
But then again do I have a choice...
Between life and death
....physically yea
Spiritually...still a yes
....but difficulty
Challenges
Are there to be challenged
Fear may block the passage sometimes...
But my God goes through the tunnel with me...
He is my light and my salvation
...I may be lost between life and comfort
But...
I honestly still don't know

Snow falls gently from the sky
As I sit quietly in the ******* dark
Roses are red
I am blue
It's valentines day
What about you?
What about I?
I who has tried...
To stay alive
Stay above the waters...
But here I pray...
For long I've awaited
But right now something that's been long in my face
Has never forsaken me
Amen

I love fashion..well sorta
and i kinda like shopping
but i feel like i use it as an escape
more of an impulse
ad a rage that goes through my mind...
i guess the idea of just buying something that'll make you happy
..that i can't control myself
its like a warzone for me
like when i think of the mall
im thinking i hope no one took that cute sweater i wanted...
or i hope there arent that many people so i can have everything i want...
it's weird
in this country..
i guess the same effect goes with money for many people
and what i have to say
...to myself
and you out there
....money cannot be eaten
it's not that important
God can provide all you're happiness, all youre necessities...
so stress not of tommorow
or fear not of not being happy
...because it's down the road
..and little by little
the sunshine will start coming in through youre shattered glass
and then you will start seeing the beauty again
the purpose...
just wait....

Sometimes...
I feel like i attract the wrong people
like i'm all wrong
like i ran a marathon but no one noticed
no one even cares....
idk sometimes.....

2015...i come into you
with an open mind...
knowing that your not going to be perfect
that you might even be a bigger ***** to me than 2014
...but im having faith
that i'll find new forms of happiness
...new experiences to learn from
...that it wont be a repeat of 2014
but a redemption
that what i lost
will be found
through faith
in the mighty name of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
...Amen

I had a dream...
about idk
i was in a school
i felt so insecure with myself
i fed on the opinions of others
especially this one boy James
but i know that it wasn't from 8th grade
i felt so excited when i saw him
but i didn't talk to him
i just kinda flashed my myself around
you know my body, my ***, and what not...
but it really kinda just took e back to the person i was back then
and i woke up feeling disgusted not knowing why...
but i think i know why now
I feel like the dream was a message
that i can't be who i was before and the person that i'm going to be at the same time

The midnight sky glistens ever so beautifully
with stars ever so ******* bright
my lines come to life as i "rawen them up"
i say **** and i say ****
because life thats why
but this ******* universe
there's a ******* galaxy out there
maybe even more beyond our eyes
maybe a parallel universe
someone exactly like you...
maybe aliens
maybe a whole new species race...
you gotta believe in somethin...
that life is more
it's beyond

Having joined this website again for the...
like 15th time..
i finally feel like poetry is me
i don't feel like it's a way or excuse for me to rant on about my problems
when i write poetry...
i feel the thundering of thoughts just bolting up a storm in my mind
...its like im in a trauma state
its like once i'm writing it's almost impossible to stop
but joining this website...
has given me a little hope
a little...
like all my faith is in God but what i mean is
Im finally feeling like pieces are coming to me
that something belongs to me
and I feel somewhat complete
...ya know