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helios Nov 2021
it was easier when i was younger
because i still had time
they said i'd grow out of it
yet here i am, still the same
i guess i could say i told them so
but it feels like i'm just laughing at myself.
nothing ever changes
helios Oct 2021
connected by the
twisting of our
lungs (the air
meets with the inner
workings and
have *** under the
last light of the
yellowing moon) oh,
is it poetry or just
a murmured tangle of
fragments that dangle meaning
in front of you (
laughingly- i am the
naked king, and
you are the false awe)
;find purpose in
these words because
it is the first time
they have ever been spoken
(written, preached, given)
in such an arrangement
and the last time
even i will remember
what they meant to say
been thinking bout the question of 'what really is art?' is there a line that ever needs to be drawn? does the artist themselves need to know the meaning behind it, or is it based on what the viewer gains?

i had a discussion with a buddy a few weeks ago on the topic of modern art. the concept of art has become so vague (not necessarily a bad thing) but often it is "faux deep"-- and then rich people purchase it so they can brag about having it in their houses. perhaps the problem lies in those who create "abstract art" with the intent of selling it for an obscene amount of money, rather than bestowing it with genuine meaning. but then again, if someone finds actual value in a piece of work, even if it's not the meaning the artist intended, should that praise be given to the artist?

anyway, this poem is nonsense.
helios Sep 2021
my fingers ache with a desire to create
explore the colors of my mind
i beg for it to come freely
but i always end up searching
carving away at the layers
like a caver, trying to see what beauty
could be hidden underneath
the worthlessness and despair
for once i realize i could be something
i no longer am nothing
and i spill from my mouth,
my eyes bloom,
i see what could be and
it feels close enough to touch
all i must do
is reach a little further

i have never felt as warm
as when i am writing
and i have never felt as cold
as when i am done
i pour my heart out into
these virtual pages
and it's nice to see
what i have created
but god, do i feel empty after
oldish poem (few months) that i just updated a lil. i hate making titles

over the summer i tried to write some poetry when i was feeling especially depressed

it's nice to get my feelings out and also i liked being able to look back on particularly rough moments

but i found a lot of the time i'd feel empty beforehand, it was an Unknown Emptiness... and once i wrote the poetry, i still felt the same emptiness but now I Knew to an extent WHY i was feeling so empty... and somehow, the knowledge was worse

i'm so young and i have so many incredible opportunities. it's absurd i feel so lost. but i am floating aimlessly...

i don't know.  i love to ramble.

got a big *** lump in my throat right now lol. i think i need a therapist
helios Sep 2021
there are nights where i
fear i may die in my sleep
and so i stay awake til
the morning light floods my
window & birds chirp

i have not died yet
thousands of days i've slept,
eaten, breathed and moved
and while i've never experienced
the situation i fear
it doesn't stop me from my anxieties
that grip my ankles and pull with
a force that cannot be stopped
i grab at the headboards and hold
on for dear life but
my hands always slip

there are nights where i
fear i may die in my sleep
and maybe the desire i have to survive
is proof enough that i have it in me to live
but i still cry at random times
and i can't visualize a future where i'm happy
and it feels like time is slipping away
yet i never try to reach out and grab it

i am not scared of dying
as much as i am scared of death
i've always hated change
and this is the biggest of them all
i want to get better but
it feels so far off
and taking one step forward
is hard enough as it is

there are nights where i
fear i may die in my sleep
tonight is one of those nights
and so i stay awake
im in college and its terrifying

this is an old poem
helios Jun 2021
even with a lack of talent
i feel as though i am a fraud
perhaps a mistaken universe swap?
what was the parallel life i was torn from
where these opportunities shouldn't come so easy
to someone who always lets them pass
and who is the other me,
the one that would take chances in stride
and breathe easy in a light they embrace
i know it's just a phase
and my life has only begun
but when it's all i've ever known
i can't imagine how i'd be without it
maybe one day i'll wake up back in my place
and my other back in theirs
or maybe i will die the same as i live
doubtful and forgotten
im currently really hyperfixed on a certain content creator and it's bummin me out... i feel like every second i spend watching him is a waste of time; yea, i get the whole "if u enjoy it its not a waste of time" but i still feel a wave of guilt when i become self aware of my obsession and it really freaks me out
helios Jun 2021
am i supposed to feel this way?
as if i am the last speck of sand in an hourglass?
cuz i think there's something wrong with my brain;
my therapist told me i'm very self aware
but i'm still not sure what to do
because i know why i fail
and i know how to succeed
i've been guided thru and thru
lectured and praised and punished and taught
yet i still find myself kicking in doors
and lying thru my teeth
i believe things will get better
but i'm not sure i deserve it;
there's a lump at the back of my throat,
permanently settled
i like obscure animal names... beauty in the unknown maybe, yadda yadda
helios Feb 2021
i'll bring myself to breathe again
clear the cobwebs from my lungs
rack my ribcage loose of its collected dust;
oil my joints and tighten the loose screws.
and i am going to cough,
i am going to **** and stutter, but
i think it's time to live once more.
something hopeful
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