i think that i'm scared of you.
i'm twisted and nauseous inside
whenever you're around.
i'm always waiting for the next threat,
the next thing i need to apologize for,
the next thing you'll get mad about.
i always have to play along

but i can't leave.
because i know i'll never taste good to anyone other than you

What happened to "I will never hurt you" "I will never leave you" " You are the best thing that ever happened to me"

The words and sentences were exchanged for screaming, crying and aggressiveness

We have faught, strangled and hurt each other, screamed in each other´s faces that we hate each other and that we never want to see each other ever again

Maybe that would have been the best for us, that we went our separate ways and never laid eyes on each other again, but there is something about the two of us, we thrive on hatred

Today isn't about craving
it's not about fuelling that hunger that you have for love with chocolates or flowers or hugs
it's not about trying to fill a hole that they have made you feel worthy of having today just because you have no one's hand to hold
it's just a day to appreciate love, may that be hugging your friends a little tighter, complimenting a stranger or just smiling at your own reflection tonight when you realise you made it through today without craving, you made it through today by letting out all of the love that you'd been saving

How difficult can it possibly be?
How f*cking difficult can it be to respect myself?
How the hell can I let him act and behave like this time after time?

I once promised myself that if he hurts me one more time
it's over for real, I'd call it quits
Shortly afterwards it happened again.
Did I leave him?
Did I respect myself for once?
No.
How I wish I could have respected and listened to my own needs
Because he's not good for me, no matter how much I try to persuade myself that he is

I wish he would be able to make me feel completed, respected, loved and accepted.
I would do anything to feel it, just for a split second, anything

I think that secretly I really miss you
and I say secretly because even I didn't know it until now
I know that it has been bottled up in a tiny corner in my heart
and it's only just washed up somehow
I think I ignore the fact that I miss you
because I know you're not going anywhere
but then a home seems stable until it's ripped up by a storm
a heart seems warm until it's frozen to the core
there is nothing about loving you that makes us permanent
we are both just human you see
but I want you to know that you are the start and the end of me
I could tell you this a hundred times over and it till wouldn't be enough to last
but I would rather you hear it echo around your eardrums
I'd rather you be sick of knowing
so my days of throwing secrets in bottles into the ocean of my heart
I'm leaving in the past

Whatever I amount to, may it be enough for you
even if it's not abundance or wealth
I hope you'll love me all the same

from me, to myself