Excuses
Excuses
Make me
A reclusive
Reduced to
Expecting the worst
Kind of mutant
Aberrant
Outlander
Unwelcome
Across
The whole globe
Have I strove
To belong
And get lost
Concomitantly
Constantly
Claim contradictory
Opposite views
At least two
Sides are needed
But always the one
Whose mere presence is fleeting
And then there is me
‘Bout to go unresponsive
For by
Dead of night
Silences
I am haunted

Wow she impresses
Expresses the rest of my
Leftist adherence  
Attracted to intellect
Over appearance  
Reminds me my goddess’
Gift
An add diction
Her way with words  
Music
To my mute affliction
My silence
And shyness
Her science explores
Turning my peace and quiet
To poetry roars
With inquisitive cues
Intertextual clues
Complimentary muses
With which I infuse
Best attempts
To be tempted
To mention
Dimensions
With take it slow
Get to know her
First conventions

Move swiftly beyond you
Within you
Without
No idea what I’m doing
Or talking about
Probably look like a maniac
Flailing around
Think aloud
In a shroud
Of stentorian sound
To the pounding of drums
And the shrieking of strings
To the tweaking of twangs
Comes the spreading of wings
Sing a symphony
Harmlessly
Charm passerby
I exalt the high heavens
And earth deify
Still accepting she’s gone
But can’t comprehend why
Like the rest of this life
It goes on
Out of sight
And preserving its remnants
The reason I write

Really felt
Her presence lost
Her mark upon my heart
Embossed
No longer
Only cost
A fortune
Fell for some
Ungrateful urchin
Searching for a match
To spark
To compliment
My in the dark
I kept receding
Leaving home again
Withdrawn
One day she’s here
The next she’s gone
Confounding to no end
Despair
It hurts so much
I just don’t care
A page from her
Unwritten book
Not one more piece of me
She took

Can’t rely on a like
And a message
To smile
This find a wife life
Will get old
In a while
And already starting
To bore me
In normalcy
Promising prospects
Condemn me
Remorselessly
Playing the field
With my feelings
Exposed
Vulnerabilities
Shared
Should’ve kept them
Enclosed
In these letters to no one
Specifically reading
Intentions and purpose
To keep them from leaving

How much of a failure
I’ve been
I’ve become
Couldn’t stop any wars
I just hide
And I run
I can’t even have fun
Without substance abuse
All attempts to find love
Tie the knot
In a noose
And you think I’d be used to it
Now
After all
Of the times I’ve uplifted
Myself
Just to fall
In a discontent pit
No escaping it
Slip
Further down
More than ever
Before I have dwelled
And despite the implacable
Anger expelled
Can’t dispel the illusion
That things will get better
That I can be happy
Alone in forever

Slice through the fog
Like a moody
Intruder
My wandering mind
Cannot seem
To elude her
Can’t flood it in tumult
Metallic cacophony
Often epiphany
Specters are stalking me
Once revelations
Divine exaltations
Have morphed into clockwork
Berserk
Demonstrations
Against the machines
And their dream simulations
As much as I feel the peace
Pulsing prevail
I still fail to sale happy
And in it regale
In the love
I have dovetailed
In audio only
So like the Tin Man
I am rusting
And lonely

Try to be
The attentive
Responsive
Be honest
But not this
Duplicitous
Liar
You temptress
Relentlessly
Lifting me higher
But merely
To drop me
From dizzying heights
Hit the ground
Watch me drown
In my loneliest nights
And I thought I was done
Entertaining your kind
In your intricate snares
Bare my soul
Intertwined
With your faithless
Facade
Twist of fate
Ain’t your god
It is simply
Just pleasure
And somebody better
Than me and you
First dating
Under the Weather

If I could keep writing
Indefinitely
I would go on denying
This not meant to be
Normalcy
By default
To a fault
I’ve resisted
Opposed it
Repudiated
Its existence
Since that implies
Sort of
Intent to control
The unfolding of life
From the afterbirth hole
To the hole in the ground
Have I ever been bound
To creation’s design?
And if so
Is there really no thought in my mind
That is mine
Of my choosing
My ego volition
Or merely the maker’s
Deliberate decision

Now
You can wait
Find someone to relate
All my letters
And poems
Just incinerate
It’s too late
Been too long
I’ve accepted you’re gone
And wherever you are
I still hear you in song
And for once
Since I met you
I write it for me
Not for you
Not for us
Just for personally
I don’t hate you
I miss you
But tired of trying
And when you don’t answer
I’m tired of dying
So cry me a river
And never respond
We were all but unbreakable
Painstaking bond

Maybe a day
Or two tops
But at three
That you hadn’t a free moment
I fail to see
So just tell me
It’s not what you want
Or expected
Directly ignored
I can’t take
But rejected
Inured to
For years
I’ve been no ones
Priority
Intimate friends
Always end
In obscurity

Tired
Exhausted
Of being exploited
Of feeling like ****
That you flush down the toilet
Of being ignored
And abandoned
Rejected
Pretend nothing matters
But I am affected
Dissected interminably
Where I left it
Could possibly be
How I better expressed it
And sacrificed rest
To do all that she asked
And in overcast
Bottomless chasms
I grasped
That regardless how much
You could do for this person
They take
And they take
And your heartache will worsen
Immersed in them
Hurt
Irreversibly
Curse you
To sorrow and rage
Interchangeably
Draining
This physical
Cynical
Carcass containing
Ineffable pain
A new form every day
All my cope mechanisms
Are rusting away
For increasingly gray
Has the canvas become
I no longer feel one with the world
I am numb
For the someone eludes me
From circles excludes me
Yet still set in stone
Die alone
What concludes me

Just need a few minutes
Reiterate interest
Respond to my text
And then shut up and listen
To anything
You have to say
When we meet
When we see how we look
As we talk and we eat
But I can’t help but wonder
Between now and then
How much day can transpire
Before hitting send

When she laughs
I collapse
When she takes off my mask
I can’t ask any questions
Just in her muse bask
Hope it lasts
A next day
Though aware we are doomed
To be rock bottom bottles
In trauma entombed
Slip away with her
Maybe
To save me
Tonight
She inspires
These heartfelt emotions
I write
And induces a terror
Of never forever
Like no one I’ve ever
Yet met
And then severs
All ties from attachment
Like none of it mattered
Without even trying
She renders me shattered

What could be keeping her
Fingers from texting
A few simple words
It’s absurd
And most vexing
To know she does nothing
But sulk and consume
In her room
But entombs me
In silence and gloom
Then accompanies others
Who don’t really care
Who don’t hurt with her
Worthless
In death and despair
Just impairing her judgment
In mindless libations
Her self-delude,
Self-destruct,
Numbing sensations
Pretending it’s magic
And mystic
Depression
She is an addiction
A vice
An obsession
I can
Live without
Just afraid of her gone
Was it all
Really meaningless
Fiends all along
Just regretting
Embedding
Their secrets in song

Crazy girl
You’re so appealing
Hidden parts of me
Revealing
Stealing
Made to feel like dating
Kissing made
To feel like mating
Taking
Always taking more
You sound like peace
But speak like war
And contradict each word you say
Forget the day
And claim you’re gay
Or celibate
Embittered
Sick
Your honesty’s
Still full of ****
With or
Without you
I survive
And carry on
As dead inside
As sadly you will still
Remain
Without a home,
A heart,
A name

Becoming the madness incarnate
Unvarnished
I harness
The darkness
Undaunted
Still haunted
By tremors
Of traumas and dramas
Depicting my manifold
Soul-crushing ache
And I do
Like you feel it
And feel it
And break
Momentarily
Sorrow devours
Empowers my muse
Then depravity’s
Desolate desert
Ensues
And too long has its wanderlust
Rendered me
Barren
Refined and enriched
As a crude oil baron
No care in the world
My compassion is spent
Because every last love
Soon enough
Is lament
To extents only writing
Can offer reprieve
And with this
Elegy
Dead to me
Her I grieve

You doubt me
Forget
I am foremost
A writer
I struggle to speech
As you reach for the lighter
And right here contained
In this page
Is my rage
Is my pain,
Is my stage,
Is my rat in a cage
And I made this for you
When I can’t see your face
When you run
When you hide
And deny my embrace
Only pulling you closer
Not pulling you down
We both see rising seas
But your preference is drown
Where instead I would float
Though albeit, adrift
Even if
My last breath
Was bereft
Of your kiss

Resurgent desire
Still spreading like cancer
I feel its entire
Eternal no answer
To why can’t it be
She responds when I want,
Is my picturesque
In distress
In my dreams haunt
So romantically
Fantasies
More than a memory
There when I need
Her bemusing serenity
Verbally
Lyrically
Muted in mystery
All of it
Mine
Dispossessed
But promissory
Nor to control
Just to pass away time
Before down in a hole
Or some contract to sign

Writing for someone
That’s not even there
Still add songs to her list
That I may never share
When she goes unresponsive
Not sure if she’s conscious
And lately
It feels like she’s fading
For good
I just want to reach out
But not sure if I should
For she wouldn’t
So comparably  
In me delight
Does not seemingly care
What I’m doing tonight
And despite all I’ve done for her
Leaves me in lurches
Just pondering plummets
From summits and perches
Desertion
Dissociates
Intimate friends
From potentially more
Than beginnings and ends

Increasingly distant
Don’t want to replace you
Just play you a song
As I long to embrace you
In case you were wondering,
So much as cared
I could share your depression
And bare it
Ensnared
For despair ever has been
The skin that I wear
But I shed it
And bled it
More dreadful than most
Then I fled
And I tread this whole rock
As a ghost
So to feel just as dead to you
Isn’t the pain
It’s still being alive
When you don’t feel the same

It should just be a piece
Not the puzzle
Complete
Of compatible’s
Precious stone,
Pressurized
Heat
But the beats
She uncovers
Keep pace with my stammer
And her ethos pounds
In my chest
Like a hammer
And sickle
In hand
She is reaping my keeping
No secrets,
Just weakness,
She sees it
She eats it
And sleeps like a baby
Goes dormant for days
Then volcanic erupts
In obsidian ways
And like diamonds from coal
My soul molded to lust
For her eyes
Oxidize
My last breathlessly
Rust

Could be finding her
Out there
A writer
But even
Can’t reach an agreement
On what it’s like seeing
Each other as lovers
Not like that for me
I just like to pick brains
Share ideas novelty
And can do so
Apart from
Attraction
The same
As I could
If I wanted you
Simple and plain

She reaches out
From out the void
All morning I
Was a
Schizoid
An epileptic shock
Ecstatic
Down the 101
Wreak havoc
Magic mushroom mania,
Deranged
Unchain
My crania
My brain became
Mind of its own
My twitching, tweaking
Finger bones
Conducting orchestral
Performance
Thee outlander
Looms enormous
See the shadows
Flee before its
Superego
Muse catharsis
Sunny days
Immersed in darkness
Bladin’ ‘til
He flips his lid
An off the grid
Arachnid kid

I still pen the end
In elusive conclusions
Await to be mated
To lovely illusions
Entombed in her absence
Submerged in the flows
But exhumed from sepulchers
Too grim to expose
So diverged from the path
She prefers it to go
And when she doesn’t answer
No more I need know
Just proceed to my ritual
Silence forlorn
Like she’s already dead
And I can
Never mourn
Just lament the unsaid
Full of dread
She cares not
All these songs in my head
But to play them
Forgot

Seeking replacements
In case she erases
Me from the equation
Of all the time wasted
Amounted to nothing
But somebody else
I can’t get your attention
Just go **** myself
And expelled from your sight
For a screen
Only means
There is no you and I
Just a couple
Just fiends

But then I get sad
I go mad
It’s not working
For so many nights
I have felt her
Unearthing
My worthlessness
Surface
Immersed
In rehearses
Discursive
Perversions
Of my darkest urges
Emerging
In words
I can’t form to her face
But forgetting it
Makes them all
Fall into place

She wants to be with all
The other boys
Then there is me
I make her laugh,
Her wrath,
Her hourglass
My whole chronology
Then turn her tantalizing madness
To the sickest poetry
And she was honest from the start
She doesn’t break
She takes the heart
And when apart
She doesn’t helplessly
Await me in the dark
For things to change
It’s all the same,
We all just feign we’re not in pain
So wash away
The day
In haze malaise
And flush it down the drain
Then feel her drain
The power planted
In your all too human brain
For she will never
Ever
Ever
Be some prince’s crown to claim

The seconds are wasting
And here I am chasing
A date with desire
So seldom embracing
At once what I felt
For the hand I’d been dealt
In her hand
I can’t handle
The heat
As I melt

Things could be going so well
Meaning more
But there’s so little I
Care about anymore
She is surely
All there
The best move I could make
She reminds me of you
At the end of heartache
Yet another still lingers
And moves in and out
And uncovers what lurks
In the shadows of doubt
And exists only there
When she seems to look well
But consistently drags herself
Back into hell
Where I sink with her slowly
Enable,
Destabilize her
When I’m lonely
A homely male presence
Still paying his penance
She is the full stop
At the end of my sentence

Traveled
For miles
To get to you
Rescue you
Lucky enough
To behold the whole
Mess of you
Dressed in a sorrow
I struggle to emulate
Here in this
All too inaccurate
Capsulate
Gravitate
Slavishly
Back to your side
But belong to
Along with you
Down for the ride

She sits in a room
All alone
All day sobbing
Her brain overheats
In anxiety throbbing
And lobbing grenades
Upon rainy parades
Is the only way she
Can ensure the pain fades
Crossing over again
To succumb and suppress
She still seems
In control
But is a
Complete mess
But her kind
Of frenetic
Magnetic
To me
She stills pulls me
As if
The full moon
To my sea

You keep saying that
I don’t know what it means
You think you’re the first sorceress
I’ve ever seen?
You think mystic statistics
Above me
Beyond
But I’ve been to the edge
Where humanity dawned
And I wandered this wasteland
A true vagabond
And along the way
Wicked like witches
I spawned
What no dead-beaten creep
Could conceive in the deep
Now I reap the sweet nectar
I plucked from the peak
So for someone
Without any answers
It’s odd
You’re so quick to close minds
To my kind
Monkey god
So just wait for your sign
Ruling planets
Align
For the more down to earthly
Affairs
Are best saved
For the skeptics and doubters
And me robbing graves

Fluttering
Hovering
Into the evening
To delve deeper in
A most hedonist Eden
Still shy
Beyond reckoning
Recklessly beckoning
Her to appear
Disappear
From my fear
From the mere
Insincere
Steering clear
Of my view
Then renew like a library book
Overdue
For a fuming
Subsuming
The room kind of gloom
As she channels the solace
Like tides to the moon
But in howling
She hears
Only words to ignore
And in floating through space
She is ready for war
And she tore me to shreds
For my feeble submission
Selection of lesser muse
Radio friction
Just listen
And learn
She will spin you a web
As her siren songs shriek
In the back of your head

I know I’m not cool
Like the one of you
Gleaning
The rest of your zodiac fate
From careening  
Into
Dating destiny
Seldom foreseen
But we vibe
And rewind
And defy the machine
When I need you to drift
In destruction
And riff
On the whispering
Bury my life in a ditch
Because she
Still rejects
What the opposite ***
Still expects
From just friends
When the rest all connects
In a way
In some dissonant
Distant decay
There is me
There is you
There is no other way
To continue the carry on
More
Other lovers
Each night
I just write
What the shovel uncovers

But then I feel you slipping
In a sickness
Now I’m missing
What began as mostly
Sobering
Confessions,
Awkward kissing
Could become
A purge of toxins
From concoctions
We imbibe
The dark designs
Of what the shadow selves
Cannot keep deep inside
And in an instant
She is distant
After
Afternoons delight
And in the fall of night
She spills her rotten guts
And now I write

Forgot a few songs
Then remembered them later
Attempting to live
To the fullest
And savor
The moment it hits me
And pits me against
What instinctively tells me
It ends in laments
More unbearable
Nay,
More unfathomable
Than the last time
Her tastes
Were unpalatable

And that’s when I start to
Revisit
The pivot
We ****** around
Wasted away
And I give it
My all to still
Fall for you
Crawl in the avenue
Small,
Insignificant
Speck
Undeserving
I swerve
In adverbs
And I fervor
Exerting  
A tired and sick
Of this ****
Life existence
I miss the first time
I could die
In the distance

And in my
Fetid corpse
I find you
Pondering
The Betty Whiteness
Privilege
Riches
We all die
Who cares if it
Belongs to I
Or I,
A most ferocious
Leftist
Lurk the woods
And train the deftest
Cattle herders
Intellect’s
More written worder
Intro specs
To sharpen
Harps
To pullin’ strings
The arts
To tables
Bounty brings
And should my spirit
Fail to guide me
She is shelter
There beside me
Tried to speak
She'd override me
Pegs the spider webs
Inside me
Knows when I
Am not as lively
Itchin' for
Her poison ivy
Long goodbye'd
She'd still remind me
Sway away
Atreyu boy
The Nothing
You can yet
Destroy

Writing is soliloquy
Manifesting itself
Into forms
More discernible
To senses
Of other
Conscious beings
Constructs seemingly
Of meaning
Deemed linguistically
For sure
And it graffitis on the wall
It still installs you in the store
And in contemporary
Swarms
Of trending-bending
Social norms
It still discordantly
Offends
Impends the galvanizing
Storms
And be assured
It will preserve us
Rise to serve us
When we’re nervous
And reverberate
Eternally
To verbalize
Discursive

Yea yea yea
Driving
The so cal
Let’s do this
We’ll find us some food
And then watch
As it soothes us
Remove us from cruising
The miles
Infuse them
And all the sounds
Quiet
I hear them
In ruins

Keep all your stars
Unaligned
Disarrayed
You’re afraid
What you feel for me
Isn’t the same
**** they say to you
Clay and glue
Molded and stuck
On this notion
Emotion’s
Just looking to ****
Or the universe
Curse
Is just energy ******
By another conflicting
Dope horoscope trope
When we both know this ends
With mortality’s rope
So submit to their cleverest
Platitude
Tunes
And reject my objection
To lunacy moons
If we can’t disagree
Peaceably and move on
Then the prospect
Of friends
Is already long gone

Lost again
Instantly
Dead to you
When
I have nothing to offer,
To give
Or to spend
And so bending
Not breaking
Descending
I tend
To forgive and forget
That you’re even my friend

Want to be out there
With you
But I’m here
A dim spark in the dark
Should your message appear
On my phone
In a text
But you’re busy I guess
And however impossibly
Cryptic it gets
Just rejoice in your voice
As if reading it
To me
In nearing depletion
Its songs would renew me
Imbue with tranquility
Peace in the fading
Beside you
As some kind of conflict
Is waiting
To enter the fray
Pulling us away
Nightly
In spite of
Reciting it
Slightly more
Lightly

Drove past where you stay
Several times today
Waiting
Not sure if you’re there
Can’t convince you to care
The one message unrest
Is a waking nightmare
Although revery
Ecstasies
Still concomitantly
Offer some solace
To me
Intermittently
Yes, she’s alive
Maybe crying inside
But I haven’t been
Fatally
Silent
Goodbye’d

The quiet disquieting
Dissonance rioting
Try as I might
To prevent it
Expiring
Worst case scenario
Thoughts
Keep conspiring
Prying my eyes from the screen
Is a chore
I just have to keep looking
Keep checking
For more
Disappointing
Discouraging clues
It’s old news
There is no one to talk to,
Relate to,
Bemuse

This dating app
Lack of success
Gets discouraging
Confidence boost
Then reduced
To uncertainty
All of them
Just want to play
Silly games
An inane competition
To power reclaim
But in vain
Even one simple message
Discarded
How could it have been
More appealing
Imparted
The next
Logic step
In conversing equation
I guess I’m just not
Of the sexting persuasion
Nor of this age
Long disengaged
Have I spent
Now this cyclical swipe and like
Does not relent
Just lament
For the genuine love
I have lost
Now I pay for the right
To remember the cost

Take up my perch
And resume
Thoughts of you
Plan ahead
What to say
At our next
Rendezvous
What to play
Listed out
Bits and pieces of songs
All remind me of you
When you can’t come along
And as I gaze upon
The Pacific
I ponder
Just how aimlessly
Without you
Could I wander

Have all these images
Who we’re supposed to be
He and she norms
I romanticize
Hopelessly
Lovelessness graves
I’m contained
In her ghosting me
Spirits and vapors
Erase recollection
And she disconnects
Into astral projection
As digital,
Pivotal
Message subliminals
Steal her attention away,
I’m invisible
Can’t be more tangible
Still though untouched
Like a hand-held device
Is more worthy of trust
Though I’ve clutched her frail digits
And kissed her eclipses
I’m still overshadowed
By sideshow exhibits
And live in this
Freak on a leash
Other world
Where no fakes
Can heartbreak
Such a nothing’s real girl

And maybe I’ll see her
Tomorrow
Get higher
Keep hiding
The side of me
Thinks her a liar
Conspires to mire
In cables and wire
Desires to beckon
My seldom replier
And dire my poverty
Trauma resurfaces
Now she’s ignoring me
Pouring my worthlessness
Pertinent somehow
To what she was saying
Just take it away from me
You?

I’m not praying for
Paying for,
Graven decaying for
Graying in waiting
To fade in your nevermore,
Save to beside you
Still ebb with the tide you
And hungry and tired
Still strive to provide you
The vibes
And the rides
All the planets align
As the words that I choose
To define it arise
As a decomposition
Of nature’s demise
And the role that I play in it
Soon to reprise
God be ******
Glass of sand
Turns to weeping wasteland
And abandoned all hope
Check the pulse
As it dies
For its roots in me
Still yield
The apple of eyes