And maybe I’ll see her
Tomorrow
Get higher
Keep hiding
The side of me
Thinks her a liar
Conspires to mire
In cables and wire
Desires to beckon
My seldom replier
And dire my poverty
Trauma resurfaces
Now she’s ignoring me
Pouring my worthlessness
Pertinent somehow
To what she was saying
Just take it away from me
You?

I’m not praying for
Paying for,
Graven decaying for
Graying in waiting
To fade in your nevermore,
Save to beside you
Still ebb with the tide you
And hungry and tired
Still strive to provide you
The vibes
And the rides
All the planets align
As the words that I choose
To define it arise
As a decomposition
Of nature’s demise
And the role that I play in it
Soon to reprise
God be ******
Glass of sand
Turns to weeping wasteland
And abandoned all hope
Check the pulse
As it dies
For its roots in me
Still yield
The apple of eyes

Becoming a part
Of much larger
Than life
With the gods I grew up with
Commanding the night
And the lights were spasmodically
Slicing it bright
As the crowd coalesced
In an ecstasy
Entropy
Sound waves controlling us,
Moving us
Mentally
Physically flailing,
Unruly expression
We all brought the energized
Sonic aggression
United in movement
In moonlit catharsis
A metal head horde
All adorned in the darkness
Until the last body dropped
Non-stop frenetic
Enlivened
Inspiring
My most poetic

Why does it feel
So romantic to me
If you don’t seem to care
Seem to share
Mutually
I can only write so many poems
Before
I relinquish Lenore
And embrace nevermore
Why implore you
To be more responsive
Or change
If I want that already
It must be too late
For this we stuff to make it
Make sense
Adding up
Want my heart?
It’s yours,
Take it
Just break it enough
To be never forgotten,
Abandoned,
Betrayed
Self-fulfill all your prophecies
I’m here to stay

Have to get better
At weighing my options
For she is just heartache
Corroding in toxins
And though rather sweet
I’m replete with embittered
Resentment relationships’
Withering liver
And whether or not
I convince her to care
This despair should not characterize
Love affair
We were barely there
Sharing
A moment in sync
Before urges consumed us
In I need a drink

You don’t mean to harm
Just aware that you do
You keep pushing me further
And further
From you
Despite every night
Time of your life
That I write of
You’re right over there
Just apparently far,
Tantalizingly close
As a dwindling star
And if some retrograde
Planetary disturbance
Pervades your brain waves
The harmonic convergence
That all
Seems to fall
Into place
Is erased
And instead forms between us
This mute empty space

I’ll be there beyond it
With you there in spirit
And fear it no longer
As fate comes to sheer it
This clearly not meant to be
Quite so erratic
Sincerely the end is drawn
Nearer to tragic
Down falling
In some kind of rabbit hole
Can’t let her go
But it’s not even like
She is mine to control
Mind control
Is more her
Supernatural gift
And by it
My banana brain
Seamlessly split

Maybe I’m trying too
hard
To mean something
Perhaps she is already gone
And me dumping
My paltry, pathetic,
Precipitous prose
Like a deluge of desperate
Upon a dead rose
Can’t dispose of her silent
Indifferent
Existence
Each moment
Eternal
Futile
Resistance  
In listlessness I must revert
To the written,
The only way I’ve
Ever understood
Smitten
With souls,
And personas,
And psyches,
And signs
With the auras exuding
True beauty’s
Confines
But with her it is more
Than an infatuation
With mere metaphysical
Intoxication

Then she disappears
And I’m here
Barely speaking
My friends are disputing
But I am just seeking
A way to get back to
Her doorstep and wait
For my turn
To return her
When it’s getting late
And for now
Say goodbye
Never sure she’d reply
In the morning
Should I be
The first to confide

I once bloomed
In a room
Of my doom
Contemplating
Exhumed
From Necropolis
Insinuating
An afterlife
Merely goodnight
Perpetuity
Solely a blip
In the rift
Continuity
Needless to fear
Its finality fangs
Ever fruitless to reach for
The biggest of bangs

Been staying out late
With this girl
Who refers
To herself as the world,
All its trauma endures
Although sure she was sent
From the stars
She belongs
She just struggles to see
It’s right here in these songs
And if every last note
Is forgotten in time,
If eventually rhyme
Out of sight
Out of mind,
Should the music itself
So lamentably die
There were lives she impacted
Enchanted
And changed
And should see disappear
Mine is one that she claimed

Try to capture these emotions
Pull you closer
Hold your ghost in
When I’m wandering
Alone in
All the words I left unspoken
When this cloak
Of holy wokeness
Loses confidence
Assured
Tomorrow you will still
Have reason
To return me to your door
Where wanting more
For us
Immutable
Still silently subsides
And acquiesces to whatever
We’re together she decides

Then by your reply
I am taken
It’s making
Me crazy to think
This is how
My heart’s breaking
It’s not all at once
Or from feelings betrayed
It’s in knowing they’re real
But for you
Not the same
And it’s basically
Everyday
Life is decay
Bring me closer than ever
Then push me away
Before I can inflict
More perpetual wounds
Before I skew the signs
In your horoscope moons
I am shrooms
We exhumes
The primordial ooze
But I still dig the muse
You exude through your grooves

Forgive me assuming
You’d rather be living
Be here in my solace expanse
Of misgiving  
You’d rather abscond
To beyond where I bond
And make your
Self a memory
Dreadfully fond

I wonder
Who else she can be
Without me
Among others
Her colors
Must variably
Withhold shades
She displays
By my side
Smiles wide
But then sooner or later’s
Like somebody died
And the joy in the room
Is vacuumed into space
And the hope that I had for us
Obliterates
And in case she is out there
Erasing her life
I can merely be glad
That she had a good night

The present tense
You are
She was
My undoing
With you though
The here and now
Feels like renewing
My letters contained in this green little box
Remain sealed
And sequestered
In restlessness locks
And I festered
Transfixed upon
Dissonant clocks
Buncha’ rocks
It all rots
And returns to the dirt
Without worth
After birth
Ever bound to the Aerth

Am I forcing it into
The pieces this way
When away from you
Carry myself so astray
And dismay takes a hold
Of my loneliest soul
As I rope-a-dope
Sleep paralytics
Ice coal
Becomes ashen and smitten
With progress unmade
Like the lovers of Aerth
Are just free-traded
Slaves
And their ego waves
Must satiate the mass graves
Not the one
He beside her
So desperately craves

Patience
Wait
Don’t ruminate
Too long
Worst case
Scenario
Her ghost inside the stereo
Stuck in my head
Nowhere to go
It makes decisions
For me
Whoa
Possessed
Abstract
Still ill-expressed
She resonates
Elates me stressed
For now wherever she may be
In part always controlling me
No rest
But not for wickedness
Her curse was laid upon me
Kissed

Hoping she’s sleeping
Not creeping about  
And in silence I’m keeping with
Demons of doubt
They keep nagging
And bragging
I told you so
Knowing
Before she invaded my heart
Overflowing
In storms of her turbulent
Surge volatility
Scourge of the underworld
Urging virility
Silly me thinking
She loses control
Just misplaces her mind
And embraces the cold

Still insignificant
Couldn’t have mattered
Could never have felt
What I felt for her shattered
Before me
It all falls apart
On a screen
She believes only evil
Intentions could scheme
To misuse and abuse her
But only I lose
Precious time,
Peace of mind,
And her radical muse
When it changes its tune
With extremes in polarity
Doubts it could work
Due to income disparity
Verity all I have tried
To impart
But to her
There is simply
No love in the heart
Is it just an abyss
Fatalist
All alone
As she wanders and squanders
All place to call home

So much to tell you
Suspended in space
From the moment I see you
All pauses in place
I forget what to say
To that look on your face
And embrace that I waited
All day to hit play
Come tomorrow
Replay it
The same exact way
A few texts,
The unrest,
Then I guess I’ll just ask
For however one-sided
I’m with her at last
And can look past the patterns
All scattered and skewed
Inconsistently messaging
I just feel used
But abused, wouldn’t deign
To equate the same pain
For I can’t pin the blame
On these meaningless flings
If I’ve granted the master of puppets
My strings

Nothing adds up
If equations of us
Not a word I could say or write
Earns me your trust
And there must be two people
Both present
In this
When you’re gone
And I’m gone
Want the other to miss
How it feels to be whisked away
Wistfully with
An intention to mention
The taken for granted
Want you in my arms
By your charms
Am enchanted
Just need you to want
Me more present in flesh
When I get there
Allow our personas  
To mesh
And entangle
Ensnare me
Come bare your whole soul
Have a drink with me
Trip with me
Pack us a bowl

Then I wrote you this text
After days
It feels waiting
The what is she doing
To my contemplating
And now it is later
And later
Creating
I’m just
Cosmic dust
And I rust
In her fading

The you when I see you
Can still express care
I’m just trying to see through
The screens everywhere
Everywhere that I go
Still enjoying the show
You’re all bound
To the sound
Alter egos aglow
At the spotlight’s behest
They’re all altered at best
Your identity?
Industry
Image ******
And when faced with the truth
You prefer picturesque  
But unfiltered
Be sure
My persona charade
In the digital world’s
No cliché masquerade

What else could I write you
About me
It’s something
For I can not feel
But expression’s the one thing
A slum
Biddy ***
Going numb
Scribble gunsling
A note
From a stroke
Of the demons I stoke
When awoken
I wrote
A most luminous cloak
To adorn in the never mourn
Forests of lore
I ignored petty squabbles
Of gods waging war
For assured of my deity
Status was I
I was diamond shard dragons
Designing the sky
And the why
Was awhirl
With her final goodbye
Then I wandered
Despondency wastes
In despair
And I spat in the faces
Of people who care
And therein lies the tragic
Downfall of the boy
And the flying machine
That he seeks to destroy

But I do
Still grind stones
Write each other uploads
And still know
In her silence
My mountain erodes
And a normal man
Reincarnated
Could mine
Could return to the dirt
To recover his spine
But the engineers still run the world
Labor force
Executioners these days
Are kids in divorce
From material ******,
Buy their image in stores
And don’t answer for all
The imperial wars
They ignite in the streets
Like the ** Chi Minh sheeeeets
And they bend the reality
Back to beats

Not trying to change you
Contain you
Or save you
Intentions are only
To learn
What unmade you...

Unmade...
And unmade...
And unmaiden
And bade you
Be bladed and crazed,
Come with irons and chains
And enraged
You engage me
And muses are played

And we sway and we stay
For a minute
Away
And we think of each other
I know it someway

Or don’t let sappy ****
Contain you
Nothing I could do
Can change you
Nor do I
Intend to try
With or without you
Rather die
Avoid such fatalist extremes
A couple nights apart
Just means
We can continue
Ourselves
As gradually
Together melds
Prefer to be alone
Or roam
Into beside each other,
Home

To you
I’m just
Some guy you like
To me
You are
A trip in psych
Another patient
Mission statement
Feels I catch
In stages nascent
All too soon
To be so honest
By your beauty
Still astonished
Happenstance
Compelled us here
Now no tomorrow
Need we fear,
For you have
My word in writing
I will make our paths colliding
Just tell me
You feel it too
And sense it in
Each day anew

First instinct
Is hold on tightly
Thinking of her
Daily
Nightly
Never to appear
Unsightly
So politely
Open doors
And in her absence
Raining pours
Exploring every
Involution
Trying not to probe
Too soon in
Or we watch it all
Fall down
And never see you
Come around

Your mind
Is a whirlwind,
A maelstrom
All scattered
Your heart has been torn apart,
Broken and shattered
Now nothing else matters
To you on the surface
But grungey rejoinders,
A vape
And some verses
Conversing with you though
Reveals the concealed
And when you crack a smile
I know you still feel,
You still care,
You still try
To believe living life
Doesn’t mean you just die
At the end of it
Having spent none of it
Finding
The love you misplaced
Or have trouble defining
Consigned to the trash
Heap of past
Deepest cuts
And the lingering pain
In the heart
As it shuts
Out the would-be abusers
Preemptively
Safe
From the hurt
And the worth
Less than dirt
Sort of fate
But not stating this
With any judgment intent
Just relating it to
My own former torment

Immediate longing
For you when alone
Irresistible urges
Keep checking my phone
And when sudden emerges
The blue little dot
All my prior engagements
Already forgot
Now my worded arrangement
Bouquets
I convey
And take care to precisely
Concisely display
The true colors
Of my
Truest lovers’
Goodbyes
Across canvas oblivion
Spilling insides

Since meeting you
Haven’t made
Much time to write
And to share with you
Can’t find
The one I would like
To express what it’s like
To in just a few days
Shift away from the doldrums
Of dreary malaise
To elation,
Excitement,
And eager sanguinity
Finding someone
Who can share
My affinity
For what a simple
Arrangement of words
Can bestir in two hearts
Thrumming like
Hummingbirds

Alive as we were that day
Walking around
I still thought of decaying
With you in the ground
As if that was the end result
Goal I should set
All the days in between
I would drink to forget
So long as assured
In eternity
Stayed
The romanticized
You and I
Picturesque frame

If only she knew
What I went through
To find her
Fortuitously
Nonetheless
Then remind her
Each day I seek only her smile,
Her laugh
To say something worthwhile
Crossover her path
Before my epitaph
Crosses over
Unknown
And all that I have written her
Not set in stone

Struggled to find
My identity
Finally
Had an idea,
An assessment
Decidedly
Knew who I was
So I thought
And proclaimed
Unto others was proud
To be known,
To be named
But ashamed,
Unassured
I too often became
And now every day hence
I am just not the same
Human ego
Or entity
Subject to change
Conscious mind soul
Embodying
Products of influence
Just an ad space
Personhood
Discontinuous

What could becoming
Approaching me
Changing me
Ask me ten years ago
Where would the day begin?
Never my answer
In offices spacing
Or running down PCH
Shorelines embracing
The end in its infinite
Solitude version
My pen in its diffident
Strokes of subversion
Immersion in worlds
Of colossal
Impossible
Postulates
Posterity
As unstoppable
Once I can find
The best way I can lead
A brief day in the sun
Then in shadows recede

No more distractions,
Attachments,
Compassions
Could match with
Some matches
Of ashes fall down
But they wouldn’t be her
And by her am still bound
And I just can’t imagine
A million and one
Beauty pageants
Don’t have it
They wouldn’t be fun
Couldn’t temper the zealot
The way that she could
Center me to expel it
In ways to be good
More conducive to us
And the rest of the world
Could erode into dust
If I must go on bearing
The lust of love lost
Like two names in a heart
In a tree trunk embossed
There was just the implicit
Please stay what I need
Feed addictions
And drink
Until it’s time to breed

Lucid
And sooner
Or later
Asleep
Even seated
Don’t need
Anymore to count sheep
And in keeping persistent
With daily routines
Only break from the norm
In my wildest dreams
Meaning reckless abandon,
Spontaneous whim
Don’t decide where I go
Just define who I’ve been
Should a day in the life
Include new and exciting
It seldom finds time
To explain it in writing
So as a professional
Aspirant
Strive
Not to make it a living
But why I’m alive

Trapped in the trip this time
Don’t let me out
I don’t want it to end
So don’t make me return
To where everything’s dead
Go on bending dimensions
As all becomes art
And interpreting
Doesn’t demand
I be smart
Just enlivened,
Enlightened,
My senses are heightened
By shifting-shape-shadows
No longer I’m frightened
Ignite as the music
Incites me to fervor
Incoming in waves
Ride the wake
Like a surfer
And wide awake
Snake through the slugs
In my way
On my blades,
In my grooves,
Just a child at play

Better be barely
By breath
Breaking out
For that death
Do us part stuff
I’m just not about
But take heart in awareness
You occupy thoughts
Of less savory urges
Are more often fraught
With a lot
Of traumatic
Explosives and omens
The ghosts of my past
Have so cryptically spoken
And though not
Initially
What I envisioned
We still come together
Like head-on collision
And into it full speed ahead
Would I go
If on your end
The fender bends
Backwards
To show
A committed
Emitted
Fuel standard
Machine
For I’m just a pollutant
Still tryna’ come clean

Come back when you’re ready
To let me stare into you
Baring my soul
Sharing I am so
Into you
Gladly could carry on
Days unrequited
Accustomed,
I’ve learned
The best love’s
Undecided
Or certain
It’s only been felt
Unsurpassed
So we close ourselves off
And compare and contrast
Just enough
To convince ourselves
It could be fun
But commitments
To prior engagements
Become
What the one
For ostensibly
Everyone
Finds
A devotion
To never could try
Other kinds

Think of a way
Of restating
The obvious
More captivating
The awe-stricken
Audience
With a more personal,
Visceral
Form
From a gloom-ridden,
Tomb-bidden
Womb it is born
And exhuming its
Daily death wish
Is a chore
Willfully I oblige
To provide you with more

Feel for
Someone again
Bound in
Temptation
But nothing prevents
Suicide ideation
Astounded how lonely it gets
All the years
All the milestone thoughts
But no listening ears

And into the infinite aether ascendant
Now scream at me,
Shriek with me,
Wreak all the havoc
Together
We conjure
The darkest of magic
Dispelling the notion
The ocean divides
By the side of it
One with the waves
Do I glide
As the glades
Of tranquility
Beckon me back
And instilled in it still
Is your image intact
And though warped and distorted
The clarity stays
Till it summons the sun
From my dismalest days

I tripped and I thought of you
Somewhere out there
It was clear
What I ought to do
Start to repair
The malfunctioning
Mechanized
Rusting organic
Still running on fumes
Like a thermodynamic
Volcanically
Manic
Depression
Sets in
And it comes and it goes
Through my wearing thin skin
And therein
Can my cells’
Mitochondrial jolt
By the god of storms
Galvanize
My thunderbolt

Spelled it out
All on the line
Crystal clear
I was not quite the same
Person changed
With you here
But who didn’t
Or doesn’t
Or wasn’t
Enough
For the person they loved,
Were unworthy to touch
And behold
And adore
And amuse
And delight
In the simple,
Sincere
Sentimental goodnight
And like each of the hundreds
Before were for her
If she’s even still reading
I cannot be sure

Public life
Afterlife
Spotlight is dim
And it flickers
And fades
Like a stage
Pseudonym

Doesn’t need to be novelty’s
Next revelation
Adding factorials
To the equation
That always results
In a nightly reveal
One more piece to the puzzle
Of what I conceal
When complete
Will appear
To compose me
The soma
And unto my readers
Convey its
Persona

Altering actions,
Projections,
Directions
Trajectories take
To deliver their lessons
Impose inquisition
Through force
And charisma
Convince you to
Lie, cheat and steal
An enigma
Required
To masterfully wield
The exertion of pressure
Agendas fulfilled
But it doesn’t take geniuses
For me to be
In control of the outcomes
Unanimously

Watch it move past us
Contained in decay
Everyday becomes wistfully
Wither away
And though hardly the first
To see living as dying
I think I equate it
More often in writing
Where I can trace aging
To futures predicting
That if I do find
Reason for my existing
I found what I needed
And claimed my desire
Composed of what leads me
In peace
To expire