Could be finding her
Out there
A writer
But even
Can’t reach an agreement
On what it’s like seeing
Each other as lovers
Not like that for me
I just like to pick brains
Share ideas novelty
And can do so
Apart from
Attraction
The same
As I could
If I wanted you
Simple and plain

She reaches out
From out the void
All morning I
Was a
Schizoid
An epileptic shock
Ecstatic
Down the 101
Wreak havoc
Magic mushroom mania,
Deranged
Unchain
My crania
My brain became
Mind of its own
My twitching, tweaking
Finger bones
Conducting orchestral
Performance
Thee outlander
Looms enormous
See the shadows
Flee before its
Superego
Muse catharsis
Sunny days
Immersed in darkness
Bladin’ ‘til
He flips his lid
An off the grid
Arachnid kid

I still pen the end
In elusive conclusions
Await to be mated
To lovely illusions
Entombed in her absence
Submerged in the flows
But exhumed from sepulchers
Too grim to expose
So diverged from the path
She prefers it to go
And when she doesn’t answer
No more I need know
Just proceed to my ritual
Silence forlorn
Like she’s already dead
And I can
Never mourn
Just lament the unsaid
Full of dread
She cares not
All these songs in my head
But to play them
Forgot

Seeking replacements
In case she erases
Me from the equation
Of all the time wasted
Amounted to nothing
But somebody else
I can’t get your attention
Just go **** myself
And expelled from your sight
For a screen
Only means
There is no you and I
Just a couple
Just fiends

But then I get sad
I go mad
It’s not working
For so many nights
I have felt her
Unearthing
My worthlessness
Surface
Immersed
In rehearses
Discursive
Perversions
Of my darkest urges
Emerging
In words
I can’t form to her face
But forgetting it
Makes them all
Fall into place

She wants to be with all
The other boys
Then there is me
I make her laugh,
Her wrath,
Her hourglass
My whole chronology
Then turn her tantalizing madness
To the sickest poetry
And she was honest from the start
She doesn’t break
She takes the heart
And when apart
She doesn’t helplessly
Await me in the dark
For things to change
It’s all the same,
We all just feign we’re not in pain
So wash away
The day
In haze malaise
And flush it down the drain
Then feel her drain
The power planted
In your all too human brain
For she will never
Ever
Ever
Be some prince’s crown to claim

The seconds are wasting
And here I am chasing
A date with desire
So seldom embracing
At once what I felt
For the hand I’d been dealt
In her hand
I can’t handle
The heat
As I melt

Things could be going so well
Meaning more
But there’s so little I
Care about anymore
She is surely
All there
The best move I could make
She reminds me of you
At the end of heartache
Yet another still lingers
And moves in and out
And uncovers what lurks
In the shadows of doubt
And exists only there
When she seems to look well
But consistently drags herself
Back into hell
Where I sink with her slowly
Enable,
Destabilize her
When I’m lonely
A homely male presence
Still paying his penance
She is the full stop
At the end of my sentence

Traveled
For miles
To get to you
Rescue you
Lucky enough
To behold the whole
Mess of you
Dressed in a sorrow
I struggle to emulate
Here in this
All too inaccurate
Capsulate
Gravitate
Slavishly
Back to your side
But belong to
Along with you
Down for the ride

She sits in a room
All alone
All day sobbing
Her brain overheats
In anxiety throbbing
And lobbing grenades
Upon rainy parades
Is the only way she
Can ensure the pain fades
Crossing over again
To succumb and suppress
She still seems
In control
But is a
Complete mess
But her kind
Of frenetic
Magnetic
To me
She stills pulls me
As if
The full moon
To my sea

You keep saying that
I don’t know what it means
You think you’re the first sorceress
I’ve ever seen?
You think mystic statistics
Above me
Beyond
But I’ve been to the edge
Where humanity dawned
And I wandered this wasteland
A true vagabond
And along the way
Wicked like witches
I spawned
What no dead-beaten creep
Could conceive in the deep
Now I reap the sweet nectar
I plucked from the peak
So for someone
Without any answers
It’s odd
You’re so quick to close minds
To my kind
Monkey god
So just wait for your sign
Ruling planets
Align
For the more down to earthly
Affairs
Are best saved
For the skeptics and doubters
And me robbing graves

Fluttering
Hovering
Into the evening
To delve deeper in
A most hedonist Eden
Still shy
Beyond reckoning
Recklessly beckoning
Her to appear
Disappear
From my fear
From the mere
Insincere
Steering clear
Of my view
Then renew like a library book
Overdue
For a fuming
Subsuming
The room kind of gloom
As she channels the solace
Like tides to the moon
But in howling
She hears
Only words to ignore
And in floating through space
She is ready for war
And she tore me to shreds
For my feeble submission
Selection of lesser muse
Radio friction
Just listen
And learn
She will spin you a web
As her siren songs shriek
In the back of your head

I know I’m not cool
Like the one of you
Gleaning
The rest of your zodiac fate
From careening  
Into
Dating destiny
Seldom foreseen
But we vibe
And rewind
And defy the machine
When I need you to drift
In destruction
And riff
On the whispering
Bury my life in a ditch
Because she
Still rejects
What the opposite ***
Still expects
From just friends
When the rest all connects
In a way
In some dissonant
Distant decay
There is me
There is you
There is no other way
To continue the carry on
More
Other lovers
Each night
I just write
What the shovel uncovers

But then I feel you slipping
In a sickness
Now I’m missing
What began as mostly
Sobering
Confessions,
Awkward kissing
Could become
A purge of toxins
From concoctions
We imbibe
The dark designs
Of what the shadow selves
Cannot keep deep inside
And in an instant
She is distant
After
Afternoons delight
And in the fall of night
She spills her rotten guts
And now I write

Forgot a few songs
Then remembered them later
Attempting to live
To the fullest
And savor
The moment it hits me
And pits me against
What instinctively tells me
It ends in laments
More unbearable
Nay,
More unfathomable
Than the last time
Her tastes
Were unpalatable

And that’s when I start to
Revisit
The pivot
We ****** around
Wasted away
And I give it
My all to still
Fall for you
Crawl in the avenue
Small,
Insignificant
Speck
Undeserving
I swerve
In adverbs
And I fervor
Exerting  
A tired and sick
Of this ****
Life existence
I miss the first time
I could die
In the distance

And in my
Fetid corpse
I find you
Pondering
The Betty Whiteness
Privilege
Riches
We all die
Who cares if it
Belongs to I
Or I,
A most ferocious
Leftist
Lurk the woods
And train the deftest
Cattle herders
Intellect’s
More written worder
Intro specs
To sharpen
Harps
To pullin’ strings
The arts
To tables
Bounty brings
And should my spirit
Fail to guide me
She is shelter
There beside me
Tried to speak
She'd override me
Pegs the spider webs
Inside me
Knows when I
Am not as lively
Itchin' for
Her poison ivy
Long goodbye'd
She'd still remind me
Sway away
Atreyu boy
The Nothing
You can yet
Destroy

Writing is soliloquy
Manifesting itself
Into forms
More discernible
To senses
Of other
Conscious beings
Constructs seemingly
Of meaning
Deemed linguistically
For sure
And it graffitis on the wall
It still installs you in the store
And in contemporary
Swarms
Of trending-bending
Social norms
It still discordantly
Offends
Impends the galvanizing
Storms
And be assured
It will preserve us
Rise to serve us
When we’re nervous
And reverberate
Eternally
To verbalize
Discursive

Yea yea yea
Driving
The so cal
Let’s do this
We’ll find us some food
And then watch
As it soothes us
Remove us from cruising
The miles
Infuse them
And all the sounds
Quiet
I hear them
In ruins

Keep all your stars
Unaligned
Disarrayed
You’re afraid
What you feel for me
Isn’t the same
**** they say to you
Clay and glue
Molded and stuck
On this notion
Emotion’s
Just looking to ****
Or the universe
Curse
Is just energy ******
By another conflicting
Dope horoscope trope
When we both know this ends
With mortality’s rope
So submit to their cleverest
Platitude
Tunes
And reject my objection
To lunacy moons
If we can’t disagree
Peaceably and move on
Then the prospect
Of friends
Is already long gone

Lost again
Instantly
Dead to you
When
I have nothing to offer,
To give
Or to spend
And so bending
Not breaking
Descending
I tend
To forgive and forget
That you’re even my friend

Want to be out there
With you
But I’m here
A dim spark in the dark
Should your message appear
On my phone
In a text
But you’re busy I guess
And however impossibly
Cryptic it gets
Just rejoice in your voice
As if reading it
To me
In nearing depletion
Its songs would renew me
Imbue with tranquility
Peace in the fading
Beside you
As some kind of conflict
Is waiting
To enter the fray
Pulling us away
Nightly
In spite of
Reciting it
Slightly more
Lightly

Drove past where you stay
Several times today
Waiting
Not sure if you’re there
Can’t convince you to care
The one message unrest
Is a waking nightmare
Although revery
Ecstasies
Still concomitantly
Offer some solace
To me
Intermittently
Yes, she’s alive
Maybe crying inside
But I haven’t been
Fatally
Silent
Goodbye’d

The quiet disquieting
Dissonance rioting
Try as I might
To prevent it
Expiring
Worst case scenario
Thoughts
Keep conspiring
Prying my eyes from the screen
Is a chore
I just have to keep looking
Keep checking
For more
Disappointing
Discouraging clues
It’s old news
There is no one to talk to,
Relate to,
Bemuse

This dating app
Lack of success
Gets discouraging
Confidence boost
Then reduced
To uncertainty
All of them
Just want to play
Silly games
An inane competition
To power reclaim
But in vain
Even one simple message
Discarded
How could it have been
More appealing
Imparted
The next
Logic step
In conversing equation
I guess I’m just not
Of the sexting persuasion
Nor of this age
Long disengaged
Have I spent
Now this cyclical swipe and like
Does not relent
Just lament
For the genuine love
I have lost
Now I pay for the right
To remember the cost

Take up my perch
And resume
Thoughts of you
Plan ahead
What to say
At our next
Rendezvous
What to play
Listed out
Bits and pieces of songs
All remind me of you
When you can’t come along
And as I gaze upon
The Pacific
I ponder
Just how aimlessly
Without you
Could I wander

Have all these images
Who we’re supposed to be
He and she norms
I romanticize
Hopelessly
Lovelessness graves
I’m contained
In her ghosting me
Spirits and vapors
Erase recollection
And she disconnects
Into astral projection
As digital,
Pivotal
Message subliminals
Steal her attention away,
I’m invisible
Can’t be more tangible
Still though untouched
Like a hand-held device
Is more worthy of trust
Though I’ve clutched her frail digits
And kissed her eclipses
I’m still overshadowed
By sideshow exhibits
And live in this
Freak on a leash
Other world
Where no fakes
Can heartbreak
Such a nothing’s real girl

And maybe I’ll see her
Tomorrow
Get higher
Keep hiding
The side of me
Thinks her a liar
Conspires to mire
In cables and wire
Desires to beckon
My seldom replier
And dire my poverty
Trauma resurfaces
Now she’s ignoring me
Pouring my worthlessness
Pertinent somehow
To what she was saying
Just take it away from me
You?

I’m not praying for
Paying for,
Graven decaying for
Graying in waiting
To fade in your nevermore,
Save to beside you
Still ebb with the tide you
And hungry and tired
Still strive to provide you
The vibes
And the rides
All the planets align
As the words that I choose
To define it arise
As a decomposition
Of nature’s demise
And the role that I play in it
Soon to reprise
God be ******
Glass of sand
Turns to weeping wasteland
And abandoned all hope
Check the pulse
As it dies
For its roots in me
Still yield
The apple of eyes

Becoming a part
Of much larger
Than life
With the gods I grew up with
Commanding the night
And the lights were spasmodically
Slicing it bright
As the crowd coalesced
In an ecstasy
Entropy
Sound waves controlling us,
Moving us
Mentally
Physically flailing,
Unruly expression
We all brought the energized
Sonic aggression
United in movement
In moonlit catharsis
A metal head horde
All adorned in the darkness
Until the last body dropped
Non-stop frenetic
Enlivened
Inspiring
My most poetic

Why does it feel
So romantic to me
If you don’t seem to care
Seem to share
Mutually
I can only write so many poems
Before
I relinquish Lenore
And embrace nevermore
Why implore you
To be more responsive
Or change
If I want that already
It must be too late
For this we stuff to make it
Make sense
Adding up
Want my heart?
It’s yours,
Take it
Just break it enough
To be never forgotten,
Abandoned,
Betrayed
Self-fulfill all your prophecies
I’m here to stay

Have to get better
At weighing my options
For she is just heartache
Corroding in toxins
And though rather sweet
I’m replete with embittered
Resentment relationships’
Withering liver
And whether or not
I convince her to care
This despair should not characterize
Love affair
We were barely there
Sharing
A moment in sync
Before urges consumed us
In I need a drink

You don’t mean to harm
Just aware that you do
You keep pushing me further
And further
From you
Despite every night
Time of your life
That I write of
You’re right over there
Just apparently far,
Tantalizingly close
As a dwindling star
And if some retrograde
Planetary disturbance
Pervades your brain waves
The harmonic convergence
That all
Seems to fall
Into place
Is erased
And instead forms between us
This mute empty space

I’ll be there beyond it
With you there in spirit
And fear it no longer
As fate comes to sheer it
This clearly not meant to be
Quite so erratic
Sincerely the end is drawn
Nearer to tragic
Down falling
In some kind of rabbit hole
Can’t let her go
But it’s not even like
She is mine to control
Mind control
Is more her
Supernatural gift
And by it
My banana brain
Seamlessly split

Maybe I’m trying too
hard
To mean something
Perhaps she is already gone
And me dumping
My paltry, pathetic,
Precipitous prose
Like a deluge of desperate
Upon a dead rose
Can’t dispose of her silent
Indifferent
Existence
Each moment
Eternal
Futile
Resistance  
In listlessness I must revert
To the written,
The only way I’ve
Ever understood
Smitten
With souls,
And personas,
And psyches,
And signs
With the auras exuding
True beauty’s
Confines
But with her it is more
Than an infatuation
With mere metaphysical
Intoxication

Then she disappears
And I’m here
Barely speaking
My friends are disputing
But I am just seeking
A way to get back to
Her doorstep and wait
For my turn
To return her
When it’s getting late
And for now
Say goodbye
Never sure she’d reply
In the morning
Should I be
The first to confide

I once bloomed
In a room
Of my doom
Contemplating
Exhumed
From Necropolis
Insinuating
An afterlife
Merely goodnight
Perpetuity
Solely a blip
In the rift
Continuity
Needless to fear
Its finality fangs
Ever fruitless to reach for
The biggest of bangs

Been staying out late
With this girl
Who refers
To herself as the world,
All its trauma endures
Although sure she was sent
From the stars
She belongs
She just struggles to see
It’s right here in these songs
And if every last note
Is forgotten in time,
If eventually rhyme
Out of sight
Out of mind,
Should the music itself
So lamentably die
There were lives she impacted
Enchanted
And changed
And should see disappear
Mine is one that she claimed

Try to capture these emotions
Pull you closer
Hold your ghost in
When I’m wandering
Alone in
All the words I left unspoken
When this cloak
Of holy wokeness
Loses confidence
Assured
Tomorrow you will still
Have reason
To return me to your door
Where wanting more
For us
Immutable
Still silently subsides
And acquiesces to whatever
We’re together she decides

Then by your reply
I am taken
It’s making
Me crazy to think
This is how
My heart’s breaking
It’s not all at once
Or from feelings betrayed
It’s in knowing they’re real
But for you
Not the same
And it’s basically
Everyday
Life is decay
Bring me closer than ever
Then push me away
Before I can inflict
More perpetual wounds
Before I skew the signs
In your horoscope moons
I am shrooms
We exhumes
The primordial ooze
But I still dig the muse
You exude through your grooves

Forgive me assuming
You’d rather be living
Be here in my solace expanse
Of misgiving  
You’d rather abscond
To beyond where I bond
And make your
Self a memory
Dreadfully fond

I wonder
Who else she can be
Without me
Among others
Her colors
Must variably
Withhold shades
She displays
By my side
Smiles wide
But then sooner or later’s
Like somebody died
And the joy in the room
Is vacuumed into space
And the hope that I had for us
Obliterates
And in case she is out there
Erasing her life
I can merely be glad
That she had a good night

The present tense
You are
She was
My undoing
With you though
The here and now
Feels like renewing
My letters contained in this green little box
Remain sealed
And sequestered
In restlessness locks
And I festered
Transfixed upon
Dissonant clocks
Buncha’ rocks
It all rots
And returns to the dirt
Without worth
After birth
Ever bound to the Aerth

Am I forcing it into
The pieces this way
When away from you
Carry myself so astray
And dismay takes a hold
Of my loneliest soul
As I rope-a-dope
Sleep paralytics
Ice coal
Becomes ashen and smitten
With progress unmade
Like the lovers of Aerth
Are just free-traded
Slaves
And their ego waves
Must satiate the mass graves
Not the one
He beside her
So desperately craves

Patience
Wait
Don’t ruminate
Too long
Worst case
Scenario
Her ghost inside the stereo
Stuck in my head
Nowhere to go
It makes decisions
For me
Whoa
Possessed
Abstract
Still ill-expressed
She resonates
Elates me stressed
For now wherever she may be
In part always controlling me
No rest
But not for wickedness
Her curse was laid upon me
Kissed

Hoping she’s sleeping
Not creeping about  
And in silence I’m keeping with
Demons of doubt
They keep nagging
And bragging
I told you so
Knowing
Before she invaded my heart
Overflowing
In storms of her turbulent
Surge volatility
Scourge of the underworld
Urging virility
Silly me thinking
She loses control
Just misplaces her mind
And embraces the cold

Still insignificant
Couldn’t have mattered
Could never have felt
What I felt for her shattered
Before me
It all falls apart
On a screen
She believes only evil
Intentions could scheme
To misuse and abuse her
But only I lose
Precious time,
Peace of mind,
And her radical muse
When it changes its tune
With extremes in polarity
Doubts it could work
Due to income disparity
Verity all I have tried
To impart
But to her
There is simply
No love in the heart
Is it just an abyss
Fatalist
All alone
As she wanders and squanders
All place to call home

So much to tell you
Suspended in space
From the moment I see you
All pauses in place
I forget what to say
To that look on your face
And embrace that I waited
All day to hit play
Come tomorrow
Replay it
The same exact way
A few texts,
The unrest,
Then I guess I’ll just ask
For however one-sided
I’m with her at last
And can look past the patterns
All scattered and skewed
Inconsistently messaging
I just feel used
But abused, wouldn’t deign
To equate the same pain
For I can’t pin the blame
On these meaningless flings
If I’ve granted the master of puppets
My strings

Nothing adds up
If equations of us
Not a word I could say or write
Earns me your trust
And there must be two people
Both present
In this
When you’re gone
And I’m gone
Want the other to miss
How it feels to be whisked away
Wistfully with
An intention to mention
The taken for granted
Want you in my arms
By your charms
Am enchanted
Just need you to want
Me more present in flesh
When I get there
Allow our personas  
To mesh
And entangle
Ensnare me
Come bare your whole soul
Have a drink with me
Trip with me
Pack us a bowl

Then I wrote you this text
After days
It feels waiting
The what is she doing
To my contemplating
And now it is later
And later
Creating
I’m just
Cosmic dust
And I rust
In her fading

The you when I see you
Can still express care
I’m just trying to see through
The screens everywhere
Everywhere that I go
Still enjoying the show
You’re all bound
To the sound
Alter egos aglow
At the spotlight’s behest
They’re all altered at best
Your identity?
Industry
Image ******
And when faced with the truth
You prefer picturesque  
But unfiltered
Be sure
My persona charade
In the digital world’s
No cliché masquerade