I don't trust myself
when I promise I'm fine
I don't believe I could ever let go of you.
I will never stop thinking
appraising possibilities in my mind
about what would have happened
if only I ... never kissed you
is it true that you would have wanted me more?
maybe if I were an expert
at some love mind game
we would be sitting by each other
instead of me lying by myself
writing this attempt of a letter
which by the way you will never read.
I don't trust myself
when my mind is filled with hopes
and in my dreams I breathe you in.
I don't trust myself
when you are nearby
because I'm afraid I might reveal
those angry, desperate feelings
that make you run away.
I don't trust myself
when I've had too much to drink
because I always blurt out this mess of a mind
and I'm always on the verge of either slapping you in the face or...
trying to kiss you.
I don't trust myself
when I'm around you
but it's all because of you.
You manipulate me with your words
but you make me fall in love with your eyes
when you look at me across the room.
I don't trust you
because everything you do or don't
makes me believe in a yes
but it always transforms to a never.
I don't trust myself
because every time I try to move on
you come around and clutter everything up.

Rain keeps pouring on my side
Water runs cold as ice
Still it cannot be mistaken
With the tears in your eyes

I see you staring back
Thinking something has gone wrong
I understand your confusion
I feel your pain but I wish you were strong

You keep trying to see through me
See the light at the end of this darkness
You cannot ignore me and my angst
Take one look at me, I’m harmless

I know it’s impossible to recognize me
Through those glassy eyes unknown
So just close them, look inside you
Open them now. We are home.

Do you see me now?
It may seem the end of the world delayed
But a new smile will appear tomorrow
The rain will stop and your tears will fade

Can you see me now?
I’m just you, looking from the blurry outside
Wishing we didn’t have to feel this way
Wishing I’d see the storm perish inside.

You are always my exception
The one I impair my walls for
For just one drop of potential
The walls that end up throbbing in my veins
When you vigorously step on them to get to your goal
The only one who drives me to the highest level of weakness
by dismantling my morals and making me surrender my values.
You should be able to find them now somewhere lost in the atmosphere
You are one of life’s teachers
and I’m your student who fails your lesson every time
You dissolved all of my sanity with wine and turmoil
That night when you promised me sunshine
And said goodnight by heartlessly kissing my pride away
Because of you I am not myself
Your memories serve as a desperate attempt to fool my mind
into not caring for myself, but for your egocentric needs
I used to follow rules like they are carved in stone,
and my values had just landed on solid ground ...
Until you returned with your rehearsed apologies and believable vows.
You are my saddest, most tragic mistake
the one I'm ashamed to admit to life’s judges
but the one I keep coming back to
to insult my lunacy and unrelenting stubbornness.
You drink all of my pride as smooth as beer on a Friday night
You tear down my walls with nothing but effortless words
and leave me picking every piece from this raw, dusty ground.
You are the one known liar I keep believing in
You are the exception to my indestructible rules
the one mistake I never seem to learn from.
The one who builds up his ego by pushing me back down
You should be so proud to know you have won once again at your own game.
You should be proud to know you are my one and only exception.

I would rather be addicted
To much less poisonous stuff
Something along the lines of
Drugs or violence
But you, never you
I am never okay
With or without you

I am never satisfied
With a simple hello
And an ordinary stare
Will never be an acceptable fix
I cannot see you because
My soul will perpetually suffer
But my heart jumps frantically
At the soothing possibility
Of a once again

And I don’t know why
My body loses its balance
As this craving reaches the limit
And it will not be fulfilled
By the thought of you
And how things once were

I would rather erase
This bittersweet taste
This memory of a high
I used to experience
By being your only source
A source of life and power
By being the sole owner
Of a feeling of completion

I would rather fix myself
If only temporarily
But you keep dragging me
Back to your colorful trap
And so I am never okay
With you I am not fine
And without you
I am equally condemned
Because I need
Your most insignificant reaction
To walk through my day

I would rather not be tempted
By your poison
But you continue to lure me back in
There is no escape for me
Because I will never be okay
With or without you

I live in a perfect world
where you love me
and you would give anything for me.
I live in a world of playful sunsets
hands holding and butterflies fluttering
around you and me.
A place where you tell me
I am everything you could ever dream of
the girl you have prayed for
Everything you have ever wanted.
But this is a perfect, hypothetical world
that I could only dare to dream
and write poems about.
A place where you make your promises come to life
to make me happy.
But I guess I can have this world
if only to pretend
that things turn out the way you want them to be.

You spoke words so reassuring,
They would scare away any doubts
That attempted to overcome
The solid walls surrounding my soul.
You spoke with such sincerity
And a protective, careful heart,
That my natural defenses always scaring people away,
Could not fight it
Your voice,
How you held both my hands
As if defending them from anything other than yours.
You spoke with such clarity, a lucid certainty,
No word of yours has escaped my mind since that night
I believed everything. How stubborn of me.
I regained any hope that was lost
The last time I swore not to risk it again
For a chance at love.
You spoke the words that would fearlessly shatter every wall I’ve ever built
to fight this desire to feel your lips on mine.
The words you seem to have performed
The way only experienced actors can.
The words any girl would obey to
Once they felt them seductively grazing their lips.
The words that transformed my plain, guarded self
To a state of proud invincibility
Just by having them leaving your lips to be harbored in mine.
You said “don't be scared” and you showed me how
When you kissed me under the risky moonlight.
But I only wish you could
Still live up to these defiant words.
Don’t be scared.

last night you were on my dreams
just when I thought you were out of my mind
just when I began feeling sane once again.
you told me it was me all along
you told me your girlfriend was long gone
I was happy for the first time
I saw your face as something I could call mine
I felt your kiss on my lips
and it tasted better than last time
I closed my eyes and I savored
Sweet Certainty and Wine.
you were mine and I was yours
maybe forever, we'll never know.

I opened my eyes to a reality
just like the one we live in today
only to be assured you still have someone
that might never leave you (she would be smart if she didn't)
now I will never have what I once tasted
what I once swore was already mine
and I am stuck inside my imagination
wondering if you are truly happy (call me selfish but I wish you weren't)

I still **** all the false hope you fed me long ago
few drops left and I go on like it never ends
because it gives me life
as it reminds me of a Promise
and the souvenir you left me that night
And I wish you chose me
I am the one for you
And I wish I could let you go
because I know my memory has been replaced by many of her

As I write this rambling mess
and I vow to let it be my last
as I finally promise to let you be happy
I want to let you know
I fell in love with you
you let me go so fast
you broke my heart and ran to her
but I'll let you go at last
this I promise and I swear
but just until I remember you again
Maybe someday, but maybe someday is tomorrow.

This bridge, it would keep us together
Where we would only be separated
By sight ... Not by soul.
It had the potential to last forever
We both knew
It would keep us stable through storms
And put us to sleep under the sun.
This bridge, it brought us together
Against all odds and complications.
It turned us into two lucky
Fate-believing, story-tale-ending, happy lovers
Until it couldn't stand minutes, days,
Time ... It eventually takes everything.
The steady pieces we once stood on
Were drifting away as easy as
Feathers on a summer breeze.
I would try to keep them together
While you finished crossing to the safe side
Barely trying to repair the damage
The traces are still there but the fixer is long gone.
This bridge. It used to keep us together
It eventually tore us apart.

Love?
Don’t say you know
All there is to know
Because you never stop learning.
You see, you listen
You touch and you fall.
But don’t say you’ve seen
The most beautiful
Or heard the perfect melody
Or felt the only hand that fits yours
Or even that you’re the one
Who’s fallen the hardest.
Don’t say it because you’ve only just started.
Love?
Don’t say you know everything
Because you’ve never felt it deep
Inside your soul.
You’ve never had your pupils dilated
At the sight of something you want
Or the chills taking over your skin
At the sound of its voice.
You have yet to feel
The overcrowding of butterflies
Inside your stomach
And the weakness in your feet
And the trembling in your hands
And the heart refusing to calm down.
Love?
Don’t say you’ve already met it
Because if you did it would still be here
It would still be yours
It would have never left.
Love?
Don’t say you know everything
Because we’ve only just begun.
Don’t say you have felt it
Because the best is yet to come.
Don’t say that you’ve seen it
Because your eyes don’t know what they’re missing.
Love?
It’s only on its way.

I can't even listen to your voice
Without thinking of that sweet symphony
That left me believing I had a choice.

A decision not to want you
Won by your determination to win me over
I wish I hadn't come through
When I knew you were far from sober.

I'd rather not be captured by this charming melody
I wish I would be deaf to the sound of your piercing voice
As this is the only symphony for which I ache but I have no choice.

I know you're the worst idea
that has crossed my mind.
I know you naturally break my heart
and shatter my soul to pieces and dust.
But even so, I am sorry
more sorry than you'll ever be.
I am sorry for what I said
even if you don't regret the slightest
or try to take back
the words that still cover my skin.

Well it's your birthday, heartbreaker. And I can't help but beg to myself not to talk to you
Because my only wish for you is that you'll be with me instead of her.
And I can't say that out loud, or write it somewhere for everyone to read
Because expressing my way to love was ended so soon because you took a detour to another heart
Is not an easy thing to do
Because saying what I mean, means you saying some invalid excuse.
I wanted to wish you happy birthday
But I know it won't make any difference
Believe me, I fight like hell to try to wish you well.
But my stubborness keeps me from letting you go.
So I'll just pretend I am happy for you, as I always do
When deep inside I pray to be your one and only wish.

Are you aware of the impact you've caused in my life?
The way you seem to take over my mind
Is uncontrollable and unbearable.
The way I never see you and somehow I always see the look in your eyes
Like a faded brown photograph.
The way I seem to follow your every move
Almost as if I want to be you to see if you feel something more for me.
Isn't it crazy? This obsession, I mean.
This clueless mind has no idea how to feel anymore.
It doesn't know whether to love you or let you go.
It doesn't know whether to hate you for what you've caused.
This irreparable damage, a heart breaking slowly
Like the shattering of broken glass in slow motion.
A deafening sound that makes your heart burn.
A frantic angst to pick up the broken pieces
So that none is left to do more damage.
But most importantly, a need for you and only you to repair it
For you to come back to me from nowhere and lead me somewhere breathtaking
Some place beautiful where this cold glass can heal.
I promise myself that this happened for a reason
That I should not be angry or frightened
That this involuntary shivering should take a break or disappear forever.
I promise myself that I'll soon get you out of my mind
The hardest promise I've ever had to keep.
A reason to cheat in something, a deceiving desire
To think of you and that brief moment we shared.
It is unbelievable to me how you've changed my life somehow
So drastically like a sudden turn leading to disaster.
The mess is already made but I don't feel the need to fix it
Because this obsession has made me wait for you
This obsession has given me impossible fantasies about whom I want you to be
And how I long for you to change.
I know, unbelievable isn't it?
No matter how hard I try to deny it or pull it out of my head,
I still want you and I probably always will
Because the thought of you keeps coming back to me
But you are nowhere to be seen.
And it hurts me more than I could ever imagine.

You are scared
and this frightens me.
It makes me think that these excuses
are just a temporary way
to tell me no, I don't want you.
I mean, when you share your fears with me
about not knowing what will happen,
I get scared with you.
Just because everything you do,
everything you like and say,
I will do, like and say too.
So when you say it's complicated
when you say I don't understand your reasons to say no,
I will believe you
as you are the only credible being in my life.
I am now filled with fears
and they all came from your tongue, teeth and lips.
From your heart, from your guts.
I am frightened and so are you,
just one more thing we have in common.
But if tonight you pray for strength and courage,
I will pray for you too,
just so I can be brave with you.
But if you decide you don't want me,
this will not make me not want you,
that is not how it works.
I will forever want you, forever love you ...
even if nothing but fear runs through my veins.

I'm exhausted of feeling you close
When I know you're miles away
I suffer from hearing your name
Even in the middle of silence.
I hate looking for peace in my heart
When I can't find ways to forgive you.
I'm tired of blaming myself,
Blaming you... Somebody's to blame
For this twisted heart.
Must be me for believing you.
Somebody's to blame for this tragic heartbreak... Everything points to you
I keep searching for silver linings
The real you at the end of darkness.
I keep trying to find reasons why
Meeting you had a purpose in life
Because you left me with nothing but a broken promise.

I know I should let it go
But you won't let me let you go.

M.S.

It is until your heart gets pulled in different directions
and sweetly manipulated into taking another form,
that you start to analyze love for what you thought it would be.
You pour your heart out on paper
because you were never brave enough
to speak the words that would stop this manipulation...
the prequel to a broken heart.
It is when words start scraping its surface
that you think how you got into it,
knowing you'll never get out.
Expressing your reactions to no one but this ivy ink on hidden lines.
With vague excuses of why it can't work
and with empty promises that were swept away,
your heart loses its strength
and its pieces are painfully drawn by gravity.
It is when he says he loves you
that he tears it up and stains this notebook...
It is when he kisses you, unaware it was the last time,
that the saddest words come to life.
It is when you see him with someone else
that you realize that he, who was never yours,
will never be.
No matter how hard you think he'll come back and repair it;
it is until your heart is pulled,
torn and broken that you are left alone to fix
what love has done.
It is until you live the consequences of love,
that you write down the most tragic story he'll never read.
You can never write something decent
until he breaks your heart.

I wish i could listen to
The blaring voices commanding me to move on
Stating it should be as simple as
"Out of sight, out of mind".
I wish these voices were silenced
By my frail heart whispering
"He was the only one".

For you
I would move a mountain
And climb up to the top
Bruises and cuts included
Just to kiss you, my perfect prize.

For you, I would swim the ocean
Fight the storm-provoked waves
And take you to the shore, sweet home
Just to kiss you, my longing love.

For me
You would go fetch
The most romantic combination of words
And say them with truth in your eyes
Just to kiss me, tonight's prize.

For me
You would forget everything you ever said
Go cry to her, your perfect one
Climb a mountain to have her in your arms.

For me
You will do nothing ever again
For her
You will circle the world every day of your life
Will I ever be the one you give your life for one more day together?
Will I ever be the perfect one for you?