Waitressing at work today
a guy came in
**** looking, tough guy
kind of like he never grew up

but he had the cutest
shy smile
when i miscounted his change
and left me a generous tip.

I like stuff like that.
I like people like him.

I hope he liked me too.

I'm in a dark place,
a place I've been many times before.
I won't be here for long though,
just have a few emotions I need to explore.

Monotony has brought me here,
and regret will take me back.
Anxiety is off in the distance,
waiting for morning to attack.

Too blinded by pleasure,
to worry about what's to come.
Too busy finding ways,
to make these emotions numb.

On  more than one occasion,
you said that I deserved nice things.

But you never really understood
how little things mean to me.

Instead, I believe
I deserve to fill my life with nice people,
but based on your behavior
it doesn't seem like you quite agree.

I feel this pain;
A familiar spinning in my chest.
(I'm almost certain it's called the thoracic cavity)
It happens whenever I think of you,
and when I think about not thinking about you.
Sometimes even when I'm not thinking about not thinking about you.
I think.

I want certainty.
I want to know when it will go away,
I'd even be happy to know that it'll last forever.
(At least I'd know, you know?)
But, I've felt it before,
And I know that it'll eventually go away.
Well, not go away.
More like a young man that visits an elderly woman.
He visits her everyday,
Then something comes up where he can't visit her one day.
He visits her the next, but his absences begin to accumulate.
Then, one day, he just stops visiting her,
and eventually forgets her.

The point is I guess,
I know it'll go away eventually.
I just don't know when.
And THAT is what kills me.

I knew a simple soldier boy
Who grinned at life in empty joy,
Slept soundly through the lonesome dark,
And whistled early with the lark.

In winter trenches, cowed and glum,
With crumps and lice and lack of ***,
He put a bullet through his brain.
No one spoke of him again.

You smug-faced crowds with kindling eye
Who cheer when soldier lads march by,
Sneak home and pray you'll never know
The hell where youth and laughter go.

Instead I watched him slip away into a memory faded in the distance because I knew it was best. I knew my heart couldn't take it anymore and I knew I'd be alright without him. Tears rolled down my face as he vanished in thin air each step he took felt like a memory fading a promise breaking and a love dying.... I was ok, he went his way and I went mine. Though memories were left behind there is still the story if a silly girl and foolish boy

And then the day came,
when the risk
to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it took
to Blossom.

I'm completely disgusted with myself
Today, I almost wrote a poem about you
I almost put it under your pillow
So you would randomly find it
And think about me
But I don't want to seem crazy
                     I just want to open up your head
                     See what's inside
                     I wanna love you when your happy
                     Hold you when you cry
                     Kiss you when your leaving
                     Laugh when your mad
                     I want you to feel good
                     And know how wonderful you are
                     I want to know your past
                     I want to see the future
                     I want to paint every feeling glowing inside
                     I want inside jokes
                     Smiling because no one knows that's around
                     I want to tell you secrets
                     Listen about how much you love triangles
                     Your my muse
                     And I love the attention
                     Your eyes are stars
                     And I'm supernova
                     Things make sense when I'm with you
                     Like a game of risk or chess
                     Checkmate
                     I found my king
                     Ill be your queen
                     And we can take over energy
                    
                     Basically,
                                      I like you.
****.
That's what the poem would say
If I wrote it
And slipped it under your pillow
So you'd find it
And not think I was weird
Only cute.
Well, my heads in the clouds.
You probably think I'm crazy.
**** I'm crazy.

please stop.


you cant keep this up.
we've watched you try before.

please give up.

do you like to get hurt,
do you like to hurt others.


please stop.

you've been confused.
this is not reality.

please just give up.


when has it ever worked.
when have you ever won.


please listen.

im your heart
im breaking.