I knew this would end badly.
I never expected it to hurt so much though.
My heart physically aches.
My days feels oddly empty without you.
Yet I see you every day at work.
I guess this is why they say not to get involved with coworkers.
You listened to me.
I listened to you.
You know more about me than even my family.
We took turns kissing each other.
This scared me, to be honest.
You were only my second kiss, but the first enjoyable one.
I miss our endless conversations.
Our rants about frustrating days and insignificant encounters.
Few things were held back.
Yet there are a few things you never told me.
They were for a different level of intimacy I guess...
You had more self control than I did.
I spilled everything about my life.
You know every messed up detail of my life.
I laid it out in the open and you didn't.. why didn't you
I guess I understand why not.
I messed with your heart and head.
I crushed everything that was there.
Now I think you hate me, or at least most of you does.
I think you also still like me.
I cannot get over you.
Why do you have to leave for an entire month.
The military keeps taking you away from me.
Maybe it's for the best.
I want you to fall in love with someone.
Someone who will not toy with your heart.
But I hate to see you flirt with other girls.
I feel like I am already being replaced.
How much did you really like me?
Or did you just like the challenge of trying to get some from the Christian girl.
I hate that I am so upset about this.
Why did I fall for you?
Why did I keep coming back to you?
You make me furious.
I want you to text me, or call me, something.
Even though I said we shouldn't talk.
I want your willpower to be weaker than mine.
I miss you Mike.
I am the master of charades.
I have you all fooled.
None of you would ever guess.
Guess that I'm falling apart.
I feel broken.
I feel empty.
I feel lost.
I feel lonely.
I feel afraid.
I feel like a ghost.
No one here needs me.
I am the back up.
I am acknowledged at most.
But disregarded in the long term.
I feel left out.
I feel ugly.
I feel fat.
I feel sad.
I feel like running away.
It been a while since I've been like this.
Being apart sure was bliss.
But now you've come back sinking in again.
Back deep inside where you began.
I don't really understand
I'm actually quite confused.
Thought I'd started walking in a new pair of shoes.
But here you are and here I stand.
Depressed, sad, and so alone again.
I sit alone in my room
Uninterested in everything facing certain doom.
It makes me hate myself that I can't control
The urges to cry even in a room full.
I stand in the shower
So people don't know theyre tears.
When you live in a dorm it becomes a fear
Hide your problems act like it's alright
Just make it through the day make it till night
In darkness you can cry but silently
Because tears give relief even while roommates sleep.
None of them know what's raging on
The fight I'm fighting to stay strong
I do my best to smile and wave
But sometimes it's not possible sometimes it fades.
if you could see inside my thoughts you would be disappointed in me.
you'd tell me I was being stupid and reckless and that i need to grow up.
and i know i am but thats exactly what i wanted to happen, to be reckless.
you think im childish im sure, and are probably fed up with my problems.
but i feel so helpless and as if i dont really have a choice in how i feel lately.
wish you could see that you're the only person that i actually trust completely.
you've broken a barrier that no one else has one that will probably never break again.
Today you told me you hate your parents.
They are suffocating and don't understand your wants and needs.
Things escalade quickly to boys.
At 14 you talk to 28 year olds who want nothing but your body.
Running away has become a habit.
When you're upset you take off running, and running, and running...
Houses you dont know are your haven.
You don't fear **** anymore you just accept it as rent.
You've been drunk before.
You broke into a house and stole some of their stuff.
You are broken inside.
I wasn't there, i've failed you, no one to help.
Today you tried to **** yourself.
you took the pills, your only vice for this hell you're living in.
Tonight I feel like a failure.
you almost lost your life...
let it be silent so that I can hear my thoughts.
there is a constant mumbling of unrecognizable words.
I know im supposed to hear and understand but nothing is making sense.
invisible is a good way to describe what I am.
people have made a lasting impression on me that i want removed.
everything was a waste because as quickly as things appear they are gone.
sinking slowly into a hole that is being dug beneath me by faces I know.
soon enough ill be suffocating from the dense black dirt they throw down on me.
maybe they assume ill grow into something better.
lost out in a field of tall grass i cant see over.
only 10 feet from freedom but blinded and turn towards certain isolation.
without hope im abandoned.
sleep is the only comfort available recently.
because its the closest I can be to death without making a commitment.
flirting with death each night, but playing it like a game as I have been many times.
its like a robbery but instead of your home
not material things. Money, gold, and jewels
what they want is your happiness and joy
they gain hold of you and dont let go until
you begin to forget what it feels like to feel
they dont take everything though, one things left
its the best weapon they have, you destroy yourself
you end up a lost cause