if you look hard enough
for long enough
for something
one day
you just might find
nothing at all
and it will be everything you ever wanted
all that you need
a good find
a great day
so, stop looking
you look like an idiot

Jesus: My Friend

I once shared a room for a week with Jesus
He smoked Marlboros and enjoyed beef jerky
People called him Zach
But he was Jesus to me
He heard voices and paced the rug all day
He was ******* the rug
He was ******* me
When we smoked he would pace...
back and forth in the snow making a path,
telling me that he was jesus
and that I had an evil laugh
He once told a girl to stop farting in his pacing space
I thought that was the funniest thing I ever heard
There were times that Jesus made me nervous
He would get an evil look on his face
and then he would smile
and tell me the world was going to end
He talked alot about the world ending
and what needed to be saved
I was on top of that list
I told him I didn't need to be saved
and that I didn't believe in God
It hurt him to know I didn't believe in his father
He was an interesting character
He had a drug problem and was schizophrenic
I have a drug and alcohol problem and I'm crazy
Together, we could save the world
He was a conservative and I, a liberal
Our politics clashed
but we didn't clash
Jesus and i got along just fine
I would tell him he was a fool
for blaming the worlds ills on liberals
He would smile and tell me I was the devil
Together we would laugh
We disagreed on most everything
We disagreed with smiles
One day I left in an ambulance
Jesus paced in his usual spot in the day room
I could see him smiling
As if to say "I told you so"
As if to say "Everything will be okay"
After a few days I was released from the hospital
I often spent time wandering the streets
One day I met a man out for a stroll with a cigarette
It was Jesus
He looked so glad to see me
He said hello and called me Mike
I said Hi and called him Zach
We must have been using code names
His secret was not yet known
As I passed him we both turned around and smiled
We both knew things had changed
We knew we had to go our separate ways
We did, but halfway down the block I turned
to catch one more look at the son of God
I still think of Jesus on a regular basis
I should have had more time for him
But I have a feeling he's doing just fine
And I smile when I think about Jesus,
somewhere out there saving the world

I walked for hours and couldn't believe my eyes
the sun should not be there
but it was
just beneath the lowest bow of the oak
just above the shrubline
waiting to set
I sat on the bench
lit a cigarette
had a drink of water
i called my mother
asked her if she was watching the sun
she said that she saw it
i told her to smile
and i smiled
everything was going to be okay
I just wanted my mom to know
that her sun would always be there

He has been waiting for this
His whole life
Mekong river delta
Sticky prickly heat
Ice calm blood red water
Fiery orang sky
He's swimming out
Further and further
Thinking of all the men
Who die in wars
Thinking of the friends
That he's seen die
He can't reach bottom
He gasps for air
Curiously not out of breath
Marilyn Monroe reaches out her hand
She is singing Phil Collins
"In The Air Tonight"
She knows what he did
He can't reach her
She smiles
Continues to sing
He should wipe off that grin
She knows where he's been
It's all been a pack of lies
She stops to speak
But no words come out
He reaches out
She does not
The sunset takes over
The fiery, now red sky
Black shadows on blood red sea
A soft raspy voice says
"I'm here"
Then nothing
Silence
A ceiling
Reality

Unforced Smile

this is just a warning
if you see me bite my lip
while staring into space
I'm probably deep in though
hearing a song
a hopeful melody
with two part harmony
imagining you and I
together again
if i squint my eyes
I'm sharpening focus
bringing you closer
than you've ever been
and if I shiver
I've felt your touch
maybe just a brush
across the shoulder
more than enough
for an unforced smile

It was a beautiful day today
So i took a wallk
in the woods i spent my childhood
And much of my twenties exploring

I gave up on the woods ten years ago
When i gave up hunting
Today i went hunting for memories
With a pen and paper
...
I cannot say that my hearing
And eyesight are better today
I can say that i heard and saw more
Such as the purple flowers in the undergrowth

Years ago i would have returned
With grand tales
Today i returned
With a short story

Today i was tired and breathless
From the hike up the hill
Sweating profusely
And coughing forcefully

II could however blame that
On a chest cold
Rather than my sixteen year
Pack a day habit

The trail is not exactly the same
But much is the same
And it does still go by
Many fond memories

The deerstand from which
I shot my first deer with a bow & arrow
23 years ago still stands
However the ladder has curiously moved

Again there was a deer
Under the same stand
And i could not imagine
Ever shooting the deer today

Today the trail takes a more gentle
Climb to the top where i went
Looking for the tree under which
I made love to my high school sweetheart

At first i thought it was gone
But then i found it
Right where we left it
The tree that has not changed

I remembered Laying out a blanket
But soon realized that was not the truth
She was not a sweetheart
And we were not making love

As with much of my youth
i was guided by lust
Rather than by love
Or respect for anything

I would have done almost anything
To get rid of that memory
Fifteen years ago
while today i cherish it

My foul mouth has not changed
Proven when i said "*******"
after nearly stepping on a turkey
Startling me as much as the bird

I stopped to check out the shale pit
I used to spend hours there
Scouring for fossil remains
Of plants and animals

I never found anything
But that didn't stop me from looking
Today i picked up one lump of shale
Looked it over and laughed

A pair of squirrels did not think
It was so funny
****** scurrying up a tree
And barking at me in unison

I guss the biggest impression i got
Was how much the woods
Has not changed
While much of me has

All the changes
may not be for better
But not all
For worse either

I shouldn't have given up on the woods
and i have been given several chances
So i am going to give the woods
Another chance as well

Drink up
Says the angel
Up or down
In or out
Good or bad
Choose a side
Dispose of the other
There is so much beauty
Beyond the waiting
Hold on to that railing
Feel the vibration
Thirteen steps
Jump up
As you reach the floor
Wait some more
It's alright
Everything is ahead
You are not alone
Down down down
Banking left then right
Down down down
Now banking left
Ii is my coat
It is warm
It  smells golden
Inviting
The warm sounds of horns
Distant beating of drums
A greeting
Red and black rose petals
Layed out for your feet
Cups and bowls
Fill with everything
From tea to coffee
This is everything
There is a  list
She welcomes you
With wolves open spend
I would say anything
It would probably

Can I be satisfied
There is much more
something better
Beyond the downed  
Water where goivca
That spots the flower
You should
Many are turned awaye
Sometiimes i felt sorry
You will get over it
This is where you belong
This is destiny
The avenue
Once and intoxicated
In a
And went
Chad in first year
Away someomtimes
Everyone is sitting there
Waiting for caddy shack
Wanting to go to jail
Drinking tea and coffee