Lord my petals.
Lord my petals.

Why you had to take them from me.
Devil wasn't ready,
But mommy was.

Lord why you had to **** me.
That burning sensation when I laid that night,

You destroyed my petals,
Lord that was in me..

But if I lied,
Said it was fine,
We'll be alright,

I'll eventually get over it,
Wouldn't I?
How could I..

My body hurts lord.
Why you had to do this.
I wasn't ready,
You made that decision for me..

And that's why,
I could never say I'm sorry.
My rose petals.

Tonight I write my wrongs.
Let someone who didn't love me,
Destroy me mentally and emotionally.
I ran to another that one night,
I needed love.
I needed to feel like everything was okay.
Like somebody cared for me.
That night I laid there in silence,
What's done is done.
Going to ****** for pleasure,
Trying to find something that was close to feeling like what I felt for you.
You.
You destroyed me into pieces,
And I ask myself why can't I forget you.
When you no longer need me,
Lord this man doesn't even love me.
Lord why Did i make this mistake,
Lord why are you punishing me.
I'm vulnerable,
And he knows how to speak,
When I am feeling weak,
The only man I've ever went too,
Because his love went through me like quick sand.
Lord my petals that were grewing in me,
are dying
Because I forgot to love it,
Lord my body is changing because of it.
Lord I slept with this man,
Whom I know isn't the man I want to be with,
But rather feel as if he loves me,
Knowing he only loves me
When his devils horns reach in me.
Lord why are you guiding me into the direction that I know will make me suffer.
God why aren't you showing the signs that I need,
For me to move forward.
Lord why are you letting me pretend as if I am strong,
When you know I am weak.
God hear me.
Lord please **** me.

He got up in me,
With no feelings,
Like a demon.
But I loved the devil.

I laid on his chest,
That was rotten with poison,
That filled up his veins.
As I listened to his heartbeat,
I was feeling so ashamed.
Here I am,
Falling in love again.
This time I knew the games,
That he played,
Yet I told myself just stay.
And there I laid.
Filling my body with poison.
He caused more pain,
What might be growing inside of me,
My screams tried to tell him.
Why I wanted to stay.
But yet he let me rot,
Self destruct,
You little mutt.
Oh how much I hate you,
But this living thing inside of me,
Won't let me replace you,
As I laid one more finale time,
What was once my favorite spot too be,
Let your venom **** me.
Your child growing inside of
Me..

God knows what I need to do,
But am I ready?
Is it simply that easy?
It feels like it.
Decisions I should be making for my own happiness,
But am I already happy?
God please tell me why you keep doing this too me?
Am I failing you?
I know my well being isn't at the greatest point in my life,
But lord please tell me that you know that I am trying!
Please tell me that you see me try to shove down these meals,
That my body no longer wants to eat.
You cannot tell me that you don't see me,
Waking everyday with knifes in my back,
That I forgot to take out at night,
Lord please tell me this is the end,
Of these sleepless nights?
Please tell me this isn't what I need to do,
And I know it feels right,
But please don't make me do it.
I am fighting everyday,
I know you hear me scream at night!
The minute they pronounce me as
"Cancer Patient",
God you knew,
This was going to be done.
Is that why you were preparing me?
All these years of suffering and aching,
Is that why when I sleep, I can't lay on my chest through the night?
Is that why you kept hurting me lord?
Please tell me is that why?
I feel it.
You know I do feel this pain,
In between my chest,
I feel it sometimes,
But lord I feel it.
Am I not good enough?
Why didn't the times I wanted to be gone,
Work?
Why all of a sudden,
This pain is coming back,
I never get a break,
I am cursed.
God, please hear me.
Is this what I need to do?
Do I hold his hand, and never let him go?
Or do I walk away, and let him find a true love?
Lord please hear me,
I cannot take this anymore.
Make me feel beautiful,
I just want to be loved.
Lord hear me.
Why don't you love me ...

So today I wrote a rant in math class.  I had a lot on my mind and I needed to write about it.
I showed one of my friends and he almost cried.  He said it was realatable.
So here it is I guess.  Tell me what you think.

Yah know when you need to write something but you don't have any paper?
Or when you want to text but your phone is dead and you don't have a charger?
Or when you want to talk but can't speak?
You'd just buy more paper and a charger right?
What if theoretically, you have no money and you can't get any
because there are no people around to give you any?
Then you can't buy anything period.
Then there's no point in talking and communicating.
After that,
after you realize you can no longer communicate,
You block yourself in.
You walk the world alone because you know you are alone.
You feel like nobody cares because there's nobody around to cafe.
Then you stop caring.
You stop caring if there's a tomorrow
because there won't be anyone to spend it with,
That if the world were to end today you wouldn't care.
You'd become silent,
you'd be silent,
you'd live silence.
Even if there were people and you couldn't communicate
You'd still be alone,
because they'd lose interest in you.
You'd still be alone and feel like no one cares.
In a wild free roaming world you'd be the caged one.
You'd also stop caring about tomorrow
Because you can't talk to anyone and they don't talk to you.
What if you could talk but still feel like that?
Feel no one cares because you're you?
Feeling powerless in a world where you don't think you matter?
You'd always be alone,
even if you have the power to speak,
Youd know that'd you be alone because no one would like your opinion.
You'd always be silent because
you're scared to be you in a world that doesn't want you to be you.
You'd grow tired of being an empty shell.
You would get angry that no one feels you matter,
But deep down even you don't feel like you matter!
You still wouldn't care,
like you're reaching out to something non existing.
If you can't express you're opinions then why would you matter?
If you're scared to be you because of others then why should you matter?
Why should someone care about you when you don't care about anything?
You go silent because you worry too much about what others want,
Not what you want.
You fall silent in the world you locked yourself in.
Why suffer in silence when you can rise in noise?
What's the point of being you when you just want to be someone else?
There is no point then if you truly 100 percent feel like that,
If you don't Atleast try to be you and have an opinion then there is no hope.
You'd just be a silent unsung song in the distance of no ones mind.