lost a lot this year.
a loose ring,
green sunglasses,
a vessel for the love i once poured,
and the tablet with a crack-ed screen.

what should've been lost
at sea
on the shore
568 kms away
in my own home
came back to me
whole and for forever
3 out of 4.

i kept my light a little brighter tonight,
not as dimmed as i would have liked
when you were here to distract me from the shadows and comfort me through the night.

they say it is not worth thinking about,
the thought making a fountain of tears out of my eyes
cause i still remember how the wind whispered when you were around,
a deafening peace that drowns the world outside.

to survive the night, i took a weightier blanket for my heavy heart.

I lived with it.
the nails that was not trimmed for a long time.
the cuts i never knew i had.
the blood that i bled.
the dirt.

the unnecessary, uncomfortable.
the nightmares.
the pain.
the failures.

I did not have to die with it.
so i trimmed my nails, and wrote this after.

every night with him, i try not to fall asleep
try to be awake than be lulled
try to rest without the doze

but every night with him, my soul would slumber
even without counting numbers,
i am put to sleep for hours

and as the world vanishes,
my thoughts of him persists
my love for him endures

as i live in dreams,
in a world where i am his.

it is nights like this --- when you rest in my arms
that i do not want the sun to rise
or the stars --- to fall.

i have no need for a shooting star
or a new beginning,

for this is it,

the moment i stop to wait.

i will gladly spend forever
         finding you the perfect rock to skip through the river
i will gladly let you snore
         and encumber the sleep of others

will gladly let you bore me with the details
gladly give you space on hot days

all the things i do, i'm glad,
i do it for you.

no one talks about the guilt you feel for being
a beloved child of the universe, for all things
going your way ---- not for others.

i would love to see you happy, but the universe knows
not to make me uncomfortable and destroy me,
as it exists to protect me.

i am ultimately the reason behind your misfortunes.

thoughts are protected, knowing in my bones
there was someone out there.
freedom enjoyed, knowing i was not ready yet.

no one talks about the guilt of knowing
i am ultimately the reason behind your misfortunes.
and unfortunately,
for you, i will stay,
even if i had to see you go one day.