I lived with it.
the nails that was not trimmed for a long time.
the cuts i never knew i had.
the blood that i bled.
the dirt.

the unnecessary, uncomfortable.
the nightmares.
the pain.
the failures.

I did not have to die with it.
so i trimmed my nails, and wrote this after.

every night with him, i try not to fall asleep
try to be awake than be lulled
try to rest without the doze

but every night with him, my soul would slumber
even without counting numbers,
i am put to sleep for hours

and as the world vanishes,
my thoughts of him persists
my love for him endures

as i live in dreams,
in a world where i am his.

it is nights like this --- when you rest in my arms
that i do not want the sun to rise
or the stars --- to fall.

i have no need for a shooting star
or a new beginning,

for this is it,

the moment i stop to wait.

i will gladly spend forever
         finding you the perfect rock to skip through the river
i will gladly let you snore
         and encumber the sleep of others

will gladly let you bore me with the details
gladly give you space on hot days

all the things i do, i'm glad,
i do it for you.

no one talks about the guilt you feel for being
a beloved child of the universe, for all things
going your way ---- not for others.

i would love to see you happy, but the universe knows
not to make me uncomfortable and destroy me,
as it exists to protect me.

i am ultimately the reason behind your misfortunes.

thoughts are protected, knowing in my bones
there was someone out there.
freedom enjoyed, knowing i was not ready yet.

no one talks about the guilt of knowing
i am ultimately the reason behind your misfortunes.
and unfortunately,
for you, i will stay,
even if i had to see you go one day.

I AM NOT IN LOVE
But when you are alive,
Things are possible.
To die and later on, be dead.
To write and later on, sleep.
To not study but later on, pass the test.
To cry and later on, cry again.

I am not in love
But when you are silly,
things are possible.
Like how i can write about things that never happened
And how i can make
a joke about silly ice cream
or a cornytto ice cream.

i am not in love
but when i am,
only these things happen:
i wasn't smart enough,
i wasn't dumb,
i was ghosted.

In chronological order.

i had the man that i love on my fingers
but i had to let him go
i needed more than a touch
i had to be held, fully.