I am sick of people asking me
why I am choosing not to have *** again
until I am married
Why do I need to explain myself?
Why do I need to have a reason?
I do not want to be one of those girls
who sleeps with every guy she dates
I am tired of feeling like I am only good enough
to be with if I put out
There is more to me than just my body
My body is not an ingredient you need to add
in whatever half *** relationship you're trying to cook up
My body is not something you test out first
to see if it's actually good or not
I am a person
I am a human being with feelings
I am a woman who is smart
I am funny
I am creative
Don't you want to know who I am as a person?
Don't you want to know what makes me unique?
Why does it always have to be about my body?
I do not want to give myself to someone
who only wants me until someone better comes along
I want to be with someone who loves all of me
I want to be with someone who loves my mind
Who loves my weirdness
Who loves my honesty
and who loves my courage to be myself
I want a man who can feel good with me
without feeling the need to have me naked to do so
The man who can love all of me without hesitation
is the man that deserves to explore my body
He will respect it and still love it
despite all of the changes it will go through
over the years I am alive

I don't mind you staring at me
You see into my soul
You see the parts of me I try so hard to hide
The way you stare at me is intense
You don't blink
You yearn to know more
Every time you look at me
You fall in love with my heart over and over again
You want to know what makes me cry
You want to know what makes me laugh
You want to know all of the things that inspire my writing
You don't care about what's underneath my clothes
You want to know the things that can't be seen with normal eyes
You see all of the ugly parts of me
and you continue to stay
You stay because you love me
You love the real me
The me that only you can see

In high school I was invisible to you
I was the girl you laughed at with your friends
Every time I saw you in the hallways
the hair on my hand would stand
I was self conscious and insecure
because of the mean things you said to me
Now a couple years later
you find me on Facebook and now I'm suddenly pretty
You send me a friend request  out of the blue
with a message reading "hey"
You're on your computer hoping I respond
and here I am feeling like that high school girl
you wished would go away
Knowing this I message you back
asking if you remember me
You type back "no" so I thought I would take the time
to refresh your memory
I send you a photo of myself from high school
my computer doesn't make noise for an hour
After fifteen minutes of waiting
I log off and go take a shower
When I come back and log back on
there is a notification from you
It's a message with the subject "I'm An Idiot"
and I read what you had to say

"I do remember who you are
you are the girl I used to pick on
I made school unbearable for you
I know what I did was wrong
I thought I was someone cool
because I fit in with the cool kids
I had no knowledge of the damage I caused you
I was nothing but a complete *******
I am really sorry for how I treated you
I'm not just saying this to get into your pants
I would really like to get to know you
if not romantically then just as friends
You are really a beautiful woman
I'm ashamed I didn't see that before
I would completely understand
if you don't want me to message you anymore
Please forgive me for my actions
I hope life is treating you well
I am truly sorry
for making your high school experience hell."

I sit in silence for a little bit
going over what I just read
I close my eyes and hold back tears
as I go over everything he just said
I've forgiven this man a long time ago
thinking this day would never happen
Despite the way he used to act
I did have a bit of a crush on him
After thinking of what to write back
I reply

"Yes I forgive ya
but if you really want to make it up to me
you're going to have to buy me pizza."

I used to starve myself for him
I would go days without eating because
I wanted to look like the posters of women in their underwear
he had hanging in his bedroom
I would make excuses as to why I could never
go eat with him at a restaurant
I didn't want him or the world to see me as a pig
I would make myself sick trying to look good for him
My hair wasn't thick anymore
His mom used to make comments about my face sinking in
I had to wear more makeup to cover up the dark circles
that began to form under my eyes
I made sure my arms never jiggled
I didn't care that my hands hurt all of the time
I was able to go without wearing a bra because
my ***** were disappearing
I could see my hip bones perfectly
My thigh gap made me smile
Exercising became addicting and
anything involving weight loss was all that I spent money on
*** was great
I never worried about hurting him while being on top
because I was small
Pregnancy wan't a concern because lack of eating
took away my menstrual cycle
I never felt pretty unless I got his approval
I did everything I could to look good for him
To be good enough for him
Two years of this insane unhealthy roller coaster
only to be cheated on and broken up with before my favorite holiday
I starved myself for him
and still that wasn't good enough

I have been told multiple times that I talk about my mental health issues way too much. I have been accused of sharing my story to gain attention. I have been accused of using my past as a way to get people to feel sorry for me. However, that could not be further from the truth. I talk about my mental health issues openly because I know what it's like to be alone and suffer in silence. I do it for the ones who are struggling and who do not have a voice out of fear of being told to shut up. I am not the one that needs attention. The topic of mental health issues are what needs attention. I do not need anyone feeling sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for me. Everyone goes through some kind of hell in their lives  and my battle with mental health is my hell. The ones who complain about me speaking out are always the ones who get off on telling people to be quiet. They are the kind of people who are ignorant and are so quick to judge issues they know nothing about. I refuse to be silenced. I refuse to let others who are in my shoes to be silenced. I refuse to let negative people get to me. I spent so long living in silence as well as many others trying to cover up the mental health issues in our world today because it makes people uncomfortable. It's time to speak up. It's time to be educated on these issues. It's time to make a difference so we can save more lives.

Today is Self-Harm Awareness Day.
Wear orange to show your support.
To Self Harm survivors thank you for being a constant light
in a world that can be so dark.
To those currently struggling with Self Harm
I want you to know that you are more
than just the cuts and scars on your arms.
You are a warrior
and you have so many people including myself
cheering you on.
You will get through this struggle.
I believe in you.
You are greatness who will one day change the world.
Stay strong!
Keep fighting!
You got this!
I love you!
Sending you a million hugs and more!

Lovely Lady Gaga,
You are so inspiring
and I am so glad that Jesus brought you to this earth
to be an inspiration to so many women around the world.
You are sensational.
Your music and your presence
illuminates love, power, acceptance and courage.
You are the greatest treasure.
Anyone who has the pleasure of meeting you in person
is blessed because their lives with never be the same again.
You are one in a million.
Thank you for being an example of strength and true beauty.
God bless you.
You deserve all of the happiness in the world.