It's three in the morning
I have had the same stomach ache since ten o'clock last night
The pain is so intense I can't move
without feeling my insides turning upside down
Nothing is helping either
Tums are not working
Sprite is not working
A hot bath hasn't helped
I feel like I need to throw up
but that just causes me to have an anxiety attack
Now I am at the point where breathing is so painful
that I hold my breath
Feeling on the verge of tears
I break down and take some medication
Two hours later
Nothing
By now it feels like my intestines are knotted
through each of my ribs
I'm shaking
I'm sweating yet I'm cold
I break down again
I can't take it anymore
I smoke some ****
I light the joint
Take a hit
It hurts to inhale but I need some relief
I take two more hits
Within half an hour my stomach ache is gone
I feel like I am floating in a swimming pool
while wrapped up in a blanket
The shaking has stopped
I can breathe without feeling like something inside of me is tearing
I am so tired
It's amazing how much energy pain can take from you
It feels so good not to be in pain
I finish the joint
I lay on my bed
I allow myself to relax
I'm thirsty but too exhausted to get back up
I fall asleep with relief
hoping to God that this pain doesn't come back

You want to know what I think about when I lie in bed at night?
I think about that nasty break up in 2013
How I was so scared to be alone
because I thought I needed a man to feel whole
How I pushed everyone away
because I was angry at the world for being happy
while I was in a million pieces
How I stopped listening to my favorite band
because every song they wrote just reminded me of memories
I couldn't let go of
How I became a *****
because I did the one thing I promised I would never do

I became bitter
I became unrecognizable
I lost myself in my anger and the jealousy of my cousins hands
touching the body I had seen naked everyday for the last two years
I neglected my poetry because I gave up on feeling
I didn't want to be sad
I didn't want to start over
I didn't want to pick myself up because it hurt too much
I spent days doped up on sleeping pills
I went days without showering
I went days without eating because I didn't care about anything anymore
I was depressed
I became heartless
I became mean
I became selfish
All because of a man
who clearly didn't give a **** about me
I spent months blaming myself
as if it was my fault we were over
I wasn't the one who cheated
I wasn't the one who lied
I wasn't the one who got an STD after ******* the biggest ***** in town
I wasn't the one who almost knocked up my best friends girlfriend
I may have had my share of problems
but none big enough to ruin a relationship

The day I woke up from my bitterness
was the day I realized that through all of the ******* I was feeling
I did not once turn to my past addiction for help
In the past cutting would have been my escape
For the first time in my life
I went through something traumatic
without turning to a razor for support
I started asking myself "what the hell is wrong with you?
Letting a man have all of this emotional control over you
He is just like a razor without the ****** mess."
I became disgusted with myself
I started feeling guilty for hurting all of the people I loved
while I spent months being angry
I hit rock bottom
I was as low as a person could get
and I let myself get that way
In that moment I knew that the only way out of my rut
was to face the things I was hiding from
To deal with the aftermath of the worst break up
I had ever gone through
Only I could get through what was to come
Only I could make the choice to change

As I lie here two years later
thinking of that mess
I can't help but feel blessed
I am so thankful for hitting rock bottom
It forced me to grow up
It forced me to clean up my social life
It forced me to reconnect with myself
It forced me to change my life
It helped me fall in love with writing again
I am more in love with writing now
than I have ever been in my life
What I thought was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me
was in fact the best thing that ever happened to me

Come a little closer
there is nothing to fear
I have been inside you since your birth
I am that tiny voice speaking in your ear
I am not the devil
I am not a ghost
I am not a figment of your imagination
I am a part of your soul
I hold all of your passions
I keep them safe day in and day out
When you feel you have nothing to offer the world
I remind you what I am all about
I am the mother of your talents
I am the father of your challenges
I am the spark in your eye
I am what causes your heart to beat with happiness
I am the thing you fear the most
because you are the only one who can see me
Only you have the power to reach inside yourself
and release me
I am the goosebumps on your arm
I am your purpose here on earth
I am everything you want in life and more
I am your dream
knocking patiently on your door

You are yelling my name
I can hear sirens singing in unison
I try to open my eyes but it hurts too much to try
I am tired
but your voice keeps pulling me away from sleep
I try to move my hands
They feel like they are on fire
Shards of glass are stuck to my fingers
I am cold
I can feel the concrete on my back
I feel hands touching me
I am poked, prodded and given an oxygen mask
My head is throbbing
I try to remember how I got here
but I can't
I finally find the strength to open my eyes
I see my car smashed
A semi truck hit me throwing me from my car
I didn't even see it
I was not prepared to spend my evening lying on the highway
in the dark
I feel myself going in and out of consciousness
I feel your hand squeezing mine begging me to hold on
I want to
God do I want to but it hurts
I see angels
Beautiful angels reaching out their arms
asking me to go with them
I want to but I don't want to leave you
If I go with the angels
all of my pain will go away
If I stay
I will be in agony
I shake my head no to the angels
I can't leave you
The angels disappear
I feel myself being lifted and taken to the ambulance
As paramedics reassure me I will be okay
I grasp your hand as hard as I can
Your hand in mine
is the only thing that doesn't hurt

It hit me today how much I am in love with you
I didn't know I was until you left
You moved to California for a job
and once I got home from dropping you off at the airport
I noticed your laughter was now nothing but an echo
bouncing off the walls that holds conversations we had on Saturdays
where we stayed up all night drinking talking about
every heartache we each suffered in our young lives
When you told me a month ago you were leaving
I was happy for you
I knew how much you wanted to get out of town and
make something out of yourself
I told you that California was lucky to have you because
it was about to get a heart that is full of so much wonder and love
You asked me to go with you
I told you that sometimes friends have to let each other go
I remember you looking sad when I said that
I couldn't understand why you would be sad though
It wasn't until I went into the kitchen to make dinner
I called for you so you could list off ideas on what to eat
After I said your name out loud and you didn't answer
my heart broke
It was then I had flashbacks of every moment we shared together
All of the good and the bad
you were here for everything
When I got stood up on that date last February
you were there to take that idiot's place
so that I wouldn't feel stupid
When I had anxiety attacks
you stayed up until four in the morning
sacrificing sleep for work just to make sure I was alright
When my parents divorced
you were the glue that held my heart together
When I had the flu for a week
you stayed over watching *** In The City with me
in your pajamas while we ate soup that you made from scratch
What got me though was the memory of you and I
sitting outside smoking a cigarette and out of nowhere
you sang that Mayday Parade song "Even Robots Need Blankets"
and I thought you were singing it because
you know how much I love that song but
now that I think about it you were singing it TO me
You were telling me how you felt and I was too blind to see
what was right in front of me
When I came back to reality I had to call you
I went to my bedroom to grab my phone and that's when I found it
I found a plane ticket with a note
The ticket was to California
I opened the note and with shaky hands I read it
It said

"Saying goodbye to you is the hardest thing I could ever do considering how much I am in love with you. I left you this ticket because I can't enter this new chapter in my life without the person who makes me fearless. That person is you. As you read this note I am sitting in the airport waiting to board a flight that I rescheduled. The time I have should match the time on your ticket. I am waiting for you. Please change your mind and come with me."

I checked the time
I had twenty minutes to get to the airport
I grabbed my phone, my purse and my keys to leave for California
with my soulmate before it was too late

I was told today to drop dead
to go away because I am annoying
I went home, shut my bedroom door
and immediately started crying
I've been told these words before
you think they would be easier to hear
Yet every time those words are said
I am consumed by my biggest fears
My emotional scars re-open
revealing a vulnerable part of me I try so hard to hide
I'm taken back to seven years ago
when my only thoughts were of suicide
I don't mean to be annoying
I can't help who I am
I'm sorry I'm not good enough
but there is no way you will forgive me is there?
This is what happens when you care so much
you tend to get hurt
This is why I build up walls
because humans are the worst
So I sit here writing this poem
on my cold bathroom floor
Letting my tears fall down my face
as I try to mend my heart that you just broke

Always being watched even as you're taking a shower
Afraid to turn your lights off at night
because you don't want to know what lurks in the dark
Having encounters with ghosts
who manipulate you into thinking they are alive human beings
Always being attacked by dark forces
because of mistakes your ancestors made in the past
Someone is always bleeding
Someone is always being haunted
Being locked up in an institution
to be experimented on like a guinea pig
Mysteries, curses, deformities
Using spells to keep your loved ones safe
Staying aware of crazy clowns
who get pleasure out of stabbing people for no reason at all
Men with no eyes coming out of mattresses
Suicides
Self mutilation
Mental disorders
***
Romance
****
Psychological thriller
Fantasies
Realities
You start to question your mentality state
when you fall in love with a serial killer
and wish for an innocent victim to die
Facts
Imagination
Your beliefs will be tested
Your religion will be tested
Your loyalty will be tested
Your view of yourself and others who are different from you
will change
Your dreams will be bothered by the fact that pain brings you pleasure
and vice versa
Nightmares
Gore
Survival
Anger
Sadness
Death
Just when you think you have seen it all
it surprises you
Every year the story gets better
Every year is more intense
More creepy
More ****** up
Every year you are mind ****** as you sit on the edge of your seat
I know
I sound really insane however
I will not say I am sorry
It is just another year
in American Horror Story