I took a few pills
in the hope that they would take away my pain
They did for a little bit
they made me so high that I couldn't feel anything
When I awoke the next morning
the pain hit me like a car
So I took a couple more pills
but I didn't get very far
Once the effects of the pills wore off
and there was no more high
The pain got incredibly worse
to the point it made me cry
I took some more of those **** pills
too upset to pay attention to the dose
I never woke up the next morning
I was stuck in a coma
The doctors pronounced me dead
without the breathing machine I wouldn't survive
Yet something inside me said otherwise
causing me to stay alive
I woke up after two days
of living in a comatose dream
The pain came crashing down on me hard
but it felt good to feel something
Once I was able to breathe on my own
the doctors explained to me what had happened
They told me that I had overdosed
as my family stood in the background crying
They asked me question after question
wanting to know why I took the pills
I told them that I didn't know
even though I knew the truth
Life threw me a few curve *****
I wasn't quite ready to catch
I thought the pills would help me
instead the brought me closer to death
The doctors sent me to rehab
a place I had hoped to avoid
I had a chance to change my life
or endure another unplanned suicide
I wasn't sure where to go with myself
I just wanted my **** pills
The pills didn't benefit me
they just made me more emotionally ill
The pain I faced hurt like hell
that is when I missed pills the most
The more I confronted my pain
the more I began to feel like myself
I learned that pills didn't help me at all
they just fed the things that were hurting me the most
My waking up in the hospital wasn't a miracle
it was God's way of giving me the chance to save myself
One year later I found those pills sitting in dust on my shelf
they reminded me of my near death experience
and how much they put me through hell
I flushed those **** pills down the toilet
for a minute I stood still
I never in my life would have thought
that my life would be forever changed by a pill.





This poem is dedicated to the following people:

To the friends I lost due to their addictions with pills and other drugs. I miss you terribly and I wish you were here with me today. I think about you all of the time and my heart stills aches for you all.

To the friends who have overdosed on pills and survived. I am really happy you are here and I am so proud of you for getting the help you need to live your lives to the fullest.

To the friends who are still addicted to pills and other drugs. I really wish you would get help because I miss you, I think you have so much to offer this world and it hurts to know you are wasting your lives hurting yourselves. I love you very much and I always will.

Sleep with me
I don't mean in a ****** way
Lay beside me, spoon me, wrap your arms around me
Hold me so tight that we won't need to use a blanket
because our bodies heat is enough

Eat dinner with me
I don't mean fast food
Sit at a table with me, share an appetizer with me
Order a meal that cost more than my pair of shoes as we drink wine
while pretending there is no possibility of the night ending

Have a conversation with me
I don't mean gossiping about others
Sit in front of me, look me straight in the eyes
Tell me everything your heart desires
so I can listen to your words with passion

Kiss me
I don't mean with tongue
Take my face into your hands
Kiss me so gently that I can feel every goose bump that forms on my body
Kiss me so slow I become so weak in the knees
you will have to catch me and carry me in your arms

Stand in the rain with me
I don't mean allowing yourself to get soaked
Stand in the rain with your arms spread wide
Tilt your head back and feel the chill soak into your veins
giving you a rush as if your life has just been transformed

Go star gazing with me
I don't mean lie on the ground and look up at the sky
Look at every star
See how even in the dark the most beautiful things are found
Let the stars take your breath away
Let your mind wander about all of the things your heart is afraid to open up to
Just think that every choice you made
every step you took
every obstacle you faced brought you to this very moment with me

Dance with me
I don't mean grind on me
Take my right hand into your left
Hold me and spin me around like Cinderella
until I can no longer feel the ground beneath my feet

Love me
I don't mean buy me gifts
Cherish me, appreciate me, make love to me on the living room floor
Do things with me like cooking pasta at 3 am
Ask me about my day
Treat me as your equal
Spoil me by allowing me to spoil you
Don't take me for granted
Continue to treat me just the way you did before you had me
Fall in love with me everyday
just like I fall in love with you

I hate seeing you so sad
Whenever I see you cry
I just want to hold you
until there is no more tears left inside of you
I want to take your heart
Stitch it back together
and prove to you that you can trust me
I want to kiss your scars
I don't ever want you to be ashamed of the battles you fought
I want to fight your demons with you
I want your demons to tear me up
so you don't have to be stressed out
I want to give you the moon
I want to wrap my arms around you
and fill you with love I have been saving just for you
I want to show you the magic
that causes my heart to skip beats whenever I am with you
I want to love you
I want to fight with you
I want to kiss you the moment all of your dreams come true
I want to build a life with you
A life that tells the story of you and me
I want you to be my secret keeper
while I carry your heart next to mine
I want to fall apart in your arms
as I love every inch of you
I want to show you how perfect you are
I want to make you realize how special your soul is
Let me love you the way you deserved to be loved
I promise you won't be disappointed

The combination of depression and anxiety
is a battle that is constantly going on
There is no break from it
they follow me wherever I go
Every day is a struggle
I don't complain because complaining doesn't do ****
I don't talk about it because people don't understand it
I live in isolation because anxiety makes it hard for me to have friends
People don't understand how I can go out one day
but the next day I can't
Some people think it is an excuse to be lazy
When you fight depression and anxiety twenty four hours a day
along with work,
family life,
meeting the responsibilities a twenty three year old like myself has to do,
a love life if your lucky,
school if you go to school
Sometimes the stresses of all of these things put together
exhausts me to the point I have to miss out on important things
to catch up on sleep so I have energy to deal with my disorders

I had to miss work last night
because insomnia kept me up for thirty six hours
My sister took my shift
and I could see in my families eyes they didn't understand
why I was so tired
I went to sleep crying because I felt like a freak
Depression caught me at my most vulnerable
but I was way too tired to fight the strangulation
so I let it strangle me to sleep reminding me why people **** themselves
I am sorry for being so complicated,
I am sorry for being a freak,
I am sorry if I seem rude or lazy
I am not any of those things
I am just really
really
really
exhausted

I live with a roommate who doesn't understand the word space
This roommate is at my work
It follows me to my friend's house
It hovers over me at family get together's
It sleeps with me in bed and accompanies me in the shower
I have named it Annoying because that is what it is
The other day Annoying followed me to a job interview
During the interview Annoying had me so nervous
I was physically shaking and the man interviewing me
would not stop looking at me funny
I was so embarrassed
When I left the interview I walked to the bowling alley
to meet up with my mom and grandma
As I watched my grandma bowl
Annoying sat next to me telling me in my ear how everyone at the bowling alley
was judging me and thinking I was a loser
After bowling the three of us went out to lunch
Seeing all of those people in the restaurant made me want to throw up
It took everything in me to swallow what was coming up
I did it so fast that the swallowing hurt
but I did not want to worry mom and grandma
so I put on a smile and pretended that I was okay
Try hanging out with your friends at a party
Your favorite song is playing
You want to dance
Everyone wants to say hello and give you a hug but
you can't hug anyone because Annoying won't let you
Instead Annoying punches you so hard in the stomach
you have to run to the bathroom to throw up
You're so humiliated and upset
but there is nothing you can do because Annoying is not a person
Anxiety has no face

When I tell you that I am exhausted
I am not over exaggerating
I really am exhausted
I work, run errands, spend time with my family
but that isn't what exhausts me
I live with a disorder that has no respect for me whatsoever
When it creeps up on me
it is unexpected
It wraps it's arms around my neck so tightly that I can't even breathe
When it happens no one knows it is happening except for me
Sometimes the invisible strangulation goes on for hours
Try being in the middle of work when that happens
Try typing on the computer
Try serving drinks
Try cleaning a room with someone's arms wrapped around your neck
not letting you breathe and with every attempt to ignore it
the strangulation gets tighter
What is scary is that it's mental and emotional
I can't do anything about this physically
so I fight the feeling with my mind which is needed for other things
I can't do because the strangulation has my minds full attention
When it finally ends I am left wanting to fall to my knees
and cough until I can catch my breath
If you have ever thought you were drowning
and you struggled to keep you head above actual water
think of the terror you felt
think of the tiredness you felt when you were out of the water
Times that feeling by 100 and that is what if feels like to live with depression

Never stop falling in loves with books
you have read over a million times
Never stop believing in love
even if you are given 1,000 reasons to stop believing in it
Never stop appreciating your family
they may forget to tell you but they truly do love you to the moon and back
Never stop seeing the beauty in everything
because when you do you open doors to negative things that will always leave you sad
Never stop loving those who mean the most to you
for love is the very thing keeping you alive
Never stop being yourself
you may not realize it but people respect you for always being you
Never stop cherishing the moment
you don't want to die missing out on something magical
Never stop speaking out about your depression
continue to show depression who is in control
Never stop making friends
for there are people out there who need a shoulder to cry on
Never stop listening to your heart
no matter how painful your journey is your heart will always guide you to the right place in the end
Never stop being honest
for honesty is rare so be proud to have the courage to speak the truth
Never stop facing your fears and
Never, Ever give up on your dream
for your dream is how you will be remembered when you die