I heard our song on the radio today
as usual it took my breath away
I thought of us kissing and holding hands
as we drove in your car listening to our favorite band.
I started thinking of all the times I cried in your arms
and you made me feel so complete
I think of the times we laid in bed for hours
as we played with each other's feet.
I thought of the summer when we ran to the beach
watching the waves go up with each step we took
I thought of the nights we would spend under the stars
going over the memories in which we made.
I remembered all the kisses we exchanged
and how they always put a smile on my face
I remembered all the times you held me in your arms
because your arms were my favorite place.
I went back in time to remember the stormy night
when the electricity in our city was out
our house was pitch black so we made love like crazy
without having any doubts.
I thought about the day you first told me you loved me
you had my heart beating like crazy
I thought of the summer you went away for awhile
and how I missed you so badly.

Although these memories I was remembering were great ones
they can't make the bad ones we had disappear
the day I lost you forever
was the day you ever caused me to shed a tear.
I began to remember that cop on my door step
telling me you were in an accident
I freaked out in denial
I didn't want to believe that.
They said you were seriously injured
and that you might not make it to midnight
so I grabbed the keys and drove to the hospital
all the while praying you would be alright.
I can still feel the last breath you took the last time I kissed your lips
I can feel the warmth of your hand disappear
as I thought of all the great things you would miss.
I felt your soul leave your body
as I held you in my arms
you went away so peacefully
and that realization is probably what kept me calm.
Going home to the place we once shared
was the most uncomfortable thing I had to do
I asked God "What happens now?"
how did he expect me to live life without you.
With strength and hope I let you go
and at your funeral I thanked you for your love
I looked at the stars the night you died
and I could have sworn I saw your heart from heaven above.

As our song on the radio ends
I feel tears pour out of my hazel eyes
I relive the pain I felt when I lost you
I hate remembering the day you died
I am just so thankful I could be there with you
I perfered you died in my arms instead of alone in a bed
it ***** that you left so suddenly
it's an image I can't get out of my head.
Everyday I hurt a little less
but that doesn't mean I forgot all we have been through
you will always be the love of my life
not a night goes by where I don't where I don't ask God to tell you
how much I truly love you.

Don't ask me to be perfect
just tell me to be me
Don't tell me what a **** up I am
because tears are all you will see
Don't tell me you want me today
then tomorrow go off with some girl you just met
Don't pressure me into marrying you
I'm not ready for that just yet
Don't ask me to change my style
my style isn't what needs to be judged
Whether you like or not as a person
is a type of honesty that will win you hugs
Don't ask me to be happy
when I'm having a very bad day
let me cry and get over myself
my anger will eventually go away
Don't ask me to look like a celebrity
that's a fantasy that won't come true
Don't ask me to change anything
when I'm standing here accepting you
Don't kiss my lips today
just to call me a ***** tomorrow
Don't hold me and tell me how amazing I am
just so you can later call me horrible
Don't give me a gift as a way to kiss my ***
because I will not take it
Don't ever tell me you love me
unless you absolutely mean it.

If you were to walk in my shoes
you wouldn't be able to make it halfway down the block
if you could step into my shoes for one day
you would see that I'm real not just a bunch of talk
you will see that I have suffered
I have been through things hard to believe
and although I get a lot of **** for being myself
I still find the courage to always be me
I've been abused emotionally, verbally and physically
I've been let down and let go
although I have every reason to be mean
kindness is what I try to show
I have been betrayed in ways I can't explain
I've witnessed things a little girl never should
I've been pushed back to be laughed at
but I've moved forward and that's very hard
I've moved so many times
it's caused me to not want to let anybody in
I'm so scared to let my guard down sometimes
because I don't want to be disappointed again
When I'm faithful I get cheated on
when I love I get hated
I stopped wearing my heart on my sleeve
because I could no longer handle being rejected
I don't want anyone's pity
pity makes me weak
I just wish people would shut up for once
just to give me a chance to speak
I may look amazing on the outside
but inside I'm dying
if it's not one thing then it's another
then I fall asleep in bed crying
I can't make anyone understand me
I can't make anyone accept me either
all I'm asking is before you judge me
try to get to know me a little better
One of two things can happen when you meet me
these are choices you make in the end
you can think of me as the fake crazy ***** some people think I am
or you will see that I'm just Mandie
everybody's best friend.

I met a guy two years ago
he became my very best friend
we've been through hell and back together
but it feels like our friendship is coming to an end.
We've told each other things
that we normally keep inside
we've done things together that changed us
but we still stood by each other's side.
We fought, we yelled, we went separate ways
but we always managed to end up in the same place
he's the first person I go to when I'm upset
because he's good at putting a smile on my face.
We've cried, we've fallen but we did it together
we never left each other alone
we went from spending everyday together
to talking every once in a while on the phone.
I have never loved anyone as much as I loved him
it hurts to know he don't and won't ever feel the same way
as I think of all we have been through
I still love him more everyday
I do my best to move on
I spend my days hanging out with friends and laughing
but once I go home I begin to think of him
and I end up going to bed crying.
I've accepted the fact that I'm not the one
as days go by I keep thinking
no matter what I do, no matter where I go
my heart continues to keep breaking.
My life is changed forever
all because of this guy
everyone says I'm better off without him
but he's my best friend and they will never understand why.
I guess I can live without him
it's going to be really hard
I know that it's going to be a rough few days
especially when I fall apart
I have to be as strong as I can be
I have to do what's best for me
if he's meant to be in my life forever
then whatever is meant to be will happen eventually.

I am not a perfect angel.
My hair has a mind of it's own no matter what I do to fix it,
my teeth are not perfectly straight,
I don't have a body like the Victoria Secret models you see in magazines,
I tend to shake when speaking in front of a crowd but put me in front of 50,000 people and tell me to sing and I can do that without any probelms or fear.
I don't like being alone,
I don't like sleeping bt myself,
I smoke cigarettes as a way to stay strong when I'm stressed out,
I don't sleep when I should I find reasons to stay awake,
I take 2 hour showers and sometimes all I do is sit there and cry that way no one can hear me,
I feel safe when I wear something that belongs to a friend,
when I walk that's when I dream about my future,
food is never a priority for me I go days without eating and not even notice,
When I do sleep I fall asleep to a different movie every night to keep me from thinking too much,
my feelings get hurt easy.
music is my drug,
I don't tell anyone my birthday because I don't like it when people make a big deal about the day I was born,
I purposely wake up to sit outside early in the morning just to watch the sun rise,
I collect anything that involves the bands Mayday Parade and One Direction,
I'm always worrying about ******* somebody off,
depression is my struggle,
I got scars that aren't pretty,
I have mood swings you wouldn't believe,
I believe in the impossible,
if i had to give up my heart just so someone could live I would do it without hesitation,
I take love very seriously,
I curse a lot,
I get annoyed when people don't do what I ask them to do,
I don't like being controlled,
and writing is my way of coping with anything good or bad.
I have a hard time letting things go and I sometimes let people walk all over me because I love them too much.
I'm not perfect.
I don't try to be.
I just want to be me.
I want to be loved and accepted for me.

I've been wanting to **** myself for a long time
I just don't have the guts to do it
I've thought of ways to die as I lay in bed at night
but I keep telling myself to forget it
I listen to my heartbeat as I fall asleep
and pray to God that it stops eventually
yet no matter how many times I plead and beg for death
I still waked up to my ****** up reality
I'm waiting for the day I take my last breath
so the world will realize what they lost
I want people to ******* notice I'm hurting
I wish I had a remote that puts the world on pause
I'm walking in circles not getting anywhere
and it is eating away at me like moth's on dead flesh
I sit on my bed with a cigarette in my hand
realizing my time to go hasn't come just yet
I want to rip out my hair
so the ugliness on the inside will show on the outside
I want to scream until my vocal cords rip apart
so I didn't have to speak to another life
I want to throw up everything that eats me alive
I want to stop crying all the time
I want to run away and never come back
that way no one has to hear me whine
I want to stop being so overwhelmed
I want my head to stop huritng
I wish this pain would disappear
I want to stop feeling like I'm constantly dying.

I count how many days you've been gone
and I can't help but cry
I wish every day for you to come back
on every star in the sky
You don't know how much I miss you
I just lay in bed all day
I can't bring myself to take a shower
because of the image in my head of you going away
I talk to you from time to time
but that doesn't make things easier
I wear your t-shirts just to feel closer to you
hoping that will be my broken heart's cure
Yet I still cry
as these thoughts race through my head
I stare at the picture of us
as I fall asleep in my bed
Why does it feel like my heart is breaking
more than it is healing
I guess the pain that I'm feeling
is my only reminder that you were ever real.