I always give that
fickle ***** Life one more chance,
for I love her so.

Within each shattered shadowed soul
a blinding binding light may grow
when tribulation takes its toll
in ways naught but the dying know.
We live eternity each day
aware of what most will ignore,
that in the end we have no say
when ends life's narrow corridor.
An omnipresent spirit's real,
begging that we keep in mind
the gratitude for wounds that heal,
and lead us down our selves to find
what words we whistle in the dark
to walk through fears which leave their mark.

escaping from wherever i am currently is always in my best interest
i am looking for means and venues and opportunities to distract myself
whether it's
boys
video games
youtube
***
running through abandoned girlscout camps in the middle of the night
drinking until my bed feels like an ocean, trying to expel me
i will do it
i will use it
i will bring myself to lows i said i'd never return to
just to make sure you're there
in the background
available to take me away

which sometimes means rough fingers i never asked for
or drunk nights dancing in cages with friends i'll never forget
or walking down winter sidewalks in the middle of the night
or sitting by canals that happy older couples powerwalk along
while my mind tries to run away from a school i never wanted
...trying to make you care if i live or not

every night my parents screamed
every moment god made me feel disgusting
every girl that watched food go from my fork to my mouth
the two men that put their own pleasure above my sanity...

i escape you
through just as evil means
but it is the only way
i know how

all i hear when i look in the mirror is the frivolous, ignorant sentence you uttered in bed one morning
after making love to me (should i call it that?)
"i wish your **** was a little bigger."

it echos in my head when you hold me
when you kiss me, your hand down my pants
when you're on top of me, biting my neck
when you hug my abdomen from your chair.

it's like it's written in my skin now
in the pathways of my neuro-system
after everything i have done to be beautiful in one ******* morning
one ******* night
23 ******* years of standing on the curved backs of billions of other women
struggling to have better anything, better everything
so that you can have more fun while ******* them
after all that
you voice your dissatisfaction with the fact that i am not photoshopped
or surgically altered
as i lay naked in your bed
after you've
"made love to me."

is this a sickness that is nature made?
were you born to be dissatisfied with perfection?
never satiated?
i believed that at least my *** was perfect,
despite chubby arms and a fat stomach.
the one thing i believed desirable
you destroyed
with one sentence.

i hope it is not natural.
i hope the internet
****
reddit
instagram
video games
whatever the ******* look at that makes you treat me like a consumable, customizatable option
taught you this
because i pray that my future son
will never even think to do
what you have done.

forever more
love abides
even in
the dark
lonely places