Repeating patterns from not long ago
Seeing my past as my future self
I can stop I know
I can put it all on a shelf
But that means I have to let you go
Something I’m afraid to do
Love isn’t what this is
I think you know it too

You seemed to care even less
Reckless drinking, driving and snorting whatever you could find
I was a huge mess
You didn’t really mind
Or worry about how I was feeling
I was scared for you
I knew you weren’t dealing
With his death, the loss of a best friend
It still makes me sad, I miss him so much
Right after it happened, then came our end
I remember our last touch
That still makes me sad too

With you I was fading
Sober
You didn't like me as much
You told me that
High or drunk
Was better and I was more fun
So I stayed that way for a year
Trying to please you
Never enough
I'm sober now
Away from your influence and misery
I love myself again
No more of your pain hurting my brain
And heart
Which used to beat for you
Is now only mine
And I can't thank you enough for pushing me away
Because away is the best place I've been

You fed me alcohol for days
Made my heart sick and my head hurt
Lost in the Michigan haze
I loved when you would flirt
With me at your bar
It’s like I was the only one there
Leaving you left a scar
The pain I almost couldn’t bare
We loved so much
At first, like a fairy tale
Then I feared your touch
That’s when I had to bail
Myself out from this drunk love and
heal my heart and head too
I don’t drink anymore
Except when I think of you

I am starting to feel okay
At 23, it’s about time
I finally want to stay
No more thinking of suicide
A way out was always on my mind
But no more I swear
It’s because I find
Joy in little moments I have, this smile I wear
Is real this time around
I’m not afraid to speak up
And make a sound
I can fill up my own cup
I spring out of bed in the mornings I love
The bright sun is my friend
This new happiness fits like a glove
Being okay will never end

One day we will find each other again
Sweetly, I’ll fall into your arms as you catch my heart like a butterfly
For now, I am free
Flying around in the sky
I land on my favorite tree
Kissing flowers as I go by
But soon I will be kissing you
While we both lie
In the meadow of life
Loving, laughing, dreaming of our future
We are together at last

I drink my morning coffee
And look outside at the view
Picturing you beside me
The sun shines through
My coffee is hot and sweet
Comparing it to him
Never bitter or weak
This feeling is new
As much as I don’t want to admit
I guess I’m missing you

You are what I want
He will no longer haunt
My dreams or my thoughts
Being chased
But not afraid
Of being caught

I've been away for a while now
I mean, physically I'm here, sure
But am I?
Are any of us "humans" actually living, existing or whatever we're told to call it?
I've never known what it really feels like to be fully in my human shell
Until I met you
And now you're gone
And it's my fault
Everything's always my fault.

A garden on my arm
I started as a teen
An insect that does no harm
I got tattoos to show my keen
Sense of free-spiritedness
I love my art
My bare arm I won’t miss
It’s just the start
Of my self-expression
Journey to the center

I woke up in Hell
I felt alone
It was a nightmare but I was awake
Endless terror I couldn't escape
You and Jay were the only ones I saw
You both were laughing
Then Jay stayed
I slowly started to disappear
I screamed to you to help me get out
But you kept walking
Angry at me for wanting something
But love is not a want that should be punished
I had given you all of me
The reality was a Hell you created
That you kept me in
Caged in despair
When I finally broke free I realized
The love I needed was with me the whole time
Inside of me I found myself again

Reaching for your hand
You grab mine and squeeze it tight
Loving you is where I always land
Even if it isn’t right
Because I’m not sure how you feel
You might not at all
It’s not right to steal
Someone’s heart as they fall

Healing from your torment
You almost had me
Lost was my sense of self
In agony
Circling inside of my own head
Who am I now?
You had taken it all
Nothing left
I forgive you for the pain
For the year you took away
You were a drug I was addicted to
I'm gonna be okay

Truly thankful
For everything I’ve left behind
For the death of the person I used to be
Thankful for the one I am now
Goodbye old me
Grateful to be healing from the past
Thought it wasn’t possible at all
Because of how many times I would fall
Over and over again
For the same type of life
The same type of guy
I didn’t know happiness could come from within
My soul is whole again

We talked for a little today
The first time in ages
Thinking about your lips
Moving on came in stages
Stage one, I was sad
Then came stage two
It wasn’t that bad
Stage three I thought I’d be okay
I was a little less sad
That’s when I thought I’d say
Something and reach out
Now I guess I’m at four
Not sure what this one’s about
All I know is I’m not sad anymore

I am enamored by your presence
Loving energy flowing from you
You have a calming essence
You are the force pulling me through
Different realms of existence tailor made
Just us two existing through time and space
For what seems like centuries that fade
You disappear without a trace

I’m lying
I think about you every day
And the memories I’m trying
To forget I’ll say
I don’t miss you anymore
But I’m lying

The night you drank too much
I stayed up to watch you breathe
To make sure you didn’t stop
You awoke and began to seethe
I was terrified of your touch
You made my heart drop
Mad at me for not getting sleep
There was nothing more I could give
That time was the last
Leaving was a great leap
Finally able to live
I’m healing from the past

My mom wonders why I try to fix guys
That I’ve been with, “in love”
Is what it starts with
Then I’m left broken and tired
But my mom used to drink
Herself to sleep
She would turn up her tv
To drown out her tears
Drowning in the pain my father gave her
I was 17 when I started
To numb my own hurt
And stopped loving myself
Because I thought my love would fix others
I gave it all away so quickly hoping no one else would feel this pain
Turns out self-love is the remedy
And giving it away to those who don’t reciprocate
Will ultimately lead you to a road
That is dark and dangerous
Like my brain before
I’m growing fond of myself again
Loving every part
Scars, broken hearts
The things we inherit
From our parents
I don’t think they meant
To send it
But it’s here
And I will leave it behind me
For the path I’m on now
Leads to light and elation
Peace is how you get there

Lately I’ve been so mad
Expressing my rage with words
Fighting the one in the mirror
I hate when I see my dad
Cursing at the sky
Then I see the birds
Now my mind is clearer
Like I said, its just words

He fills my heart
To the brim
I love our start
I’m in love with him
Moving slow
Passing notes
He loves me so

Our dry throats
Take a sip
Whiskey breath
Not a drip (left)
So far from death

My sun he’s warm
Radiating love and light
He came into my storm
And made my mind right

Finally as one
I need you here
I don’t need to run
It’s all clear

I’ve never been able to trust
Not a single soul
But with you it’s just
Like I’ve given up control

Why do I still miss someone
Who tortured my soul
Laughed at my misery
Some kind of mystery
I know you are broken
And maybe so am I
But take this as a token
My love did not lie

I look at our old pictures and cry
Sometimes I laugh
Because I was so naive to your lie
My heart you had half
I wanted you to be forever mine
But you didn’t seem to care
Never asked if I was fine
That’s not really fair
All I cared about was your well-being
My own not so much
We’re not meant to be, now I’m seeing
Even though I craved your touch
I still do

Longing for you
Our first kiss was magic
Do you long for me too?
If not, how tragic
Our souls bind
Together at last
Only in my mind
That dream was too fast

Your hazel eyes and these hazy skies
Our bodies intertwined tightly
This love was a surprise
How can I ask politely
For you to be mine?
I’m talking forever
Once the stars align?
Let me know whenever
But maybe the sooner the better

I remember hurting when you hurt
Laughing when you laughed
I saw sadness in your eyes
But purity in your heart
I don’t think you meant to do what you did
I forgive you for the pain
And I thank you for being there when you were
I know I left in a hurry
But I could feel you slipping away again
Drugs were your good friend
And I couldn’t win

I want to watch with you
The beautiful sunrise
With violet hues
And cotton candy skies
You can hold my hand
We can talk about life
Wondering how we got so lucky
To catch these ethereal views
I reach for your grasp
Then I remember I’m alone on this mountain
Just dreaming of you

You weren’t hard to love
You made me feel like I was
But you were hard to leave
It still hurts, it does
But I’m starting to heal now
The memories are slowly fading
Slowly but surely I’m forgetting you
But I do miss when we started dating
We had so many good times
A lot of bad too though
Those ones I won’t forget for awhile
They make me feel so low

Look at yourself and smile
Say out loud what you love
Do it for a while
Amazed by what you think of?
You are alluring and astute
You just have to believe it
Your self-love will be absolute
Like your charm and your wit
It may be hard at first
A little practice goes a long way
Remember when you felt the worst?
Don’t ever forget this day
When you started to see
And look in the mirror
A beautiful human wanting to be
Able to see yourself clearer

I knew it was over when I felt lonely with you
Always worrying if we were gonna make it
I wonder if you worried about that too
Beer and cigarettes is what I would get
To cope with the fear of losing my best friend
You really were my favorite guy
I never wanted us to end
Kinda wish I never said hi
But it’s over now
I guess for the best
I’ve been moving on, not sure how
I miss sleeping with my head on your chest

And then there was you
In the chaos my light
The warmth from your skin
Urges we fight
Taking things slow
Watching us grow
Together

Depressed, anxious, manic
The three that used to win
But don’t panic
Mental illness is not a sin
For it isn’t your fault
You didn’t have a head start like most
These three will come to a halt
One day when you’re ready
To let go of old pain
Don’t let it leave a stain
On your heart or your brain

The forgetting of you
Is so hard to do
I loved you the day we met
Except you didn’t I bet
That’s why it didn’t last
A year went by fast
I broke your heart
Where do I start?
Letting you go is what I should do
I’m breaking my own heart too

Trying to explain the feeling
Is a waste of breath
It could be my last one
I sometimes wish it was

Running from my self
Circling around in Hell
Chased by “demons”
Perhaps my imagination conjured up
Some grim reapers and a flowery, thorn-filled trellis
That was a gateway into another world
I was running towards you in the darkness
No shoes in the snow, I was so cold and numb
Chasing a light that I could barely see
Terrified by what I was hearing
I was alone on a Michigan street
Some thought I was a *******
Waiting to be picked up
A victim of a bad time
But I just wanted to go home
I got into some guy’s car
Luckily a good-hearted soul
A God-send he let me in
Warmed my feet and let me go
Home

Memories I’ve suppressed for years are creeping up again
No wonder I’m like this
Sometimes I feel I won’t be missed
Do I want to be?

My eyes no longer glazed
Clarity is coming back
I know I don’t seem fazed
But it’s hard to stay on track
One month doesn’t seem long
But you should be proud
Your demons are wrong
But why are they still so loud?

To be sober
Is to see and feel everything
The way it should be felt
Awake and hydrated by the sun and air
Clean feeling able to rest
Regularly
Balanced
Laughing, crying, loving
Found
And full of love
Excitement arises
Because I am sober

The desolate, dark forest
My brain used to be
Is now so bright and lovely
I’ve come really far
Healing, breathing again
Forgiving and forgetting
Pain, destruction and loss
Are now in the past
I’m glad those didn’t last
A garden of buoyancy and light
Peaking through, breaking away
All of the noises and bad moments
So happiness can stay

Almost 4 years have passed
Since our first meeting
I wish I could rewind back
To that first greeting
We would kiss, cuddle and laugh I bet
Three things that I lack
If only time worked like that
Just let me go to that one night
The first one and the last
I just wanna chat
And skip the fight
That seemed to end things so fast

Can I forget about the good memories
And move on with my mind
My heart would have free space
Why do I have to be so kind
To lost souls who need love
I give it away so easily, quickly
It’s all that I can think of
Because I don’t like to see people hurt
And I feel I can help them heal
Something I must assert
Is that I also need love back
At least a little will do
I need to get back on track
And love myself too

I do often wonder what would happen if
Today was the end
If tomorrow never came
If yesterday was a distant memory
I question if
What I'm experiencing will mean something someday
For now I'll stay curious and wait for my questions to be answered
In hopes for some form of clarity

You make me feel warm
Craving your touch
Love in some form
I no longer use a crutch
Or put up my walls
Trusting what’s above
You touched my heart
And made me see colors again

I often dream of you
Us having fun, happy as can be
Our friends around us too
The one we lost we finally see
I awake and become sad
Because that used to be reality
I don’t feel too bad
I left for many reasons, in actuality
I needed room to breathe, to be free
Loving me seemed like a chore
Was it hard to love me?
I feel like I loved you more

Rotting away in this prison cell
Can't escape my personal hell
I don't feel I'll ever leave
Can't remember when I entered
Who is this face looking back at me?
It doesn't seem to know either