Repeating patterns from not long ago
Seeing my past as my future self
I can stop I know
I can put it all on a shelf
But that means I have to let you go
Something I’m afraid to do
Love isn’t what this is
I think you know it too

With you I was fading
Sober
You didn't like me as much
You told me that
High or drunk
Was better and I was more fun
So I stayed that way for a year
Trying to please you
Never enough
I'm sober now
Away from your influence and misery
I love myself again
No more of your pain hurting my brain
And heart
Which used to beat for you
Is now only mine
And I can't thank you enough for pushing me away
Because away is the best place I've been

I am starting to feel okay
At 23, it’s about time
I finally want to stay
No more thinking of suicide
A way out was always on my mind
But no more I swear
It’s because I find
Joy in little moments I have, this smile I wear
Is real this time around
I’m not afraid to speak up
And make a sound
I can fill up my own cup
I spring out of bed in the mornings I love
The bright sun is my friend
This new happiness fits like a glove
Being okay will never end

One day we will find each other again
Sweetly, I’ll fall into your arms as you catch my heart like a butterfly
For now, I am free
Flying around in the sky
I land on my favorite tree
Kissing flowers as I go by
But soon I will be kissing you
While we both lie
In the meadow of life
Loving, laughing, dreaming of our future
We are together at last

I drink my morning coffee
And look outside at the view
Picturing you beside me
The sun shines through
My coffee is hot and sweet
Comparing it to him
Never bitter or weak
This feeling is new
As much as I don’t want to admit
I guess I’m missing you

You are what I want
He will no longer haunt
My dreams or my thoughts
Being chased
But not afraid
Of being caught

I've been away for a while now
I mean, physically I'm here, sure
But am I?
Are any of us "humans" actually living, existing or whatever we're told to call it?
I've never known what it really feels like to be fully in my human shell
Until I met you
And now you're gone
And it's my fault
Everything's always my fault.

A garden on my arm
I started as a teen
An insect that does no harm
I got tattoos to show my keen
Sense of free-spiritedness
I love my art
My bare arm I won’t miss
It’s just the start
Of my self-expression
Journey to the center

Reaching for your hand
You grab mine and squeeze it tight
Loving you is where I always land
Even if it isn’t right
Because I’m not sure how you feel
You might not at all
It’s not right to steal
Someone’s heart as they fall

Healing from your torment
You almost had me
Lost was my sense of self
In agony
Circling inside of my own head
Who am I now?
You had taken it all
Nothing left
I forgive you for the pain
For the year you took away
You were a drug I was addicted to
I'm gonna be okay

Truly thankful
For everything I’ve left behind
For the death of the person I used to be
Thankful for the one I am now
Goodbye old me
Grateful to be healing from the past
Thought it wasn’t possible at all
Because of how many times I would fall
Over and over again
For the same type of life
The same type of guy
I didn’t know happiness could come from within
My soul is whole again

I am enamored by your presence
Loving energy flowing from you
You have a calming essence
You are the force pulling me through
Different realms of existence tailor made
Just us two existing through time and space
For what seems like centuries that fade
You disappear without a trace

The night you drank too much
I stayed up to watch you breathe
To make sure you didn’t stop
You awoke and began to seethe
I was terrified of your touch
You made my heart drop
Mad at me for not getting sleep
There was nothing more I could give
That time was the last
Leaving was a great leap
Finally able to live
I’m healing from the past

Lately I’ve been so mad
Expressing my rage with words
Fighting the one in the mirror
I hate when I see my dad
Cursing at the sky
Then I see the birds
Now my mind is clearer
Like I said, its just words

I want to watch with you
The beautiful sunrise
With violet hues
And cotton candy skies
You can hold my hand
We can talk about life
Wondering how we got so lucky
To catch these ethereal views
I reach for your grasp
Then I remember I’m alone on this mountain
Just dreaming of you

Asking for a sign
Got your message
Then I replied
Met up
And fell in love again
What do we do now
I don’t know but
Please
Stay

Look at yourself and smile
Say out loud what you love
Do it for a while
Amazed by what you think of?
You are alluring and astute
You just have to believe it
Your self-love will be absolute
Like your charm and your wit
It may be hard at first
A little practice goes a long way
Remember when you felt the worst?
Don’t ever forget this day
When you started to see
And look in the mirror
A beautiful human wanting to be
Able to see yourself clearer

Trying to explain the feeling
Is a waste of breath
It could be my last one
I sometimes wish it was

Running from my self
Circling around in Hell
Chased by “demons”
Perhaps my imagination conjured up
Some grim reapers and a flowery, thorn-filled trellis
That was a gateway into another world
I was running towards you in the darkness
No shoes in the snow, I was so cold and numb
Chasing a light that I could barely see
Terrified by what I was hearing
I was alone on a Michigan street
Some thought I was a *******
Waiting to be picked up
A victim of a bad time
But I just wanted to go home
I got into some guy’s car
Luckily a good-hearted soul
A God-send he let me in
Warmed my feet and let me go
Home

Memories I’ve suppressed for years are creeping up again
No wonder I’m like this
Sometimes I feel I won’t be missed
Do I want to be?

My eyes no longer glazed
Clarity is coming back
I know I don’t seem fazed
But it’s hard to stay on track
One month doesn’t seem long
But you should be proud
Your demons are wrong
But why are they still so loud?

To be sober
Is to see and feel everything
The way it should be felt
Awake and hydrated by the sun and air
Clean feeling able to rest
Regularly
Balanced
Laughing, crying, loving
Found
And full of love
Excitement arises
Because I am sober

The desolate, dark forest
My brain used to be
Is now so bright and lovely
I’ve come really far
Healing, breathing again
Forgiving and forgetting
Pain, destruction and loss
Are now in the past
I’m glad those didn’t last
A garden of buoyancy and light
Peaking through, breaking away
All of the noises and bad moments
So happiness can stay

I do often wonder what would happen if
Today was the end
If tomorrow never came
If yesterday was a distant memory
I question if
What I'm experiencing will mean something someday
For now I'll stay curious and wait for my questions to be answered
In hopes for some form of clarity

You make me feel warm
Craving your touch
Love in some form
I no longer use a crutch
Or put up my walls
Trusting what’s above
You touched my heart
And made me see colors again

Rotting away in this prison cell
Can't escape my personal hell
I don't feel I'll ever leave
Can't remember when I entered
Who is this face looking back at me?
It doesn't seem to know either

I’m all yours
Forever or however
Long you want
To be mine
We can be happy
Together