I wonder what it’s like to dream...
What is it like...?
To dream anything but static.
It’s the kind of sadness where your rib cage
And twists and
Depression doesn’t float through my veins
It crawls through my bones, with dagger hands
And winding movements.
I cannot breathe.
And yet there was nothing taken from me.
But then again you took everything all at once the moment you looked in my eyes, covered my mouth and forced me down.
I don’t know why your smell still lingers in my every thought.
I’m not scared anymore.
I said I’d do things...
Complete tasks essential to us moving forward.
This is how my depression sings.
And it dances as a 3 tonne black ball cowering in the middle of my bed.
I am crushed
And I am so sorry that I haven’t done as promised.
I will get better.
I am swallowed whole...
And immediately squashed
By the unrelenting truth
That I am
A f a i l u r e.
I twist and scream but
I am in pain.
It’s disheartening and debilitating to come to the realisation that yes...
I want to die
At the very least hurt myself severely.
And I am ashamed.
Sick to my stomach because that thought should never cross my mind
But I’m stuck here day in and day out
With it dancing across my frontal lobe taunting me.
‘Dying would be a delight’.
Impenetrable prison bars line my serotonin and dopamine deprived brain.
And the straight jacket I’m in steals my ability to break my bones to drown out the silence.
‘I always wanna die. I always wanna die’.
Everything is dark.
And everything hums with white noise.
I am buried six feet down in sadness
I wonder if the wind will blow soon, and carry away the weight of my mind.
Or serotonin will flood this hole I’m stuck in.
At least I’ll die happy
With delicate, yet awkward, fingers
I edge my way down my throat
And loosen the cut you made on my neck.
Nails crawl through my flesh
until I hear the strum of my failing violin, cat gut, vocal chords.
An ear drum bursting TWANG;
Reminiscent of the s c r e a m s
You forced from my bones.
My body reticulates around the thought of your
Gaze pounding down my spine.
You’ve buried your way into my skin,
A burdensome parasite I can’t shake, or dig out.
Despite the number of nails I break
And bones I dislocate.