I once was a stone pilar in the middle of a plateau,
And I was everything for everyone.
But right now I’m at the top of a lighthouse,
Stranded in the middle of the deepest ocean.
And all those that care for me...
Are ships lost at sea.
soon, I promise I’ll find my way back to land.
I’ll know what earth feels like again,
Without being eroded by rough swell.
I’ll be everyone’s everything.
And I’ll stand strong and tall,
As a beacon once more.
You swore you wouldn’t hurt me,
And I swear the ache in my bones is all your fault.
Or maybe it’s mine?
For giving in too easily,
For giving you too much of my heart.
And you know I’m terrified of drowning,
But this silence is consuming me.
Swelling my lungs.
This keeps happening,
Like the sun sets and the waves crash...
People keep leaving me.
I’m not cold I’ve just been shaking since you got home.
you told me I wasn’t enough
“if you ever thought I didn’t see being with you for the rest of my life, you’d be wrong”
Everything you do makes me feel like I’m not enough, which means that every single day I ache. And you will never experience that.
“You’re so beautiful, Madeline”
Remember when this was supposed to be forever?
The realisation of knowing you’re gone and what we had is forever over, will always sting and ache always.
We can start over again
You were meant to be my forever.
Do I deserve high praise?
Or to just get high?
Maybe we got it wrong
For all those years.
Lost and abandoned;
But not broken nor breaking.
I would let my demons consume me
If it meant that you would be better.
I would let you eat my heart
If it took away your loneliness.
And I would set myself on fire every single day
If it meant that I could hold you
o n e. l a s t. t i m e.
I imagine you holding me,
While I sit and stare at the stars, for hours.
And you watch and smile
While my eyes hold the universe,
And your eyes carry the sunrise.
And I'm so glad I
Stayed around for this.
"I'd like to see if you'd watch the stars or my face tbh."
"I'd be torn between the two, but you're more beautiful."
I thought I was dreaming when you said you loved me.
You uttered I was a fantasy...
The whole world unravelled and gave way beneath me,
Revealing a colourful universe.
A world I fell in love with.
But now you’re gone...
And you don’t love me anymore.
And I am lost...
Sunk back into the darkness.
Like a wardrobe filled with too much ****,
The door that leads to you
Won’t shut, jammed by memories,
And of the constant need of you.
So I’ll leave it like that,
And let parts of you seep out
And swirl around me forever.
Your love was like a light switch in my head,
You know the one where it’s taped up to stay on?
The bulb blew sometimes
But you always ******* another one back in.
Your love made my world so bright,
Gave me clarity and warmth.
But eventually the tape fell weak,
Peeled off and curled up without me realising,
And a chilling storm ripped through my mind.
Flipped the switch, shattered the bulb.
And I grew cold with the rain.
Shivered so much I fell asleep,
But when I woke
I couldn’t flip the switch again.
The light was gone and
You didn’t love me anymore.
You could’ve left me at the altar.
It could be worse than this.
Despite my heart dripping through
My broken rib cage...
It could be worse than this.
One day of feeling like I’m being
Crushed and flattened into mud.
But it’s okay,
Because I refuse to be worse than this.
I’m getting better. I’m healing. And I’m finding myself and self esteem and self love again.
Everyone always leaves.
What is it about me that is so wrong?
My heart strangles my throat,
I cannot breathe.
Take my body back underground,
Let this broken flesh rot from my bones.
Let me start again.
Maybe I’ll be born once more,
And people will stay.
Or maybe I’ll be born again,
More powerful than ever before.
I feel so small and unimportant.
Maybe I was never meant to be more than a fleeting thought.
A disappearing memory; a false attempt at love,
A stepping stone in the direction of anyone else.
There are so many ‘maybes’ filling my tear ducts to the brim.
Like maybe you didn’t love me,
Maybe this is how I’ll finally drown.
Suffocated by my own tears,
And ripped apart by your emptiness.
Maybe .n.o.t.h.i.n.g. is all we were ever meant to be.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you please please please stop stabbing me in the ribs?
I used to be comfortable with the idea of loneliness,
And for the most part welcome it as normal.
Solitude was my high ground
And I didn’t need anyone.
Self sufficient, functioning.
I was strong.
But then you showed me it didn’t have to be that way.
I didn’t have to ‘survive’ alone.
I wasn’t an outcast.
I wasn’t alienated.
I was loved.
And could love.
You showed me that I could be accepted.
And then you left.
And loneliness is so terrifying.
And I am so scared.
When will loneliness become the norm again.
When will this pain end.
Why wouldn’t you stay.
My skull is like the sides of a pin ball machine lined with thoughts of you leaving, pain, loneliness, sadness, and crippling nausea.
And I’m constantly bashing the buttons on the side so my brain doesn’t hit the walls or rest at the bottom of the tray.
So my brain doesn’t fall to the end and I run out of credits.
I don’t know.
It feels like I’m floating in limbo
Wrapped in barbed wire
Watching you tug the end
As you walk away.
I am waiting. I am aching.
I need to know if you’re working on this too.
Because yesterday was my last day and I’ll be better from now on.
I hope you’ll love me, from now on.
Whoever thought butterflies had such
strong, strangling h.a.n.d.s.
I watched the darkness leak
Into your eyes
As your skin found mine...
I am tortured by the silent way
You crawled into my head
And decided to stay.
Tell me what you see?
The sound of bones cracking;
The screaming sensation of skin tearing
Is too much of a comfort.
Are we alone now?
Are we in love now?
Newly found lost poems
I’m going to watch you walk away from me one day
And the world will flatten, finally.
And I think I’ll let the ocean
Take me that day...
And I think I’ll let you be the end of me.
I’ve been thinking about drowning again.
But I’ve found home in the nape of your neck.
I’m still scared.
I wonder what it’s like to dream...
What is it like...?
To dream anything but static.
It’s the kind of sadness where your rib cage
And twists and
Depression doesn’t float through my veins
It crawls through my bones, with dagger hands
And winding movements.
I cannot breathe.
And yet there was nothing taken from me.
But then again you took everything all at once the moment you looked in my eyes, covered my mouth and forced me down.
I don’t know why your smell still lingers in my every thought.
I’m not scared anymore.
I said I’d do things...
Complete tasks essential to us moving forward.
This is how my depression sings.
And it dances as a 3 tonne black ball cowering in the middle of my bed.
I am crushed
And I am so sorry that I haven’t done as promised.
I will get better.
I am swallowed whole...
And immediately squashed
By the unrelenting truth
That I am
A f a i l u r e.
I twist and scream but
I am in pain.
It’s disheartening and debilitating to come to the realisation that yes...
I want to die
At the very least hurt myself severely.
And I am ashamed.
Sick to my stomach because that thought should never cross my mind
But I’m stuck here day in and day out
With it dancing across my frontal lobe taunting me.
‘Dying would be a delight’.
Impenetrable prison bars line my serotonin and dopamine deprived brain.
And the straight jacket I’m in steals my ability to break my bones to drown out the silence.
‘I always wanna die. I always wanna die’.
Everything is dark.
And everything hums with white noise.
I am buried six feet down in sadness
I wonder if the wind will blow soon, and carry away the weight of my mind.
Or serotonin will flood this hole I’m stuck in.
At least I’ll die happy
With delicate, yet awkward, fingers
I edge my way down my throat
And loosen the cut you made on my neck.
Nails crawl through my flesh
until I hear the strum of my failing violin, cat gut, vocal chords.
An ear drum bursting TWANG;
Reminiscent of the s c r e a m s
You forced from my bones.
My body twists around the thought of your
Gaze pounding down my spine.
You’ve buried your way into my skin,
A burdensome parasite I can’t shake, or dig out.
Despite the number of nails I break
And bones I dislocate.
My ribcage aches again,
Throbs as I tumble down the mud riddled *****.
It’s getting dark again and I’m losing my mind.
Where is Home?
The soft sweet comfort of knowing I am safe?
Safe from myself.
I am in pain.
Maybe I’m just empty space...
Sinking into this nameless,
You and I.
You. And I am damaged.
I’ll rip myself apart and scrape the dust together,
Maybe I’ll build myself from the ashes...
Or maybe the wind will tear through this canyon again.
I live in a depth you don’t want to understand.
You and I.
You don’t say you love me anymore.
Positive thoughts are packaged with depressing discouraging chants in a plastic punnet.
I don’t know how to cope with that...
So to satisfy the thirst of my ever dangling drought of accomplishment,
I jam the thoughts in a blender on top speed.
Wait for the deafening swirl of the blades to stop,
And I lap up the monotonously foul “you are going no where’s”
With the chewy chunks of “you got out of bed, welldone’s”,
Slump back into a rotting pine chair,
And I glide through the emptiness.
Hiya, I’ve missed this
You never made me happy.
Though you heard me say it, you never made me happy; not once... not ever.
Instead what you heard was falsities...
A lie, a mask, a good ******* play at ‘happy families’.
You never made me happy.
I lived in a bubble of illness and not the kind I could see a doctor for.
I painted masks across my face for you, sung a sweet lullaby of ‘I’m peaceful in this second’.
But in that second you were suffocating me, boxing me, moulding me, caging, controlling,
Ensuring I wouldn’t leave.
An exuberant ‘I’m happy’ should’ve translated more appropriately to ‘I want to die and be reborn’.
You made me sick and I wanted to die.
I am reborn.
My life is like quicksand,
I continuously sink slowly,
Kick and drag myself up high enough just to gulp at air.
Then follows the slow descent.
I'm unsure of what's at the bottom
But my toes have tickled it a few times
Then the beast bellows and laughs,
Sending tsunami waves through the sand;
I roll like a ship about to be taken under by fierce swell.
Sometimes I think the quicksand is encased in my skull...
Sometimes I think the depths of the quicksand settle on the top of my spinal cord.
Sometimes I think I'm numb from the corrosive vibrations of the sludgy water-sand mix:
Jamming my nervous system, rusting it over.
But then the memory of pressure of your hand around my neck
Makes me forget the metaphor of the sand
And the make-believe depression.
And the blood in my nose, that drips and drys and repeats itself daily
Exists because you forced my head against the wall so many times.
Razors are not a comfort they are a fear and I still cough them up from my lungs.
I realise you are not terrifying
I realise that you do not own my life
You do not decide that I am real or fake or suffering.
I realise that you are only a scar
That I am slathering oils and remedies over
In order to make the red fade.
I realise that I am so *******
H A P P Y
One year on;
And I have overcome your disease,
Dislodged your putrid fangs,
Healed, cured myself...
Found a real person
Who knows how to love me
And teach me to love me.
I always thought quicksand would be a much bigger problem in my real life. Turns out it's a problem in my mind. This is a purge of a lot of things that have been mulling. So enjoy?
Muse bares its teeth, snarls, snaps, rips the head back…
Chewing through the spinal cord and lapping up the brain fluid.
An image not so commonly played in the desert mind, riddled with mirages.
Empty and lost searching for new meat, left starving and dishevelled,
There is nothing new here, battling with the repetitive beat of ancient drums;
Beats making no sound, only vibrations that rattle the ribcage dripping rotten flesh.
My boyfriend is helping to get back into the rhythm of writing again so he gave me 20 minutes to write absolutely anything down, nonsense or not. And after arguing with him for 10 minutes (wasting half of my time and doubting myself like crazy) what you see before you is what emerged.
I retch, I retch and I retch and retch and I cannot dislodge the salt of your sweat on my neck. Like a curse, it has rooted its way into my pores and poisoned my veins. The searing pain of stomach acid in my mouth
I'll finish this when my life isn't a big old mess and I have some spare time. Thought I'd post just to let everyone know I'm alive and kicking furiously still.
Welcome mad scientists, friends, lovers with dismembered heartstrings, ghosts, rain drops, dreamt-up-star-children and perhaps child geniuses.
This is chaos.
My soul has been observing people for centuries.
I am an empath.
Im still alive, still kicking, stressed the **** out but happier than I've ever been.
I am quivering
At the little lumps
That have appeared.
And I am terrified
Death; will have us beautifully
Rotting, morphing, transforming
Into a dripping, bloodless
Enemy of life.
I've never been afraid of feeding worms
Only holding their slime encased bodies
Out of the sheer thought of hurting their
Extravagant ability to care for the earth...
A trait humans don't feel in their fingernails.
I might lose my hair
But I've been collecting dress-up wigs
Since I was a baby girl playing dolly,
Dressing as the fairy queen princess who ruled the world.
I might lose my hair,
But I'm afraid of fighting this alone.
Solitude was the perfect cup of warm tea
And a fluffy blanket on a stormy day...
And now it has me shivering out of my skin.
I have transformed since our last
I have grown this ever brightening light
And I am learning so much about me...
Too much perhaps...
Too much and not enough about
These two little lumps.
I cannot help but immediately think the worst. It's probably nothing but I'm seeing a doctor on Friday.
I sat in bed
With my monsters
Taunts in my head.
We play at the
Bottom of a lake
Making lists of
All the ways I'm
Going to drown.
I had a dream last night,
You were there but without a face like usual.
We stood atop a cliff,
I stood too close to the edge like usual.
I recall a deafening silence bouncing off the waves.
You couldn't hear them bash against the rocks.
I turned my back upon the sun,
Setting deep into its routine slumber.
I faced your faceless face and I spoke softly,
Loud enough to break apart the silence;
Like great claps of thunder,
'Tell Mum I fell'.
You didn't flinch when
I stepped backwards;
2 steps too far.
Maybe we'll see.
You make me want
I want to destroy the world around me
And find comfort in the pain.
I need you to rip my lungs out
And give me hell.
I'm getting bad again,
Yet all I can think about is
Keeping your head above water.
I yearn for the burn of a
Rusty blade making
Metallic love to my cursed skin.
I want to save you more than I want to live.
You seem so... pertrified
Quivering in familiar surroundings.
Spinning; you fall unaware
Of your lungs collapsing.
I hear the bells chime...
I know it's the end.
This was never your fault.
Sitting stagnant deep
Within the volcano's heart,
Keeping a sacred soul rhythm,
Clutching starving hands;
My breath strangling their lungs.
As I erupt
I wonder how many
Souls I break
With the tree roots I rip from underneath them.
I wonder how much suffering
Triggers a beautiful
R E B I R T H.
I don't have a pulse.
A silence sits inside my pressurized skull,
So loud and so deafening that the monsters
Dwelling in my ears cannot hear the world scream.
I mourn the death of things
Before they are lost.
I've built gravestones for relationships
Prior to them having the slightest itch to melt away.
Rigor Mortis settles into my heart
I sit frozen and stiffened
Waiting for a world around me to deteriorate.
I anticipate the last breath to escape our lungs
With a whisper of "goodbye".
I have pulled myself apart to put you back together.
Potent; iridescent and
Muffled like the white noise
Of a radio warning broadcast,
30 years after nuclear WAR.
Other worldly and distorted.
I am fascinated;
Drawn to you as if
A moth to a flame.
This is merely a reflection.
Swinging back and forth,
I am coming undone
Dragging my chained brain around.
How dusty, how dark,
Like concrete shoes,
My brain sinks
In a vast and vicious
It's been months and months of writers block and a boring, colourless, bland life. I'm sorry for this writing and to myself.
You are my shipwreck,
I am your siren,
It's an uneasy game I play
Dragging you down to the depths...
Dragging you down to your death.
I always get lost
Looking for something to open my eyes;
I've never really been awake.
Swearing to hurt anyone
Tries to **** me...
Do those same rules apply
When I try to **** myself
In your ******* black hole eyes.
The galaxy has been filling me
For years and you find
Beauty in my stone cold shell encasing.
Maybe we should wait and see.
"Give me time."
I hope your favourite sound
Is the dah-dum
Of my heart beat drum...
I love you.
Dizzy and melting in the moonlight
That shone right through me.
A world picking up pace;
Spinning faster than ever before
And off its axis gravity let go;
But your heart beat stopped
For the first time in a while
It slowed and the thoughts
Ran out after moving faster than
A thousand miles a minute
For too long.
For too long
You've been bashing the cages in my mind
Disassembling structures I never thought would break
and instead of bleeding...
Each time we touch
another part of your insanity
Is carved into my skin...
I'm shaking but its exciting
Let me defuse you
With the venom in my tongue.
You said you love me,
At the same time you
Swallowed razor blades.
Demanding that you died
Everytime we kissed.
You found the poison pulsating
Through my blood stream.
It leaked from my tongue
And you S W O R E I couldn't
Undo your beautiful masterpiece
At speeds quicker than the sound of light
And amounts larger than your universe;
The one you speak so fondly of.
As a wild fire burns from a minuscule spark;
Going up in flames... we are
D I S A P P E A R I N G.
I left the page blotted with ink,
Obscure shapes and a vivid mental image
Of your beautiful face.
I scratched the self help CD
you left on the bench as I cried myself to sleep that night;
A year ago.
It came with a book
But I burnt it after I threw my glass of ***** at the wall.
Your face burns my mind
Like the bitter way you were scared to kiss my tongue.
You weren't sick but you were tired.
And how could I blame you for not being able to fix me?
Was I ever really broken?
I remember the first time I met you,
The first time you spoke my name, you choked.
I still feel the first kiss on the back of my throat like
A bad after taste I can't drown.
The first night I saw you naked;
I had cried into your shirt only an hour before.
I have never seen skin shine like yours does.
Emitting a ray of blood curdling beauty.
The thought makes me sick
But do you think you could
Come over for a while...
Get drunk like we used to
And forget what happiness is?
I have no ******* idea what this is ha
There is an ugly dance the sun will do,
Right across the skin I've loved
And night after night.
As I watch the steam
Crawl and slither home toward the moon
I wonder how much longer
These rhythmic hearts will last
Gulping and scratching for eternities;
Sewn and as one.
I don't know.
Insanity is such a playful word
I want to extract each of your teeth
To play the most iconic drum beats of all time.
Make snarled rhythm out of your body
One. Last. Time.
Underneath the howling moonlight
We made love to.
And you sat shivering.
Insanity holds such ambiguity that it's ready to burst.
So intense as it sits stinging you like bees
Watching you H. U. R. T.
Or leaving you laughing at strange.
I guess what we have is insanity
That it is driving me off the edge
And keeping me together all the same.
????? Snarled was supposed to say senseless but autocorrect got in the way and I like it better.
I want to break these dice,
There's not chances anymore;
Only the restful slumber of drowning.
I'm not going swimming
But my own ******* heartache is swallowing me
Whole; and I am not whole.
Not now, not anymore.
And you still love me,
You haven't even left
And that's an admirable thing
Because I'm ******* nuts
And I'm thankful.
This distance is forever widening
Giving birth to more space between us
Weakening the strands of a paper thin
Tight rope we situated our love on.
About to snap and you don't feel a thing.
Your love has changed;
People leave huge
Holes in your spine.
But flowers die,
For one heartwarming
An empty skull;
Suffocating... thoughtless breaths.
Trembling feet as I walk among the dead,
Are you afraid?
What a throne I slouch upon.
My notebooks a mess, let's face it.
Do I or don't I?
It's a double edged sword
And I'm cutting myself with both sides.
It's a comfortable torture,
Which is horrifying in itself.
Tonight I dance with self inflicted silence
Again; and I forget to breathe.
Every second petal fell...
Where do I fall from here?
Memories rush of times when I let blood dry
Night after night again on my thigh.
He was there, but what constellation do I call home now?
You are my home, my heart and the stars.
What have I done?
It feels cold; so cold and the air is fragile
When you're silent.
But my flat lining heart isn't as quiet as I'd like.
I'm sorry. This is a mess
I'm so homesick
But I'm home...
I'm not living, not alive
Just waiting to petrify.
Solidify and one day melt
Into your arms again.
You are my home
And you are so far away.
My mind is sick.
I find that ribs aren't broken by force,
The snap comes from initial shock
Of razor sharp silence.
Churning and grinding usually occurs as time rotates past
Like the wheels of a car that you hope to god would hit you.
Eventually, you realise that your ribcage implodes due to heartache
And the hearts desire to destroy itself
Before he, or anyone else, can.
It's a funny game of Russian roulette you play with people.
That one bullet in the revolver...
That one glimpse of a "maybe";
Maybe, maybe this one will be the one to stay.
And as waves pound the shore for forgiveness
You torture yourself with the thought
Of finally letting go of solitude.
Not before the silences consume every brain pulse;
Harder to digest than constant rumbling of crowds.
I don't know what I'm feeling or if I'm feeling. If this makes sense to you then I'm glad. I'm sorry
These four walls don't recognise me anymore,
And lately I've been waking up cold.
Where the distance sways... I falter.
It's so dizzying keeping up
With a universe whose heart is beating
There are days where I forget
That the blood in my veins is mine.
Hallucinations of opaque canvases
Dappled with a hundred strokes of paint.
The blood in my veins isn't blood at all...
When did it all become pain...t.
I regularly dissect the chambers of my heart,
Mental images of ripping apart the last thing I stood for;
A solitary beat that was never meant to be heard.
I don't know what this is or if it makes sense. I'm sick and it's been so long since I could conjure up a sentence that made sense (not that these ones do).