The seascape in my mind
Just became dark
Filling with morbid clouds
And fiercely black swell.
All of a sudden it switched
And the tv static that only my ear drums can conjure
Became forceful and loud.
In an instant,
Conversations I never imagined,
Spoke loud and vividly.
“I can’t leave my bed today,
Im dreaming of killing myself”
I feel intoxicated,
I feel unsafe,
And I can see myself
Dipping under the waves.
Send the coast guard,
I can feel my lungs draining.
I think we were buried,
******* and yearning before we spoke.
A cosmic connection strung out
Over thousands of years,
Millions of experiences.
Just waiting for the tension to give in
For the spell of gravity to take hold
And pull us back into each other’s arms.
Or maybe it is much less.
Maybe it is just chance,
The right time.
Maybe it just is.
It’s the memories of your fingers dancing across my skin at all the places you’d touch me so carefully.
Maybe you’re aware I’m already broken,
Gentle to avoid further damage,
Or maybe your first language is softness, delicate understandings of how to move with my body.
My life is pretty damaged, but this is a nice feeling
It’s a dark night.
And I sit here,
Cigarette choking me.
But I realise I have learnt so much.
One thing I realised,
Through the tortured delusions,
Is that I am strong.
You taught me strength.
To crawl through the mud,
Dust my bones from the ashes,
They didn’t dissolve in the flames set alight by you.
You taught me,
I can unbury my head,
Push out the heavy smoke
Especially when the lights are gone
And nothing seems tangible.
You taught me to grab a hold,
And pull myself out.
Was it taught,
Or was the light always there?
Everyone uses me as a diving platform,
To plunge into their own happiness.
But I still have stage fright.
I’m still scared of drowning…
Shuffle my feet to the edge…
And I jump backwards.
My biggest regret
Is the plunge I won’t take.
Because what if the pool is empty?
I’m like a carnival ring toss prize.
Except modified to be easier won.
Claimed, played with, cared for
And then dropped
But with a limb torn off and pocketed.
All before they’ve left the booth.
So I get grabbed by the attendant,
And strung back up to be won and discarded again.
People easily get bored,
I’m already broken,
So why not take a piece?
Stay a little,
Take what you need…
What you desperately want.
The door never stops spinning.
Not even a calm summer breeze
Can make anyone stay.
Nothing steadies the dizziness.
Nothing eases the gagging pain.
Nothing ends this.
Once again I’m alone, and once again I’m too much
I hate that you took away my ability to believe that anyone loves me.
I hate that you twisted my mind in places that forced me to be afraid,
I hate that you made the self hate cut deeper.
You made me hate myself so much more.
I hate that you made me feel so ******* insane,
In a way that I thought I deserved the pain…
Self inflicted or otherwise.
I hate that I begged you to **** me
Just to make the pain stop
And to satisfy this weirdly imbedded thought that somehow it would make your life easier.
I hate you and the ghosts and the scars you’ve left me with.
I hate you and I didn’t deserve this.
And whilst there are moments like this…
Where I feel empty and worthless.
Know that the times where I feel ten feet tall and more powerful than a god are far more common.
You’ve taken things, pieces of me. But you can’t take anything else.
I hate that my only experience of love,
Was a demonstration of narcissisms bargaining chip.
The soul source of a narcissists food to feed the ego.
Because for a long time,
I was in deep belief that love was fleeting.
Here one second,
Non existent the next.
And devoid of any warmth falsely portrayed in movies, books and the lives of my friends.
I hate that I was conditioned to believe love was regimented.
Structured and strictly used to service you.
Affection was a mirage
Shown only when I must’ve needed a reminder to cling to false hope that this was real.
And while some romance films
Toy with the idea of some small sacrifices being involved
None ever quite explained that you had to forfeit your dreams for a narcissists ego.
Luckily, this was something you explained to me.
I should’ve graduated 3 years ago…
Despite your hard hard work to convince me love wasn’t real,
That I was nothing of worth.
I am being loved, shown I too can be supported, encouraged.
And I am stronger
Than I think you are ever capable of feeling.
The hole you’ve dug is a deep one,
Get comfy before they fill it in.
My trauma dictates that I will never deeply believe that I am enough for the people I love.
My fear of failure isn’t a perfectionist, drive to succeed.
It’s a smothering fear that I have done you wrong.
And I’m not sure if I’ve abandoned all self worth,
because it’s never made the ones I love love me more when I feel worthy.
Or if it’s been stolen, burnt, or smashed a million times over
and I’ve been stuck in a groundhog day loop,
Shuffling all the pieces into a dust pan with my hands.
What I’m trying to say is,
I can rebuild,
I can cut, rejoin, fade the scars away.
I can sit myself on the tallest tower,
Call myself a giant, the bigger person.
But I will never, never regain these segments of self worth when in 25 years a handful of people have continuously robbed me of them.
When something like that is missing, it must be substituted.
I need reminders… I am enough.
Are you still drinking every night?
Who do you scream at now?
Now that I’m not there to bear the brunt of your violent insecurities?
Help is an insufferable waste of air
When the one needing it is in narcissistic denial.
Part of me hopes the crumble of your career
Obliterates your shiny golden god complex.
The rest of me doesn’t give a ****,
Because after the years of manipulating and pain
I’ve torn the shackles, broke free
And you don’t mean a ******* thing anymore.
A forgotten false god.
Enjoy your downfall.
I won’t see it from my rightful throne.
I told you my deepest darkest secret.
I thought I could rely on you to hold my hand through the pain.
Figured the fact we knew each other for so long meant we had a bond.
At nineteen, I told you he ***** me.
At nineteen, you shapeshifted.
You morphed into a volcano.
You became explosive with rage.
You told me it was my fault.
That I had to make it up to you.
At nineteen, I told you more truths.
At nineteen, you refused to believe
Or acknowledge, understand,
Or even think for a second that he tried to **** me.
I guess that was something only you were allowed to do.
But it’s all true.
The years I’ve spent walking through hell.
From both of you.
I know you said to never compare you to him.
But you’re much the same.
That’s why you were so afraid when in a sentence I spoke both your names.
It was my birthday.
And the first thing i could say to my coworkers when I saw them after was
“I didn’t cry”
And it’s true.
For the first time in 25 years
I can genuinely say I’m happy
And I had an amazing day.
I didn’t cry,
I smiled and laughed,
And felt like myself.
Free, happy, unshackled.
It took a while,
It took some tears,
It took pain,
It took blood,
But I am happy.
So extremely me
And so ******* happy.
This is the second draft of this because this website buckled and didn’t save the first
It wasn’t a pleasant belly laugh joy ride
Like a 4 year old smiling on a rotating plastic pony.
It was a ******* wood chipper.
And you slowly fed me through.
A ******* whirlwind.
Where you pushed me in, limb by limb.
And I swear, before my head got forced in,
I swear for a second I saw you finally smile.
I could describe it like a horror movie villain,
Like some mythical demon,
But you were so much more terrifying.
Though, I fear you forgot how strong I am.
You were quick to believe you had me deep under your spells.
I don’t stay broken for long,
I reform stronger.
I’m not scared of you anymore,
So if you’re like Stephen king’s clown;
He who floats in the sewers,
You can no longer thrive and survive off my fear.
Without a lifeline now, and soon you will die.
In reference to a poem my ex asked me to write called “merry-go-round” back in 2015.
I’m sorry.. i’m sorry to the people you call your friends.
But I’m not sorry… I feel no remorse
For their wilful ignorance.
And the loss of losing them in my life
Keeps me weightless.
I know you’d want to,
I know you love to knock me down again.
Punch me in the face, knock out my teeth,
Fracture my wrist and leave me black and blue
For another Christmas and new year.
Just for old times sake.
But I am weightless.
Flying like helium balloons released in happy memory at a wake.
I soar without you.
I don’t need to hope,
I know you’re sinking.
“ I'm sure it was tough to write but also this makes me smile to see how far you have come. And one day, you will be past this and these will be a memory of the past and how far you've soared.”
Your promises of forever and love
Were not permanent with devotion entwined.
They were empty and fractured.
A freezing reality of my deep seeded submissiveness (a poison).
Believing you was the vicious rumbling of my foundations.
Ferocious rattling amidst the tornado winds tore me to pieces.
A silver lining, though, reveals itself through everything.
Sometimes directly after the fact,
But mine shone through years and months later.
I’m better for it.
Maybe because at the time I wasn’t succeeding at treading flood water.
Maybe my lungs were too full of thick, black water that you polluted and brewed within me.
Either way, the gruelling wait.
The heart breaking, tormenting, torturing wait was so worth it.
I am better for it.
At each second I feel your toxins seep from my veins, my bones, my skin and slowly sink back into the ground.
And the space is replaced with a magnitude of better things.
Freedom… love… myself…
You found me
Shrivelled and collapsed
Wilted and completely withdrawn,
Dangling on the brink of death.
A shell of myself,
A prospect of what I was meant to be.
But you stopped…
Heart whole and bright,
Watered and held me,
Dragged me into the sunlight.
Unable to stand
You held the stake I grew upon
Kissed and nurtured and tended to me.
You let me rise and find my strength.
You showed me the warmth I’ve never felt.
I shone once more.
I’ve never been so loved, so supported…
h o m e .
I’m so thankful.
I’m so happy.
I’m so me.
And I love you.
You can say you made me,
Created me all you want,
But the truth is
I’ve always built myself,
This has been the finest creation I’ve made with raw hands.
All you ever did
Was stamp me down,
Keep me squashed
Under the weight of your narcissism.
But I’ve grown strong,
Bashed and wriggled and crawled out
From under your gloomy shadow.
And I’m shining again.
A certified self-made masterpiece.
You swim in your swamp of self-made chaos, and yet some how you enjoy it.
And some how these spineless, brainless people follow you.
saying goodbye is a strange gesture.
the lingering knowledge you'll see them again
eases the startling punch of the word.
but when you're fully resolved,
when you've finally dug yourself out of the depths,
saying goodbye to the single person you saw your entire life with,
twists your insides,
stretches them out
and when they snap back
you're left standing stationery with whiplash.
this exact moment,
all the fear and heart break,
bundled tightly into the lump in my throat,
should be making me feel more severely than it is.
but i almost feel nothing,
and you feel like a lifetime ago.
i feel deeply...
so you should be haunting me.
but you're not.
and i've finally let go.
i've finally let go.
you're not worth anything to me.
the stock markets down
and my veins run dry
of your scent.
i can't see your face anymore,
and yet i taste you every time i close my eyes.
lingering in the sticky gel i gouge out in the mornings,
it smears the mask i've created,
pretending i'm healing.
does the sun finally set
once i've purged you out completely?
or will the flames you wish upon me
drag me back to a clean slate?
phoenix? or perpetual purgatory?
tell me... will i be numb forever?
((your final gift or act of control.))
I once was a stone pilar in the middle of a plateau,
And I was everything for everyone.
But right now I’m at the top of a lighthouse,
Stranded in the middle of the deepest ocean.
And all those that care for me...
Are ships lost at sea.
soon, I promise I’ll find my way back to land.
I’ll know what earth feels like again,
Without being eroded by rough swell.
I’ll be everyone’s everything.
And I’ll stand strong and tall,
As a beacon once more.
You swore you wouldn’t hurt me,
And I swear the ache in my bones is all your fault.
Or maybe it’s mine?
For giving in too easily,
For giving you too much of my heart.
And you know I’m terrified of drowning,
But this silence is consuming me.
Swelling my lungs.
This keeps happening,
Like the sun sets and the waves crash...
People keep leaving me.
I’m not cold I’ve just been shaking since you got home.
you told me I wasn’t enough
“if you ever thought I didn’t see being with you for the rest of my life, you’d be wrong”
Everything you do makes me feel like I’m not enough, which means that every single day I ache. And you will never experience that.
“You’re so beautiful, Madeline”
Remember when this was supposed to be forever?
The realisation of knowing you’re gone and what we had is forever over, will always sting and ache always.
We can start over again
You were meant to be my forever.
Do I deserve high praise?
Or to just get high?
Maybe we got it wrong
For all those years.
Lost and abandoned;
But not broken nor breaking.
I would let my demons consume me
If it meant that you would be better.
I would let you eat my heart
If it took away your loneliness.
And I would set myself on fire every single day
If it meant that I could hold you
o n e. l a s t. t i m e.
I imagine you holding me,
While I sit and stare at the stars, for hours.
And you watch and smile
While my eyes hold the universe,
And your eyes carry the sunrise.
And I'm so glad I
Stayed around for this.
"I'd like to see if you'd watch the stars or my face tbh."
"I'd be torn between the two, but you're more beautiful."
I thought I was dreaming when you said you loved me.
You uttered I was a fantasy...
The whole world unravelled and gave way beneath me,
Revealing a colourful universe.
A world I fell in love with.
But now you’re gone...
And you don’t love me anymore.
And I am lost...
Sunk back into the darkness.
Like a wardrobe filled with too much ****,
The door that leads to you
Won’t shut, jammed by memories,
And of the constant need of you.
So I’ll leave it like that,
And let parts of you seep out
And swirl around me forever.
Your love was like a light switch in my head,
You know the one where it’s taped up to stay on?
The bulb blew sometimes
But you always ******* another one back in.
Your love made my world so bright,
Gave me clarity and warmth.
But eventually the tape fell weak,
Peeled off and curled up without me realising,
And a chilling storm ripped through my mind.
Flipped the switch, shattered the bulb.
And I grew cold with the rain.
Shivered so much I fell asleep,
But when I woke
I couldn’t flip the switch again.
The light was gone and
You didn’t love me anymore.
You could’ve left me at the altar.
It could be worse than this.
Despite my heart dripping through
My broken rib cage...
It could be worse than this.
One day of feeling like I’m being
Crushed and flattened into mud.
But it’s okay,
Because I refuse to be worse than this.
I’m getting better. I’m healing. And I’m finding myself and self esteem and self love again.
Everyone always leaves.
What is it about me that is so wrong?
My heart strangles my throat,
I cannot breathe.
Take my body back underground,
Let this broken flesh rot from my bones.
Let me start again.
Maybe I’ll be born once more,
And people will stay.
Or maybe I’ll be born again,
More powerful than ever before.
I feel so small and unimportant.
Maybe I was never meant to be more than a fleeting thought.
A disappearing memory; a false attempt at love,
A stepping stone in the direction of anyone else.
There are so many ‘maybes’ filling my tear ducts to the brim.
Like maybe you didn’t love me,
Maybe this is how I’ll finally drown.
Suffocated by my own tears,
And ripped apart by your emptiness.
Maybe .n.o.t.h.i.n.g. is all we were ever meant to be.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you please please please stop stabbing me in the ribs?
I used to be comfortable with the idea of loneliness,
And for the most part welcome it as normal.
Solitude was my high ground
And I didn’t need anyone.
Self sufficient, functioning.
I was strong.
But then you showed me it didn’t have to be that way.
I didn’t have to ‘survive’ alone.
I wasn’t an outcast.
I wasn’t alienated.
I was loved.
And could love.
You showed me that I could be accepted.
And then you left.
And loneliness is so terrifying.
And I am so scared.
When will loneliness become the norm again.
When will this pain end.
Why wouldn’t you stay.
My skull is like the sides of a pin ball machine lined with thoughts of you leaving, pain, loneliness, sadness, and crippling nausea.
And I’m constantly bashing the buttons on the side so my brain doesn’t hit the walls or rest at the bottom of the tray.
So my brain doesn’t fall to the end and I run out of credits.
I don’t know.
It feels like I’m floating in limbo
Wrapped in barbed wire
Watching you tug the end
As you walk away.
I am waiting. I am aching.
I need to know if you’re working on this too.
Because yesterday was my last day and I’ll be better from now on.
I hope you’ll love me, from now on.
Whoever thought butterflies had such
strong, strangling h.a.n.d.s.
I watched the darkness leak
Into your eyes
As your skin found mine...
I am tortured by the silent way
You crawled into my head
And decided to stay.
Tell me what you see?
The sound of bones cracking;
The screaming sensation of skin tearing
Is too much of a comfort.
Are we alone now?
Are we in love now?
Newly found lost poems
I’m going to watch you walk away from me one day
And the world will flatten, finally.
And I think I’ll let the ocean
Take me that day...
And I think I’ll let you be the end of me.
I’ve been thinking about drowning again.
But I’ve found home in the nape of your neck.
I’m still scared.
I wonder what it’s like to dream...
What is it like...?
To dream anything but static.
It’s the kind of sadness where your rib cage
And twists and
Depression doesn’t float through my veins
It crawls through my bones, with dagger hands
And winding movements.
I cannot breathe.
And yet there was nothing taken from me.
But then again you took everything all at once the moment you looked in my eyes, covered my mouth and forced me down.
I don’t know why your smell still lingers in my every thought.
I’m not scared anymore.
I said I’d do things...
Complete tasks essential to us moving forward.
This is how my depression sings.
And it dances as a 3 tonne black ball cowering in the middle of my bed.
I am crushed
And I am so sorry that I haven’t done as promised.
I will get better.
I am swallowed whole...
And immediately squashed
By the unrelenting truth
That I am
A f a i l u r e.
I twist and scream but
I am in pain.
It’s disheartening and debilitating to come to the realisation that yes...
I want to die
At the very least hurt myself severely.
And I am ashamed.
Sick to my stomach because that thought should never cross my mind
But I’m stuck here day in and day out
With it dancing across my frontal lobe taunting me.
‘Dying would be a delight’.
Impenetrable prison bars line my serotonin and dopamine deprived brain.
And the straight jacket I’m in steals my ability to break my bones to drown out the silence.
‘I always wanna die. I always wanna die’.
Everything is dark.
And everything hums with white noise.
I am buried six feet down in sadness
I wonder if the wind will blow soon, and carry away the weight of my mind.
Or serotonin will flood this hole I’m stuck in.
At least I’ll die happy
With delicate, yet awkward, fingers
I edge my way down my throat
And loosen the cut you made on my neck.
Nails crawl through my flesh
until I hear the strum of my failing violin, cat gut, vocal chords.
An ear drum bursting TWANG;
Reminiscent of the s c r e a m s
You forced from my bones.
My body twists around the thought of your
Gaze pounding down my spine.
You’ve buried your way into my skin,
A burdensome parasite I can’t shake, or dig out.
Despite the number of nails I break
And bones I dislocate.
My ribcage aches again,
Throbs as I tumble down the mud riddled *****.
It’s getting dark again and I’m losing my mind.
Where is Home?
The soft sweet comfort of knowing I am safe?
Safe from myself.
I am in pain.
Maybe I’m just empty space...
Sinking into this nameless,
You and I.
You. And I am damaged.
I’ll rip myself apart and scrape the dust together,
Maybe I’ll build myself from the ashes...
Or maybe the wind will tear through this canyon again.
I live in a depth you don’t want to understand.
You and I.
You don’t say you love me anymore.
Positive thoughts are packaged with depressing discouraging chants in a plastic punnet.
I don’t know how to cope with that...
So to satisfy the thirst of my ever dangling drought of accomplishment,
I jam the thoughts in a blender on top speed.
Wait for the deafening swirl of the blades to stop,
And I lap up the monotonously foul “you are going no where’s”
With the chewy chunks of “you got out of bed, welldone’s”,
Slump back into a rotting pine chair,
And I glide through the emptiness.
Hiya, I’ve missed this
You never made me happy.
Though you heard me say it, you never made me happy; not once... not ever.
Instead what you heard was falsities...
A lie, a mask, a good ******* play at ‘happy families’.
You never made me happy.
I lived in a bubble of illness and not the kind I could see a doctor for.
I painted masks across my face for you, sung a sweet lullaby of ‘I’m peaceful in this second’.
But in that second you were suffocating me, boxing me, moulding me, caging, controlling,
Ensuring I wouldn’t leave.
An exuberant ‘I’m happy’ should’ve translated more appropriately to ‘I want to die and be reborn’.
You made me sick and I wanted to die.
I am reborn.
My life is like quicksand,
I continuously sink slowly,
Kick and drag myself up high enough just to gulp at air.
Then follows the slow descent.
I'm unsure of what's at the bottom
But my toes have tickled it a few times
Then the beast bellows and laughs,
Sending tsunami waves through the sand;
I roll like a ship about to be taken under by fierce swell.
Sometimes I think the quicksand is encased in my skull...
Sometimes I think the depths of the quicksand settle on the top of my spinal cord.
Sometimes I think I'm numb from the corrosive vibrations of the sludgy water-sand mix:
Jamming my nervous system, rusting it over.
But then the memory of pressure of your hand around my neck
Makes me forget the metaphor of the sand
And the make-believe depression.
And the blood in my nose, that drips and drys and repeats itself daily
Exists because you forced my head against the wall so many times.
Razors are not a comfort they are a fear and I still cough them up from my lungs.
I realise you are not terrifying
I realise that you do not own my life
You do not decide that I am real or fake or suffering.
I realise that you are only a scar
That I am slathering oils and remedies over
In order to make the red fade.
I realise that I am so *******
H A P P Y
One year on;
And I have overcome your disease,
Dislodged your putrid fangs,
Healed, cured myself...
Found a real person
Who knows how to love me
And teach me to love me.
I always thought quicksand would be a much bigger problem in my real life. Turns out it's a problem in my mind. This is a purge of a lot of things that have been mulling. So enjoy?