Its been a while since ive picked up a pen and paper
but been even longer since i picked up a blade

ive come to live with my insecurities
my imperfections
my mistakes

i dont need makeup to be beautiful
i dont need to starve myself to be happy
i dont need to loose weight to be skinny

im me for a reason
i have scars for a reason
i have differences for a reason

it may have taken me a while to figure this out
but everything takes time...

i found the devil
i found him in a lover

what is love. the true feeling, meaning of love? why do we feel it? when do we really know that we are in love.
why does it hurt, why does it end,when does it start. why does it happen?
how do we know? does it only ever happen once, how do we know who is the one?
define love, define the feeling, define the struggle. who feels it?
does everyone fall in love? do we all get our heart broken, when do we know to end it.
why do we only fall for certain people. what if they dont make us happy, why do we pursue a relationship with then, why do we only want them, need the, think about them.
why do we only think we need them to make us happy. why?

did you miss me all those days?
the ones where I didn't message you
call you, talk to you?

did you miss me when I went away?
just left not saying goodbye
for weeks, or even months on end?

NO!

so I don't get it.
I don't get you, why do you miss me now?
now im lying on my death bed.
from taking my own life
you never once said you missed me

but theres the thing, and I want an ******* answer.
did you?

Dear mum
im sorry im not the perfect daughter
and that i have so many flaws
and insecurities
im sorry im such a *****
and am always moody
im sorry that im nothing like
my big sister and i never will be
im sorry i dont live up to
what you wanted me to be
the young beautiful
little happy girl
you once knew.

Dear Dad
im sorry that you gto stuck with me
you know when you
and mum broke up
im sorry you had to raise a teenage
daughter on your own
putting up with my
mood swings and my
horrid attitude
all my crying and depression
im sorry for all the arguing
and fighting

in conclusion im sorry for not being the perfect
daughter one that you can
smile about and point out to your friends and
say thats my baby girl
im sorry im just a failure in so many ways
im sorry ill be out of your
hair soon enough

Maddii xo

i know its been a while
since ive been here
crying
sooking
pouring my heart out
to a bunch or strangers

i know most of us will never
meet
and some days that
tears me apart

but just a casual update
i am fine
and by fine i mean
fine like i dont know
anymore

but im still here
and wont be going anywhere
anytime soon

thats a promise!

you know the saying,
you have to crawl before you can walk?
is that the same with
you have to cry before you can scream?

Dear Faith,
i just wanted to say i love you
and i hope you get better.

i have so many questions i want to ask you
like why?
why didn't you tell me?
let me know you were feeling like this?
i wish i could of helped you, and it didn't have
to end up like this.

i love you more then anything
you mean the world to me, you are my best friend
my rock, my saviour.
but im sorry you were feeling the way you were,
but please things will get better i promise you!
im always here for you and that
will never change i promise you! and thats one promise i defiantly
know i wont break

for all those times you said you were a bad mum,
you arent
for all the times you said you were ugly
baby you are beautiful

i need to finish this but im crying
i just want you to know how much you mean to me
and how much it would destroy me if you
were to leave...

and how about Caden? your beautiful
baby boy! how would he feel not growing up without his mum?
knowing how beautiful she is
how amazing and kind she is...
Because no one can compare to you
Aunty Maddii cant live up to those expectations

so Faith, my darling i love you so much,
we can get through this together!
i promise i will save up all the money in the world
to come and see you one day, and it will just be the three
of us
You, Caden and Aunty Maddii


I love you Faith x

Dear God, i know
ive never asked for help before..
but this time
this time i need it!

im Scared
and Worried
i dont think i can
hold on much longer.

Dear God!
im sorry.

I hate my body.
i hate my life.
i hate myself.
Ive got blades, now what?
What do you mean now what?
what are you going to do?
mutilate yourself.. again?
why?
why do you keep doing this to yourself?
Now listen ok?
and keep reading
thats all i ask
you, you as an individual
you are beautiful, handsome
yes you may not see it
but many other people do trust me
i know i may not know you
not personally
but i may know you well enough to know
how much of an amazing
caring person you are
you have your little quirks
your little jokes that not many
other people will understand
you have your close group of
friends who will do anything
to see you smile
you have your family members
that im sure adore you
you have made it this far
in the journey we call
life, yes it may be hard at
times but thats the point you dont
become who you are without a
few ups and downs along the way
like i said at the start
i may not personally know
you, i may not have even spoken to you
but trust me
you are beautiful, handsome
loved by many including me.
so please i beg you
please just put the blade down
better yet throw the blade
away. i dont want you to be going
through unnecessary pain
I LOVE YOU
just remember that. thank you
for reading this all the way though
i just hope it will help someone
Please repost to get the message out there
im only a message or an email away.

Define Beautiful?

The thought
the thought of you dragging
a blade across your
wrist
it kills me.
The thought
the thought of you
taking your last breath
tears me apart.

you are too young and
beautiful to leave this world
you are too loved
to even think to leave

you remind me of the song
by lana del ray
the one that goes..
"will you still love me when
im no longer young and beautiful?"
yes yes i will

you tell me i am your big sister and
you look up to me
and not to cry because i am
too beauttiful,
now its my turn.

you are beautiful
you are loved. so please
wipe the tear off you
cheek, put the blade
down and come here
i love you
just remember the promises
we made eachother
that one day
we will be able to hold eachother
in our arms and
i can tell you how much
i love you.

because words dont
describe it enough, words cant
express the feelings
going through my body
i love you. x

if you love me prove it.
dont ask me how,
ill leave that up to you.
dance
sing
write
i dont know.

oh right i forgot im not her
you dont love me
you never have
you never will
and i guess ill have to be ok
with that.
so dont bother
singing
or dancing
or writing

i wont hold my breath because
i know the day
the day ive dreamed of for
so so long will
never come.

i thought you were ugly.
then i met Society

worthless.
stupid.
nothing.
useless.
pathetic.
pointless.
fat.
de­pressed.
ugly.
Me.

pretty.
funny.
loved.
skinny.
worth it.
amazing.
useful.
nice.
beautiful.
Her.

now do you see why
see why i want to be like her?
want to be skinny, to be pretty
to even be loved?
to know what it feels like to have
skin against skin.
So please just let me
i dont want to be here anymore

i tried
i ******* tried
i poured my heart out
i ripped my skin apart...
just for some closure
and you didnt even bother
you saw i was hurting
and you saw i was crying
and i tried
i tried to stop it
i tried to be everything you
needed
everything you wanted
but i was never enough and
im scared ill never be
so i dont know if i should
if i should keep trying
or should i give up
like i have with everything else

Well what do you want me to say
you tell me all these
things and expect me to drop
******* everything to
come running to your doorstep...

no!

remember how you left
me?
why you left me..
it wasnt right you left me at the
time i needed you most

and i dont think ill ever
be able to forgive you.

Im nothing
im ugly
im worthless
im stupid
im horrid
im a burden

so why ?
why bother with me
why try with me
why tell me you love me?

cause i know everything you say is
a lie.
a ******* lie.

the ones that are "always there
for you"
the ones that would "die
without you"

well where the **** are
they when you kick the
chair beneath
your feet?

It wasn't his kiss that
kept me for
more
it was the
taste of his skin...

she was like an
cigarette
she always left a bad
taste in
my mouth.

Conor Blatchford
17 hours ago


Maddii... where you at? <3 if you want me to explain what there is to love about yourself, here I go:
1: You are a mother-******* poet. That's cool. Making words rhyme is hard for a lot of people. Expressing emotion in those words is even harder
2: Caring. You keep talking to me, that's casual caring. You ask me how I am, that's caring. You are willing to listen to me, metaphorically listen to me because this is typed, so... and that's true caring right there
3: Friendship. You are one of a select few that consistently makes me smile. Also, you listen to me ***** about my life
4: Loyalty. You're still here, right...? <3
5: Humour. Ties in with friendship. You not only make me smile, but also laugh. I laughed in class once. Especially just earlier, when I read what you did to that kids' nose. I imagined the pause between him laughing and having his nose broken, it was so comical I laughed out loud. Everyone thought I was insane.
6: Inspiration. Some of my poems wouldn't have even been written were it not for you
7: "Sneaky". Manipulating me into giving you ideas. Why? Because I love you (reference to earlier conversation) <3
8: You are one of the few reasons I take pleasure in waking up each day. I have people constantly saying **** about me, knowing I have a short fuse and taking advantage of it, but not you. Also, I look forward to talking to you. First thing I do when I open my laptop is send you a message

I would keep going, but this is long enough. Oh, and I feel guilty. I'm not sure I said happy birthday on your 17th. But Happy Late Birthday from me. Once again, I apologise, I felt/feel so bad

Love you Maddii. Stay safe. <3