let me

speak my
autumn leaves
and the consequences of their
swirl

of naked pale trees
shivering

talk calmly  
to the melted snow flakes
revolutionise with the icy wind

purl alongside spring fishes
upstream

breathe dense air
down my sore chest

let me
confess my
storm

make peace
at last
with the
shifting of seasons

my entire
body
remembers

it breathes
in my pulse

all my shattered dreams
resting in the hall
beside our shoes

everything
starts over

and i know exactly
how this looks
from behind

and the world seem to shift in colour
disrupt it's grey
when you cross my way

i have always been so certain
of my rights

but how can we possibly
decide
when life counts

and yet
how can they possibly
decide
ours doesnt
anymore

it could have been
more in life for you
mum

somehow

i can't say i'm sorry
i can't say i'm not

so my one cat
are on a diet  
fat as a bun
marshmallowly white

the vet sais
i can slim her down eventual
if i change her food
and that it is essential

my other cat
are not  
furry like a fandom  
gingerly walnut

everyday
my ginger cat lifts my mood
he purrs and stroke my legs
so i'll bring him his non-diet food

when he gets it
he walks away into the hall
so my white cat can enter
and eat it all

in return
my white cat joins me in the sofa
purring and sweet
makes me think she needs me
brings me to my feet

she walks me to the door
where i see my ginger cat outside
waiting for me to let him in
(ignoring the cat door just beside)

we have our games
i know they fool me, absolute
but i can't help it
they're just so **** cute

today.
you got married.

i recognise this
half-full
half-empty
yearning feeling

i used to get it all the time.
from your late night texts
what seems like
millions of years ago

an explosion of
emotions.
all in contrast

still
we always wished eachother
well
in the end.

today.
you got married.

now.
you are a married man.

you once said
rather cheat and loose
than win fair

mis-user
always a liar

you were already underneath it
when I met you

laid down
for some time
the rain became dry

always needed something new
to speed it up

dig your own grave
when did you start

contradictious
you would never
yet you do

back then
you couldnt care less
until I walked

despite all that
now and days we always smile when we come across

and somehow
everytime I see you
Im stunned by
how increadible beautiful
you are to me

still it always comes back to me
in the end

stay in touch you say
after holding my hand
always in the moment

my old love
you could go anywhere
and I hope you will

but for now
youre still under it, arent you

rewrite the story
change every word
disguise it behind
new meanings
squeeze it out of context

what lingers

it is all too vast
is it all too vast

turn the sentences
around
can you hear the origins
beating below
a brand new sound

do you feel the smoke
from wet ink
a different form
the feelings
still breathing
in a new poem

what lingers

everything's too vast
(is it all too vast?)

a dream
one kick away

we were not all born
to this

i know
the idea of you
is pointless

nevertheless
today
i dream of you
like i tend to do

in that valley
where i left your kiss
hanging in the air

i could feel you waiting
for a change of heart in me

my heart never changed
it still beats with the same
ambiguous beats

i cannot remember
our night time talks
and forget our burned down silence

all the same i try

tingling agony
desperate for your gaze

i cannot shake you off

longing for your absence
to pass

So

after all those years

all thoughts
deep at night
tying knots

all those nodes
of emotions
jammed

I guess we turned out okay

always inbetween

with and without
an undertone

like you said,
we'll stop talking
drift apart
live on

like I said,
we'll meet again
peacefully combined
  
who's to decide
what counts

I guess I always wanted to mean
something
I guess all parts aren't
affiliated
I guess we aren't
alright

but we are okay
for now
aren't we?

on a flight back home
you trade places with the girl next to me to be seated closer to your friends
mine are so far back that i don't even bother

includes me in your conversation immediately

you are funny
attractive
read my signals respectfully
and i like the way you think  

when i drift off to sleep
i hear you telling your friends  
you are looking for the real thing this time

i carry a book from the museum of broken relationships in my bag  

two hours have passed
you ask for my name
it's funny you say
that we've been speaking for so long without knowing

when the plane hit ground
you jump in terror
cut of guard in the middle of a sentence
a hand on my knee
you laugh

with a nervous side-way glance
you ask me out

you could be all i ever wanted
and i still wouldn't be there

when you leave
you look back and smile
you got a sad expression on your face
but good manners

i stay behind

you are not him

slowly
putting pieces back
shattered all over the floor

it's a no win in some ways
the longing has no end

the warming words comfort  
but always on the way
wrap it up
miss you still

until next time

Black big circle on the left side
dark mist, undiaphanous
a bit in the way but still,
like the moon
on the other side of the globe

right side a grey foggy one
for what can be
paint it over
but not as dark as the first one
after all its not finished yet

a long sinuous road in the middle of the two circles
moving around them, stirring
not too close but still bound to them

one unpacked, filled bag

the first one
painted so dark you could tell it must have hurt
whatever hidden under is well hooded

the latter one
so insecurly filled
nothing certain
all unsettled

might add some colour
to the road

i looked down at my hand today
all bruises gone
hadn't even realised they were fading

after all this time
i'd come to peace with having them
guessing they were that type who'd always last  

all the shattered glass
have since long  
left my body

five years in
all that's left
is a small scar  
against my wind-bitten hand

sometimes
i paint you up
in the back of my mind
where i kept you
all these years

i hide from
now
i guess

return to
whens
ifs
nevers

never ever
will we get there

you will not
hold my face
in your hands
and kiss me
for all times you
didn't

you will not
tell me
of all times you
wanted to, but
couldn't

you will not
confess

how you kept me
through all these years
in the back if your mind
just to
sometimes
paint me up

do i linger
timelessly
tiredlessly
where others
call it off?

my god
it just hit me
that i might

because how well i recognize
the patterns of your footsteps
and the hollow feeling
their echo
leave behind

such a mess
we created
you and i

in that chaos
if i could've folded our story out  
on a table in front of me
painted out
objectively

read it all out
as facts  

as it is
our last written trace
five years ago
didn't count for much to the world

'Relationship?'
'Yes'
'Serious?'
'Yes'
'Fun'

however
stumbling over it tonight
it contained our whole world
phrases down to five

I had forgotten everything
you running to me in the rain
soft kisses
wide awake  

hidden moon
blinded
empty nights

so complete
and still
so completely alone

our daily fights
breaking into laughter
mid-way trough  

our world
falling apart

and how I loved you
so fiercely
it took my sense away

you and I
our first of all

nothing was ever more
sincere
and nothing ever as
afflictive
again

I had forgotten everything
you running to me in the rain
soft kisses
wide awake

and after all years
how you linger in me
still

feverly searching
for that toxic taste
of gasoline

light my match
on your air
conscious clean

all i am
are explosions
and the time between them
on the floor

gathering my parts enough
to set myself
on fire
once more

morning rises
crispy air
flower buds bursting
dawn is here.

if you erased all words
cleaned the paper
blank again  

would the feelings
still breathe
in the paper

you know like secrets do
in air  
between the meaningfull gaze
of two close friends

i call you.
because i
cannot
stand
this

im not ok.
simply
breathing
takes too much

my emptiness
pour out

you answer.
say hi,
and ask me
how i am

and
i tell you.
fine.

I guess there's a million ways
to make it alright

a million reasons
to win this fight

but I cant wake up
and I cant begin

I cant even get your words
to sink in

somehow its easier
to place you in categories

ignore your names
your eyes, your storys

you're too angry
and show no respect

there's even something wrong
with beeing too perfect

I do this
so that we cant part

because it simply cant end
if I wont give it a start

waste no time
explaining for her
she never gets what its like
for  a machoman
out there

give no effort
to  listen to her longer than
your crush
they've even made up a word
to prevent that
****

dont let her think about
making a point
judge her by the looks instead

and if she behaves badly
just call her a ****
and wonder outloud
what her family done wrong

it's her flaws
so punish her
still, dont give her the beauty of being a rebell
she must have been taught wrong
from somewhere

you hush her up
there's three simple words to describe her
beautiful, ugly or ****

it's as simple as that
move her from beautiful
to ****
if she reach more than
a certain amount of boyfriends
a year
or dismiss you

proven even by the hate of gay
there's something wrong with not beeing
man enough

you rip her apart
with feelings only a whip hand man
can provide her with

yet she's the one left with
shame and disbelief
answer
weren't you leading him on

give her the signal that
leading him on is punished
with ****

you never heard her rap about
a man in every state
with pride

because you see
there's a big difference
to the glory of it
when you add a S
in front of the he

they borrow your white knitted sweater without asking
claim its theirs
hand it back eventually
now with blue stains
that won't come off

call you up
while out with their dog
ask what you're up to
cut you off halfway through your reply
turnes out they only wanted to know if you were available
to watch the dog

mention you gained weight
when in your bikini
(no, you did not ask)

but
when you lay in your sofa
contemplating that
hideous feeling below your chest

you receive a text  
asking if you are being kind to
yourself
as you should

tell your mum
when you're not around
how they appreciat how you always cared about people
and that they knew
you were gonna make it

and when you're home
they make you laugh
so hard
you accidentally
*** a little

sure
it annoys you
when you wash the sweater again
that the stains still won't come off

but
it doesn't really matter
does it  
you were kind of tired of that shirt anyway

most of the time
unnoticed
but sometimes I get that feeling
and I cannot breathe

I don’t mind
the world between us
it doesn’t separate us you see

but I do mind
that it makes it easier to hide ourselves

and nothing scares me more
than the apprehension
that you might not feel ok

as if our roads were never meant to cross
although our feets lead us right to this
like we never stood for real,
as I saw it in your eyes

and all that time that built our pieces back,
as if we never were meant to do anything other than
break, and build ourselves back
-          to this

I hope you found you liked yourself better this way,
like I did
(we were both so stormed apart as one)

do you remember telling time by stars? and trading places at dawn?

how are you? do you miss your grandpa? how's life?

will we ever be ok?

i miss you.

why on earth did we need the feeling of pointless to survive milions of years ago?

do you feel

my affliction
how it twirls
bears me down
on my way up

do you recognize

my ambivalence
we are through
but never sufficient

do you see

my fortitude
my pride
my lack of strength
shame
how i blend into the wall
behind

see me
through me
remember me
let me go

do you share

my yearn
always for the diminutive
in the everlasting

the need
to stir

so fallible
so inevitable


and there comes you
so smooth
you fold me in
brush me out
lies me down

are you aware

are you aware of how you save me?
all of the sudden
life is not so unwieldy
all in all its still

step by step i touch down  
with you
again

and its sufficient

it can't be you.

you are too lucky.
in all.
(no, not all)

you are too fortunate.
always stumbled across success.
(you were raised by a beater,
alcoholic)

but you are a survivor.
you are. you are.

you can't have been on that plane.
no you just cant. you can't.
it's not like you.
(but on sunday's you almost always are)

i long for your reply.
"no thank god i'm fine"
(my god. you are not usually this silent)

.

rest well.

when you told me to be flattered
for being someones crush
while patching me up in the classroom
you taught me to mistake violence
for love
disrespect
for affection  

constantly forcing me beside him
in hope that i might calm him down
taught me that his need for being comforted
was worth more
than my need to be safe

when you asked me to keep my no in for just a little while longer
you taught me to shrink my vioce to make room for others
and that my opinion
caused more discomfort
than his actions

and still
after all years of printing that in
you got the nerve to expect me to
loudly state no
and walk away from an abusing man
who use all those expression of love and affection
you taught me
to forgive

12.05 and you're back

I don't know how to be me
around you  
I know nothing  
but to fall again
sooner or later

and it frightens me
the way your rain always linger in

so I hear myself out
convince myself that somehow
this time
my no will be enough

But,
16.25 and still
I have no waterproof reply

So this is the time in life
Where your high school friends are having children
Your exes are getting married

And you are just sitting there
In your small (yet cosy) apartment
Thinking of why that makes you sad

Like obviously you don't want that life yet
But it would be nice if they would all just chill down a bit
We're not quite there yet
(Are we?)

suddenly
everything changed.

we do not play
by the same premise
anymore

you have the power
to start us up
finish us off

i'm meant to follow.
feel.

you categorize me
squeeze me in
reduce me
to this.

give me two options
to be
both equality wrong
because they are not me

and i hate you
forcefully
for this

we do not play
by the same premise
you and i

you are the man
i am the woman

now
we are reduced
to this.

"Let's take a walk. Just as friends, I promise. For old times sake, let's just talk"

So as friends
I ended up pinned down on the snow  
hands inside my shirt and forced to a kiss when I clearly said no
then simply left alone on the ground  
because apparently to you my no meant 'let's fool around'

just standard procedures with all your friends I guess
why should I expect anything less

as my friend
you told my boyfriends
behind my back
I wasn't one to keep

so when I was down
you could comfort me
as a friend
and maybe stay to sleep

I was told to see your behaviour as signs of love and be flattered
and that I maybe
anyway  
should have known better

like this precious friendship
was a perfectly logical consequence
of me ending it, telling you no
and therefore having too much confidence

but I can't mistake your lack of respect for love
and I have a right to choose the latter
besides, I firmly believe
you always were the one
who should have known
better.

your
replies
jokes  
talks
gazing stars
arm to arm
convert ideas

never
and far too
alike

on my own
on the run
night
days

it's been years

will it ever pass/change/end

this time
i need to make it out
alive.

i wish
the peach silence would
reach you

so you'd finally
see
why i had to leave

but through the rear
of the moon
and the skies reflection

i think we forget
we're allowed to grieve
either way

create clouds
out of pebbles
hang myself to dry
on a silver lining

return to pasts
dwell
in their long lost shadows

move myself with it
as it shifts
with the sun

in my garden
linger on the scent
from my newly planted
reminisces

what i will miss

the childish look on your face
when you get an idea

how you melted into me
drew me nearer in bed
like we were meant to lay there
all times

hand in hand
and everything we dreamt of
our homes

honestly
i cant even begin listing it

all is too vast
it ends up
blank

everything made sense with you
and i don’t even belive in that

i've been raining dry

all you left behind
running through the
drains
beneath my feet
in my palms

i feel like
you stole
me

all my seasons

how i used to
burst with spring
summer rain
linger brightly
against the crispy snow
coloured by
the fall

but now
i'm nothing
but

endless
descent

how can anything
come of this

sometimes
i wished we never
would have set fire
like we did

i've been living in our ruins   
ever since

What if almost everything
begun with you
all those half-moments
disguised in the back
covered up in black

that creeping feeling
under my skin
a silent trapped revolution
dying to break free
choking on the pressure of someone elses need to own me

a constant conflict
an equal yearn to be as central as unseen
always on first and second place
the need to seek approval in every meeting face

what if every dying love
every trapped emotion
begun with us

because what you asked of me
for ten long years
I could never give
the pain from our scars never found ease
and we never did
make peace.