its been more than eight years
since last you got your way
and i still swill with spite
thinking of it

just like those forest fires on the news
uncontrolled
deadly

i don't even know how to phrase it

i always cared about
making peace

but with you

we never got to be ok
you burned that last bridge down
and for once  
i couldn't allow you to
rebuilt it

how could you
shrink me into
nothingness

your trophy
used

and above all that
how can i still lay here
after all these years

listening to the
echoes
of your footsteps  
on my chest

all I need to hear from you is that

you're sorry for ******* this up
sorry for making this
so unbearable for me
sorry for stepping on me
on my last attempt
up

won't you just tell me that

you forgive me for not always
giving you my all
but tell me that you know I did my best
at many times
and that you're sorry
you didn't

all I want from you is an apology for

showing me no respect
or heed
chrushing my last shred of
self-respect
and then leaving me
for her

all I want

is a sign of
soul
in you

won't you just
care
for me

now when we lost
everything else

it’s easier to think of you
the way you constantly fell in love
making me just one in the line
of all your miserable loves

you always seemed to choose the
impossible ones

(it’s harder to think of how you told me
and the room filled with sleeping travelers
that this isn’t about wanting the unattainable
this is something unfeigned)

it’s easier to think of you
the way your silence reached over days
impossible to get to
constant involved deep in your pain

you always seemed to feel
the world did you wrong

(it’s harder to think of our long talks
safely protected by the night
mixed with tears of laughter
and well-hidden secrets from our past)

it’s easier to think of you
and how your stubborn ways made everything
so incredible hard

you always seemed to find comfort
in beating me to our end

(it’s harder to think of all that trouble you put yourself through
just to make me happy again)

it’s easier to think of
that anxious person
i’d become with you

i would be the perfect one
for you to leave behind

(it’s harder to think of the fact
that i still think of you
despite all that)

i can feel the new ties
binding

is this it

the end of
blurred lines
yearning gazes filled with
misunderstood
silence
  
constant conflicts
between the need to live
today
and desperately survive  
tomorrow

is this when we finally
adjust
to life

like they all did before us

we always did
dwell
too long

you look happy now

is this when we at last
leave love
and turn to
friendship

you bring me back
to yellow walls
and a see trough personality

I guess you had your problems
as well

regardless of
we both ended up
in the same place

but I really hate
how you make me feel

i wondered how it would affect me
if it would at all

i know how i was before
i know how i am now

[before]
restlessly calm
i searched
for skies
in concrete

half a breath
it will sort itself out

[now]
the distance
calms me

i can accept
practically
anything

it have always been worse

half my hand
i lend you

you're one step
back
im already
on my way

i wondered how it would affect me

hand on heart
i was
restless
[before]

[now]
i am
afraid.

so is that why
i reach this pit
of sorrow
pitch black

do my body grieve

not this time again
let go of life
one more time

and so my body will
bleed
with sorrow
for what could have been

one deep sigh
before letting go

is this what i feel
every month
before my period

that might
put some sense
to this
heavy, meaningless
darkness

it's been nothing
but  
november
since mars

and everywhere i look
i see ashes  
from our
outset

it's supposed to
spring life
to new seeds
these forest fires
i've heard  

but it's been
so long

too long

and i still don't sleep
without you
where you've been

did you get the best of me

retrieve you
from the back of my mind

dust you off

when i read us
all over
hidden words
fall out

were you maybe
telling me
all along
between the spaces

there would come a time
you'd have to leave

coffee cups in separate apartments
attending different weddings
soothing comments from parents
longing for grandkids
a sudden empty feeling
below the chest
when stumbling over fragments of
us

are you also afraid  
we will not find our way back?

I miss you so.

Sometimes
I think we lay down
right beside
miles away
close apart

Sometimes I get scared
that we walk on
drift away

Are you
my only
closest one

Sometimes
day by day
I miss you more

get stuck on me
like you were at times

around your kitchen table
in the reflection of your eyes
i could be
everything
anything

in the corner of your bed
i hear the future
in your breath

you see
dreams
in the hair
behind my ear

but
you close your eyes
breathe out
my hair falls out
again

everything is passing
with you  

ending.

alongside
stillness
grows
the storm

the closer you get
the further i reach

your presence
create spaces
where your shadows will
hollow

underneath
your dreams
im untold

[you pull me closer]
[are you leaving]

with the same intensity
felicity
sorrow
tenderness
rage

little by little

what if you stay
what if you leave
im equally afraid
of both

will there be anything left to feel
when we lay to rest
at last.

it was never
about the sun with you
but the moon
cold
surrounded by darkness

still,
a light
against it all

fall
for us
the sky
cries itself
empty

resting in your eyes
are dreams
I never
reached

in grey layers
below
we see it all
but nothing ever
lingers  

the sky
falls
cries itself
empty

for us.

to like or not to like
that sure is the question

if i don't like
then maybe you'd think
i'm bitter

that i've seen the picture of you two
and simply
did not like it
which then ofcourse would be the case

i do want us to leave all hustle behind
and value or friendship
for real this time

if i like
then i would surely place us
as just friends
and at the same
erase all historical bounds  
make sure to say
you're just any friend to me now

i'm not sure you ever gonna be
just any friend though

i cherish our past
and future
equally

is there a click for saying
i'm so happy you finally fell
luckily in love
please remember and value me
anyway  

kind regards
your former love
and
present friend

i can't believe we're talking about
not being us

everyone i ever met
wanted something out of me

you're the only one who loved me more

no love that made you want to
hurt me
control me
own me

you simply loved me
sincere

what will we be apart?

after all
he’s immortal
but only a memory
for anyone
left behind

you can still feel
the empty seat
and no words erase that
but all still try

when he died
his life was filled with them
until his dying breath
and the main part of his life
involved them

but for them
he will always be a chapter

in twenty years
they’ll still remember
their best friend
from school

always a memory
always undying

on everyones lips
but unspeakable

and still
only a part
of their lives

sand
nestled in
everywhere.
tiny pieces of
pain and happiness

i know.
this is what we choose

like a tide.
do you remain
when the moon shifts

tonight
hide me.
in the corner of your
smile.

tomorrow
just won't find us here.

woke up tonight
in the white ******
January dust

blinking eyes
so stiffed with
silvershaped rust

halfway open
as I looked at the
sun

cant tell where
this grey mist
began

one foot still
on this hard
steady floor

it might be shaking up
tomorrow
can never know for sure

now
you take your rain
and loosing time

I might fight for now
but i'll be fine

filled gazes
behind empty glass
loud thoughts
overthrowing silent feelings

new morning
new dawn
same walks

just like still water
dying to stream

by the window
looking out
changing shape
to fit the box

don't wanna run
away
but where's my
to

sure,
i still sometimes wish you'd see me
when i'm out
running you off

but at last.

i am
running you
off

what if I wake up
three years from now
days eloped

everything I stayed
and walked for
like melting ice

shattered blank sheets
in pace with everything else
falling into place
finding home

what if at last I see clear
and all is passed

what if its fear making me stay
what if its fear making me leave

in air
all thoughts fall
free

and I want it all
desperately

everyday an adventure mixed
with peace

all the same

run
never blaze the fire
bare feet breaking new ground

what means most
to me?

I always reach the same answer
lay down
back in bed
with you

months passes by
and then
slowly

I circle around
back
to the same
piercing fears

i will be a woman
in every land i enter

and when i return
i will be whomever your lips
have made me into

i have never been able to own
my story
my future
myself

i have always belonged
to someone else

like you said
in green agony
'you were mine first'

but don't you see?

i was never yours

how could i?
when i have always been mine

first
and foremost

day by day
the revolution approaches
day by day
we rise

twice
i washed my black sweater

still  
when i put it on  
it smelled like you

i have been through
hundred times worse

bleed my heart out
on a wet concrete floor
picked every daisy
ruthlessly
rootlessly

just recently
parted
from a lifetime

but you
and your scent
in under my skin

i think somehow
you represent
time
and how it changes
everything

what have i lost
what have i gained

i am older now

pull my sweater off
chuck it back into the washer
drown it with laundry detergents
and perfume

when i put it back on
it better not smell of
broken dreams
and anxiety

sometimes
i think all we ever do
is fall in love with the same person
over and over
in the shape of someone new

i dreamt of you tonight

you were getting married
we were invited
all your friends

and i felt happy for you
after all
it made me calm
seeing your bliss

still
when greeting us
you wouldn't meet my eyes

was it pity you felt?

because despite it all
now
i was history
and you were finally beginning your
future

sometimes
i long to be her
the one you used to touch

we never
found eachother
despite our desperate dreams

we never
got eachother
(understood or to keep)

but sometimes
i want to be there
seventeen again

driven crazy by your gaze
wondering about your silence
analysing your texts

your lips on my shoulder
falling fifteen stores
by your touch
swept off my feet

but never
never
figuring eachother out

i never did
get (to) you

I find the key
Trick the door open
Ride the tiny elevator up to the third floor
Unlock your door

Everywhere is signs of you
Feelings of ease

I water your plants
Make sure they're happy
Return your hair dryer on your kitchen table

Look around
Sigh

Walk out
Turn the key
Feel the handle
Make sure it's locked

Elevator down
Ground floor
Walk on out

Back again on Wednesday

summer heat
feeling the sun breathe

seven years ago
we were just about to meet

now
kiss on cheeks
we part

i strain myself
from looking back  

moving
keeps my shattered parts
in peace

the sun sets
over our streets

maybe seven years from now
we will be done
with our goodbyes

someone with a voice like yours
in that white glas building thousand miles away
brought you to place

i had forgotten
what your presence offered me

it wasn't all imaginary comfort and pitch black
i spent time with you for a reason

so then joy was back
and i wondered maybe we would manage to get along
to mean something else
these days

but a sight of an ignorant try to make peace
or simply deny
with no reply

and how it breaks me down

it wasn't all laugh and deep talks
my memories became aching for a reason

i had forgotten
what your presence asked of me

and they all applied to the consequences of your absence.

if they could see themselves now
twenty years ahead

if I had known
five years back
would I still have moved along

if we could see the truth
in the eyes of the prophet
while entering
how many would walk in

if we had the end
in our hands
for how many would the begining
still be worth more

sometimes I think we're blessed
with ignorance
lucky
time moves
one second at a time

for how many hours of
bliss and peace
wouldn't we miss
if we knew back then

how we were gonna die

i envy you
at times

you have always been
all or nothing
black or white

once in
youre in it for the long run
and if you leave
youre not ever looking back

i remember how it used to scare me
being either one of those

the one you stayed for
the one you left behind

i always keep my mind in the clouds
all i ever felt
preserved neatly inside of me
dying to wear out
dying to get out

filled with contrasts
bursting with pasts

i curse my abstruse heart

always so restless
always so incalculable

i do wonder
if you feel my uneven heart beat
when we lay still
or if your peaceful ways
simply
smooths my irregular ways out
inconspicuously

When did it all
modify
to this

I can see
their dark eyes
longing
but I can't
no I can't
stand still
for you

I don't mind
being left behind
days like these

seems like I search
for moments like this
the ones who never last

do I want to feel
something again
more than just
indifference

do I need to feel some
difference

more than just
stupor
more than just
happiness

one day
it will have to come back
it will have to
catch up with me

why do I
stand still
just long enough
to watch you walk

filled with
facilitation
mixed with
craze

I can stay
I can fall
but I never stand still
long enough
to actually
pursue
any of my plans

and you don't ever
walk back
to me

heat me up
prevent me from
turning into
hard
blue
water

crystal-clear ice

I can’t count the amount of times you’ve saved me
since first class and up to seventh’
where I was lost in life
you guided my way
so meaningful

after that
when I made my hardest choices
which shaped me
you were right beside

in some cases
you were the first one I turned to
thoughts I haven’t even dared to think about by myself
with you
they became sentences
with reason

sometimes
you were the hardest one to talk to
admitting to you
meant reality
and finally letting go

green summer grass
wandering around
all options are open
that’s how it feels with you

when I broke down
winter snow
pointless

sitting in your bed
took away the feeling of
meaningless

I don’t know how
but
soft warm pillows
comforting and isolating
it felt just like that

the world gained brightness
and color
once more

now I can see your sorrow
and I want to surround you with blankets
life won’t disappear from you
I promise
it’s okay to rest your head

and sometimes
life doesn’t take us where we’d hoped
but we'll figure it out
somehow
we always have

green fence and
water wars
old diarys collecting
thoughts
our land by the
rainbow
turkish delight and a pleasant invite to
the kids party
your summer resort
and mine
throwing snowballs at kids
making videos
and songs
just dropping by
doing nothing

eighteen years
still counting

you are
and will always be
my good friend

a hand on my waist
compliment

your gaze
******* me

i wish i didn't need it

i wish i could appreciate it

now
i'm lonely if you don't
easy if you do

i wish my worth
dependent on more
than your gaze

i dress myself.
in the silent breath
between
your
words.

everything.
fits
here

everything.
i pretend  
i never was

everything.
you are prepared to
give me

reduced to
this.

i dress myself
slowly.

as if the light from your silence
reflected on my
naked skin
don't bother me.

how empty it is
the mute

the outline of how
ambiguous
plain
it is

while i stand still
the ink dries

a tempest of emotions
but all i portray
is blank sheets
untouched

Same class
junior high

you were placed beside me
making me nervous
I remember

but in time
you were my warmth
when things were growing colder

before that
they tried to match us up
she never told the whole story
and we didn’t fall

I want to blame her for it all
but you were searching for perfect
so I reversed

in comment for us both
is that she hurt us terrible
but we ignore that

she doesn’t affect us at all anymore
right?

but she does
and I hate having that
binding us together

it always drifted us apart

the last months
in junior high
and I allowed everyone
but myself
to make my choices

a diamond in your eyes
only for the others voices
for you I always was a dream
for someone else

a beautiful image

we weren’t so beautiful
at all
aboard
at hand

now
I want to remember you
the way we were
when we were both still dreaming

before colliding
turning friendship
into hazard love

and maybe one day
I will be back
outside your door
hanging around
ignoring your noes

sometimes you came
sometimes you didn't

we never cared
you were my friend
it was easy
we didn’t worry about
the end

I still wonder what your
truth is
for all of this

who would have thought
back then
that we would
share it all
and tear it all apart

how it is
to mean
so little

you clean your list
erase me
along with others
i'm sure

i always made sure
to mean more
in the past

now
it stunnes me
how insignificant
i must have been to you

i guess it serves a purpose
to experience that as well

but it hurts
slightly more
than i thought it would

american mouth playing

i remember it well
still it makes me paralyzed
thinking of it

drowning me with sorrow
bringing me out
on the run

but if i leave
there are people here
being left behind

who are we?

we do not fight
we do not fight

except when this
returns in waves

you
feeling
unprioritized  
unloved
scared

me
feeling
insufficient       
hamstrung  
lost

you are
my only
one  

i spoke of you
around the globe
through the stars
and back

you made a
home for me
warm and bright
no strings attached

we never fought
we do not fight

but this one
these fears  
never seem to
fade

what will it make of us?

i miss
your giant sleepy-head
and cute ****
your cozy morning face  
and sleep walks

long for
our night talks
and shared jokes
your rowdiness
and falling asleep on the wrong side

catching up
after long days apart
wet kisses
before depart

we always valued
independence
and following our dreams
but 355 miles apart
today
it makes me value your presence
just a little bit more

soon enough
i will have dreamt myself
weary
of us

the presence
of your absence
will fade

soon enough
the need to relive your touch
reread your texts
will ebb out

the shadow of your kisses
will be oddly
tasteless

and then
one day  

i will have walked past
your apartment
without realising
your lights
were on

Eighteen years
and he was gonna graduate
the coming year

his smile
said to be
the most beautiful
and all agree

how different it all was
without knowing he’d be gone
the year to come

his family
facing facts
but did they ever accept

his dad
was gathered

who had and will have
the hardest time to take it in?

his mum talked to God
his son was gonna enter
one day
did she ever accept
that day was gonna come soon
or did she always pray
for a little more time

did they ever stop hoping
that they wouldn’t be forced to bury
their son?

and the love of his life
they settled down
although deciding not to marry
she sais he never stopped talking
about their future

and now
every coming day
will put his last breath
further away

we saw each other grow up
and they cannot go back
to ordinary
because he’s not

I wonder when they knew
if they ever believed
that he wasn’t gonna be there
one day

she sais the pain grows bigger
every day
the lost gets more substantial

this town will not ever be the same
because he was gonna live
just like every one of us
until he died
and everyone knew
and it broke us down

the big people
they bleed
and the small people
they bleed

how can we not
after this?

when I saw her walk in
at his hour of commemoration
I never heard pain so load
never seen despair so clear

and his best friends
their eyes were not the same
so tired
and their bodies couldn’t take it
carry them up

how can we keep on living
our lives after this
and still,
how can we not?

when we have what everyone wanted for him
what he wanted most

we have our lives left
and we too
are gonna live
*until we die

you draw your breathe
pause and sigh
the lyrics are the same
but i know you're telling me
in the notes below
we're closing in  

i let you sing
we do our dance
play it out

bite my tounge
from spilling my love on you

still
you know i do
i know you do

we always sang it
through the wind

ringing silence
in the quite afternotes
and i wonder how long
we're gonna hear
our song

i can't translate
the words from our pages

they were born out of swedish syllabics

formed by
the dialectic way
you formed your lips
around j's
so different from me

the shifting distance
in our pauses
silently inviting the other one
to pick up

the rytm
in our morning talks
melodies from your tongue  
seconds before  
you break into a smile

our memoirs
are coloured by the
raw cold winter
sprung from northern skies  

and they just won't
render
into something else
despite my aching need
to write you out