on a flight back home
you trade places with the girl next to me to be seated closer to your friends
mine are so far back that i don't even bother

includes me in your conversation immediately

you are funny
attractive
read my signals respectfully
and i like the way you think  

when i drift off to sleep
i hear you telling your friends  
you are looking for the real thing this time

i carry a book from the museum of broken relationships in my bag  

two hours have passed
you ask for my name
it's funny you say
that we've been speaking for so long without knowing

when the plane hit ground
you jump in terror
cut of guard in the middle of a sentence
a hand on my knee
you laugh

with a nervous side-way glance
you ask me out

you could be all i ever wanted
and i still wouldn't be there

when you leave
you look back and smile
you got a sad expression on your face
but good manners

i stay behind

you are not him

they borrow your white knitted sweater without asking
claim its theirs
hand it back eventually
now with blue stains
that won't come off

call you up
while out with their dog
ask what you're up to
cut you off halfway through your reply
turnes out they only wanted to know if you were available
to watch the dog

mention you gained weight
when in your bikini
(no, you did not ask)

but
when you lay in your sofa
contemplating that
hideous feeling below your chest

you receive a text  
asking if you are being kind to
yourself
as you should

tell your mum
when you're not around
how they appreciat how you always cared about people
and that they knew
you were gonna make it

and when you're home
they make you laugh
so hard
you accidentally
*** a little

sure
it annoys you
when you wash the sweater again
that the stains still won't come off

but
it doesn't really matter
does it  
you were kind of tired of that shirt anyway

I can’t count the amount of times you’ve saved me
since first class and up to seventh’
where I was lost in life
you guided my way
so meaningful

after that
when I made my hardest choices
which shaped me
you were right beside

in some cases
you were the first one I turned to
thoughts I haven’t even dared to think about by myself
with you
they became sentences
with reason

sometimes
you were the hardest one to talk to
admitting to you
meant reality
and finally letting go

green summer grass
wandering around
all options are open
that’s how it feels with you

when I broke down
winter snow
pointless

sitting in your bed
took away the feeling of
meaningless

I don’t know how
but
soft warm pillows
comforting and isolating
it felt just like that

the world gained brightness
and color
once more

now I can see your sorrow
and I want to surround you with blankets
life won’t disappear from you
I promise
it’s okay to rest your head

and sometimes
life doesn’t take us where we’d hoped
but we'll figure it out
somehow
we always have

green fence and
water wars
old diarys collecting
thoughts
our land by the
rainbow
turkish delight and a pleasant invite to
the kids party
your summer resort
and mine
throwing snowballs at kids
making videos
and songs
just dropping by
doing nothing

eighteen years
still counting

you are
and will always be
my good friend

suddenly i know
where you are on thursdays at 8 pm
the number of pillows in your bed
and what you and your grandma talks about

you only ever saw
the drawn out clothes in my wardrobe
and my hallway plant

all i craved
i got
momentarily

and then
you left

back on the sofa
count the patterns on my wall

no, i know
it was what it was
nothing more
nothing less
i guess

but i rather not have this new knowledge
in the back of my chest
it interrupts my important plans
staring at the wall

my entire
body
remembers

it breathes
in my pulse

all my shattered dreams
resting in the hall
beside our shoes

everything
starts over

and i know exactly
how this looks
from behind

today.
you got married.

i recognise this
half-full
half-empty
yearning feeling

i used to get it all the time.
from your late night texts
what seems like
millions of years ago

an explosion of
emotions.
all in contrast

still
we always wished eachother
well
in the end.

today.
you got married.

now.
you are a married man.

So this is the time in life
Where your high school friends are having children
Your exes are getting married

And you are just sitting there
In your small (yet cosy) apartment
Thinking of why that makes you sad

Like obviously you don't want that life yet
But it would be nice if they would all just chill down a bit
We're not quite there yet
(Are we?)

it can't be you.

you are too lucky.
in all.
(no, not all)

you are too fortunate.
always stumbled across success.
(you were raised by a beater,
alcoholic)

but you are a survivor.
you are. you are.

you can't have been on that plane.
no you just cant. you can't.
it's not like you.
(but on sunday's you almost always are)

i long for your reply.
"no thank god i'm fine"
(my god. you are not usually this silent)

.

rest well.

sand
nestled in
everywhere.
tiny pieces of
pain and happiness

i know.
this is what we choose

like a tide.
do you remain
when the moon shifts

tonight
hide me.
in the corner of your
smile.

tomorrow
just won't find us here.

Same class
junior high

you were placed beside me
making me nervous
I remember

but in time
you were my warmth
when things were growing colder

before that
they tried to match us up
she never told the whole story
and we didn’t fall

I want to blame her for it all
but you were searching for perfect
so I reversed

in comment for us both
is that she hurt us terrible
but we ignore that

she doesn’t affect us at all anymore
right?

but she does
and I hate having that
binding us together

it always drifted us apart

the last months
in junior high
and I allowed everyone
but myself
to make my choices

a diamond in your eyes
only for the others voices
for you I always was a dream
for someone else

a beautiful image

we weren’t so beautiful
at all
aboard
at hand

now
I want to remember you
the way we were
when we were both still dreaming

before colliding
turning friendship
into hazard love

and maybe one day
I will be back
outside your door
hanging around
ignoring your noes

sometimes you came
sometimes you didn't

we never cared
you were my friend
it was easy
we didn’t worry about
the end

I still wonder what your
truth is
for all of this

who would have thought
back then
that we would
share it all
and tear it all apart

so is that why
i reach this pit
of sorrow
pitch black

do my body grieve

not this time again
let go of life
one more time

and so my body will
bleed
with sorrow
for what could have been

one deep sigh
before letting go

is this what i feel
every month
before my period

that might
put some sense
to this
heavy, meaningless
darkness

I find the key
Trick the door open
Ride the tiny elevator up to the third floor
Unlock your door

Everywhere is signs of you
Feelings of ease

I water your plants
Make sure they're happy
Return your hair dryer on your kitchen table

Look around
Sigh

Walk out
Turn the key
Feel the handle
Make sure it's locked

Elevator down
Ground floor
Walk on out

Back again on Wednesday

a hand on my waist
compliment

your gaze
******* me

i wish i didn't need it

i wish i could appreciate it

now
i'm lonely if you don't
easy if you do

i wish my worth
dependent on more
than your gaze

create clouds
out of pebbles
hang myself to dry
on a silver lining

return to pasts
dwell
in their long lost shadows

move myself with it
as it shifts
with the sun

in my garden
linger on the scent
from my newly planted
reminisces

if they could see themselves now
twenty years ahead

if I had known
five years back
would I still have moved along

if we could see the truth
in the eyes of the prophet
while entering
how many would walk in

if we had the end
in our hands
for how many would the begining
still be worth more

sometimes I think we're blessed
with ignorance
lucky
time moves
one second at a time

for how many hours of
bliss and peace
wouldn't we miss
if we knew back then

how we were gonna die

i know
the idea of you
is pointless

nevertheless
today
i dream of you
like i tend to do

in that valley
where i left your kiss
hanging in the air

i could feel you waiting
for a change of heart in me

my heart never changed
it still beats with the same
ambiguous beats

i cannot remember
our night time talks
and forget our burned down silence

all the same i try

tingling agony
desperate for your gaze

i cannot shake you off

longing for your absence
to pass

suddenly
everything changed.

we do not play
by the same premise
anymore

you have the power
to start us up
finish us off

i'm meant to follow.
feel.

you categorize me
squeeze me in
reduce me
to this.

give me two options
to be
both equality wrong
because they are not me

and i hate you
forcefully
for this

we do not play
by the same premise
you and i

you are the man
i am the woman

now
we are reduced
to this.

soon enough
i will have dreamt myself
weary
of us

the presence
of your absence
will fade

soon enough
the need to relive your touch
reread your texts
will ebb out

the shadow of your kisses
will be oddly
tasteless

and then
one day  

i will have walked past
your apartment
without realising
your lights
were on

to like or not to like
that sure is the question

if i don't like
then maybe you'd think
i'm bitter

that i've seen the picture of you two
and simply
did not like it
which then ofcourse would be the case

i do want us to leave all hustle behind
and value or friendship
for real this time

if i like
then i would surely place us
as just friends
and at the same
erase all historical bounds  
make sure to say
you're just any friend to me now

i'm not sure you ever gonna be
just any friend though

i cherish our past
and future
equally

is there a click for saying
i'm so happy you finally fell
luckily in love
please remember and value me
anyway  

kind regards
your former love
and
present friend

coffee cups in separate apartments
attending different weddings
soothing comments from parents
longing for grandkids
a sudden empty feeling
below the chest
when stumbling over fragments of
us

are you also afraid  
we will not find our way back?

I miss you so.

a pull
towards you

i want
my fingers trough your hair
linger on your curls
your eyes
to linger on my curves

i want you
to long for me
bending down when you're
too long for me

your breathe
on my lips
a pull
on my hips

towards you

how empty it is
the mute

the outline of how
ambiguous
plain
it is

while i stand still
the ink dries

a tempest of emotions
but all i portray
is blank sheets
untouched

i will be a woman
in every land i enter

and when i return
i will be whomever your lips
have made me into

i have never been able to own
my story
my future
myself

i have always belonged
to someone else

like you said
in green agony
'you were mine first'

but don't you see?

i was never yours

how could i?
when i have always been mine

first
and foremost

day by day
the revolution approaches
day by day
we rise

twice
i washed my black sweater

still  
when i put it on  
it smelled like you

i have been through
hundred times worse

bleed my heart out
on a wet concrete floor
picked every daisy
ruthlessly
rootlessly

just recently
parted
from a lifetime

but you
and your scent
in under my skin

i think somehow
you represent
time
and how it changes
everything

what have i lost
what have i gained

i am older now

pull my sweater off
chuck it back into the washer
drown it with laundry detergents
and perfume

when i put it back on
it better not smell of
broken dreams
and anxiety

i dress myself.
in the silent breath
between
your
words.

everything.
fits
here

everything.
i pretend  
i never was

everything.
you are prepared to
give me

reduced to
this.

i dress myself
slowly.

as if the light from your silence
reflected on my
naked skin
don't bother me.

I guess there's a million ways
to make it alright

a million reasons
to win this fight

but I cant wake up
and I cant begin

I cant even get your words
to sink in

somehow its easier
to place you in categories

ignore your names
your eyes, your storys

you're too angry
and show no respect

there's even something wrong
with beeing too perfect

I do this
so that we cant part

because it simply cant end
if I wont give it a start

with all things for now in hand
you did
make me happy
for some time

and that time
should always count in
as a reason enough
in the end

it’s easier to think of you
the way you constantly fell in love
making me just one in the line
of all your miserable loves

you always seemed to choose the
impossible ones

(it’s harder to think of how you told me
and the room filled with sleeping travelers
that this isn’t about wanting the unattainable
this is something unfeigned)

it’s easier to think of you
the way your silence reached over days
impossible to get to
constant involved deep in your pain

you always seemed to feel
the world did you wrong

(it’s harder to think of our long talks
safely protected by the night
mixed with tears of laughter
and well-hidden secrets from our past)

it’s easier to think of you
and how your stubborn ways made everything
so incredible hard

you always seemed to find comfort
in beating me to our end

(it’s harder to think of all that trouble you put yourself through
just to make me happy again)

it’s easier to think of
that anxious person
i’d become with you

i would be the perfect one
for you to leave behind

(it’s harder to think of the fact
that i still think of you
despite all that)

when you told me to be flattered
for being someones crush
while patching me up in the classroom
you taught me to mistake violence
for love
disrespect
for affection  

constantly forcing me beside him
in hope that i might calm him down
taught me that his need for being comforted
was worth more
than my need to be safe

when you asked me to keep my no in for just a little while longer
you taught me to shrink my vioce to make room for others
and that my opinion
caused more discomfort
than his actions

and still
after all years of printing that in
you got the nerve to expect me to
loudly state no
and walk away from an abusing man
who use all those expression of love and affection
you taught me
to forgive

I can't write out the silence. The absence of your breath. You never made it. Who wants to be, honestly. In the middle of it.
Isn't life supposed to be more than this.

i can feel the new ties
binding

is this it

the end of
blurred lines
yearning gazes filled with
misunderstood
silence
  
constant conflicts
between the need to live
today
and desperately survive  
tomorrow

is this when we finally
adjust
to life

like they all did before us

we always did
dwell
too long

you look happy now

is this when we at last
leave love
and turn to
friendship

as if our roads were never meant to cross
although our feets lead us right to this
like we never stood for real,
as I saw it in your eyes

and all that time that built our pieces back,
as if we never were meant to do anything other than
break, and build ourselves back
-          to this

I hope you found you liked yourself better this way,
like I did
(we were both so stormed apart as one)

most of the time
unnoticed
but sometimes I get that feeling
and I cannot breathe

I don’t mind
the world between us
it doesn’t separate us you see

but I do mind
that it makes it easier to hide ourselves

and nothing scares me more
than the apprehension
that you might not feel ok

waste no time
explaining for her
she never gets what its like
for  a machoman
out there

give no effort
to  listen to her longer than
your crush
they've even made up a word
to prevent that
****

dont let her think about
making a point
judge her by the looks instead

and if she behaves badly
just call her a ****
and wonder outloud
what her family done wrong

it's her flaws
so punish her
still, dont give her the beauty of being a rebell
she must have been taught wrong
from somewhere

you hush her up
there's three simple words to describe her
beautiful, ugly or ****

it's as simple as that
move her from beautiful
to ****
if she reach more than
a certain amount of boyfriends
a year
or dismiss you

proven even by the hate of gay
there's something wrong with not beeing
man enough

you rip her apart
with feelings only a whip hand man
can provide her with

yet she's the one left with
shame and disbelief
answer
weren't you leading him on

give her the signal that
leading him on is punished
with ****

you never heard her rap about
a man in every state
with pride

because you see
there's a big difference
to the glory of it
when you add a S
in front of the he

So

after all those years

all thoughts
deep at night
tying knots

all those nodes
of emotions
jammed

I guess we turned out okay

always inbetween

with and without
an undertone

like you said,
we'll stop talking
drift apart
live on

like I said,
we'll meet again
peacefully combined
  
who's to decide
what counts

I guess I always wanted to mean
something
I guess all parts aren't
affiliated
I guess we aren't
alright

but we are okay
for now
aren't we?

i envy you
at times

you have always been
all or nothing
black or white

once in
youre in it for the long run
and if you leave
youre not ever looking back

i remember how it used to scare me
being either one of those

the one you stayed for
the one you left behind

i always keep my mind in the clouds
all i ever felt
preserved neatly inside of me
dying to wear out
dying to get out

filled with contrasts
bursting with pasts

i curse my abstruse heart

always so restless
always so incalculable

i do wonder
if you feel my uneven heart beat
when we lay still
or if your peaceful ways
simply
smooths my irregular ways out
inconspicuously

all I need to hear from you is that

you're sorry for ******* this up
sorry for making this
so unbearable for me
sorry for stepping on me
on my last attempt
up

won't you just tell me that

you forgive me for not always
giving you my all
but tell me that you know I did my best
at many times
and that you're sorry
you didn't

all I want from you is an apology for

showing me no respect
or heed
chrushing my last shred of
self-respect
and then leaving me
for her

all I want

is a sign of
soul
in you

won't you just
care
for me

now when we lost
everything else

and the world seem to shift in colour
disrupt it's grey
when you cross my way

how it is
to mean
so little

you clean your list
erase me
along with others
i'm sure

i always made sure
to mean more
in the past

now
it stunnes me
how insignificant
i must have been to you

i guess it serves a purpose
to experience that as well

but it hurts
slightly more
than i thought it would

What if almost everything
begun with you
all those half-moments
disguised in the back
covered up in black

that creeping feeling
under my skin
a silent trapped revolution
dying to break free
choking on the pressure of someone elses need to own me

a constant conflict
an equal yearn to be as central as unseen
always on first and second place
the need to seek approval in every meeting face

what if every dying love
every trapped emotion
begun with us

because what you asked of me
for ten long years
I could never give
the pain from our scars never found ease
and we never did
make peace.

sometimes
i think all we ever do
is fall in love with the same person
over and over
in the shape of someone new

Eighteen years
and he was gonna graduate
the coming year

his smile
said to be
the most beautiful
and all agree

how different it all was
without knowing he’d be gone
the year to come

his family
facing facts
but did they ever accept

his dad
was gathered

who had and will have
the hardest time to take it in?

his mum talked to God
his son was gonna enter
one day
did she ever accept
that day was gonna come soon
or did she always pray
for a little more time

did they ever stop hoping
that they wouldn’t be forced to bury
their son?

and the love of his life
they settled down
although deciding not to marry
she sais he never stopped talking
about their future

and now
every coming day
will put his last breath
further away

we saw each other grow up
and they cannot go back
to ordinary
because he’s not

I wonder when they knew
if they ever believed
that he wasn’t gonna be there
one day

she sais the pain grows bigger
every day
the lost gets more substantial

this town will not ever be the same
because he was gonna live
just like every one of us
until he died
and everyone knew
and it broke us down

the big people
they bleed
and the small people
they bleed

how can we not
after this?

when I saw her walk in
at his hour of commemoration
I never heard pain so load
never seen despair so clear

and his best friends
their eyes were not the same
so tired
and their bodies couldn’t take it
carry them up

how can we keep on living
our lives after this
and still,
how can we not?

when we have what everyone wanted for him
what he wanted most

we have our lives left
and we too
are gonna live
*until we die

woke up tonight
in the white ******
January dust

blinking eyes
so stiffed with
silvershaped rust

halfway open
as I looked at the
sun

cant tell where
this grey mist
began

one foot still
on this hard
steady floor

it might be shaking up
tomorrow
can never know for sure

now
you take your rain
and loosing time

I might fight for now
but i'll be fine

sure,
i still sometimes wish you'd see me
when i'm out
running you off

but at last.

i am
running you
off

what if I wake up
three years from now
days eloped

everything I stayed
and walked for
like melting ice

shattered blank sheets
in pace with everything else
falling into place
finding home

what if at last I see clear
and all is passed

what if its fear making me stay
what if its fear making me leave

in air
all thoughts fall
free

and I want it all
desperately

everyday an adventure mixed
with peace

all the same

run
never blaze the fire
bare feet breaking new ground

what means most
to me?

I always reach the same answer
lay down
back in bed
with you

months passes by
and then
slowly

I circle around
back
to the same
piercing fears