Sometimes
I think we lay down
right beside
miles away
close apart

Sometimes I get scared
that we walk on
drift away

Are you
my only
closest one

Sometimes
day by day
I miss you more

12.05 and you're back

I don't know how to be me
around you  
I know nothing  
but to fall again
sooner or later

and it frightens me
the way your rain always linger in

so I hear myself out
convince myself that somehow
this time
my no will be enough

But,
16.25 and still
I have no waterproof reply

who are we?

we do not fight
we do not fight

except when this
returns in waves

you
feeling
unprioritized  
unloved
scared

me
feeling
insufficient       
hamstrung  
lost

you are
my only
one  

i spoke of you
around the globe
through the stars
and back

you made a
home for me
warm and bright
no strings attached

we never fought
we do not fight

but this one
these fears  
never seem to
fade

what will it make of us?

you bring me back
to yellow walls
and a see trough personality

I guess you had your problems
as well

regardless of
we both ended up
in the same place

but I really hate
how you make me feel

sometimes
i long to be her
the one you used to touch

we never
found eachother
despite our desperate dreams

we never
got eachother
(understood or to keep)

but sometimes
i want to be there
seventeen again

driven crazy by your gaze
wondering about your silence
analysing your texts

your lips on my shoulder
falling fifteen stores
by your touch
swept off my feet

but never
never
figuring eachother out

i never did
get (to) you

do you feel

my affliction
how it twirls
bears me down
on my way up

do you recognize

my ambivalence
we are through
but never sufficient

do you see

my fortitude
my pride
my lack of strength
shame
how i blend into the wall
behind

see me
through me
remember me
let me go

do you share

my yearn
always for the diminutive
in the everlasting

the need
to stir

so fallible
so inevitable


and there comes you
so smooth
you fold me in
brush me out
lies me down

are you aware

are you aware of how you save me?
all of the sudden
life is not so unwieldy
all in all its still

step by step i touch down  
with you
again

and its sufficient

i looked down at my hand today
all bruises gone
hadn't even realised they were fading

after all this time
i'd come to peace with having them
guessing they were that type who'd always last  

all the shattered glass
have since long  
left my body

five years in
all that's left
is a small scar  
against my wind-bitten hand

i can't believe we're talking about
not being us

everyone i ever met
wanted something out of me

you're the only one who loved me more

no love that made you want to
hurt me
control me
own me

you simply loved me
sincere

what will we be apart?

if you erased all words
cleaned the paper
blank again  

would the feelings
still breathe
in the paper

you know like secrets do
in air  
between the meaningfull gaze
of two close friends

i dreamt of you tonight

you were getting married
we were invited
all your friends

and i felt happy for you
after all
it made me calm
seeing your bliss

still
when greeting us
you wouldn't meet my eyes

was it pity you felt?

because despite it all
now
i was history
and you were finally beginning your
future

rewrite the story
change every word
disguise it behind
new meanings
squeeze it out of context

what lingers

it is all too vast
is it all too vast

turn the sentences
around
can you hear the origins
beating below
a brand new sound

do you feel the smoke
from wet ink
a different form
the feelings
still breathing
in a new poem

"Let's take a walk. Just as friends, I promise. For old times sake, let's just talk"

So as friends
I ended up pinned down on the snow  
hands inside my shirt and forced to a kiss when I clearly said no
then simply left alone on the ground  
because apparently to you my no meant 'let's fool around'

just standard procedures with all your friends I guess
why should I expect anything less

as my friend
you told my boyfriends
behind my back
I wasn't one to keep

so when I was down
you could comfort me
as a friend
and maybe stay to sleep

I was told to see your behaviour as signs of love and be flattered
and that I maybe
anyway  
should have known better

like this precious friendship
was a perfectly logical consequence
of me ending it, telling you no
and therefore having too much confidence

but I can't mistake your lack of respect for love
and I have a right to choose the latter
besides, I firmly believe
you always were the one
who should have known
better.

filled gazes
behind empty glass
loud thoughts
overthrowing silent feelings

new morning
new dawn
same walks

just like still water
dying to stream

by the window
looking out
changing shape
to fit the box

don't wanna run
away
but where's my
to

you draw your breathe
pause and sigh
the lyrics are the same
but i know you're telling me
in the notes below
we're closing in  

i let you sing
we do our dance
play it out

bite my tounge
from spilling my love on you

still
you know i do
i know you do

we always sang it
through the wind

ringing silence
in the quite afternotes
and i wonder how long
we're gonna hear
our song

this time
i need to make it out
alive.

retrieve you
from the back of my mind

dust you off

when i read us
all over
hidden words
fall out

were you maybe
telling me
all along
between the spaces

there would come a time
you'd have to leave

fall
for us
the sky
cries itself
empty

resting in your eyes
are dreams
I never
reached

in grey layers
below
we see it all
but nothing ever
lingers  

the sky
falls
cries itself
empty

for us.

Black big circle on the left side
dark mist, undiaphanous
a bit in the way but still,
like the moon
on the other side of the globe

right side a grey foggy one
for what can be
paint it over
but not as dark as the first one
after all its not finished yet

a long sinuous road in the middle of the two circles
moving around them, stirring
not too close but still bound to them

one unpacked, filled bag

the first one
painted so dark you could tell it must have hurt
whatever hidden under is well hooded

the latter one
so insecurly filled
nothing certain
all unsettled

might add some colour
to the road

i miss
your giant sleepy-head
and cute ****
your cozy morning face  
and sleep walks

long for
our night talks
and shared jokes
your rowdiness
and falling asleep on the wrong side

catching up
after long days apart
wet kisses
before depart

we always valued
independence
and following our dreams
but 355 miles apart
today
it makes me value your presence
just a little bit more

feverly searching
for that toxic taste
of gasoline

light my match
on your air
conscious clean

all i am
are explosions
and the time between them
on the floor

gathering my parts enough
to set myself
on fire
once more

summer heat
feeling the sun breathe

seven years ago
we were just about to meet

now
kiss on cheeks
we part

i strain myself
from looking back  

moving
keeps my shattered parts
in peace

the sun sets
over our streets

maybe seven years from now
we will be done
with our goodbyes

do you remember telling time by stars? and trading places at dawn?

how are you? do you miss your grandpa? how's life?

will we ever be ok?

i miss you.

what i will miss

the childish look on your face
when you get an idea

how you melted into me
drew me nearer in bed
like we were meant to lay there
all times

hand in hand
and everything we dreamt of
our homes

honestly
i cant even begin listing it

all is too vast
it ends up
blank

everything made sense with you
and i don’t even belive in that

let me

speak my
autumn leaves
and the consequences of their
swirl

of naked pale trees
shivering

talk calmly  
to the melted snow flakes
revolutionise with the icy wind

purl alongside spring fishes
upstream

breathe dense air
down my sore chest

let me
confess my
storm

make peace
at last
with the
shifting of seasons

it was never
about the sun with you
but the moon
cold
surrounded by darkness

still,
a light
against it all

you once said
rather cheat and loose
than win fair

mis-user
always a liar

you were already underneath it
when I met you

laid down
for some time
the rain became dry

always needed something new
to speed it up

dig your own grave
when did you start

contradictious
you would never
yet you do

back then
you couldnt care less
until I walked

despite all that
now and days we always smile when we come across

and somehow
everytime I see you
Im stunned by
how increadible beautiful
you are to me

still it always comes back to me
in the end

stay in touch you say
after holding my hand
always in the moment

my old love
you could go anywhere
and I hope you will

but for now
youre still under it, arent you

your
replies
jokes  
talks
gazing stars
arm to arm
convert ideas

never
and far too
alike

on my own
on the run
night
days

it's been years

will it ever pass/change/end

get stuck on me
like you were at times

around your kitchen table
in the reflection of your eyes
i could be
everything
anything

in the corner of your bed
i hear the future
in your breath

you see
dreams
in the hair
behind my ear

but
you close your eyes
breathe out
my hair falls out
again

everything is passing
with you  

ending.

its been more than eight years
since last you got your way
and i still swill with spite
thinking of it

just like those forest fires on the news
uncontrolled
deadly

i don't even know how to phrase it

i always cared about
making peace

but with you

we never got to be ok
you burned that last bridge down
and for once  
i couldn't allow you to
rebuilt it

how could you
shrink me into
nothingness

your trophy
used

and above all that
how can i still lay here
after all these years

listening to the
echoes
of your footsteps  
on my chest

i have always been so certain
of my rights

but how can we possibly
decide
when life counts

and yet
how can they possibly
decide
ours doesnt
anymore

it could have been
more in life for you
mum

somehow

i can't say i'm sorry
i can't say i'm not

do i linger
timelessly
tiredlessly
where others
call it off?

my god
it just hit me
that i might

because how well i recognize
the patterns of your footsteps
and the hollow feeling
their echo
leave behind

so my one cat
are on a diet  
fat as a bun
marshmallowly white

the vet sais
i can slim her down eventual
if i change her food
and that it is essential

my other cat
are not  
furry like a fandom  
gingerly walnut

everyday
my ginger cat lifts my mood
he purrs and stroke my legs
so i'll bring him his non-diet food

when he gets it
he walks away into the hall
so my white cat can enter
and eat it all

in return
my white cat joins me in the sofa
purring and sweet
makes me think she needs me
brings me to my feet

she walks me to the door
where i see my ginger cat outside
waiting for me to let him in
(ignoring the cat door just beside)

we have our games
i know they fool me, absolute
but i can't help it
they're just so **** cute

someone with a voice like yours
in that white glas building thousand miles away
brought you to place

i had forgotten
what your presence offered me

it wasn't all imaginary comfort and pitch black
i spent time with you for a reason

so then joy was back
and i wondered maybe we would manage to get along
to mean something else
these days

but a sight of an ignorant try to make peace
or simply deny
with no reply

and how it breaks me down

it wasn't all laugh and deep talks
my memories became aching for a reason

i had forgotten
what your presence asked of me

When did it all
modify
to this

I can see
their dark eyes
longing
but I can't
no I can't
stand still
for you

I don't mind
being left behind
days like these

seems like I search
for moments like this
the ones who never last

do I want to feel
something again
more than just
indifference

do I need to feel some
difference

more than just
stupor
more than just
happiness

one day
it will have to come back
it will have to
catch up with me

why do I
stand still
just long enough
to watch you walk

filled with
facilitation
mixed with
craze

I can stay
I can fall
but I never stand still
long enough
to actually
pursue
any of my plans

and you don't ever
walk back
to me

heat me up
prevent me from
turning into
hard
blue
water

crystal-clear ice

sometimes
i paint you up
in the back of my mind
where i kept you
all these years

i hide from
now
i guess

return to
whens
ifs
nevers

never ever
will we get there

you will not
hold my face
in your hands
and kiss me
for all times you
didn't

you will not
tell me
of all times you
wanted to, but
couldn't

you will not
confess

how you kept me
through all these years
in the back if your mind
just to
sometimes
paint me up

you can make even the greyest wall
gain colour

i wondered how it would affect me
if it would at all

i know how i was before
i know how i am now

[before]
restlessly calm
i searched
for skies
in concrete

half a breath
it will sort itself out

[now]
the distance
calms me

i can accept
practically
anything

it have always been worse

half my hand
i lend you

you're one step
back
im already
on my way

i wondered how it would affect me

hand on heart
i was
restless
[before]

[now]
i am
afraid.

american mouth playing

i remember it well
still it makes me paralyzed
thinking of it

drowning me with sorrow
bringing me out
on the run

but if i leave
there are people here
being left behind

after all
he’s immortal
but only a memory
for anyone
left behind

you can still feel
the empty seat
and no words erase that
but all still try

when he died
his life was filled with them
until his dying breath
and the main part of his life
involved them

but for them
he will always be a chapter

in twenty years
they’ll still remember
their best friend
from school

always a memory
always undying

on everyones lips
but unspeakable

and still
only a part
of their lives

okay
crush me
and every word who stood a chance
shattered glas in your hands

paint it out
my empty wall
find the thread
behind it all

cut it off
slice it through
ruin everything
I was to you

talk me down
don't reminisce
I swear
it feels just like this

does he share  
your point of view?
and what the ****
can I do?

- rumours

I had forgotten everything
you running to me in the rain
soft kisses
wide awake  

hidden moon
blinded
empty nights

so complete
and still
so completely alone

our daily fights
breaking into laughter
mid-way trough  

our world
falling apart

and how I loved you
so fiercely
it took my sense away

you and I
our first of all

nothing was ever more
sincere
and nothing ever as
afflictive
again

I had forgotten everything
you running to me in the rain
soft kisses
wide awake

and after all years
how you linger in me
still

why on earth did we need the feeling of pointless to survive milions of years ago?

morning rises
crispy air
flower buds bursting
dawn is here.

such a mess
we created
you and i

in that chaos
if i could've folded our story out  
on a table in front of me
painted out
objectively

read it all out
as facts  

as it is
our last written trace
five years ago
didn't count for much to the world

'Relationship?'
'Yes'
'Serious?'
'Yes'
'Fun'

however
stumbling over it tonight
it contained our whole world
phrases down to five

what lingers

everything's too vast
(is it all too vast?)

a dream
one kick away

we were not all born
to this

i wish
the peach silence would
reach you

so you'd finally
see
why i had to leave

but through the rear
of the moon
and the skies reflection

i think we forget
we're allowed to grieve
either way

what will happen to
your newly bought home
all your dreams
half finished

will someone sell your
apartment
your furniture

what about your clothes
all the lonely socks
spread around your bed
your laundry
half washed dishes
all your accounts

all the things I wrote to you
unread

what happened
to you
all that was
you

when you died

deep in depths
we kept our calm
brought bliss
and held us warm

now someone else
will be around
for the breakings
and when you stand your ground

you made your choice
to me it's clear
there was something more worth  
than me being there

nothing more
i'll miss our past
but i was never yours
to last

i can't translate
the words from our pages

they were born out of swedish syllabics

formed by
the dialectic way
you formed your lips
around j's
so different from me

the shifting distance
in our pauses
silently inviting the other one
to pick up

the rytm
in our morning talks
melodies from your tongue  
seconds before  
you break into a smile

our memoirs
are coloured by the
raw cold winter
sprung from northern skies  

and they just won't
render
into something else
despite my aching need
to write you out