I feel like I'm drowning
like my lungs are pulling, desperate for air
but all they find is a substance suffocating
I can't see the surface
I'm too far gone
I stopped kicking a long time ago
everybody blurs with the water
but they are swimming
they don't notice I've been sinking
and that my last bubble of air
has escaped my lips
in the form of a cry for help

those shorts fit you last summer
she says
you've lost weight
she observes
you didn't weigh enough to begin with
she barks
are you eating
she asks
you can't afford to miss a meal
she shouts
finish all your food
she demands
she acts like she cares
but in reality
the only reason she noticed
was because she was told

a few years ago we had a baby goat.
one of twins, her name was Elsa
her brother Egor was stronger, healthier
she couldn't bear the cold wintry outdoors
so we brought her inside for the nights
she slept in a crib next to my bed where she would wake up hourly
like a newborn baby, cry for a bottle
I would get so frustrated with that goat, GO TO SLEEP.
one morning I brought her back outside like I did every morning
let her bond with her mother and her stronger older brother
She died that afternoon
and I had to carry her poor lifeless body away
while her brother grew up to be a strong, bouncing old goat
And I always wondered why life had it out to get her since the day
she arrived.

You are the color of emptiness and anger
You are not the sunshine; you are stormy weather
I ask "when will you love me?" and you say never
this isn't about knowledge, it is about power
instead of boosting me up you only brought me lower
I gave you my all, you took everything I had to offer
They always say "you must respect your Elder!"
but you have not changed me for the better
and yet you are nothing if not my tether

i make up dumb excuses
like
i ran into a wall
because maybe secretly i want them to know
the real reason
behind the black skin around my eye

It's not the falling that hurts-
It's the before.
when you're standing on the edge
That's when it hurts.
The fall is the most freeing part-
the weightless, unburdening float towards reality
and then with a SNAP
you realize that
The landing hurts too.

I don't burst into tears
I fall into tears
silently
gracefully
like a practiced maneuver
like a missing piece falling back into place
I fall into tears
like they can somehow protect me

Oh how I want to scream in your face!
Say, Look at what you've done to this place!
Why don't you see all your kids fear you?
Open your eyes and see what we've been through!
AHHHHH I just want you to SEE!
Not just to see, but to WATCH me!
Watch how I shake when you start to speak!
See how you've made us all feel weak!
Look at you pretend like you did nothing wrong!
Well guess what! Now that I'm feeling strong
I will tear you down, limb for limb, word by word
Slice you open with the same double-edged sword!
You will DROWN in the same pool I've been sinking in
You will FEEL the consequences of the person you've been!
And you will know, without a doubt,
That these are the words I have always needed to shout.

look at whatever you want
just not at my fingernails
bitten down to the quick
please

she is forged from fire in the Great Inferno
her flames blaze and rage
her anger knows no limits
and destroys all that she touches
ash appears where her fingers trailed
smoke fills her lungs and blackens her heart
she has tried to still the wildfire
but people aim matches into her heart
so she lets her blazing anger reign
she is long past caring who gets singed
the tears of others no longer puts her out
only her own can
she is incapable of making her own tears now
the heat from her own flames has dried her tear ducts
she looks around at the chaos and destruction
she knows that she has caused it
and that only she can stop it
but now her anger is the ash suffocating the ones she loves most
she is not but a fire girl

when I was five I just wanted to be grown
now that I am I wish I were five
with shoulders that are far too tiny to carry the weight bestowed
with a mind too worried about Barbies to care that I was hurting
with legs too small to walk the miles of life experience
with eyes that are only able to focus on today, instead of tomorrow
with a heart too pure and innocent to realize it's being burned
with sticky hands and sunburned skin
with scraped up knees and callused feet
with problems that are now so insignificant
such as, I don't know whether to pick pink or purple for my nails?
When I was five all I wanted was to be grown
I wish I would have known

some people's footsteps are loud
they want everyone to know that they have entered
or perhaps they have no reason to hide
They strike the ground first with their heel
you can always hear them approach

but mine?
my footsteps are silent
I glide across without a sound
no one needs to know that I am here
I have reason to hide
I tread first with the pads of my feet
you will never hear me approach

One wrong move
One wrong word
An accidental glance
Unleashes the fury
Don’t take the chance
Don’t say a thing
Look away
Because the fury will swing
Relentless, towards you
Until you’re curled on the floor
And you won’t have a clue
About why the fury was unleashed on you

What
if
I
was
just

























Gone?

I hate having good days
because it means bad months are sure to follow

I don't know what makes a person good or bad.
are people both good AND bad?
Like my mother...
on the outside, she's one of the kindest people you'll meet.
She's friendly
She'll give you compliments, money, a place to sleep, the shirt off her back
She gives bananas to homeless people on the side of the road
for crying out loud
she adopted a houseful of children no one wanted
but on the inside, in the safety of her home
she treats them badly
and she's not the type of person to shy away from violence
if she's mad
she'll say mean things about people behind their backs
about our older siblings, right in front of us
and about our friends
she manipulates and berates us
but she's kind and generous to strangers
is it just us that makes her bad?
is she good?
or bad?
what MAKES a person bad?
Or good??
good or bad?

I asked you for a hair tie
but it wasn't for my hair
and surely you don't know
that it is still
encircling my wrist
twisting around my fingers
every now and then and again
I asked you for a hair tie
but it wasn't for my hair
I always need something to fiddle with
to busy my hands, my fingers
so they don't do anything dangerous
I asked you for a hair tie
but it wasn't for my hair
it was simply to protect my sanity

I tried to get over my hate for you
the same way someone would get over
a phobia
Halfheartedly
and with the feelings of fear and hate lingering still
even after I tried to convince myself they were gone

Life takes too much energy
Exhausted
all
the
time
Sick of it all
It's not the first time struck by an episode
Life is going average
Ok-ish
pretty boring
but
routine
is
key

O
C
D

Yes, life could be better
but we'll get through it
I know we'll get through it
because you told me we will
so we shall
hand
in
hand
Together

Oh, I always seem happy
Thank you
I've had years
and years
To perfect my happy strategy
The right size smile here
A well placed laugh right there
Tears only released in the dark
That's my happy strategy

when my heart is done aching
the pain moves to my head
the feelings swarm to my mind
because simmering in my heart
does them no good
at least when they make my head ache
they are allowed to boil over
and be released all at once
captured in headache tears
that once were heartache feelings

my heart dropped
only for an iron fist to grip it in panic
it started racing hard
I got uncomfortable, wanted to leave
tried to avoid you
tried to be positive despite the anxiety
but my heart dropped
all because I saw you
you don't drive the black truck with the silver accents anymore
or I would have known you'd be there
you
winked
at
me
and my heart dropped

I refuse to call it home
I have never felt at home here in this hell
because you are like unhappy Hades himself
deciding my fate
Spindling my future in whatever way you weave
Deciding how I should stay and when I can leave
I feel myself melting away in these horrible hot hellfires
changing from who I once was to who you decide I shall be
So much so that I feel the need to punish myself
As if you have not inflicted enough hell
upon me

we sat-
not in silence
but in words
and tears
"I have to leave.
She's making me crazy."

You had better not leave me.












"I won't."

how am I supposed to stop myself
from becoming you
if I hear you in my words
see you in my actions
if I still feel your hand on me
and am haunted by you in my mind

I blink, and I’m different
I don’t recognize who I see
I look in the mirror
At a face that is far from pretty
This girl, her eyes are sad
I look away in disgust
No love for her to be had
This girl, her face reveals hate
Hatred for herself
A common trait
This girl, she can’t stand to see
Her own face, without wanting to be
Someone else
I blink, and I’m different
I don’t recognize who I see
I look in the mirror
This girl, she is me.

I'm sorry
was meant to show heartfelt regret
never meant to be arrows shot
from a narcissists bow

I'm sorry
isn't supposed to erase what you've done
but merely to display remorse for your actions
It isn't meant to make you forget
these words aren't magic, only medicine

I'm sorry
isn't supposed to be repressed
swallowed and not followed by pride
It is meant to burst from your lips, straight from your heart

I'm sorry
isn't supposed to be repeated
until the words lose their meaning and their tune no longer rings true
because "I'm sorry" without change
is simply manipulation

So swallow your pride
Say it with your chest
Say it when you mean it
And mean it if you say it

I'm sorry

We were sitting in the park
I was six, my brother seven
I love you, she told us
Our once-a-monthly visit
That she missed more then she made
I'm working hard to get you back
I'm trying to stay clean
So you can come and live with me
I never told her what I really felt
So here are those words now
I needed you to save me
I needed you to want me
But I guess the drugs were a stronger force
Then the love you should have felt for your kids
Now I live in hell
And I swear its all your fault

you say...
you're a bad person
you're a liar
you're gonna end up in jail
you're a thief
you're gonna be on drugs
you're ugly
you're just like your mom
you'll never succeed
well guess what
you're my inner voice

do you ever feel like
your internal clock is ticking
ticking away
like there's so much to do
before a certain age
and if you don't get it done
you're behind?

Now I'm sixteen
going to be 17 in a month
I thought by now
I would have my driver's license
had my first kiss
had even a clue
about what I want to do

but I don't and it makes me feel
so lost

scream at me
and I will hate myself
manipulate me
and I will do the same
beat me
and I will cause my own scars
just speak to me
and I will listen and learn
all this extra is unnecessary.

just a random girl
that walks around this school
her clothes are baggy
I wonder if she hates her body?
she smokes
and drinks
I wonder what she's trying to forget?
Her eye makeup
almost as dark as my own
her hair even darker
I wonder if her demons
are as dark as her makeup?
her backpack straps slung low
her pockets always full
I wonder what secrets she keeps?
Her eyes, big and thoughtful
Like they contain millions of unsaid words
I wonder what she would say?
If not always silenced
I wonder about her
like maybe she's just like me

Blacked my eye
but I won't cry
Screamed in my face
but I won't cry
Called me names
but I won't cry
I won't
I repeat
I refuse
To shed another tear for you

the joy of the night
sitting beneath the stars
the air is still warm
the fire smoking still
my brother, playing guitar
the melody peaceful
we sit and laugh
with friends
we stare at the moon
point at shooting stars
admire the distant lightning
the joy of the night

just a girl with some demons
but they don't define her
Because sometimes she skips instead of walks
sometimes she laughs for no reason
sometimes she tells stupid jokes
sometimes she loves so hard it hurts
sometimes she purposely avoids her reflection
sometimes she sings at the top of her lungs
and she loves her brothers and sisters and friends
and sometimes she cries herself to sleep
and sometimes she complains about nothing
and she writes bad poetry
and she spends hours inside a book
and sometimes she questions everything
but she's just a girl

just once
I want to be called beautiful
I wont believe you anyways
but i'll want to
just once I want you to tell me i'm worth it
I won't trust you
but i'll try
just once I want you to see me
i'll pretend you weren't looking at me
but i'll know
just once I want to be told i'm perfect
flaws included
but I won't believe you

you cannot be blamed
for it was all you ever knew
and so you made it all I would know
and if this is all I know
perhaps it is all I can ever be

when I smile,
know that it is
forced
when I laugh
know that it is
fake
when I cry
know that it is
overdue
when I scream
know that it is
powerless
when I die
know that it was
wanted

hot tears
black darkness
lack of you
hollow feeling
shaking fear
lack of you
knowing ache
broken promise
lack of you
breaking down
sleepless nights
lack of you
ticking time
not enough
lack of you
where are you

just as I was getting used to you again
it is time for you to leave once more
I couldn't help falling for you when you were here
now I must love you from a distance

I havent been sleeping
I dont want to be eating
its getting harder and harder
to convince myself to
do the most mundane things
Im just so tired
tired in general tired of being
I just wish I could let go
this hold I have on this world is exhaustive
its killing me
I'm just too tired

Yes, sure, let's pretend
Why ever not?
It's not like we don't do it all the TIME
Let's pretend like everything is fine
Let's make believe the scars exist only in our imagination
Let's just PRETEND
Pretend like we aren't broken
Pretend like we are still the same people
Oh, this is such a fun GAME
Let's pretend like you have some shame
in anything you do
Yes, I could play at this for HOURS
Make believing we love our lives
Pretending we have allergies instead of admitting we were crying
Please, let's PRETEND
I bet I'm just the best at it.

Lies, deceit
truth stowed away
kept behind clenched teeth
and locked lips
all the while the lies spill
unbound, from desperate mouths
oozing out like honey dripping from
a liar's tongue
Lies, deceit

lightning strikes-
when you speak.
you have the kind of voice-
that demands attention.
The kind that gives you chills-
as if the lightning had hit too close.
it makes your hair stand on end-
and your body overheat.
and soon after the lightning strikes-
the loud clap of thunder follows.

hey, little girl
you love to read and write
right?
well listen, little girl,
that will be the only thing that remains stable.
you'll put up your Barbies, pack away the dress-up clothes
take out your pink bows to never wear them again
hide the childish chapter books
you'll grow up; you'll realize
that your teen years will be spent fighting with your mom
So little girl, right now you must forgive her
Because listen, little girl,
you'll also hate your body and your mind
so you must learn to love them now, little girl
And, little girl, while we're on the topic
other girls seem prettier, yes
they will seem like they have it all together, yes they will
but, dear, darling little girl, they're as unglued as you
oh, little girl, you will run and chase the boys
and right now it's fun and games, but little girl
you must chase them for fun right now
before you realize they only want one thing, innocent little girl
you must enjoy the sweet friendships you have now, little girl
before they all become fake and filled with drama
Listen to my advice, little girl
I would know, trust me, I know
because I am no longer you, little girl
I wish I were you, little girl