hey, little girl
you love to read and write
right?
well listen, little girl,
that will be the only thing that remains stable.
you'll put up your Barbies, pack away the dress-up clothes
take out your pink bows to never wear them again
hide the childish chapter books
you'll grow up; you'll realize
that your teen years will be spent fighting with your mom
So little girl, right now you must forgive her
Because listen, little girl,
you'll also hate your body and your mind
so you must learn to love them now, little girl
And, little girl, while we're on the topic
other girls seem prettier, yes
they will seem like they have it all together, yes they will
but, dear, darling little girl, they're as unglued as you
oh, little girl, you will run and chase the boys
and right now it's fun and games, but little girl
you must chase them for fun right now
before you realize they only want one thing, innocent little girl
you must enjoy the sweet friendships you have now, little girl
before they all become fake and filled with drama
Listen to my advice, little girl
I would know, trust me, I know
because I am no longer you, little girl
I wish I were you, little girl

being lonely is different
then being alone

you can be lonely while surrounded by people
but to be alone is to be truly by yourself

and when you are truly alone
the worst kind of lonely sets in

it seems the more I have to lose
the easier I am to bruise
because once you took everything I loved before
then there was nothing left to live for

Loud, too loud
your voice rings in my ears
long after I have left
screaming, stop screaming
I can't hear myself thinking
about all the ways I can escape
quiet, too quiet
at least when you're screaming loud
I can feel something other than sad
you're just too loud

all I want
is to hear them say
I love you
without there being a price tag on it
and to hear it said more then I hate you
and to not know bruises on my face
It's all I want
to know love

You screamed this morning
Now my makeup is running
Look. You ruined me.

makeup is an addiction
you get addicted to the way it makes you look
the way it makes you feel
and just like a drug your brain gets used to having it
and whenever it is gone there are whispers
Ugly...ugly...you need me...
until you relent
to the drug that is makeup

I wore long sleeves in the summertime
the heat was unbearable
but I
couldn't
take
them
off
so you think you can hurt me?
wrong.
I am the only one who can hurt me.

don't you have a mind like me?
tell me tell me
is your mind like mine?
overcrowded with overthinking
overrun with overstimulation
don't you have a mind like me?
tell me tell me
is your mind like mine?

you are a soul scathed
as am I
but you deserve someone with more
more to give then just some broken pieces
you deserve someone with less
less mistakes, less untouched by sin
I will never be good enough for someone like you
someone so broken, yet so wholesome
I will never be good enough
I've come to terms with that.

do you know what its like
to wake up every morning
and be disappointed that your eyes open?
that your heart still beats
and there is still air going into your lungs?

if so I am so so sorry.

Come here and let me tell you a secret
Mother

...

Still can't bring myself to say it.

I really do wish
your mother was wonderful
nurturing, accepting
with gentle hands and a warm embrace
I wish she didn't hit you
starve you, beat you, kick you out
I wish she was a good mother
so that you could be
I know it kills you that you're not
I know you want to be, maybe deep down inside
I wish your mother was good to you
so you could be good to me in return
so I wouldn't have to have anxiety
about ever even thinking about having kids
because what if I'm just like you? or your mom?
I just wish your mom was everything a mother should be
just as I wish you were
just as I wish I will be

Yes, today is mother's day
I've read poem after poem
about how much everyone appreciates and loves
their wonderful mothers

I really wish I could be like you guys
write a poem straight from the heart
about how amazing my mother is
but

I'm afraid this is the best I can do right now.

Someone once said
when you're happy
you enjoy the music
when you're sad
you understand the lyrics
and that just
makes
sense
because when you're happy you don't worry about anything
but the sweet melody breezing into your ears
and when you're sad
you focus on the deeper things
the real meanings
the connection you missed before
the words

The world spins around so very fast
gone are the days of my past

when I was young and free
nothing ever seemed to get ahold of me

then God placed two angels in my path
my love for them covers my life like a hot bath

soaking my world in loves eternal flame
with my 2 angels by my side
nothing will ever be the same

the universe could cease to exist
but my love for them will always persist

there is no force that could ever undo
the power of my love for the 2 of you

I promise you it cannot be done
for nothing could ever come before a
Mothers love for her daughter & son

I used to think it wasn't my fault
after all, you were the adult

but maybe I was to blame
maybe, just maybe, I should've had more shame

I wore shorts that were way shorter then my finger
but I didn't know your gaze would linger

I'd like to say I was just a kid
but 14 is old enough to know what I did

I was old enough to tell you please don't speak
I was old enough to stop being weak

The things you would say rattled my brain
and to this day, still causes me pain

I know now that it was my fault
I was the kid, and you were the adult

but I wasn't strong enough to tell you to quit
I kept it a secret I couldn't admit

And I will always carry that shame
for I am to blame

you rip apart the seams of this family
you are a hurricane and we are the destruction in your wake
you are a wildfire and we are burned
you are an earthquake but you aren't the one rattled
you have caused mass destruction and singed everyone you touched
you hate us
you natural disaster

I never blamed you.
Never.
How could I?
you were everything...
I spent my days waiting for you
to walk up the drive

You will never know just how important you were
are
I feel like I'm little again
waiting for you to walk up the drive
I missed you more then I realized
I needed you in my life to survive

And for that, you could never be at fault.
Never.

I just needed you to know
I never blamed you.
Never.

I had this nightmare
that I lived with a demon
it snarled and screamed
told me I was the reason it wanted to die
told me awful things no child should hear
told me that I made its life terrible to live
and that it wanted me gone
it was such a bad nightmare I started cutting again
but I never woke up

dark summer rides on a bus full of girls
still high on a challenging victory
music blasting full volume
girls singing their lungs out
discarded fast food and milkshakes tossed about haphazardly
pulling the window down to stick my head out
into the starry, warm summer air
feeling the cooling breeze whipping my hair behind me
my girls, my team behind me singing
forgetting that that girl hates her, and this group doesn't get along
with this one
because on nights like those, after a hard earned win
we were a team, we were one
everybody is laughing and sharing drama
composing break up notes to toxic online boyfriends
singing to Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift
videoing each other rapping ice spice
stomachs full of junk food
hearts full of happiness
laughing about what a bad driver our coach was
creating new inside jokes and new friends
on nights like those
I was free

on the outside I am happy
perfectly normal
I act like every single one of you
I dress the same way, style my hair the same
Every day
but if you peel back the many layers
that I have created to cover my true self
you'll find darkness and turmoil and weeping screaming scars
i'm tired of dressing and acting like you guys
I'm tired of pretending to be normal
when all I want is to slice open and let the pain bleed down the drain
till maybe I will be normal

last week
I grew out my nails
and then you screamed at me
and I dug them into my palm
until it bled
What did that accomplish?
Nothing.

I don't want to notice
the way my hip bones stick out
I don't want to see
the hollow spaces between my ribs
and I don't want to look at
the way my shoulder blades angle sharply
or the way my collarbone protrudes
I don't want to notice
the difference
so please stop pointing it out

oklahoma is wild plums
rocky mountains and sandy hills, evergreens and deadened trees
snakes and bobcats, coyotes and deer
oklahoma is wild weather and cowboy hats
kids running barefoot and parents
drinking and going to rodeos, running into friends at the local wal-mart
oklahoma is cows at every turn
drought suffering red dirt and run-down houses
blackberries, museums and Indian heritage
oklahoma is watermelons and rattlesnake festivals
small towns and strong communties
oklahoma is home

I could've stayed
One minute more
and talked to you
You'll be gone soon
and I'll regret not staying
One minute more
I'll wish I had stalled
One minute more
Talked to you
just one minute more
you'll be gone soon
so just give me
one minute more

God painted her with a fine-point paintbrush
He took his time, slow and steady, absolutely no rush
So He could make her just right
But He left out sunshine to scare away demons dark as night
I know he meant to illustrate the rain
To wash away all her raw, bleeding pain
He was supposed to brush the storm clouds away
But He only finished her halfway
Maybe He just forgot
At least, that's what I was taught
No Father could let His child hurt like this
yet here she is

fingertips
trailing through the clear crystalline water
feet
squishing through the lush grass
face
turned up towards the warm heat of the sun
lungs
inhaling the sweet, clean air
hair
blowing in the gentle cooling breeze
ears
listening to the wonderful serene sounds
heart
at peace at last

I looked in the mirror
and do you know what I saw?
a girl
She could use some work
But perhaps
I could call her pretty
You can tell in her eyes
that she cannot decide
whether she is too big or too skinny
But you know what?
Perhaps she could be pretty
She spends an hour a day
preparing her face so
perhaps she could be pretty
Maybe I should stop judging her
she's just trying to survive
she doesn't want to worry about
if perhaps she's pretty

I love taking photos
snap
a memory captured in time forever
angling for the best shot
picking a perfect setting
stealing a shot of the full moon
bathing the mountain in its wondrous glow
bringing out the blue in his eyes
the blonde in her hair, the small freckles dotting their nose
from the many hours spent in the kissing sun
spying a perfect picture
of autumn leaves and barren trees
seeing details painted with a thin bristled brush
creating silhouettes of nature and people with nothing but a lens
and hitting the pause button
to remember it forever

The perfect family
Smile for the public
No one knows what's beneath the laughter and jokes
No one suspects that they are anything less than
The perfect family
Picture perfect house
Picture perfect appearance
Won’t someone look a little deeper
Look past the expensive things
Look at the expressions
Can’t you tell
That this isn’t a perfect family?

there are broken pieces all around me
and the more I try to pick them up
the more I get cut
I stare at the blood
is it worth it?
to put myself back together
if it only hurts me worse?
I set down the pieces
I don't use them to stab the ones who broke me
I don't use them to fit back into the puzzle
I simply lay them down
and pretend like they don't exist

dipping your finger into
a pool
stirring up memories
good and bad
with nothing but your finger and your presence

the pressure builds
straight A's, tons of awards
Top student, kind as well
take care of the younger ones at home
do the chores, manage your moods
keep you happy, while struggling on my own
so much pressure, I can't take it
it's
breaking
me

this house is my prison
these clothes are my stripes
these doors don't have bars but it seems like they might
I feel like an animal
I'm wearing thin
if I get out I'm not coming back in
Just leave me alone
I'm trying to break free
let go of this oppressive hold on me
this house is my prison
these clothes are my stripes
and I can't seem to make things right

I spoke to a puddle and it spoke back
"Why, puddle, do you distort my reflection so?"
"Well, darling human, didn't you know?
You were never meant to see your face clearly.
God didn't make glass but he made sun and sand!
Yes, you, darling human, are the key to your own misery.
You created the very thing you hate!
That hated piece of glass was not something God would create!
That lying, whispering, vain-creating smooth reflection
Is not truly you!
That is why I distort your reflection so.
Oh, darling human, didn't you know?"

A puppet, me
A puppet, me
Look at my strings
LOOK at my strings
Aren't they pretty
Aren't they PRETTY
I am who holds me
I am who controls me
Follow their fingers or fall to the floor
Follow their fingers OR fall to the floor
I am who I have become
I am who I have BECOME
nothing but an ugly puppet, me
nothing but an UGLY puppet, me

I wonder about you
Like what you're doing now
If you ever think about the five kids
you got taken away from you
Do you miss us?
do you try to find us on social media
just as I did you?
Was giving us up your biggest regret?
or your biggest relief?
Are you clean off of drugs?
Did you do it for my baby sisters that I never got to know?
Or did you do it for you?
Do you wonder, every day, what your life would be like
if we were there? Like I do?
mom, I wonder about you.

proof that if people take the time to get to know you they will eventually begin to notice the little things like:

I tie small pieces of my hair in knots
whenever I'm thinking hard about something
because it makes my dad laugh
and tell me I'm going to make myself bald

whenever I see someone crying
whether I like them or not
I always stop and listen and try to make it better
because I would want somebody to do that for me

I have a photo album full of pictures
of my favorite people
so when I'm sad I can flip through it
and their smiling faces remind me I have people I love
and that I would do anything for them

I wear a safety pin on the hem of my shirts
as a promise
to my parents and my siblings and to me
that I will never hurt myself again

I make bracelets for all my friends
an insignificant thing
but I do it because
it brings me joy to see them wear them every day

when I was younger I would stare out my window
and watch the lightning at night
and count the seconds before the thunder boomed
until I fell asleep
and sometimes I still do

I would rather be dirt poor with a loving family
then live in this big expensive house of nightmares

I know people just want to help
so why do I feel so pathetic when I reach out?

like a sad little rag doll
unable to cope with my own emotions

dumping my problems on someone else's shoulders
why does it feel so *****, so wrong?

I would feel upset if someone was hurting
and didn't reach out to me

I'M supposed to be the one to shoulder all the weight
the one to cry to

I hate it when I ask someone to listen
maybe it's because I don't feel worthy of someone else's time.

Let me know when you're ready
Ready to love me like you're supposed to
Ready to bite back your mean words
Ready to show the world who you really are
Ready to support me no matter what
Ready to tell me its okay when I cry instead of laugh
Ready to not strike
Ready to not scream
Ready to stop pushing me into a career I don't want
Ready to say I hate you less then I love you
Let me know when you're ready to parent!

I wish my dreams were my reality
and my reality was nothing more then a nightmare

refresh, restart
wipe me clean so I may begin
all over again
make different mistakes
better mistakes
mistakes that might make me a good person
refresh, restart
turn over a new leaf
become a new person
with no connections, no hurt, no trauma
living a happy, peaceful life
getting rid of this failure I once was
refresh, restart

I'll be smarter this time
I'll hide the scars under a cuff of beads
bracelets and jewelry
shiny things I adore so much
because if you find the blood again
I won't hesitate to tell you the truth this time
that I've relapsed again
because you make me want to die

I don't want any of you to relate to me
Relating to me means you see
Right through my walls
Inside my brain and I can't have you wandering these halls
It means I'm see through
I don't want you to have to deal with what I do
I don't want people to hurt like my head
I hate that someone might have heard the same words said
Please don't say you feel the same way
because then I'll cry and it will darken my day
I can't see you living in this fear
Not feeling loved and holding no one near
please just tell me how happy you are
How my words seem like another language from afar
Because in no way should you understand
the bruises forming by an unrelenting hand
Words spat out, their goal to torment you
Please don't tell me you've been through this too
It's okay; I can bear this alone
I don't want to share the trauma I own
I don't want anyone to relate
This life is MY fate

you say I don't respect you
and maybe I don't
but I definitely fear you
respect is a two way street
respect goes both ways
when you stop ruling with fear
and respect me
maybe I'll try harder to respect you