I Hate You.















There, I said it.

shut your MOUTH
and let me speak
because when you SPEAK
I can't think
When you THINK
you don't filter
and when you don't FILTER
your words hurt
and when you HURT
you don't care
when you don't CARE
I want to die.

all I can feel is your absence

I am peaches, the color purple and weeping willows
summer, pool parties and fireworks
I am roses, dark chocolate and cranberries
true crime documentaries and spicy books
I am mountains and rushing creeks
long runs and misbehaving hair
I am the scent of strawberries and watermelon jolly ranchers
huge libraries and rain
I am dandelions and volleyball
homemade jellies, pasta and long hot showers
I am photography, pencil lead and llamas
scrapbooking, gardening and shiny things
I am beaded bracelets, ripped jeans and hoodies
mascara and braids, bruises and scratches
I am all that I am

unrequited
but you are kind, sweet
funny, you make me laugh
nervous laughter, loud laughter
REAL laughter
I could list your good qualities for days
for it has always been you
like how hard you try to be good
and how well you succeed at it
you love your mom even though she wasn't a good parent
you care for your family although they couldn't give you
the life you deserved
if I were to dream up the perfect one for me
it would be you
It would always be you
you being here has reminded me of that
you, with your heart so pure but yet so damaged
you, with your picky eating and goofy smile
but you can never truly see me
you will never be able to think of me as anything other
than as a sister, your best friend's little sister
and I can never tell you how I feel, how I think about you
but here, I can say
it
has
and will always be
you

am I the things you say of me?
I try to think that I'm not
that I'm more
that I am someone worth loving
but you are the loudest voice in my head
and I want to believe that you leave compliments unsaid
yet it's hard to think that way
when truth is all you seem to say.

I woke up tired
thunder rolls
inside of me
and outside my window
the rain falls
steady
but my eyes are dry
for the first time in weeks
I didn't get any sleep
but the sky showed its anger
so it's okay

you never asked for purple pajamas, but now you have two
you loved the water and the way it rippled
but now it taunts you
drowns you
you're afraid you won't be noticed
until you're gone
Like maybe
You’re
Just
There
And of course you say "I'm fine."
But all your words are screams.
Silent screams.
you hold in your tears because maybe you're worried
that they will see it.
And we all know what it's like to flail on your own
without somebody to hold your hand
So you question if even the air filling your lungs matter
but of course it does
and so do the cracks on your heart and the bruises on your skin
Don't just deal with it
Because
you
wonderful
       beautiful
                lovely
                                YOU
Matter!
And you ARE good enough
And you ARE alive
And your life is a song!
Where
            Do
                  You
                    Belong?
Here!

the world may be cruel but you have found a way to live
and that is the bravest thing you could ever do
and you find your peace in the love that grows
you
are
a
gift
as for the why
why should these people deserve you?
they shouldn't
if they don't look at you the right way
let you be who you want to be
let you fly the way you wish
then the only why you should ask is
why do I waste my time for those who are
undeserving of me?
you
are
a
gift
because you are
exquisite
it's okay to feel sad without knowing a reason
but find happiness without reason as well
they can keep throwing their rocks
but you aren't just any glass,
you are the kind that is unbreakable
unshatterable
you
are
a
gift
you don't have to be in the dark any longer
keep turning on the light
let it become you
until you are the light
because you are
But first you
must begin
your warning label reads
Too Good For This World
and you're not a waste of space
you
are
a
gift
so just Reboot, Restart, and try again
you mustn't burn the beautiful away
that's what the darkness wants
it wants you to strike a light
blaze it all away
but your name IS important
you ARE allowed to be visible
I see you!
don't listen to their fake words
put them last
because
you
are
a
gift
you will not be forgotten
just deep breathe in and deep breathe out
in a game of cat and mouse
you are the bigger person
So sit back up
straighten your crown
because you are not only a gift
you
are
royalty!

Grow up, honestly
Expecting me to apologize when those words have never left your lips
Truth be told, that's so hypocritical
And no, I'm not counting
"I'm sorry I busted your lip but you deserved it"
As an apology
At every tiny mistake I am forced to apologize
Whether I did anything wrong or not
But you, High Almighty you,
apparently have nothing to apologize for.
Grow up.
Honestly.

I thought this one would be the same
I didn't raise red flags by the name
I read outside the lines, I am sad to admit
an hour later, realization hit
you weren't just talking about leaving this space
you were actually writing about leaving this PLACE
I scrambled to reread it, tried to decide
but all I found were more hints that I was right
I typed out a message, but I fear I was too late
I am certain you have chosen your own fate
your poems spoke of love, nature and pain
but it seems you felt your life was in vain
and I just can't help the thoughts that cross my mind
what if I had reached out sooner, been more kind?
you came to me when you were worried about someone
yet the amount of concern I had for you at that moment was none
you have left us stranded
I took you for granted
I don't even know if you're alive or dead
there is still more I would have said
I didn't even know you
but from what I knew
there was so much raw kindness and concern for everyone
but this was not kind, what you have done
curse all those who led you to do this
yet forgive them nonetheless
I will miss your name on my homepage every day
there was still so much more you didn't allow me to say.

blowing bubbles on my porch
tiny fingers
with chipped purple polish
reach out to grab them
chubby face
surrounded by a halo of knotty curls
laughs in delight
tiny feet
shoved into little pink crocs
dance around in joy
big brown eyes
full of curiosity
admire the bubbles with a pure childlike happiness
that I can only dream of possessing again

sometimes it's like
whoever programmed me
hit random buttons
created the wrong code
and just didn't fix it
I want to hit backspace.

I cut my finger cooking
wiped away the blood and carried on
"Why don't you get a band-aid?"
Because, little sister
One day you will endure worse
then just a skin deep cut.
And, little sister
band-aids cover pain.
They don't fix it.

is a black cat
with white paws
one stitched back up
from where she finally burst
at the end of her long
silky black tail
is a white tip
that I would chew on when I was young
her eyes are green
her nose pink
I've had her since I can remember
My beautiful stuffed bella

we were supposed to be united
a team
us against the world
but you have betrayed me
I trusted you
so much
and I would have never done anything
like this to you
I guard your secrets with my heart
and you steal mine like they're yours
don't you care how you're hurting me?
haven't you seen how worried I've been about you?
you're not the same
the person I knew would never do this
I want you back
and the secrets you stole from me
I want them back

summer is supposed to be fun
freeing and flying, shine and sun
but my summers have always been wrong
while other's are short, mine are too long
my summer is cruel, locked up with nowhere to go
I wish I could explain this to someone, but no one can know
that I feel like I'm imprisoned on top of this hill
summers are a bitter pill

this black feeling won't go away
it never leaves, wants to stay
oozes out of everything I do
and the sad part is, it's made of you
it tells me to hurt, says I deserve pain
it leaves its mark, an ugly stain
I can't even cry
and I don't know why
I want to
I really do
this black mark can only be erased by you

you drive a black truck
with silver accents
and now
every time I see one similar
my heart freezes
and anxiety builds
you always parked it
in the same spot
and you watched me
I know you did
I tried to erase it
but the image remains
of your stupid
stupid black truck
with the silver accents

sitting on a wooden bench
swinging my legs, knees scabbed and shins bruised
an old home phone pressed to my ear
"what snack should I bring, when I see you again?"

"ooh, blueberries please, mom!!"
"and can you bring my old stuffed cat? I want to see her again."

"Of course, baby. You can eat the whole carton of blueberries if you want, and Bella will be happy to see you."

I still have the old black cat with the orange burn mark on her shoulder.
Blueberries are still my favorite fruit.

Some things stay the same.
And some things will always change.
like how I never saw you again
except in pictures on your facebook
where you looked happy, healthy
with my baby sister
I'll never get to meet.
I miss you mom.
and I still sleep with Bella.
I just forget where she came from.

it's truly amazing
what braces can do
I went from a girl with teeth too big for her mouth
and large gaps between all front teeth
to someone a little easier on the eyes
and a little more confident
after four years
of metal, wires, pain and colorful bands

I used to think you could not break me
but now I see
every shard of me
you hold in your fists

they do not cut you as they should
but then, nothing ever cuts you as it should
does it?
I want to say I'm mad but I'm not

I'm just numb
I'm just done
I don't bear the weight of you alone
but yet I seem to be the only one who cannot cope

I wish things cut you as they should
and remorse bled out
and dripped onto everything you do
Like it does for me

but it never will
but I cannot blame you for having no guilt in your veins
but of course it's not your fault
so you just live your life without knowing

you broke me.

I wish you would break me
quit hitting me just hard enough to fracture
and break me already
i'm tired of gluing the pieces back together
i'm tired of the lies
the makeup
the blinking away tears from my eyes
just woman up
and break me already

jagged sharp broken
glass
of a picture frame
broken sharp jagged
memories
of the people portrayed

I broke my mirror
stared into the shards and cracks
Look, that's more like me

I talk to him, biting back tears
He goofs off, makes me laugh
He comes in, late at night
Tells me everything, values my opinion
I vent to him, him to me
He doesn’t judge when he sees the real me
Keeps me sane, provides me humor
In a few months, he’ll be gone
Cap thrown in the air, waving goodbye
He’ll be glad to be out, but he’ll leave me behind
And I’ll cry every night, missing his voice
Missing his sturdy presence in my life
He’s someone to lean on, someone to cry to
But he won’t shed a tear, pretend he never has
But I’ve seen him cry, because I’ve seen him at his worst
Just as he’s seen me at mine
He’ll call when he’s gone, but it won’t be the same
Because there will be no more secret smiles
No more looks exchanged across a room
No more conversations made with only our eyes
No more secrets kept just between him and me
He’s been right by my side my whole life
And now it feels like I might die
Now that he won’t be there to make me laugh when I cry

I used to bruise easily
both on the inside
and outside
words used to grab
me like a vise
and leave bruises under the skin
mottling my confidence
with their ugly black hue
fists used to bruise
my eyes, my legs, my arms
on the outside of my skin
leaving marks for all to see
but over the years I built up tolerance
nothing bruises me anymore
nothing can cut me anymore
nothing can hurt me when I don't care
anymore

hope is a butterfly
it dances in front of your face
until you try to catch it
then it flutters away like
its got other places to be
and if you do manage to catch it
you'll only damage it

a candy cane carnation
is mostly white but tinged
With red
Red, like blood
for the people who made you bleed
White, like innocence
for who you were before you bled
I think I could be
a candy cane carnation

can you hear my words
when I say nothing at all?
can you see my pain
when I smile without my eyes?
can you smell my desperation
when I'm trying hard to be calm?
can you taste the salt from my tears
when I don't shed them in your presence?
can you feel the real me
when I don't even feel it?

some say I'm nosy
but I disagree
I think my problem is that I care
too much
I want to fix everyone
and to do that I must know everything
until it becomes obsessive
how do I stop caring so much

your words are the chain
that I will drag as a ghost
every word
a new link
clink
clink
clink
by the time you are done
my chain's a mile long
and your fist
is the shackle 'round my ankle
and your heart
bruised and beaten and battered
is the ball at the end of the chain
'till I
clatter
clatter
clatter
anytime I move

I take off all my chains before I shower
tear them from my neck, my wrists, my ankles
leave them in a discarded heap on the counter
while I get into the scalding hot spray
and scrub my skin until it is shiny and red
and the blood mixes with the water
runs into the drain
but doesn't erase my pain

a day so many years ago
drawing with sidewalk chalk
chalk pieces left on the driveway
rain
began to fall
drawings began to blur and fade
chalk pieces dissolving
into sticky puddles
of neon orange, pink
purple and blue
swirling together
makes me remember
that there was a day
when I stopped going back out
with a piece of chalk in hand
to leave drawings for the rain to distort

I live my life as a fake
Chameleon, blending in with my surroundings
Changing to your liking
You want me happier?
I’ll turn up the corners of my reptilian mouth
You don’t like the way I speak?
I’ll change the tone of my fast-flicking tongue
You don’t like me to have friends?
I’ll flick them away with my long, scaly tail
You don’t like the way I dress?
I’ll blur my colors with my ever-shifting scales
I’ll change
Again and Again
Until I’m the perfect image of who you think I should be
Until I’m confused on who I was before
Until I look more like you
The perfect little chameleon, me

I didn't want to hate you
but you leave me no choice
I just wanted to love you
but you chose to leave me

"you look like how I used to know you in that picture."

I was ugly back then!

"I don't think you were ugly."

consolation or truth?

I wore long sleeves
to hide the scars
I controlled the amount of pain I was allowed to feel
to make up for the pain you caused
that I was not in control of

I’m struggling, I need a way to cope
Glide through my skin like paper
Smoke into my lungs, sweet vapor
You can only see my pain through a microscope

I think of everything I go through daily
the hitting, the screaming
the narcissism, the manipulation
the abuse
and I think
Could be worse
so I end up being grateful that at least
I got food to eat and somewhere to sleep
a school to go to and siblings that care
I look at the bigger picture
instead of allowing myself to feel like a victim
because that mindset will get me nowhere
so I cope in silence and just be thankful
because it could be worse

I need
I need
the only thought in my mind right now
Stop it, you're fine, fight the craving
Give me
Give me
Give me
My hands are shaking and my lungs are aching
craving
gasping for breath but air isn't what I need, I need, I need
I
Can't
Fight
I just can't
I can't think about anything else
it's consuming me
random shudders rack my body
hands clawing down my face
rocking rocking rocking
craving craving craving
needing needing needing
I need
I need
I need
help me please





















I need.

you're making me crazy!
I swear,
just calm down before I lose
my mind!!!!

I came to this road
Seemed normal enough
but I wasn't ready to head down the split
I try to turn around
go back the way I came
but instead of the path full of flowers and sweet ignorance
that once trailed here
there is only an ugly black hole in the ground
If I turn back I'll get stuck in this rut
If I move on I don't know which road is safe
This one has a sweet scent and butterflies
But if you peer into the distance you can see the demons at the end
This one swirls with mysterious fog, dark, damp, uninviting
but you can see through the fog to the dim light

I don't want to make this choice
I want to turn back around
Why am I at this crossroad
Is never the question you should ask
Pick a road, head on down
Take the easy, or take the hard
But don't turn around and get stuck in the past

Escape the crossroads, even if its the last thing you do

Becoming an expert
in the intricate art of crying quietly
Tears dropping off your chin
without so much as a drip
sniffling without a sound
heart breaking without a loud shatter
crying quietly
because no one cares if you make a sound

i'm scared that when I have kids
i'll parent just like her
or her
drugs and abandonment on one end
abuse and manipulation on the other
I don't know how to end the cycle
when I see myself in the reflection of both of their eyes

she is rain drops on tree bark
and sunshine in dark places
she gives chances to those
who don't want to leave
she places them in her shine
so they can see truth
she knows nothing but good
and light and music and art
she is you, evolved

she is the opposite of the one who resides
in the dark corners of your mind
the dark corners that glow eerily to life
only at night
the one who resides there
scrapes at your brain
with his long, crooked lies
he is medication uncurable
but not Daizee invincible

he whispers things into the corner of your mind
terrible things
guilty, guilty, guilty
but upon the arrival of the light
he can see through the fog
everything is translucent
and he whistles a new tune
loved, loved, loved
he now knows his time is up

no more will he pick at your skin
no longer will he cut at your identity
he has been replaced by an irrevocable light called Daizee
but she will not dispel him entirely
instead she looks at him
she sees him
she KNOWS him
she sees your whole life inside his eyes
but it's not all bad

and she knows no matter how much damage he caused
he cannot touch the one he lives inside
anymore
for now that she has arrived
she will protect you from the darkness
she is your nightlight
she is your rain
she is your trees
and she can never be reduced to a stump

so she locks pinkies with him
in a promise of a truce
for the sake of the one he has been killing
he stares into the beautiful light
he knows that he must stay
to leave would be to change you entirely
and you are loved too much with him included for him to do that
so he lives forever
not in darkness, but in the light of the one who saved him

Daizee

I look at my eyes
and I don't see anything in them
they're just dead
the little girl sparkle is extinguished
the flame of hope is tired
and the brightness is done caring
my eyes are dead
and they reflect my heart

you have a light
that most could only dream of possessing
one that shines so bright
it could never be dimmed
you may be different then you were in September
you may have a monster who lives in your head
but you hold hands with him
because that's the person you are
you are beautiful
you are wondrous
and I am so lucky to call you a friend
Do me a favor
or two or three
Stop listening to Fred
and listen to Daizee instead
she will guide you
love you
hug the trees and dance in the rain
crystal hunt in the forest
keep your promise
fall in love
do the things you are meant to do
and deserve to do
I love you
and cannot thank you enough for
everything you have given me
Thank you

Sincerely
Thank you
for everything
For listening
For caring
for being an awesome person
please remember these few things
if nothing else
Live
Love him
it may be hard but I know you guys can make it work
I've seen it
you deserve happiness
you deserve everything
keep your light
and keep writing
keep living
and keep loving
Thank you for everything