I Hate You.















There, I said it.

shut your MOUTH
and let me speak
because when you SPEAK
I can't think
When you THINK
you don't filter
and when you don't FILTER
your words hurt
and when you HURT
you don't care
when you don't CARE
I want to die.

you never asked for purple pajamas, but now you have two
you loved the water and the way it rippled
but now it taunts you
drowns you
you're afraid you won't be noticed
until you're gone
Like maybe
You’re
Just
There
And of course you say "I'm fine."
But all your words are screams.
Silent screams.
you hold in your tears because maybe you're worried
that they will see it.
And we all know what it's like to flail on your own
without somebody to hold your hand
So you question if even the air filling your lungs matter
but of course it does
and so do the cracks on your heart and the bruises on your skin
Don't just deal with it
Because
you
wonderful
       beautiful
                lovely
                                YOU
Matter!
And you ARE good enough
And you ARE alive
And your life is a song!
Where
            Do
                  You
                    Belong?
Here!

the world may be cruel but you have found a way to live
and that is the bravest thing you could ever do
and you find your peace in the love that grows
you
are
a
gift
as for the why
why should these people deserve you?
they shouldn't
if they don't look at you the right way
let you be who you want to be
let you fly the way you wish
then the only why you should ask is
why do I waste my time for those who are
undeserving of me?
you
are
a
gift
because you are
exquisite
it's okay to feel sad without knowing a reason
but find happiness without reason as well
they can keep throwing their rocks
but you aren't just any glass,
you are the kind that is unbreakable
unshatterable
you
are
a
gift
you don't have to be in the dark any longer
keep turning on the light
let it become you
until you are the light
because you are
But first you
must begin
your warning label reads
Too Good For This World
and you're not a waste of space
you
are
a
gift
so just Reboot, Restart, and try again
you mustn't burn the beautiful away
that's what the darkness wants
it wants you to strike a light
blaze it all away
but your name IS important
you ARE allowed to be visible
I see you!
don't listen to their fake words
put them last
because
you
are
a
gift
you will not be forgotten
just deep breathe in and deep breathe out
in a game of cat and mouse
you are the bigger person
So sit back up
straighten your crown
because you are not only a gift
you
are
royalty!

Grow up, honestly
Expecting me to apologize when those words have never left your lips
Truth be told, that's so hypocritical
And no, I'm not counting
"I'm sorry I busted your lip but you deserved it"
As an apology
At every tiny mistake I am forced to apologize
Whether I did anything wrong or not
But you, High Almighty you,
apparently have nothing to apologize for.
Grow up.
Honestly.

is a black cat
with white paws
one stitched back up
from where she finally burst
at the end of her long
silky black tail
is a white tip
that I would chew on when I was young
her eyes are green
her nose pink
I've had her since I can remember
My beautiful stuffed bella

you drive a black truck
with silver accents
and now
every time I see one similar
my heart freezes
and anxiety builds
you always parked it
in the same spot
and you watched me
I know you did
I tried to erase it
but the image remains
of your stupid
stupid black truck
with the silver accents

I used to think you could not break me
but now I see
every shard of me
you hold in your fists

they do not cut you as they should
but then, nothing ever cuts you as it should
does it?
I want to say I'm mad but I'm not

I'm just numb
I'm just done
I don't bear the weight of you alone
but yet I seem to be the only one who cannot cope

I wish things cut you as they should
and remorse bled out
and dripped onto everything you do
Like it does for me

but it never will
but I cannot blame you for having no guilt in your veins
but of course it's not your fault
so you just live your life without knowing

you broke me.

I wish you would break me
quit hitting me just hard enough to fracture
and break me already
i'm tired of gluing the pieces back together
i'm tired of the lies
the makeup
the blinking away tears from my eyes
just woman up
and break me already

jagged sharp broken
glass
of a picture frame
broken sharp jagged
memories
of the people portrayed

I broke my mirror
stared into the shards and cracks
Look, that's more like me

I talk to him, biting back tears
He goofs off, makes me laugh
He comes in, late at night
Tells me everything, values my opinion
I vent to him, him to me
He doesn’t judge when he sees the real me
Keeps me sane, provides me humor
In a few months, he’ll be gone
Cap thrown in the air, waving goodbye
He’ll be glad to be out, but he’ll leave me behind
And I’ll cry every night, missing his voice
Missing his sturdy presence in my life
He’s someone to lean on, someone to cry to
But he won’t shed a tear, pretend he never has
But I’ve seen him cry, because I’ve seen him at his worst
Just as he’s seen me at mine
He’ll call when he’s gone, but it won’t be the same
Because there will be no more secret smiles
No more looks exchanged across a room
No more conversations made with only our eyes
No more secrets kept just between him and me
He’s been right by my side my whole life
And now it feels like I might die
Now that he won’t be there to make me laugh when I cry

a candy cane carnation
is mostly white but tinged
With red
Red, like blood
for the people who made you bleed
White, like innocence
for who you were before you bled
I think I could be
a candy cane carnation

your words are the chain
that I will drag as a ghost
every word
a new link
clink
clink
clink
by the time you are done
my chain's a mile long
and your fist
is the shackle 'round my ankle
and your heart
bruised and beaten and battered
is the ball at the end of the chain
'till I
clatter
clatter
clatter
anytime I move

a day so many years ago
drawing with sidewalk chalk
chalk pieces left on the driveway
rain
began to fall
drawings began to blur and fade
chalk pieces dissolving
into sticky puddles
of neon orange, pink
purple and blue
swirling together
makes me remember
that there was a day
when I stopped going back out
with a piece of chalk in hand
to leave drawings for the rain to distort

I live my life as a fake
Chameleon, blending in with my surroundings
Changing to your liking
You want me happier?
I’ll turn up the corners of my reptilian mouth
You don’t like the way I speak?
I’ll change the tone of my fast-flicking tongue
You don’t like me to have friends?
I’ll flick them away with my long, scaly tail
You don’t like the way I dress?
I’ll blur my colors with my ever-shifting scales
I’ll change
Again and Again
Until I’m the perfect image of who you think I should be
Until I’m confused on who I was before
Until I look more like you
The perfect little chameleon, me

I didn't want to hate you
but you leave me no choice
I just wanted to love you
but you chose to leave me

I wore long sleeves
to hide the scars
I controlled the amount of pain I was allowed to feel
to make up for the pain you caused
that I was not in control of

I’m struggling, I need a way to cope
Glide through my skin like paper
Smoke into my lungs, sweet vapor
You can only see my pain through a microscope

All these fake girls
copy-paste clones of each other
of course I'm included
I'm the same basic model, copied over
because if you don't dress like them
act like them, do as they do
You're
"weird"
"queer"
"autistic"
"*******"
But maybe all those girls
who differ from the social norms
who express themselves in a way that screams "I'M ME!"
instead of a way that shouts "I'M A COPY-PASTE CLONE!"
just maybe those girls are the normal ones.
Just a thought.

I think of everything I go through daily
the hitting, the screaming
the narcissism, the manipulation
the abuse
and I think
Could be worse
so I end up being grateful that at least
I got food to eat and somewhere to sleep
a school to go to and siblings that care
I look at the bigger picture
instead of allowing myself to feel like a victim
because that mindset will get me nowhere
so I cope in silence and just be thankful
because it could be worse

I need
I need
the only thought in my mind right now
Stop it, you're fine, fight the craving
Give me
Give me
Give me
My hands are shaking and my lungs are aching
craving
gasping for breath but air isn't what I need, I need, I need
I
Can't
Fight
I just can't
I can't think about anything else
it's consuming me
random shudders rack my body
hands clawing down my face
rocking rocking rocking
craving craving craving
needing needing needing
I need
I need
I need
help me please





















I need.

I came to this road
Seemed normal enough
but I wasn't ready to head down the split
I try to turn around
go back the way I came
but instead of the path full of flowers and sweet ignorance
that once trailed here
there is only an ugly black hole in the ground
If I turn back I'll get stuck in this rut
If I move on I don't know which road is safe
This one has a sweet scent and butterflies
But if you peer into the distance you can see the demons at the end
This one swirls with mysterious fog, dark, damp, uninviting
but you can see through the fog to the dim light

I don't want to make this choice
I want to turn back around
Why am I at this crossroad
Is never the question you should ask
Pick a road, head on down
Take the easy, or take the hard
But don't turn around and get stuck in the past

Escape the crossroads, even if its the last thing you do

Becoming an expert
in the intricate art of crying quietly
Tears dropping off your chin
without so much as a drip
sniffling without a sound
heart breaking without a loud shatter
crying quietly
because no one cares if you make a sound

i'm scared that when I have kids
i'll parent just like her
or her
drugs and abandonment on one end
abuse and manipulation on the other
I don't know how to end the cycle
when I see myself in the reflection of both of their eyes

Damaged Goods, Half Off
She's only slightly broken
No takers at all?

in the deep dark world
shadows lurk and shimmer and hide
monsters snarl and claw and bite
turn a corner and fall into a pit
leave your mind and get stuck
in the sticky black web of the dark world
your limbs are ensnared and your lungs are suffocating
the tendrils of the deep dark world won't ever let you go
the sliver of sunshine taunts and teases
it can melt the sticky blackness of the web you're caught in
you struggle and thrash and reach for it
but the deep dark world keeps pulling it away
but then a hand reaches out
pulls you closer
wraps you up in a sweet embrace
lifts you up to the sliver of sun
holds you there so it warms your face
in the deep dark world there is still
shallow light

I had demons, yes
I had demons not bestowed by you
You weren't supposed to heal them, though
That's not what was expected of you

You, however
Were not supposed to build on them
Add more and more like they were your collection
You were not meant to cheer them on

Like it was your life's goal to see me consumed
I had demons, yes
Some not bestowed by you
But you only made it worse
by giving me all of yours too.

means disgracefully bad
awfully vile
Extremely evil or cruel
Got me thinking
That's a good word for you

I'll let you die happy
I won't tell you how you hurt me
I'll let you live in blissful peace
without the knowledge of my pain
you deserve to be happy
even if that means quelling my anger

don't
tell me my feelings aren't real!
don't
tell me I don't matter!
don't
tell me I'm too much to handle!
don't
tell me I'm not worthy!
don't
tell me I'm not deserving!
don't
tell me I'm not smart!
don't
tell me I'm not pretty!
don't
because I will believe you

******* dudes who only care
About their hair
They’ll smile at you real sweet
Tell you they love you, want you
Oh, you’re such a treat
All the while the knife they intend to end you with
Is tucked into the dark corners of their soul
Where you never would have thought to look
Whispering sweet nothings in your ear
Buying lavish gifts and telling you what you want to hear
Then they will just
Stab
Stab
Stab you in the back
Yet you’ll love him anyway
He gave you everything once
And you’ll be begging him to stay
But he’ll just leave because ******* dudes don’t care about you
They only care
About their hair

You are the color of emptiness and anger
You are not the sunshine; you are stormy weather
I ask "when will you love me?" and you say never
this isn't about knowledge, it is about power
instead of boosting me up you only brought me lower
I gave you my all, you took everything I had to offer
They always say "you must respect your Elder!"
but you have not changed me for the better
and yet you are nothing if not my tether

i make up dumb excuses
like
i ran into a wall
because maybe secretly i want them to know
the real reason
behind the black skin around my eye

Oh how I want to scream in your face!
Say, Look at what you've done to this place!
Why don't you see all your kids fear you?
Open your eyes and see what we've been through!
AHHHHH I just want you to SEE!
Not just to see, but to WATCH me!
Watch how I shake when you start to speak!
See how you've made us all feel weak!
Look at you pretend like you did nothing wrong!
Well guess what! Now that I'm feeling strong
I will tear you down, limb for limb, word by word
Slice you open with the same double-edged sword!
You will DROWN in the same pool I've been sinking in
You will FEEL the consequences of the person you've been!
And you will know, without a doubt,
That these are the words I have always needed to shout.

look at whatever you want
just not at my fingernails
bitten down to the quick
please

she is forged from fire in the Great Inferno
her flames blaze and rage
her anger knows no limits
and destroys all that she touches
ash appears where her fingers trailed
smoke fills her lungs and blackens her heart
she has tried to still the wildfire
but people aim matches into her heart
so she lets her blazing anger reign
she is long past caring who gets singed
the tears of others no longer puts her out
only her own can
she is incapable of making her own tears now
the heat from her own flames has dried her tear ducts
she looks around at the chaos and destruction
she knows that she has caused it
and that only she can stop it
but now her anger is the ash suffocating the ones she loves most
she is not but a fire girl

when I was five I just wanted to be grown
now that I am I wish I were five
with shoulders that are far too tiny to carry the weight bestowed
with a mind too worried about Barbies to care that I was hurting
with legs too small to walk the miles of life experience
with eyes that are only able to focus on today, instead of tomorrow
with a heart too pure and innocent to realize it's being burned
with sticky hands and sunburned skin
with scraped up knees and callused feet
with problems that are now so insignificant
such as, I don't know whether to pick pink or purple for my nails?
When I was five all I wanted was to be grown
I wish I would have known

some people's footsteps are loud
they want everyone to know that they have entered
or perhaps they have no reason to hide
They strike the ground first with their heel
you can always hear them approach

but mine?
my footsteps are silent
I glide across without a sound
no one needs to know that I am here
I have reason to hide
I tread first with the pads of my feet
you will never hear me approach

One wrong move
One wrong word
An accidental glance
Unleashes the fury
Don’t take the chance
Don’t say a thing
Look away
Because the fury will swing
Relentless, towards you
Until you’re curled on the floor
And you won’t have a clue
About why the fury was unleashed on you

What
if
I
was
just

























Gone?

I asked you for a hair tie
but it wasn't for my hair
and surely you don't know
that it is still
encircling my wrist
twisting around my fingers
every now and then and again
I asked you for a hair tie
but it wasn't for my hair
I always need something to fiddle with
to busy my hands, my fingers
so they don't do anything dangerous
I asked you for a hair tie
but it wasn't for my hair
it was simply to protect my sanity

Life takes too much energy
Exhausted
all
the
time
Sick of it all
It's not the first time struck by an episode
Life is going average
Ok-ish
pretty boring
but
routine
is
key

O
C
D

Yes, life could be better
but we'll get through it
I know we'll get through it
because you told me we will
so we shall
hand
in
hand
Together

Today is your birthday
So I baked you a cake
More then you did on mine
I cleaned the whole house, that's your present
Your present to me was a black eye and busted lip
Happy ******* birthday Mom

Oh, I always seem happy
Thank you
I've had years
and years
To perfect my happy strategy
The right size smile here
A well placed laugh right there
Tears only released in the dark
That's my happy strategy

I refuse to call it home
I have never felt at home here in this hell
because you are like unhappy Hades himself
deciding my fate
Spindling my future in whatever way you weave
Deciding how I should stay and when I can leave
I feel myself melting away in these horrible hot hellfires
changing from who I once was to who you decide I shall be
So much so that I feel the need to punish myself
As if you have not inflicted enough hell
upon me