I Hate You.















There, I said it.

shut your MOUTH
and let me speak
because when you SPEAK
I can't think
When you THINK
you don't filter
and when you don't FILTER
your words hurt
and when you HURT
you don't care
when you don't CARE
I want to die.

all I can feel is your absence

I am peaches, the color purple and weeping willows
summer, pool parties and fireworks
I am roses, dark chocolate and cranberries
true crime documentaries and spicy books
I am mountains and rushing creeks
long runs and misbehaving hair
I am the scent of strawberries and watermelon jolly ranchers
huge libraries and rain
I am dandelions and volleyball
homemade jellies, pasta and long hot showers
I am photography, pencil lead and llamas
scrapbooking, gardening and shiny things
I am beaded bracelets, ripped jeans and hoodies
mascara and braids, bruises and scratches
I am all that I am

unrequited
but you are kind, sweet
funny, you make me laugh
nervous laughter, loud laughter
REAL laughter
I could list your good qualities for days
for it has always been you
like how hard you try to be good
and how well you succeed at it
you love your mom even though she wasn't a good parent
you care for your family although they couldn't give you
the life you deserved
if I were to dream up the perfect one for me
it would be you
It would always be you
you being here has reminded me of that
you, with your heart so pure but yet so damaged
you, with your picky eating and goofy smile
but you can never truly see me
you will never be able to think of me as anything other
than as a sister, your best friend's little sister
and I can never tell you how I feel, how I think about you
but here, I can say
it
has
and will always be
you

you never asked for purple pajamas, but now you have two
you loved the water and the way it rippled
but now it taunts you
drowns you
you're afraid you won't be noticed
until you're gone
Like maybe
You’re
Just
There
And of course you say "I'm fine."
But all your words are screams.
Silent screams.
you hold in your tears because maybe you're worried
that they will see it.
And we all know what it's like to flail on your own
without somebody to hold your hand
So you question if even the air filling your lungs matter
but of course it does
and so do the cracks on your heart and the bruises on your skin
Don't just deal with it
Because
you
wonderful
       beautiful
                lovely
                                YOU
Matter!
And you ARE good enough
And you ARE alive
And your life is a song!
Where
            Do
                  You
                    Belong?
Here!

the world may be cruel but you have found a way to live
and that is the bravest thing you could ever do
and you find your peace in the love that grows
you
are
a
gift
as for the why
why should these people deserve you?
they shouldn't
if they don't look at you the right way
let you be who you want to be
let you fly the way you wish
then the only why you should ask is
why do I waste my time for those who are
undeserving of me?
you
are
a
gift
because you are
exquisite
it's okay to feel sad without knowing a reason
but find happiness without reason as well
they can keep throwing their rocks
but you aren't just any glass,
you are the kind that is unbreakable
unshatterable
you
are
a
gift
you don't have to be in the dark any longer
keep turning on the light
let it become you
until you are the light
because you are
But first you
must begin
your warning label reads
Too Good For This World
and you're not a waste of space
you
are
a
gift
so just Reboot, Restart, and try again
you mustn't burn the beautiful away
that's what the darkness wants
it wants you to strike a light
blaze it all away
but your name IS important
you ARE allowed to be visible
I see you!
don't listen to their fake words
put them last
because
you
are
a
gift
you will not be forgotten
just deep breathe in and deep breathe out
in a game of cat and mouse
you are the bigger person
So sit back up
straighten your crown
because you are not only a gift
you
are
royalty!

Grow up, honestly
Expecting me to apologize when those words have never left your lips
Truth be told, that's so hypocritical
And no, I'm not counting
"I'm sorry I busted your lip but you deserved it"
As an apology
At every tiny mistake I am forced to apologize
Whether I did anything wrong or not
But you, High Almighty you,
apparently have nothing to apologize for.
Grow up.
Honestly.

I thought this one would be the same
I didn't raise red flags by the name
I read outside the lines, I am sad to admit
an hour later, realization hit
you weren't just talking about leaving this space
you were actually writing about leaving this PLACE
I scrambled to reread it, tried to decide
but all I found were more hints that I was right
I typed out a message, but I fear I was too late
I am certain you have chosen your own fate
your poems spoke of love, nature and pain
but it seems you felt your life was in vain
and I just can't help the thoughts that cross my mind
what if I had reached out sooner, been more kind?
you came to me when you were worried about someone
yet the amount of concern I had for you at that moment was none
you have left us stranded
I took you for granted
I don't even know if you're alive or dead
there is still more I would have said
I didn't even know you
but from what I knew
there was so much raw kindness and concern for everyone
but this was not kind, what you have done
curse all those who led you to do this
yet forgive them nonetheless
I will miss your name on my homepage every day
there was still so much more you didn't allow me to say.

sometimes it's like
whoever programmed me
hit random buttons
created the wrong code
and just didn't fix it
I want to hit backspace.

I cut my finger cooking
wiped away the blood and carried on
"Why don't you get a band-aid?"
Because, little sister
One day you will endure worse
then just a skin deep cut.
And, little sister
band-aids cover pain.
They don't fix it.

is a black cat
with white paws
one stitched back up
from where she finally burst
at the end of her long
silky black tail
is a white tip
that I would chew on when I was young
her eyes are green
her nose pink
I've had her since I can remember
My beautiful stuffed bella

you drive a black truck
with silver accents
and now
every time I see one similar
my heart freezes
and anxiety builds
you always parked it
in the same spot
and you watched me
I know you did
I tried to erase it
but the image remains
of your stupid
stupid black truck
with the silver accents

it's truly amazing
what braces can do
I went from a girl with teeth too big for her mouth
and large gaps between all front teeth
to someone a little easier on the eyes
and a little more confident
after four years
of metal, wires, pain and colorful bands

I used to think you could not break me
but now I see
every shard of me
you hold in your fists

they do not cut you as they should
but then, nothing ever cuts you as it should
does it?
I want to say I'm mad but I'm not

I'm just numb
I'm just done
I don't bear the weight of you alone
but yet I seem to be the only one who cannot cope

I wish things cut you as they should
and remorse bled out
and dripped onto everything you do
Like it does for me

but it never will
but I cannot blame you for having no guilt in your veins
but of course it's not your fault
so you just live your life without knowing

you broke me.

I wish you would break me
quit hitting me just hard enough to fracture
and break me already
i'm tired of gluing the pieces back together
i'm tired of the lies
the makeup
the blinking away tears from my eyes
just woman up
and break me already

jagged sharp broken
glass
of a picture frame
broken sharp jagged
memories
of the people portrayed

I broke my mirror
stared into the shards and cracks
Look, that's more like me

I talk to him, biting back tears
He goofs off, makes me laugh
He comes in, late at night
Tells me everything, values my opinion
I vent to him, him to me
He doesn’t judge when he sees the real me
Keeps me sane, provides me humor
In a few months, he’ll be gone
Cap thrown in the air, waving goodbye
He’ll be glad to be out, but he’ll leave me behind
And I’ll cry every night, missing his voice
Missing his sturdy presence in my life
He’s someone to lean on, someone to cry to
But he won’t shed a tear, pretend he never has
But I’ve seen him cry, because I’ve seen him at his worst
Just as he’s seen me at mine
He’ll call when he’s gone, but it won’t be the same
Because there will be no more secret smiles
No more looks exchanged across a room
No more conversations made with only our eyes
No more secrets kept just between him and me
He’s been right by my side my whole life
And now it feels like I might die
Now that he won’t be there to make me laugh when I cry

I used to bruise easily
both on the inside
and outside
words used to grab
me like a vise
and leave bruises under the skin
mottling my confidence
with their ugly black hue
fists used to bruise
my eyes, my legs, my arms
on the outside of my skin
leaving marks for all to see
but over the years I built up tolerance
nothing bruises me anymore
nothing can cut me anymore
nothing can hurt me when I don't care
anymore

hope is a butterfly
it dances in front of your face
until you try to catch it
then it flutters away like
its got other places to be
and if you do manage to catch it
you'll only damage it

a candy cane carnation
is mostly white but tinged
With red
Red, like blood
for the people who made you bleed
White, like innocence
for who you were before you bled
I think I could be
a candy cane carnation

can you hear my words
when I say nothing at all?
can you see my pain
when I smile without my eyes?
can you smell my desperation
when I'm trying hard to be calm?
can you taste the salt from my tears
when I don't shed them in your presence?
can you feel the real me
when I don't even feel it?

some say I'm nosy
but I disagree
I think my problem is that I care
too much
I want to fix everyone
and to do that I must know everything
until it becomes obsessive
how do I stop caring so much

your words are the chain
that I will drag as a ghost
every word
a new link
clink
clink
clink
by the time you are done
my chain's a mile long
and your fist
is the shackle 'round my ankle
and your heart
bruised and beaten and battered
is the ball at the end of the chain
'till I
clatter
clatter
clatter
anytime I move

I take off all my chains before I shower
tear them from my neck, my wrists, my ankles
leave them in a discarded heap on the counter
while I get into the scalding hot spray
and scrub my skin until it is shiny and red
and the blood mixes with the water
runs into the drain
but doesn't erase my pain

a day so many years ago
drawing with sidewalk chalk
chalk pieces left on the driveway
rain
began to fall
drawings began to blur and fade
chalk pieces dissolving
into sticky puddles
of neon orange, pink
purple and blue
swirling together
makes me remember
that there was a day
when I stopped going back out
with a piece of chalk in hand
to leave drawings for the rain to distort

I live my life as a fake
Chameleon, blending in with my surroundings
Changing to your liking
You want me happier?
I’ll turn up the corners of my reptilian mouth
You don’t like the way I speak?
I’ll change the tone of my fast-flicking tongue
You don’t like me to have friends?
I’ll flick them away with my long, scaly tail
You don’t like the way I dress?
I’ll blur my colors with my ever-shifting scales
I’ll change
Again and Again
Until I’m the perfect image of who you think I should be
Until I’m confused on who I was before
Until I look more like you
The perfect little chameleon, me

I didn't want to hate you
but you leave me no choice
I just wanted to love you
but you chose to leave me

"you look like how I used to know you in that picture."

I was ugly back then!

"I don't think you were ugly."

consolation or truth?

I wore long sleeves
to hide the scars
I controlled the amount of pain I was allowed to feel
to make up for the pain you caused
that I was not in control of

I’m struggling, I need a way to cope
Glide through my skin like paper
Smoke into my lungs, sweet vapor
You can only see my pain through a microscope

I think of everything I go through daily
the hitting, the screaming
the narcissism, the manipulation
the abuse
and I think
Could be worse
so I end up being grateful that at least
I got food to eat and somewhere to sleep
a school to go to and siblings that care
I look at the bigger picture
instead of allowing myself to feel like a victim
because that mindset will get me nowhere
so I cope in silence and just be thankful
because it could be worse

I need
I need
the only thought in my mind right now
Stop it, you're fine, fight the craving
Give me
Give me
Give me
My hands are shaking and my lungs are aching
craving
gasping for breath but air isn't what I need, I need, I need
I
Can't
Fight
I just can't
I can't think about anything else
it's consuming me
random shudders rack my body
hands clawing down my face
rocking rocking rocking
craving craving craving
needing needing needing
I need
I need
I need
help me please





















I need.

you're making me crazy!
I swear,
just calm down before I lose
my mind!!!!

I came to this road
Seemed normal enough
but I wasn't ready to head down the split
I try to turn around
go back the way I came
but instead of the path full of flowers and sweet ignorance
that once trailed here
there is only an ugly black hole in the ground
If I turn back I'll get stuck in this rut
If I move on I don't know which road is safe
This one has a sweet scent and butterflies
But if you peer into the distance you can see the demons at the end
This one swirls with mysterious fog, dark, damp, uninviting
but you can see through the fog to the dim light

I don't want to make this choice
I want to turn back around
Why am I at this crossroad
Is never the question you should ask
Pick a road, head on down
Take the easy, or take the hard
But don't turn around and get stuck in the past

Escape the crossroads, even if its the last thing you do

Becoming an expert
in the intricate art of crying quietly
Tears dropping off your chin
without so much as a drip
sniffling without a sound
heart breaking without a loud shatter
crying quietly
because no one cares if you make a sound

i'm scared that when I have kids
i'll parent just like her
or her
drugs and abandonment on one end
abuse and manipulation on the other
I don't know how to end the cycle
when I see myself in the reflection of both of their eyes

I look at my eyes
and I don't see anything in them
they're just dead
the little girl sparkle is extinguished
the flame of hope is tired
and the brightness is done caring
my eyes are dead
and they reflect my heart

in the deep dark world
shadows lurk and shimmer and hide
monsters snarl and claw and bite
turn a corner and fall into a pit
leave your mind and get stuck
in the sticky black web of the dark world
your limbs are ensnared and your lungs are suffocating
the tendrils of the deep dark world won't ever let you go
the sliver of sunshine taunts and teases
it can melt the sticky blackness of the web you're caught in
you struggle and thrash and reach for it
but the deep dark world keeps pulling it away
but then a hand reaches out
pulls you closer
wraps you up in a sweet embrace
lifts you up to the sliver of sun
holds you there so it warms your face
in the deep dark world there is still
shallow light

I had demons, yes
I had demons not bestowed by you
You weren't supposed to heal them, though
That's not what was expected of you

You, however
Were not supposed to build on them
Add more and more like they were your collection
You were not meant to cheer them on

Like it was your life's goal to see me consumed
I had demons, yes
Some not bestowed by you
But you only made it worse
by giving me all of yours too.

I'll let you die happy
I won't tell you how you hurt me
I'll let you live in blissful peace
without the knowledge of my pain
you deserve to be happy
even if that means quelling my anger

I think it's safe to say
that right now I'm doing okay
I don't feel sad
I'm not even mad
I'm not yet happy
but then again, I don't think I ever will be
I just think that right now I can truly say
I'm just doing okay.

******* dudes who only care
About their hair
They’ll smile at you real sweet
Tell you they love you, want you
Oh, you’re such a treat
All the while the knife they intend to end you with
Is tucked into the dark corners of their soul
Where you never would have thought to look
Whispering sweet nothings in your ear
Buying lavish gifts and telling you what you want to hear
Then they will just
Stab
Stab
Stab you in the back
Yet you’ll love him anyway
He gave you everything once
And you’ll be begging him to stay
But he’ll just leave because ******* dudes don’t care about you
They only care
About their hair

dread
weighs
heavy
as
anxiety
grabs
hold
and
slowly
kills me

my dreams are often twisted reality
a distorted version of real events
and sometimes predictions of future events
that later give me deja vu
but sometimes they are whispered secrets
of things I didn't know happened, or things
I didn't know I wanted
I never remember them, except in small snatches the morning after
but the nightmares resonate, every second after
and they are always always always my reality

I feel like I'm drowning
like my lungs are pulling, desperate for air
but all they find is a substance suffocating
I can't see the surface
I'm too far gone
I stopped kicking a long time ago
everybody blurs with the water
but they are swimming
they don't notice I've been sinking
and that my last bubble of air
has escaped my lips
in the form of a cry for help

those shorts fit you last summer
she says
you've lost weight
she observes
you didn't weigh enough to begin with
she barks
are you eating
she asks
you can't afford to miss a meal
she shouts
finish all your food
she demands
she acts like she cares
but in reality
the only reason she noticed
was because she was told