shut your MOUTH
and let me speak
because when you SPEAK
I can't think
When you THINK
you don't filter
and when you don't FILTER
your words hurt
and when you HURT
you don't care
when you don't CARE
I want to die.

some people's footsteps are loud
they want everyone to know that they have entered
or perhaps they have no reason to hide
They strike the ground first with their heel
you can always hear them approach

but mine?
my footsteps are silent
I glide across without a sound
no one needs to know that I am here
I have reason to hide
I tread first with the pads of my feet
you will never hear me approach

Lies, deceit
truth stowed away
kept behind clenched teeth
and locked lips
all the while the lies spill
unbound, from desperate mouths
oozing out like honey dripping from
a liar's tongue
Lies, deceit

you rip apart the seams of this family
you are a hurricane and we are the destruction in your wake
you are a wildfire and we are burned
you are an earthquake but you aren't the one rattled
you have caused mass destruction and singed everyone you touched
you hate us
you natural disaster

I Hate You.















There, I said it.

tell me what you see
when you look at me
of course you see the same thing
the same thing I see

of course you see the same
ugliness and darkness
of course you notice
the emptiness and worthlessness

of course you see the same
because there's no prettiness
no worth, no light, no fulfillment
Tell me how you notice the things you say you do!

i'm scared that when I have kids
i'll parent just like her
or her
drugs and abandonment on one end
abuse and manipulation on the other
I don't know how to end the cycle
when I see myself in the reflection of both of their eyes

just once
I want to be called beautiful
I wont believe you anyways
but i'll want to
just once I want you to tell me i'm worth it
I won't trust you
but i'll try
just once I want you to see me
i'll pretend you weren't looking at me
but i'll know
just once I want to be told i'm perfect
flaws included
but I won't believe you

You screamed this morning
Now my makeup is running
Look. You ruined me.

the people i'm closest to
never seem to stay
they always have to go away
and leave me behind
crying

fingertips
trailing through the clear crystalline water
feet
squishing through the lush grass
face
turned up towards the warm heat of the sun
lungs
inhaling the sweet, clean air
hair
blowing in the gentle cooling breeze
ears
listening to the wonderful serene sounds
heart
at peace at last

I think of everything I go through daily
the hitting, the screaming
the narcissism, the manipulation
the abuse
and I think
Could be worse
so I end up being grateful that at least
I got food to eat and somewhere to sleep
a school to go to and siblings that care
I look at the bigger picture
instead of allowing myself to feel like a victim
because that mindset will get me nowhere
so I cope in silence and just be thankful
because it could be worse

just another quick write
before I sign off for the night
today I laughed
I loved
I learned
So I feel like that made it a great day
dontcha think?

We were sitting in the park
I was six, my brother seven
I love you, she told us
Our once-a-monthly visit
That she missed more then she made
I'm working hard to get you back
I'm trying to stay clean
So you can come and live with me
I never told her what I really felt
So here are those words now
I needed you to save me
I needed you to want me
But I guess the drugs were a stronger force
Then the love you should have felt for your kids
Now I live in hell
And I swear its all your fault

a day so many years ago
drawing with sidewalk chalk
chalk pieces left on the driveway
rain
began to fall
drawings began to blur and fade
chalk pieces dissolving
into sticky puddles
of neon orange, pink
purple and blue
swirling together
makes me remember
that there was a day
when I stopped going back out
with a piece of chalk in hand
to leave drawings for the rain to distort

The perfect family
Smile for the public
No one knows what's beneath the laughter and jokes
No one suspects that they are anything less than
The perfect family
Picture perfect house
Picture perfect appearance
Won’t someone look a little deeper
Look past the expensive things
Look at the expressions
Can’t you tell
That this isn’t a perfect family?

when I smile,
know that it is
forced
when I laugh
know that it is
fake
when I cry
know that it is
overdue
when I scream
know that it is
powerless
when I die
know that it was
wanted

your words are the chain
that I will drag as a ghost
every word
a new link
clink
clink
clink
by the time you are done
my chain's a mile long
and your fist
is the shackle 'round my ankle
and your heart
bruised and beaten and battered
is the ball at the end of the chain
'till I
clatter
clatter
clatter
anytime I move

Blacked my eye
but I won't cry
Screamed in my face
but I won't cry
Called me names
but I won't cry
I won't
I repeat
I refuse
To shed another tear for you

just a girl with some demons
but they don't define her
Because sometimes she skips instead of walks
sometimes she laughs for no reason
sometimes she tells stupid jokes
sometimes she loves so hard it hurts
sometimes she purposely avoids her reflection
sometimes she sings at the top of her lungs
and she loves her brothers and sisters and friends
and sometimes she cries herself to sleep
and sometimes she complains about nothing
and she writes bad poetry
and she spends hours inside a book
and sometimes she questions everything
but she's just a girl

scream at me
and I will hate myself
manipulate me
and I will do the same
beat me
and I will cause my own scars
just speak to me
and I will listen and learn
all this extra is unnecessary.

don't
tell me my feelings aren't real!
don't
tell me I don't matter!
don't
tell me I'm too much to handle!
don't
tell me I'm not worthy!
don't
tell me I'm not deserving!
don't
tell me I'm not smart!
don't
tell me I'm not pretty!
don't
because I will believe you

You rule with an evil golden scepter
Keep us pinned under your blackened thumb
Create angry reddened scars if we try to run
Twirl us around on your puppeteer strings
Cause chaos if we want to just be happy
Stir up unreasonable guilt with your *******
Call us names and bruise and beat us
Taunt and scream and never relent
Rage and rampage because you are a bull and we are the matador
this is what you do

Oh, I always seem happy
Thank you
I've had years
and years
To perfect my happy strategy
The right size smile here
A well placed laugh right there
Tears only released in the dark
That's my happy strategy

how come I'm forced to be happy when you are its not fair its not what I want to be I just want to scream!

spiralingg basically I'm not doing okay

Come here and let me tell you a secret
Mother

...

Still can't bring myself to say it.

on the outside I am happy
perfectly normal
I act like every single one of you
I dress the same way, style my hair the same
Every day
but if you peel back the many layers
that I have created to cover my true self
you'll find darkness and turmoil and weeping screaming scars
i'm tired of dressing and acting like you guys
I'm tired of pretending to be normal
when all I want is to slice open and let the pain bleed down the drain
till maybe I will be normal

you drive a black truck
with silver accents
and now
every time I see one similar
my heart freezes
and anxiety builds
you always parked it
in the same spot
and you watched me
I know you did
I tried to erase it
but the image remains
of your stupid
stupid black truck
with the silver accents

every tear that has streamed down my face
was crafted by your violent touch
was forged with your hateful words
was built around your narcissistic ways
every tear I made was made for you

I wore long sleeves
to hide the scars
I controlled the amount of pain I was allowed to feel
to make up for the pain you caused
that I was not in control of

I hope that when you die

You'll get the best eternal life

But I hope you never forget

What you did to me.

I broke my mirror
stared into the shards and cracks
Look, that's more like me

Damaged Goods, Half Off
She's only slightly broken
No takers at all?

means disgracefully bad
awfully vile
Extremely evil or cruel
Got me thinking
That's a good word for you

Pen to paper
Write
I can't
Fingers to keyboard
Write
I can't
Thoughts in mind
Write
I can't

I’m struggling, I need a way to cope
Glide through my skin like paper
Smoke into my lungs, sweet vapor
You can only see my pain through a microscope

is a black cat
with white paws
one stitched back up
from where she finally burst
at the end of her long
silky black tail
is a white tip
that I would chew on when I was young
her eyes are green
her nose pink
I've had her since I can remember
My beautiful stuffed bella

I wanna die, wanna quit, won’t you stop at my limit?
Tough it up, stick it out, take a hit and cower down
Wanna drown, wanna sink, mind’s so foggy I can’t think
I lie and steal and sneak and fake, and worst of all,  I manipulate
I’m just like you, can’t you see? I’m everything you wished for me
Make you happy? Make you proud? I couldn’t do it, kick me out
I can’t stay, but I can’t leave, I just can’t seem to get away
Flip the script, turn the tables, happy endings are just for fables
Not good enough, ask me why? It's not because I don’t ******* try
You tell me to change yet I stay the same, you try to guilt me, cause me shame
When I scream, the sound is gone, because no one seems to catch on
I’m shaking, burning, my life in flames, I feel like ruining me is your aim
Between my knees, my head hangs low, the weight of the trauma you bestow
When I cry, you see red, your blindness to it left unsaid
I scream, I shake, I shout out loud, but your yelling always drowns me out
In my mind, I beg you to listen, but I cannot talk without opposition
In your eyes, there's no recognition, it forces me to start demolition
Destroying my body, my mind, my soul, my sense of worth long gone in a hole
When you speak, I dully obey, but never enough, to my dismay
I’m the bad one, sneaky, conniving, dying while everyone else is thriving
Lying awake, in my bed, just to make sure there’s nothing said
If I close my eyes, I’ll wake too fast, and nothing else will take me back
To my sleep, where I’m peaceful at last
You walk past, what have I become? waiting for a blow that’s bound to come
I sink, I drown, I gasp for breath, reaching for all that I have left
Right behind me, there's a Past, one that wasn’t meant to come back
When I leave, I’ll be the Past, the one that’s not ever coming back
You’ll moan and gripe and whine and complain, but I tell you, it's all in vain
Am I meant to read your mind? What you want is never clearly outlined
You love the ones close to you, but you don’t see anything wrong with what you do
When you’re happy, times are good; we laugh and smile, all is well
The sun will shine, the birds will sing, and for a moment, we’ll forget the sting

God painted her with a fine-point paintbrush
He took his time, slow and steady, absolutely no rush
So He could make her just right
But He left out sunshine to scare away demons dark as night
I know he meant to illustrate the rain
To wash away all her raw, bleeding pain
He was supposed to brush the storm clouds away
But He only finished her halfway
Maybe He just forgot
At least, that's what I was taught
No Father could let His child hurt like this
yet here she is

I'll let you die happy
I won't tell you how you hurt me
I'll let you live in blissful peace
without the knowledge of my pain
you deserve to be happy
even if that means quelling my anger

in the deep dark world
shadows lurk and shimmer and hide
monsters snarl and claw and bite
turn a corner and fall into a pit
leave your mind and get stuck
in the sticky black web of the dark world
your limbs are ensnared and your lungs are suffocating
the tendrils of the deep dark world won't ever let you go
the sliver of sunshine taunts and teases
it can melt the sticky blackness of the web you're caught in
you struggle and thrash and reach for it
but the deep dark world keeps pulling it away
but then a hand reaches out
pulls you closer
wraps you up in a sweet embrace
lifts you up to the sliver of sun
holds you there so it warms your face
in the deep dark world there is still
shallow light

she is forged from fire in the Great Inferno
her flames blaze and rage
her anger knows no limits
and destroys all that she touches
ash appears where her fingers trailed
smoke fills her lungs and blackens her heart
she has tried to still the wildfire
but people aim matches into her heart
so she lets her blazing anger reign
she is long past caring who gets singed
the tears of others no longer puts her out
only her own can
she is incapable of making her own tears now
the heat from her own flames has dried her tear ducts
she looks around at the chaos and destruction
she knows that she has caused it
and that only she can stop it
but now her anger is the ash suffocating the ones she loves most
she is not but a fire girl

jagged sharp broken
glass
of a picture frame
broken sharp jagged
memories
of the people portrayed

you say...
you're a bad person
you're a liar
you're gonna end up in jail
you're a thief
you're gonna be on drugs
you're ugly
you're just like your mom
you'll never succeed
well guess what
you're my inner voice

it seems the more I have to lose
the easier I am to bruise
because once you took everything I loved before
then there was nothing left to live for