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3.6k · Aug 2011
Dubstep
Lydia Samantha Aug 2011
Dubstep
And the beat drops me alone
It drops
It drops
It drops
And it echoes
In this tight space
Full of my belongings
Screaming solitude
sigh
And that echoes too
Matching with the rhythm
Of the bass
Trying to escape from the speakers.
Like I'm trying to escape
From this solitude
From these people
And like that
******* bass
I can't escape
I'm not equipped to escape
I can't be let out there.
Alone.
Even with people
I can't do it.
I don't know what I'm doing
Or what I want
But I know I'm hurt
And I can't tell you where
And I'm not sure I can tell you why
But I know that as long as I have this
Playing in the background
Overpowering my senses
Itching it's way into my scalp
I can forget.
I can forget.
I can lose myself in it
And forget the hurt
And forget the confusion
And forget everything
As long as I have this
**music
Continue reading...
3.2k · Nov 2011
My Daddy Doesn't Cry
Lydia Samantha Nov 2011
My Daddy Doesn't Cry
For as long as I can remember
My daddy doesn't cry.
Ridiculous, I know,
But I never saw a tear leave his eyes.
When his son got sent away,
My daddy didn't cry.
When he lost his job
Again and Again and Again
My daddy didn't cry.
When his brother died
My daddy didn't cry.
When we found out my siblings had autism
My daddy didn't cry.
When his sister in law died,
My daddy didn't cry.
When his mom died 26 hours later,
My daddy didn't cry.
But when my father realized that he was slowing losing me
When I had failed to tell him how much I loved him
He sat in the car
Tears shining in his eyes
And he begged me
He begged me to give him a second chance.
And as a single tear streamed down his face
I couldn't help but tear up myself
At the thought of all the miscommunication
All the fights and all the misunderstandings
For the first time in forever
I actually felt loved by father,
That first time
I saw my daddy cry.
Continue reading...
2.5k · Aug 2011
Whore
Lydia Samantha Aug 2011
*****
I am a ***** of the very worst kind
Not of *** and promiscuity
A ***** of my own
Creation
You come up on my radar
Latch
Seek
Destroy
And you will never know
Each and every one of my
Dead lovers
Never loved me back
Tear them up
Spit them out
Abandoned
Just like me
But I hurt
I feel emotion
Like clods of dirt
Inside my chest
Rip it open
Scream at each
Small thing
Wrong thing
I want only this
That I can never have
Curses
Plagues
Dead
Ex-lovers
Stars in their eyes
That look past my
Efforts
Hints
Advances
I am invisible
Invincible
Or so I like to think
The invisible *****
You never saw me coming
Till I cry these three tears
Drop
Drop
Drop
Two from the right
One from the left
Just like the rest
So many to name
That wouldn’t even know my
Hurt
Abandonment
What have you done to me?
Nothing
It is I
Only I
Want so desperately
To touch
To be touched
3 little tears come from
Within this cold hard
Clenched fist
Wetting my palm
Trying to escape
Flung at your calm
Silent face.
I want to be empty
I want to not feel this
Gift.
Emotion.
In the pit of my stomach
Back of my throat
Behind these eyes
Sick
And they fall
One
Two
Three
The time it takes to
Break
Die
Latch
Seek
Destroy
I am on a rampage
To eat each man up
Bone by bone
Flesh and blood
Thoughts and loves
Till I spew it all back out
To every person I meet
I am a ***** of the very worst kind
I’ve been everywhere
Nowhere
Inside everyone
No One
You cannot pay for me.
I’m too cheap.
You do not want me
I am curse
Brought on by
Liars
Abusers
Molesters
I am the product of
A past
Mistakes
And I want you to
Make me better
But I become
Worse
Liken me please
To those on the street
Full of disease
Because I am worth
Nothing
Of your time
Energy
Nothing
And I expect
Nothing more
Than this
Agonizingly
Painful
You
Are just like
Everyone else
That I never wanted you
To be
So much more than
Dead
Ex-lovers
Death from their lips
In long streams of wire
Attached at my wrists
Ankles
Binding me
Cutting deep
Blood
Red
Stains like my shirt
Cutting me
Scarring me
Until I feel so much
Nothing
And uncountable tears
Flood cities
Destroy taverns
Come knocking
Breaking free
Again
And again
And again
And you are
The same
As those
Starry-eyed, wire binding
Dead
Ex-Lovers
So much alive
Reminding me of every
Failure
Each scar on my wrist
In the form of a name
And now you join the rest
In this shallow unmarked grave
You are alone
With them
And I will
Consume this hurt
Like a breakfast
Of nails and tacks
Each bite will puncture
The last remaining composure
Till I am nothing once again
Radar
Radar
Detecting
Latch
Seek
Destroy
All over again
The very worst kind
Continue reading...
1.7k · Jul 2013
Ironing
Lydia Samantha Jul 2013
Ironing
I still catch my breath
everytime I feel that
hot
searing
burst
on my skin
causing it to
pucker
blister
redden
it appears
melted
stretched taunt
forced to do something
it never wanted to do
and because it succumbed
I'm left with the this ever present
sharp
localized
tiny
focal point
of pain.
And it reminds me of you.
Continue reading...
1.5k · Apr 2012
Lies
Lydia Samantha Apr 2012
Lies
Just grab my hand my dear
Ignore all those warning signs
From those who don't know me
Like you do.
Just grab my hand my dear
I promise I'll always be here.
Ignore the pleas
And the concerns
Running through your mind
I promise I'm trustworthy
I promise I care.
Just grab my hand my dear
Never let it go
Never listen to them
Mistakes have clouded their judgement
They don't know me like you do.
Keep your eyes on me love
Hold onto my gaze
Ignore the judging glance
Of those you call your friends
Keep your eyes on me love
I'm the only who cares
Enough to let you live your life
Keep your eyes on me love
We can take over the world
Wrap your arms around me babe
Never let me go
Ignore the pull of those who claim to care
Wrap your arms around me babe
We'll take over the night
And conquer those who stand against us
Wrap your arms around me babe
I promise I'll never let you go
You can always call me home
There is a world out there
That wants to rip us apart
There are people out there
Who don't trust me
But they don't know me like you do
Tonight is the night
You won't be coming back to the place
You used to call home.
Forget about them that hold you back
Come with me.
You're the only one who knows me here.
Continue reading...
1.1k · Sep 2011
And when the sky opened
Lydia Samantha Sep 2011
And when the sky opened
Is there a sound for rain?
A children's book would describe it as
A pitter-patter
A soft drumming on the roof.
But these things don't seem to be
Enough
Rain.
What is it?
What does it sound like?
What does it feel like?
Rain is the breaking open of
The sky
High above
The torrential downpour of
A thunderstorm
Rain is the shadow on a
Sunny Day
My favorite shadow
The sound of rain has
no word
no spelling
Rain is the sound of
A million drops of water
Outlining buildings
People
trees
The sound of bare feet splashing
in puddles
The sound of laughter when a friend
slips
The squeak of wet shoes on a dry
floor.
The sound of a child's squeal at the
sight of a worm.
The sound of rice in a hollow log
The sound of late night walks
Louder than drizzle
Quieter than hurricane
Louder than silence
Quieter than noise
Rain is the feeling of a single
Drop of coldness hitting your
arm and raising goose bumps
Rain is the feeling of water
cascading over your legs as you
skip through a puddle
Rain is bare feet running across the
Sidewalk
Dodging each little crawly
That peaked it's head out of the soft ground
Rain is the smell of your conditioner
in your sopping hair.
Rain is the smell of newness
the smell of wet
the smell of a fresh start
permeating your nostrils.
Rain is happy
Rain is sad.
Rain is everything and nothing
In every way and no way at all.
Continue reading...
1.0k · Oct 2011
Today, Part I
Lydia Samantha Oct 2011
Today, Part I
My boots click on the paved sidewalk
Sending jarring pain to my left temple.
With every step
The weight of the world bears down
In every drop of rain
Falling from the gray sky.
Yet, as my boots sink into the soft, wet mud,
I can't help but smile.
I bite my lip as the corners of my mouth try to reach my cheekbones.
The faint feel of small folded rectangle in my back pocket
Is at the forefront of my mind as I walk to the Chapel.
The cold rain harshly disseminates over the campus
And I feel myself shivering, but that folded square
Is emanating warmth throughout the recesses of my imagination.
This folded square given to me by a classmate,
With an impeccable smile.
He dropped it on the table in front of me, as the professor dismissed us.
'A Note of Encouragement' is printed in his
Neat script on the outside of the folded rectangle.
My imagination flies into overdrive at the contents.

I left before he could see the elation on my face.
Continue reading...
995 · Aug 2011
Aglet
Lydia Samantha Aug 2011
Aglet
Sometimes I feel like closing my eyes
Shutting out the world
But the world will not be shut out
It bounces the walls of my mind.

Sometimes I feel like a stranger
To myself
Therefore a stranger to all
Yet somehow everyone knows me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting
For everything
For nothing
For myself and for you.
But why should I fight for you?

Sometimes I feel like I'm not
pretty
worth it
alive
fillintheblank.

Sometimes I feel like I
really deserve everything
that's happened to me.
Or will.

Sometimes I feel like I
Should have done things differently
I never should have told you
I never should have told you
That day in the park.
That day on a walk.
I told you so may times.
Did you hear me?
Did you hear me?
Did you hear me?

Sometimes I feel like
You didn't hear me.
You listened
But you didn't hear me.
I have to believe that if you heard me
Things would be different.

Sometimes I feel like
You heard me.
But you didn't care.
You didn't believe me.
You thought I was kidding.

Sometimes I feel hurt.
When I see you and you smile at me
While you hold onto her hand.
What do you see?
What do you see?
What do you see?
Look at her at me.
What do you see?

Sometimes I wonder.
What did I do wrong.
Everyone said we'd be so right.
What did I do?
What did I do?
What did I do?
Is there anything to do?
What can I do?

Sometimes I want to know
Why?
Why everything?
Why are the tears welling up in my eyes?
Why am I here?
Why did I do this to myself?
Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy?

No good will come of this.
I've been here before.
Or so I thought
You're different
from everyone else
that has never made me feel this way
like I matter
like I'm important

Sometimes I speculate
Is it different?
Oh it is.
I've lost my filter around you
you make me
say
feel
do
things I wouldn't normally.
I can
say
feel
do
things I always think
but never say
and you accept them
you welcome them

Why?
Better question
Do you even know what you do to me?
Do you even know?
I don't think you do.
It doesn't matter if I've told you or not.
I don't think you really know.
I thought we could be something.
Maybe I'm just impatient.
I'm impatient.
I'm a hypocrite.

I can feel the tears
they are behind my eyes
threatening to well up.
But they will not fall
because i refuse to cry for you
i will not cry for you
i will not cry for you
because i do not regret this
hardship
learning experience.

it takes two
i am one.
i cannot do this
i cannot keep
wanting
pining
longing
liking
crushing
thinking
thinking
thi­nking
of you

I need you
out of my head
out of my heart
not that you were ever there in the first place
because you didn't want my heart
not yet?
Not ever.

I wish I would let myself cry.
because then you could be like everyone else
just another night
crying
crying
crying
till I
sleep.
But you have to be different.
I'm resigned to sleepless nights
writing
writing
writing
this nonsense of thoughts
that have been piled in my head
waiting for me to throw at you
like little daggers
but these words don't hurt you
they only hurt me
because you feel nothing
did you hear me?
what did i do?
what can i do?
thinkingwritingwhy
I want you to be the same
because then i can get over it
the same way i do everyone else
but you are not everyone else
you are different.
why are you different?
please stop.
i need you to be the same
i need you to not care
i need you to make me cry.
because the fact that
i can feel these tears
but they
will
not
f
a
l
l
.
It makes me mad
sad.
but not sad enough to
cry.
I want to cry myself to sleep
but your differentness keeps me awake.
Continue reading...
954 · Aug 2011
You're A Douche
Lydia Samantha Aug 2011
You're A ******
Is that what this was all about?
Her?
You are a
Self
Preservationalist
You only care
As long as you
Don't get hurt.
And in doing that
You hurt
The one's around
You
don't get it.
The things you do
They mean things to
Other people
See it.
Feel it.
Hurt.
And I don't want you
Around her.
And she knows
What you've done
To me
And to them.
And she knows
How you make me
feel.
And she will never
text you
facebook you
Get over it.
Get over HER.
Open your eyes
And see
What
You are doing to
Me.
Continue reading...
950 · Sep 2011
southside
Lydia Samantha Sep 2011
southside
Smoke trails up into the air
Sticky with the scent of
Vanilla and stale cigarettes
That stings my nose.
My shirt sticks to my back
and the sweat collects in my hair.
I swirl hot tea in my mouth
Vanilla creamer
Softening the bitterness of the tea.
My mind clouds with the words of
Aeschylus
Running in and around each other
I cannot make sense of any of it.
My head aches
from the smoke
and the stress
And I just want to stop.
Continue reading...
949 · Jan 2012
It's more of a "Life Block" than "Writer's Block"
Lydia Samantha Jan 2012
It's more of a "Life Block" than "Writer's Block"
Write they tell me
Write and write and write and write
But what do I write?
I want real conversation
I want a certain conversation
I want him to just get the **** over here and talk to me
Like a real person.
Just talk to me.
Talk talk talk
But I don’t even want to talk
**** **** ****
I’m so stressed and ******* up about everything
I stopped eating regularly
And I just sit in my room and do nothing except watch TV and facebook and 9gag.
It’s kind of ridiculous
I KNOW better than this.
I want to sit at a piano for hours.
And I want the music to just flow from my fingers
I wish that music could be words.
I wish that I could communicate myself through a melody
Because words are so harsh and cold
And music is so warm and inviting.
I want I want I want
Life simplified.
Continue reading...
888 · Dec 2011
Life and Death
Lydia Samantha Dec 2011
Life and Death
Life and Death live inside my head
Arguing, fighting between themselves
For my attention
It's an old battle
A hard battle
But one I've fought often
I plead with Life to give me help
I plead with Death to give me leave
Each word spoken by Life
Is deafeningly drowned out by Death's hoarse scream
The quiet whisper of Life reverberates throughout my skull
But what I hear
I can no longer understand
This ever present battle between Life and Death for someone so simple as me
All I want is silence
Freedom
Silence to listen to
Freedom to ask
And with each question comes only the answer
But Life abides by no such rules
And Death obeys no laws
So I live this wretched life with a battle in my head
Forced to strain at the voice of Life being overpowered by the force of Death
I wish Life simple
And Death
Nonexistent.
Continue reading...
856 · Oct 2013
monotony
Lydia Samantha Oct 2013
monotony
Thinkthinkthink
The bad thinks and the good thinks
Mistake thinks
Miracle thinks
Thinkthinkthink
Until I overthink
Of all the thinks I can think
And all the thinks I have not
Thinkthinkthink
Until the thinks in my brain turn sour
And the thinks in my brain turn vindictive
Until I want to **** the thinks I’ve been thinking so long
monotony
Continue reading...
699 · Dec 2013
Confessions of a Best Friend
Lydia Samantha Dec 2013
Confessions of a Best Friend
Awkward silences
Fill the empty void
Inside
Where I kept you
And all the things
Created
Thoughts,
Images
Dreams
Released
Into open air
For everyone to
See
Tainted images
This is the here and now
This is the future
This is what you
Knew but never
Wanted it to be
This is silence
This is internal
Processing
This is the loss
Of dreams dreamt
For days
This is everything
Gone
Opened
To the air
And now I sit
In this silence
Knowing what
I have to say
Is not enough
And far too much
This is the curse
Of the dreams born out of
A fruitless existence
In my head and
All I can do is
Let the tears stream down
My face as
The silence
Swallows us whole
Like death swallows the
Happiness
That once was had
My dreams lie shattered
After I beat
Them with a hammer and
Exposed them
For you to see
And now you process
To fix
I process
To destroy
As tears stream
And awkwardness abounds
And we move into
Territory that is
Unwanted
Unfamiliar
And I'm so much
Less happy
Then I was
Before because
I can't convey
All these things
Cramping my fingers
Flooding my brain
Becoming unreadable scribbles
On advent devotions
You have left
And I'm still here
The air is heavy
My tears are hot
As I
Fear for the known
Hope for the unknown
Continue reading...
692 · Dec 2011
texts past midnight
Lydia Samantha Dec 2011
texts past midnight
Nights nights nights
The soft vibration of my phone on my pillow
Wakes me from a fitful sleep.
This is not the first time
This is not the last time
Time time time
Seconds between each text
Stretch on like hours
Getting bits of faltered sleep
in between each one.
A sleepy smile stretches across my face
Each text sharing a small piece of life
Becoming less and less coherent
As time moves forward
So slow
So fast
Every night
Like clockwork
That soft vibration
The light of the screen


and he's texting me again.
Continue reading...
662 · Nov 2011
Artist's Frustrations
Lydia Samantha Nov 2011
Artist's Frustrations
As I lift the lid the smell permeates my nose.
Almost like dirt.
But not really.
I dig my fingers into the soft cool clay
It feels a little dry.
I run a little cold water over it and work it in my hands
Particles of light brown stick to my hands,
Slowly,
Turning white.
I begin to fashion a flower.
Not of any discernible name,
But clearly,
A flower.
I roll the center out
And slowly roll it back up.
I begin to fashion each individual petal
Carefully shaped
Carefully carefully
Placed
Each delicate petal arranged around the center
My fingers leave tiny fingerprints
Every petal
Every curve
I wish I could make something else.
I wish that I with a soft nudge I could create
Something
Anything
Anything except these stupid flowers
I want to create things
Not flowers.
Things.
Continue reading...
640 · Jan 2014
2 Weeks, 2 Days
Lydia Samantha Jan 2014
2 Weeks, 2 Days
Thoughts
The destructive kind
Invade
Attack
Destroy
All semblance of sanity inside my head
Excuses
Seem ludicrous
Unacceptable
Thoughts tell me
It’s all my fault
I’m too much
Too handle
Too emotional
That I’m not worth it
Agonizing
Because I know it’s not true
2 weeks is nothing
2 days is so long
Black blank screen
Annoying
I just want it to ******* vibrate already
I want my phone to light up with his name
Saying anything
A response
A dismissal
Anything
I just want to know.
I want to know whether I should
Keep hoping
Texting
Worrying
Thinking
Or stop
Caring
Investing
Start getting over him.
Because I hate this waiting period
Where I’m torn between logical reasons
And extravagant excuses
I want to know if I should blame myself
Or him
Or anyone for that matter
2 weeks is nothing
2 days is so long.
Recently Discovered
Written
26 December 2011
Continue reading...
629 · Apr 2012
Never Again
Lydia Samantha Apr 2012
Never Again
God and it hit me like a ton of bricks
Right in my face
As soon as I saw the missed call
He's gone
The call back lasted 30 seconds.
They're pulling out now
I managed to get a strangled
"it's okay, i understand, okay"
I could feel the wave coming
Within minutes of the end of the call
Uncontrollable sobs wrack my body
coming in waves upon wave
i shake and I cry
i an't breathe
i can't see
just gasps upon gasps
of hot wet tears
and all i can think of
is never again
I will never see him again
Sure we can talk visits
Sure we an talk over facebook
but even that will eventually fade
And I can't help but wonder
why the **** am I taking this so hard?
After everything he put me through
after everything he's done
why the **** am I curled up
Shaking
sweating
hot tears flooding out of my eyes
Gasping for breath
I've gone through this a million times with other people
I've gone over this moment in my head
And I always knew it would be forever
But the thought of Never
Takes my breath away
Continue reading...
624 · Feb 2014
Third Identity
Lydia Samantha Feb 2014
Third Identity
What makes a life worth living?
I've asked myself since that
day
unnamed
squashed
into a box
in the back of my head
What give you a right to be here
the voices
all echo
as the videos
play
repeat
bright
scenes
flashing
scarring
playing
on the back
of my eyelids
scenes of a three year old
thrown
beaten
stomped
rejected
abused
a four year old
neglected
beaten
ignored
a five year old
change of identity
facing issues
some go their whole lives without seeing
five years old
new mom
dad
family
name
hope
a six year old
loved
encouraged
touched
you heard me
touched
and not the kind of touch that
is
acceptable
okay
allowed
do no tell
he said
or you will get it
I never knew what he meant by get it
until I told and he made me
do more
see more
feel more
Does this make you uncomfortable?
These words flowing from my pen
to my mouth
These are the scenes
Reverberating in my skull
and the skulls of others like me
These
Are
The
Demons
I
Live
With
6 years
7 years
8 years
Ages one would look back on
and remember the good times
I look at the pictures
see all the smiles
I see behind them
they mean nothing to me
9 years old
I have spoken
My brother is gone
and I feel more
alone
rejected
destroyed
from
the
inside
out
And for the next few years
I knew of no
person
power
or anything
Nothing that could make me
feel
understand
accept
worthiness
love
hope
dreams
These are all foreign concepts.
Have you lived without these?
Without
hope
love
dreams
Neither have I.
For I caught a glimpse
I chose to die instead of living that shell.
And as those pills
screamed
yelled
taunted
insulted
My
Very
Existence
As I struggled to swallow
He reached into my heart
and He said to me
Child? You spit that out
And you tell me
Why?
Why is your faith so fake?
And I did.
And with those pills
I spit fire
Into the face of God
As I lamented my very
Existence
And He sat there
As the words piled
into
Mountains
As tall and vast
As oceans are deep
And he sat there
Silent
As I rained
Tears
And opened wounds
And as my breath
Heaved
As these mountains
Stood between us
I turned from him
And let him look at what
I lived with
A mustard seed of faith
Will move mountains they say
But what if faith created those mountains I ask?
Faith in a mother
Who stomped on me
Faith in father
Who rejected me
Faith in a family
Who neglected me
Faith in a brother
Who touched me
Child
He said as I cringed
I do not like this word and the memories it holds
Child
He repeats
The word floating from his lips.
What will you do to make me believe?
I ask as He begins to shake his head
Sadly he states
Child, I cannot MAKE you believe
He is everything and nothing in this moment
He is sad
He is powerful
He is perfect
He is loving
He is gentle
He is caring
He is untainted
He is loving
He is important
And he is here with me
imperfect
broken
rejected
And the words are at the tip of my tongue
And everything in me want to stop them
But I ignore the warnings
Rain down and destroy
Rain down and destroy
Rain down and destroy
ME
I whisper quietly
the
grave
severity
of my words
hangs heavy
in the air
as he nods
and with an unmatched force
the mountains erupt into volcanoes
and I am set free from what lies between us
With each
loving word
affirming embrace
the mountains
are crumbling
the power of words
diminished
And I come alive in the light of HIS grace
As a part of me dies
so He may
Give
Me
Life
Sometimes to stay alive
You've got to ****
All semblance
Of your reality
And look only to His
I died when I was 14
And I've died every day since then
As I wake up each morning
and
**** the part of me that deems me
unworthy
unnecessary
The part that tells me
I am not good enough
Pretty enough
Talented enough
To be loved
Because I know He loves
ME
And I am free
From the hurt
From the pain
From the guilt
From the burden
For so long
My questions are answered
My everything is His
and regardless of
hurt
heartbreak
rejection
loss
of the past
present
future
I have found the one my soul love.
He is my beloved
I am His.
I belong to Him
He has given me this
3rd identity
rooted
in Him
and His love
and this smile on my face will
NOT
be erased
And this love in my heart
will not be
diminished
Even though
I freely give
I have come alive in His Light
And if you think
I
Am
Too
Bright
Cover your eyes
Because I will not be
extinguished
Rather I will set
the world ablaze
with the fire I spit
in His face
That he made new
and poured
back
into
me.
I have been broken.
I have been beaten.
I have been rejected
I have been abandoned
But
I
Am
Light
I am hope
I am love
I am full of dreams
The way He intended me to be
What makes a life worth living?
The question remains in the back of heads
Across nations
Across worlds
Across histories
And the answer lies in an identity given to me by
The King of Kings
The King of Glory
The God of Creation
The God of the Israelites
The Father of the Most High
The Alpha
The Omega
Beginning
End
I call him father
I call him friend
I call him savior
And his name is
*Jesus Christ
Continue reading...
615 · Aug 2011
I'm the Great Pretender
Lydia Samantha Aug 2011
I'm the Great Pretender
I like to pretend
That I'm over you
That I don't still think about what
We could've been
If I hadn't ******* things up.
I like to pretend
That you never left me
For good
That you're always coming back
But you're never coming back.
I like to pretend
That you never hurt me.
That emotional pain
I pretend
I never felt in my heart.
Burning
Burning
Burning.
I pretend
When I tell everyone that I'm over you
But I still think about you
Everyday
Every week
All the time.
And I long for what we could have been
Even though I don't know what that is.
And try as I might to
Change it,
Ignore it,
The fact remains
That what we had
Was destroyed by me.
And what you did
Hurt me.
And I am not done.
Feeling this hurt
This betrayal
This,
Everything
Bottled up inside.
Rather than explain
Why I can't
Look at your picture
Hear your name
Read your poems
I pretend.
And they seem okay with that
But I know that you
Would see right through that
You
The only person
That can tell
When
I'm pretending.
Continue reading...
604 · Aug 2011
Suicide Regrets Can't Bring Me Down
Lydia Samantha Aug 2011
Suicide Regrets Can't Bring Me Down
Words
Cloud my mind
But silence pours out
On this page
Emotions
Turn the contents of my stomach
Forming in the back of my throat
I want everything to go right
But everything is wrong.
Head in the oven
Head in the oven
I’ve got my own methods
I’m writing you letters
I’m writing down words
That somehow will tell you
Everything
That I haven’t already said
Out loud, spat at your face
I wish those words would
Crawl back into my mouth
But I don’t regret them.
Presentation
That’s what I regret
I don’t know why I write to you
You’re a critic
Journal poetry
Don’t let it rhyme
All this is
Writing thoughts
Hitting enter
New line
New line
Emotion in every word
What I feel
It’s alright.
I’ll be okay
Don’t worry about me
I’m big girl, sir
Continue reading...
593 · Sep 2014
Flicker
Lydia Samantha Sep 2014
Flicker
Hope is a terrible, awful thing to have someone give you.
Hope has this magnificent power to take you so high without any concrete foundation.
To make you see so far
With so little light.
You took my vulnerability.
The feelings I had for you.
Everyone else ran away.
But you stayed.
You didn't just stay.
You lit the tiniest flame of hope that you might return those feelings.
And in a room
As dark
As desperate
As mine.
It lit up every corner.
And I found that as
scary
as that room looked
All lit up
I kind of
Liked
Being able to see everything.
But the flame wasn't attached to a candle
Or a lantern
Or anything like that.
It was a tiny
Little match
Held in between
My fingers.
I asked you if we could light a candle
So I could drop the match.
It wasn't a great candle.
Simply wax.
But it had a wick that would have prevented me from burning
My fingers.
I figured after I lit the candle we could find something better
Brighter
Nicer
To light later.
To help us find a better way of carrying that flame.
You took a look at the candle and said the candle had a lot of things you wanted a candle to have.
But.
You weren't planning on lighting any candles.
Suddenly that bright little flame
That had lit up the entire room
Looked a lot smaller
It wasn't really all that bright.
As the flame got
Closer and
Closer
To my fingers
It got
Smaller and
Smaller and
Smaller and
I should have dropped it.
But I let it burn my fingers
And the saddest part is
I  was legitimately
Content
In my dark little room.
I didn't need you to come in with a flame
You weren't willing to let burn
On its own.
Light has a nasty
Little habit
Of lighting up a dark room and leaving the room a **** ton darker
In its absence.
I'd rather my room had stayed
Exactly
The
Way
It
Was
Than to get a look at all the corners
And end
With burned fingers
In
A
Vastly
Darker
Room.
#fire #hope #loss #relationships #burn
Continue reading...
588 · Aug 2011
I Am More
Lydia Samantha Aug 2011
I Am More
I’m shutting this down
I’m closing it up
This book that I’ve written
This chapter I’ve read
I’m burning it to pieces
And I couldn’t be happier.
This is the end of the same old same old
Different doesn’t exist anymore
I don’t think it ever did.
I’m tearing this down
I’m ripping it up
This picture of you
And me in my head.
Look what you’ve done
I’m writing freakin poetry
Nonsense of words
That string together
And people praise it.
My eyes hurt
I rub them
And we call it poetry
And this is what you
Want to write?
Write Write!
God please write.
It’ll make you happy
Oh but wait,
Happiness is an emotion
You don’t feel those.
Sorry dude
You’re straight out of luck
I guess you’re stuck.
Oh wait?
I’m sorry
Did that just rhyme?
I’m walking right past you
I’m ignoring you straight
Because I’m worth more than
Anything you could ever give me.
And I think I’m okay with that.
Continue reading...
568 · Aug 2011
When all feels lost and the pain is too much. . .
Lydia Samantha Aug 2011
When all feels lost and the pain is too much. . .
Chill out and trust Him.
5 little words
That have so much power.
Power to bring peace,
When peace is what I'm missing.
Patience,
When I lack it.
And sleep,
When the weariness
Overcomes me.
Chill out
Calm down
Let it go
Trust Him
To take it
To use it
Peace, Patience, Sleep
Weariness overcomes me
But You life me up.
Trust Him.
Continue reading...
536 · Aug 2011
40 hours a week
Lydia Samantha Aug 2011
40 hours a week
HelloPoetryTwitterTumblrYahooMicrosoftOutlookNetflixWikipediaIWUW­ildcatDataConnectBlackboardPatriotsPottermore.
Life.
Confined to bookmarks
On a
Chrome Browser.
Pathetic
The time I've wasted.
Get up!
Get up!
Get outside.
Without the computerphonezune.
Walk
Run
Read
Breathe
The air, it's sweet out there.
Stuck in a cubicle
Sunshine doesn't exist anymore.
ScanScanScanScan
Blueprint after blueprint.
The fine blue lines creeping into my skull
Show up in my dreams
Ink stains my fingers.
Blue Blue Blue
I want to see the sky again.
Continue reading...
527 · Apr 2012
Futile Regret
Lydia Samantha Apr 2012
Futile Regret
If I could do it over
I wouldn't have written that letter
If I could do it over
I would have waited until you finally missed me
But, baby, this world is not a world of do-overs
And I'm not one to usually regret
But when I see your face
And it comes crashing down
I'd rather face the impossible
Than deal with all this heartache
Continue reading...
523 · Oct 2011
I keep saying goodbye, but this time I think I'm done
Lydia Samantha Oct 2011
I keep saying goodbye, but this time I think I'm done
You're face is unfamiliar to me.
I can't remember your eyes
I can't remember your voice
or your laugh.
I only have to forget your smile
And it will be just like
You never existed.
Continue reading...
468 · Sep 2011
|help|
Lydia Samantha Sep 2011
|help|
It starts slowly.

Looking at you

But it’s not even you.

It’s a projection that you put on

For the world.

In the background:

I’m up in the woods, I’m down on my mind

I’m building a sill to slow down the time.

And overwhelmingly.

I miss you.

I know this, because the first one wells up.

It slowly wells up and I forbid it to fall.

It doesn’t fall.

What the hell?

I let it fall.

And it falls slowly.

Out of my eye

down my cheek.

Before i can track it

further.

more come.

like soldiers

at the yell of charge

they flood out of my eyes

i give a quiet yell

because i don’t want to feel this

You don’t deserve

to keep coming to my mind

i’m better than this.

Just as quickly as it starts

It stops.

Longing replaced with frustration.

God, I miss him.

Please help me stop.
Song lyrics from the song Woods, by Bon Iver
Continue reading...
446 · Dec 2011
Again, not the first, not the last
Lydia Samantha Dec 2011
Again, not the first, not the last
it's that moment
when it's so much longer than a moment
when seconds stretch into hours
hours into days
and all i can think about is this
one person.
Continue reading...
440 · Aug 2011
Dreaming Sleepless and Alone
Lydia Samantha Aug 2011
Dreaming Sleepless and Alone
i've been dreaming these dreams
and you're there
with your arms wrapped around me
the catch?
you are not there
don't exist
i think i've made you up inside my head
a line
stolen
like my thoughts of you
and i've been sleeping this way
years and years
it's second nature
and now
i just can't do it
i can't pretend
that you could love me
the way i pretend
i do.
So here I am
Alone
in my head
and as i sleep
But I've only ever
ever
ever
been alone.
Continue reading...
421 · Aug 2011
To Nicholas
Lydia Samantha Aug 2011
To Nicholas
We
Lost
You
Today.
Our selfish
Human emotions
Can't fathom
What our lives
Will be like without you.
But we know where you are
And we will not forget you.
Continue reading...
401 · Apr 2013
An Open Letter to Fall Out Boy.
Lydia Samantha Apr 2013
An Open Letter to Fall Out Boy.
You did what I did. You took a break. You came back. You came back the same, but different. You had to come back different, but at the same time you had to pay homage to your roots. You can never forget where you started. And as I sat there listening to Save Rock and Roll I thought back to where I was almost exactly 8 years ago (7 years, 11 months) I am changed. I am not the same lost little girl that I was when I first heard your music. I have changed. I have discovered who I am, but I have not forgotten where I come from. Save Rock and Roll. That song. It’s a reminder of the beginning and everything that had to happen to get right here. Right now.

http://theresalightout.tumblr.com/post/48184748708/an-open-letter-to-fall-out-boy
Continue reading...
386 · Dec 2011
Life
Lydia Samantha Dec 2011
Life
conflicted
Continue reading...
341 · Mar 2012
How Many Times?
Lydia Samantha Mar 2012
How Many Times?
When I wake up
I remember the dreams
I like to pretend in them
That you come back to me
Changed for the better
And yet still the one that I fell for
"The curse of imagination is picturing the world at it should be."
And you should be with me.
Continue reading...

— The End —