She isn't mine anymore
Isn't mine to have

I am a bottomless ocean
Keep digging in
See what uncharted breadths I hold
I’m a new species of lonely
A new species of tired
I’m a new species of run down

I’m a brand new car with 300,000 miles on it
A newborn child that doesn’t scream when it cries
A kitten that doesn’t play with string

I’m a pretty broken thing

You could do
Whatever you wanted to me.
And I'd still come back.

She is coming tomorrow,
In her brand new car.
I'm nervous.
What if I look at her
And her big blue eyes
And long eyelashes
And smile
And the way she walks
And what if I cry
Because I realize
None of that is mine
What if when I look at her
All I see is death;
Our love,
Our forever.

Its okay if you cant be with me, I understand.
I'm still in love with her.
In fact, sometimes I wish you were her.
so its okay, I get it.

It's hard to smile
Sit still and be quiet
When all you want to do
Is throw your phone across
The room
Let it break into a million pieces
And have the person you love
Hold you
And whisper "I'm sorry"

It's been a long time since me and mykayla have been together. Been even longer since we could say "forever".

I cannot cry twice in a day
Over a relationship
That ended seven months ago
But here I am
Wiping away the tears
Terrified that next month
Was suppose to be
Our 2 year.
And we won't spend it together.

In the arms of your memory
You carry me
Up in the big white clouds
Reality has lost its grip on me.

I want to gut myself out
Like a goddamm fish
And write her name on my
Chest in my own blood
So everyone would know
Why I did it

Can’t catch a break or my breath
I’m going to die from all this stress

I’m so starved for conversation
For a friend
I just really want a friend
I just need one
Just somebody who likes to be around me
And we can talk for hours or sit in silence
And still have fun
We could gossip and do each other’s makeup
And I could let them cry on my shoulder
And I could cry on theirs
And they would listen, really listen to me
And understand me

I am alone
I have no friends
Not even one
Nobody likes to be around me,
Or talk to me or even be in the same room as me.
I’m no fun.
I can’t gossip because I have no friends
And my shoulder is hard to cry on
And I cry too much for theirs
My problems are minuscule,
Nobody could empathize with me.

Today my once best friend
Asked me to take a picture
Of her and her friends.
I didn't.
Today I went shopping
And into the dressing room--
Not one out of 10 items fit.
Size twelve?
TWELVE????
No. That can't be. Not me.
But then again, I never thought
My best friend would shun me like that.

My head exploded
Last night.
Now it is empty.
My brain is asleep.
My heart is numb.
My morals are taking
The back seat,
And seeing what
I'll become.

I wake up with
Last nights ghosts behind my eyes
Look around the room
And all I see is gray

I guess the best way to describe what I’m feeling is I’m in a crowd and we are all running but I keep falling down they step right over me panicked I’m panicking I feel their weight I can’t get up Im up I’m up I’m running again I’m getting away then I get shoved and ****** im back on the ground and it hurts worse every time it’s harder to get back up every time dejected when I fall and weaker when I get up

I wonder when I will finally just stay down
Give up the fight
Close my eyes

And they move on
Leaving you sitting there
Thinking to yourself
*what did I do wrong?

I don't think either of us can do this anymore
I don't think it's healthy
Or okay
To be with eachother at morning
And someone else during the day

I could stick a blade
In my arm
And drag it across my skin
And not feel a thing

I want the apple,
I want the snake.
I want my fruitful bite to take.

I want to swallow,
Naked and unashamed.

The juice dribbling down my chin,
Defiance has always been my biggest sin.

Best friends don't
Date each others
Past loves.

And she barely even looks at me
This girl I'm in love with
Walks right by me and into
Her new lovers arms

God,
I don't even know if I can
Say I love you anymore.
I think if I do,
It will come out
As an unsure question.
I used to say it all the time.
All the ******* time.

Today makes it 3 months
For me and him
But I'm crying cause that means
It's 2 months for
Her and her

My arms tell a story nobody likes to hear

He holds my hand
He kisses me soft
He takes me out
He loves me right

Why am I still in love with her?

I knew it the second two lines appeared
I knew it when I saw your heartbeat
I knew it when I felt you move inside me
When I gave birth to you
When I held you

That my heart grew three sizes too big for you
And it broke for me

For the me that stayed up too late
Drinking and talking and making love
For the me that got up early
To watch the sunrise make coffee
Read a book in the quiet peace
For going on spontaneous road trips
And making ****** art with my friends

I miss my friends
I miss going on midnight swims
Camping in the middle of nowhere
Smoking a guilty cigarette
Staying up so late it’s early

I am no longer young and wild and free

I am her mother

She needs me

Thank you for
Curing me of my
Stupid obsession
With love.

What's wrong?
What's wrong oh god whats wrong everything is wrong
Nothing is right
Unless I'm being held by someone
I cry for you
My souls reaches to you

I want to run away
Back into the seventh grade
I want to lay my head on my mothers lap
And feel her comb her fingers through my hair

I want to go there
To that moment we became friends
That bond we thought could never end
Our youth spent on wanting to grow up

I want to feel complete again
I fear that was the last time I ever did
Time is my worst enemy
I cannot seem to stop it
From forgetting to pick me up,
And move me along with it.

Growing up I thought love was
Stolen kisses, heart racing
Butterflies.
It was falling so hard
And hitting the ground each time they said goodbye.

Maybe love is just consistency
And infatuation is erratic—
Like your heartbeat when
You’re around them.
The silence when they leave is so loud.
I wish I learned how to drown it out.

Now I know that love is
Slow, deliberate kisses.
Slow, deliberate *******.
His hands wrapped around my back
So tightly I am enveloped in him.
It’s waking up next to the same person for years.
It’s crying into their shoulder
And them crying into yours.
It’s them whispering when they’re mad,
Never calling you names.
Even when you hurt them.
Even when you deserve it.

I love our comfortable silence now,
I never have to be anybody but me.
He loves me.

I am sitting alone in my bedroom.
I just got off work.
My boyfriend is still gone.
Nobody is home.
In this infinitely finite pocket of time,
It almost feels as if I do not exist.

The bedroom door is closed,
I picture space and nothingness beyond it.
It surrounds my room,
It creeps in my head.
This cage of loneliness does not leave.

I know right now,
Nobody is thinking of me.
Nobody is wishing they were next to me.
If I were to just disappear,
Nobody would notice.
That is freeing, and terrifying.

Consciousness is a cage
I do not wish to live in anymore

I get my daughter ready for bed.
I change her diaper,
Put her in a fuzzy and warm sleeper,
Brush her teeth while singing her the ABC’s.
I let her pick out her bedtime story,
Her favorite?
Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?
She excitedly points out the animals’
Eyes, tail, fur, or wings.
I kiss her goodnight.
I tuck her in tight.

I try to imagine being you,
But I cannot for too long.
A mother just like me,
Living in Palestine.
Your own mother long gone,
Wearing her old house-key around your neck.
Your own child in your arms,
As you rock and rock
Such a small body that doesn’t breathe.
I try to imagine saying goodnight
For the last time.

I do not know your name,
But I do know you.
I can feel you.
Your pain. Your anguish. Your rage.
Your want to ruin the world
For letting this happen.

I too wish I could ruin the world for you.

Caught between wanting to run away
Wanting to stay
Terrified that either choice will leave me
Unfulfilled;
Wishing I had chosen the other.

I feel as if my life is a dream
Like I’m not really living it, really.
Maybe I’m watching it from afar,
Is this consciousness all there is to me?

The time to choose is slipping through my hands
Passing with birthdays and promotions
Anniversaries and holidays
Marking one more year
But one more year to what?

What is MY story??
What is MY existence?
More importantly,
What does my existence mean to me?
What do I want out of it?

For so long I had wanted to **** myself, but I didn’t.
Maybe I wanted to **** myself because I knew how sad my life would be.
Maybe I now know the choices I need to make because of that statement.

I did not realize that it was a gene

Passed down from your mother to you, then to me.


Isolation in the form of small fingers wrapped

Around my own,

Stuck inside these four walls

Tiny shrill screams inside a tiny home.


A piece of advice,

Passed down from your mother to you, then to me,

'You should get a TV, it can be good company’

Who knew that for us
"forever and ever"
Was only a year and a half.