How do I protect you from all the men?
The men that will stare at you until your skin itches,
The ones I will unknowingly introduce you to,
The ones that take advantage of your innocence
Until you are stripped of it.
My beautiful baby daughter,
I want you to stay this small
Where you don’t know you are a woman at all.

Can’t you feel it?
The slow yawn of time
Snapping it’s mouth shut.
Time
Chewed me up.
Spit me out.
Flesh, sinew, bones and hair.

Please, take me away from here.
I just need to get through this day,
This week,
This month,
This year.
I don’t know what I’m getting through.
What I’m going towards.

My heart beats a death march drum,
My fingers scrolling through a death feed.

Distract me.
I want to close my eyes and rest.
I never seem to wake up refreshed.

What do you want to do to me?
Grab my arm
Watch the skin turn red under your white fingertips
Kiss me, mark me, hate me, love me.
Every word you won’t say is written on my face.
I am your mirror.
Don’t look away.

I press my lips to yours
A caress; soft, gentle, malleable.
I am malleable.  
Pick me up, please,
Pick me, shape me, mould me
Tear me apart with your big strong hands.
The caress turning into a sting,
I feel relief when you hurt me so sweetly.

I knew it the second two lines appeared
I knew it when I saw your heartbeat
I knew it when I felt you move inside me
When I gave birth to you
When I held you

That my heart grew three sizes too big for you
And it broke for me

For the me that stayed up too late
Drinking and talking and making love
For the me that got up early
To watch the sunrise make coffee
Read a book in the quiet peace
For going on spontaneous road trips
And making ****** art with my friends

I miss my friends
I miss going on midnight swims
Camping in the middle of nowhere
Smoking a guilty cigarette
Staying up so late it’s early

I am no longer young and wild and free

I am her mother

She needs me

Growing up I thought love was
Stolen kisses, heart racing
Butterflies.
It was falling so hard
And hitting the ground each time they said goodbye.

Maybe love is just consistency
And infatuation is erratic—
Like your heartbeat when
You’re around them.
The silence when they leave is so loud.
I wish I learned how to drown it out.

Now I know that love is
Slow, deliberate kisses.
Slow, deliberate *******.
His hands wrapped around my back
So tightly I am enveloped in him.
It’s waking up next to the same person for years.
It’s crying into their shoulder
And them crying into yours.
It’s them whispering when they’re mad,
Never calling you names.
Even when you hurt them.
Even when you deserve it.

I love our comfortable silence now,
I never have to be anybody but me.
He loves me.

Caught between wanting to run away
Wanting to stay
Terrified that either choice will leave me
Unfulfilled;
Wishing I had chosen the other.

I feel as if my life is a dream
Like I’m not really living it, really.
Maybe I’m watching it from afar,
Is this consciousness all there is to me?

The time to choose is slipping through my hands
Passing with birthdays and promotions
Anniversaries and holidays
Marking one more year
But one more year to what?

What is MY story??
What is MY existence?
More importantly,
What does my existence mean to me?
What do I want out of it?

For so long I had wanted to **** myself, but I didn’t.
Maybe I wanted to **** myself because I knew how sad my life would be.
Maybe I now know the choices I need to make because of that statement.