I once knew a girl
who's worries only wandered
through fields of flowers
who's life was a bubble of happiness
that was indestructible
who's hero; her father

You are my father, you sat next to
me in the field and kissed
my cheek, you pushed me on the
wooden swing set
but then you ran away

I once knew a girl
who's worries turned into boys
and she became more concerned...
or more so obsessed with how much she weighed.
You could see her happiness slipping away.

You are my father
I damage myself to impress you.
Don't you see? Do you care?
I am your slave, tell me what to do.
I'll do anything.
Your opinion is the only one that matters.

I know a girl. She's lost. No longer is she
the girl who skipped though
fields of flowers.
No longer is she hopeful.
No longer is she happy.

You are my father.
You left me.
You left my family.
You were my hero.

I used to dream of a love like
yours and moms.

You destroyed me from
the inside out.
You were a man, a husband, a girls hero -

but not any longer.

my days are dull and i am sad,
oh how i needed you just a tad,
i feel empty and completely crushed,
my feelings for you were maybe rushed,
sorry to say it didn't work out,
i need to let go and no longer pout,
because with you in the end,
ill be crashing around the bend

do you know
i fall asleep
with my hands
touching
together

but I notice the difference
as yours Are tougher
bigger
rougher
but i've never had the pleasure

of falling asleep with
your hands
though ive slept
cocooned
in your scent

do you know
i've never been very good
at confessions

i confess
i could draw
freehand
the shape of your lips
from Memory

(i could show you
      where they curve
       and bend
       and they look like
       the perfect destinatIon
       for my life to end
  killing myself,
        to die upon a kiss
       
        to die upon 
        your kiss
        i'm killing myself
       by even thinking this)

i confess
i could shade
the exact ways
your hair falls
dowN
by your face

(i could explain
    the smelL of your hair
    after a long day at work
    it feels thicker
    as it resists against
my hands
      
     you dO that too
     do you know)

i confess
i could describe
the wonders
in
your eyes
of
your eyes
so accurately
they would be seen
by the blind

(i'd rather not tell you
       how i feel
       when you catch me
staring
       but i just
                       can't
         help myself
i neVer want to miss
       a single blink
a wink
       no time to think)

i confess
words,
the words,
keEp
running
sprinting
dancing
prancing
in my mind
but i cannot find
an acceptable order
to confess them in



love in you i am with



one two three four five six


and, oh father,
there is no need to confess
for We have not sinned

he would not look
upon me
if i was the last to exIst
he merely
glances over to me
now and then

and, oh father,
you know
how i desire
These
tormenting
words
to go

he could barely tell you
the colour of my Hair
i could tell you
the colour of his
when he was five

milky way kid

do You know
me
am i
just a girl
who falls asleep
alone
in the backseat
Of the car

that old red polo
is not so appealing
anymore

and, love,
i confess
or
these words will die
on the lips
yoU leave
unkissed

i am in...

*i cant

and there were the flowers that hung above us
outside the cafeteria, the quad. There was the
first warm day of the year and the walk we took,
and there was the wind. There was the month in
winter when we did nothing but talk; there was
the rain, then summer, then the falling leaves.
There was the trip to San Diego, the trip to
Germany and Austria, there was the cabin

and there was the night in August when
I decided I could not sleep so instead I wrote.
There was a moment I remember when I began
to feel that I was nothing but my memories,
and there was the morning we went to breakfast
instead of going to class. There were the nights
when I had panic attacks and you would come
and talk and I would feel better

and there was orchestra, there were the notes
written back and forth. There were the chords
we learned and put to good use, the needless
trips to stores, every item I own is a Symbol
of a memory I can not live again. There was
the grass and music playing off in the distance,
there are the goodbyes too painful but always
in my mind, the hours devoted to practicing.

There were eighteen years and then there was this.

and after you there was another friend
but her hair was not brown but blonde instead.
And after my first there was no one for a while,
but I’m sure there will be another boy
with a swimmer’s build and that look in his eye.
And there will be another and another
until I die. And even if I’m surrounded by
you and all the ones I love and loved I
will be alone, truly surrounded by only my
memories. And I will remember that
there were the moments when I smiled

and there was hope, I am not just my
memories I hope I am not. There is water
and love, I can not end until I end.
I will be what is after this. And after
that I will be whatever that is. And after
and after until I end. And after