and there were the flowers that hung above us
outside the cafeteria, the quad. There was the
first warm day of the year and the walk we took,
and there was the wind. There was the month in
winter when we did nothing but talk; there was
the rain, then summer, then the falling leaves.
There was the trip to San Diego, the trip to
Germany and Austria, there was the cabin

and there was the night in August when
I decided I could not sleep so instead I wrote.
There was a moment I remember when I began
to feel that I was nothing but my memories,
and there was the morning we went to breakfast
instead of going to class. There were the nights
when I had panic attacks and you would come
and talk and I would feel better

and there was orchestra, there were the notes
written back and forth. There were the chords
we learned and put to good use, the needless
trips to stores, every item I own is a Symbol
of a memory I can not live again. There was
the grass and music playing off in the distance,
there are the goodbyes too painful but always
in my mind, the hours devoted to practicing.

There were eighteen years and then there was this.

and after you there was another friend
but her hair was not brown but blonde instead.
And after my first there was no one for a while,
but I’m sure there will be another boy
with a swimmer’s build and that look in his eye.
And there will be another and another
until I die. And even if I’m surrounded by
you and all the ones I love and loved I
will be alone, truly surrounded by only my
memories. And I will remember that
there were the moments when I smiled

and there was hope, I am not just my
memories I hope I am not. There is water
and love, I can not end until I end.
I will be what is after this. And after
that I will be whatever that is. And after
and after until I end. And after