the death of loved one is a strange thing, it's like one day, they're there, with you. and almost as if in a second, they're not. and the role time plays is even stranger,
because for the first few months and years you can remember every little thing about them.
you can hear their voice in your head, almost like they're sitting right beside you.
you can smell them, you can remember their face whenever you close your eyes.
but with time, when your heart slowly begins to heal, and when you begin to put yourself back together, and it suddenly hits you, and you begin to realise that they've faded away.
you realise that no matter how hard you try, you can't hear their voice anymore, no matter how hard you squeeze your eyes shut, you can't seem to see their face anymore.
it's quite amazing how time can make it seem as if that someone never existed, as if all the time you spent together was a weird twisted dream of some sort.
in some ways, time is brilliant.
time makes you heal, it slowly fills that hole in your chest.
but, in some ways, time is cruel.
it makes you forget, and when you can't remember that person anymore, it leaves you feeling confused and horrible.

jagged breathes and streaming tears
unsteady hands and scattered scars
you look up into the mirror
you see a reflection you don’t recognise
a stranger looks back at you
you notice the eyes
eyes that used to express so much before
now are dull
it is in that very moment
you know your soul is broken too  
the words are echoing again and again
on a loop
“you hurt him. you did this. you’ve never loved him”
your voice hoarse from fighting
telling the voices to stop
you do love him
you could never hurt him
not intentionally
you do care
the voices get louder
the pain gets harder to deal with
and then you look up once again
a stranger looks back at you
jagged breathes and streaming tears
unsteady hands and scattered scars

dear whoever is reading this,

i'm sorry if i have seem to cut you off or push you away, somewhere in my head, you gave me no other choice and it seemed like the best thing to do at that point.

i want to blame you for all the times you weren't there, for the birthdays you missed, for all the calls you missed and never bothered to call back, for all the times i needed a familiar voice to snap me back from my never ending nightmares.

i needed a friend to drag me back from my own personal hell, and to tell me that i'd be okay.

one thing  i've realized in my 21 years of existence is that everyone can play the blame game and point fingers, but that hasn't really got me anywhere.

so this is me, apologizing.  

for not being a better friend, for not being the person you wanted me to be, for not being there.

i'm sorry.

"I really like you", he said softly.

she stared at him with wide eyes, opening her mouth but no words coming out, suddenly finding the floor very interesting.*

"I was almost certain you felt the same way", he whispers.


Her eyes, now glossy look up at him, lips quivering a little. She took a deep breath and said, "I do".

Reaching out to cup her small face, he tilts it towards him and says, "then what are you so afraid of?".


"Me", she mumbles. Her eyes looking everywhere but him.

"What?", confusion laces his voice.

She gathers the courage from somewhere deep within and looks up at him.

"I'm afraid of myself. Of my mind, what it's capable of. Trust me when I say this, get out while you can. You don't want to associate yourself with someone like me. I ruin things".


He stared at her, a look of disbelief mixed with hurt flashing in his eyes.

"Why do you think that way? Think so lowly of yourself huh?".


" It's kind of hard not to", she whispered.

*"It's like everything I touch, dies. So, please I beg you, I care about you too much to see you crumble. Don't get into this".

I miss you
// 12:40 am //
message not sent

it's been six years, please come back.
// 2:00 am //
message not sent

the voices are getting louder and you're fading away.
// 4:00 am//
*message not sent