I need you to love me when I feel I can't be loved

it's a feeling I have but seldom from you

it's a comfort I want from you

I can usually deal with your absence
save for a few holes in the calendar where I can feel nothing except your absence

like today

Today you'd be 53

tell me what I need to hear

I'm smart enough to hear the distinct absence of sincerity except for that moment that you're surprised you're saying it yourself.

Don't call it pity, it's an understanding of a fundamental need.

I'm no longer blind to innate feelings.

Yet still, you can hear my songbird warble from behind the bell jar.

why does the caged canary sing? it's safer inside.

it has been so long since everything I've thought in my head I decided to act upon

those daydreams clouding at the math I'm supposed to be focusing on

cliche is as cliche does

all I wanted was a you plus a me, you being the variable and I'm sitting as a lonely one and after the equal sign there would be light and there would be love

yet why,

                  am I sitting here

                                      with the things I've wanted to hear laid before me

                        with no spark

             and no passion

                                       and all the power in the world.

maybe this is what I've wanted. It's foreign being this cruel with so little kindness. I need you to need me to the point that I no longer need you. But with you being the generator of the safety I suppose I need you still.  As long as you are concerned, and I couldn't be bothered I'll be happy.

This is not love, this is attention. A distinct difference I am aware of.

The issue is I don't care.

It's cruel, but baby so is this world. Let me live.

In a world where authenticity is strange, the revered are simply in tune with their individuality and the rest follow.

It isn't who you party with at night, but rather who can you sit in a comfortable silence with the next morning over coffee and hazy eyes and still find the strength and energy for a full belly laugh over some stupid insignificance

with the day dreams in my head
its hard to see what's true

I'm torn by expectations
I'm torn with what to do
when in reality all I want is you

when in reality this you is faceless
I want you to see the grit and love regardless
I want you to see the confusion and love without question
I want you to see my intentions and love with understanding

understand me.

find me. fix me. love me.

without regard, without question, with understanding

loved by many
understood by few

hopeless romantic
with a realist view

I can't help but let everything pour out, rise up out of my soul, leaving a bitter taste

of what I should have said
or maybe what I shouldn't have

a title is optional but a body is not, I'm thinking it would be easier if someone else had the control.


or someone at all

I don't like the feeling of a finger down my throat, but I dont know how else you keep the old demon away. Not so much a black hooded figure, but a girl with a high number and little control.

words that describe my moms life but more so my own

I dont have any cloth or a picture to base the end product on

I dont have justification or reasoning or understanding

So why

Why cant I live outside the idea I need a physical representation of what it is to be family if I know family is more than that

I know all of this

Discolored youth in a rose vignette nostalgia I can't help myself im only human

I'm going to need this pain to end
And its not the kind felt daily, which is the problem itself

Numb against wishing for numbness

I want the homeostasis of a life with two parents

I can't hold each piece of myself in both hands hoping to make something of it if I'm constantly tearing them apart

I need you and youre gone.
I needed you and you left.

The pieces I hold dont even reflect a full picture, you took those pieces with you.



the most important in some cases; my youth

I hate you but youre not here
I love you but youre not here

How can I feel so much for someone I can't touch
Someone whose touch I can't even remember

In fifth grade I wanted to play the saxophone because I didn't know what a trumpet looked like. But you weren't there for my first concert or to fix my mistake.

When people say I'm reminded of you the sun comes close to my face but I burn up. I feel the warmth before it destroys me and I remember you're not here and you won't be back.

i thought you were supposed to protect.
How can this much pain be explained with an "I did this because I love you"

if you love me so much give me an explanation.
why

why is this hole in my soul everpresent

im officially an art major with a poetry blog, wincing at the weight of cliche