The things I live for
Don't ******* happen enough
To live like this, yo

My mind is wrapped around
Getting to know you
But it's so hard
To climb your brick wall
Tip toeing
Not wanting to break anything
Hints tossed like a salad
But it's like juggling hot potatoes
I don't wanna ask the wrong questions
I don't wanna dig too deep
Too fast
I want you to trust me
But my mind is wrapped around
Getting to know you
Slowly waiting for the right timing
Impatient words linger and claw at my lips
Choking me but I hold them
Back for you
To freely express yourself willingly
My mind is wrapped around
Getting to know you
But I'm scared to always
Be the one
To text you first
So then days go by
With no words exchanged
And my mind swells with
Dead emotions
"I guess I'm not important"
"If she hasn't by now then she never will"
My mind is wrapped around
Getting to know you
But it's so hard
Why is it so hard
Should I keep trying
Or am I just an annoying ****
What's your mind wrapped around
What're you stuck on
I wish these things
Were the things
That we talked about
My mind is wrapped around
Getting to know you
And I'm just stuck
On what to do
It's almost like
I don't cross your mind at all
It's like you can't find the time
While I'm pushing
Everything
Out of my way
To make all the time
But it goes to waste
Through the cracks
Of your fingers
And it doesn't even matter to you

All I want right now
Is your fingers in my hair
And your lips on mine

The more I admit
The more I can over come
All of the problems

When I turn around
I want to be hit so hard
Enough to **** me

As I lay my head to rest
Dreams of you are high at best
Living rich inside my mind
Another girl I will not find
Fighting a battle of hope and lust
Soon my chest will surely bust
I want you back, it's clear to me
But first I have to let you free

If you find balance
Then let the value of life
Be all it can be

Oh
That laugh
Deep from your core
Uncontrollable outbursts
Fill up the corners of the room
Something truly real surrounding my head
Oh how I need something real
The way you lose yourself in the joy
The sound of happiness
Shuffles it's way through me
Chills run my bones
Nerves a bit queasy from something so new
My lips turn up with a grin
Something so strange is happening to me
What is this stifling emotion
It's weight on my lungs
I fight
And lose
Bubbling up my throat
A sound very similar
Laughter
A forgotten voice
A long lost ability
Contagious you are
Rubbing your filthy joyous self all over me
What is this preposterous habit
I run my hands down my arms
Wiping away this feeling
But
You girl... You.
What are you doing to me
Telepathically rearranging my neurons
With your leaky smiling eyes
And your mouth all open
Head thrown all around
How do you tweak my strings
Pulling my smile out from under the rubble
Warming my heart with those eyes
Burning red are my cheeks
It's like I've forgotten how to feel
And I'm coming to life again
Oh
That laugh

Is to lay my head upon your chest
I'll hold you like you're the best
Kiss you softly all over your skin
Go way down, let the fun begin
I'll run my fingers through your hair
And show you how much I care
Teasing, pleasing, breaking the shell
Please show me how you rebel
Bite me, fight me, hold me down
Explore my body all around
Throw me over on my back
Jump on top! Charge attack!
Win control, take the lead
Use aggression to succeed
Playfully tugging at each others clothes
Naked, positioned nose to nose
Your turns over, my turns now
Anxious to see what you'll allow
Wrists held tightly in my grip
Straddled, holding us hip to hip
Sweaty, hot, pillows and sheets
Breathing heavy, fast heartbeats
*******, *******, enjoying it all
Oh dear, you're such a doll
Screaming, moaning at the peek
Whispers follow with a fine critique
Slowing, showing satisfaction
Can't possibly get enough action
Gently peeling my body from yours
My lips still trace your contours
Salty but sweet, I'm addicted
**** and fine, s'what I predicted
***** with a mate to match
Ain't no better thing to catch

You can only fill
The cup up so far until
The tension breaks

I am trapped
With bleeding wrists
I'm my own prisoner
Cuffed deep down in the cold dark dungeon of my own soul
Impossible to break free
Why can't I see what other people see
A kind, gentle, and fun loving person
Because I'm the one behind the scenes
Controlling these puppet strings
With the help of ****** judgement
They're the crazy ones
Not me
I beat myself to death
And I believe that I deserve every ounce of it
I'm convinced that I'm a monster
I run my life by portraying illusions
Making people see what they want to see
But I am no magician
I hold no tricks up my sleeve
I try to make myself as fun and loving as I can
For the sake of others
But there's always someone that gets hurt
Which constantly hurts myself
I feel all these lies,
All these fake **** attitudes twisted up in my guts
And fault dances around my head
Taunting and cussing
Pointing its bullying finger at me
"You fake ****!"
Society always said that its better to be nice
And it's easier to be nice
But it's not
It's not at all
I've always thought that I was considerably nice enough
But my ego is what tells me that
And egos run purely on lies
I wish I was a kind and gentle being
But these scars don't scream gentle to me
I'm sunk below the surface
Drowning
Not even reaching for air anymore
The struggle is not worth it
Hurting people isn't what I want to do
But it's all that ever happens
So how am I not a monster?
I'm a monster full of lies
How can I be both kind and hurtful
One or the other
How doesn't anyone else see how awful I am
"Because you hide every ounce of honesty behind a thick brick wall"
You hide all your bad thoughts because your super ego says that they are morally wrong
So I filter it out and say things that are socially acceptable
The clean and nice version
And 20 years of this
Turned me into a freak who has no identification
I'm a blank screen
No real personality
A joke
I blame school
I blame my sexuality
I blame society
All school taught me was how to be fake
And how to only show emotions that are acceptable
It never taught me how to deal with the emotions that I can't handle
It conditioned me to hide everything that's wrong
Store it away and forget about it
Black it out and pretend to be this nice person who cares about others
Tuck your shirt in and stand up tall
But whispers from some deep far away place come knocking at my door
And remind me that everyone does see how ****** up you are
"Everyone ******* hates your guts! Remember?"
"You're a **** up and you deserve no happiness."
And I realize that I will never love myself
I will never respect myself
I will never attract anyone
I'm a loner who will remain alone forever
Because I'm a box full of trash and lies
I can't love a monster
How can I tell myself I love myself if I stay this way
I need to change something in order for that to happen
I can't be a monster
How the **** am I suppose to accept myself
How do I truly change
Be real
Be honest
And still be faithful
How do I break that conditioned habit
If I become honest
It'll be brutally honest
If I let myself free
How will I ever keep myself tame
Acceptance is the number one step
If I go around hurting people then how can I possibly accept that?
Or the way I go through each day ignoring everyone
Because I don't feel worthy enough to even meet someone else's eyes
I'm shy
I'm quiet
I have demons whispering into my ear
Telling me all these rotten ideas
Convincing me that I'm a coward and a **** up
And I straight up listen
And I hear "that no one wants you"
And I get so mad
But I believe every word
I can't block them out
And anger takes over and I dare someone to say something to me
Pick a fight
Throw a jab
"Come on!!!"
All so I can release these images of violence that are being fed to my nerves
But I'm afraid there's no safe way
There is no way to be myself
Because I simply don't know how
How do I filter myself without filtering myself too much
But I feel like it has to happen
I feel like I HAVE to let myself go
I have to start living
Maybe once I let go and get a feel for it
I'll swing into something that's real
Explore the options
Ill never know what will happen unless I do something about it
And I can not,
Will not,
Straight up refuse,
To be this fake person any longer
I'm done being pushed around
I'm done letting you control me
I've been controlled for too long and I think that's why I don't have a ******* clue who I am
I let people choose my words
I let people tell me what to do
But not anymore
No ******* more

Im done being nice
I am sorry but I can't
Do it anymore

I will use all of this ****** up **** to fuel me
..Push me
....Taunt me
Filter it into spoonfuls of motivation
Feel it's burning rush through my veins
Take it as it is and use the **** out of it
Drop kick the emotions and flush them out
Shove their faces underwater and drown them without looking back
Clouds flood the sky to cast shadows over everything
Winds pick up and swirl with great amounts of anger and frustration
Transformed and shaped into powerful perseverance
**** EVERYTHING
WHY SHOULD I CARE
I have what I have
I'll take what I can get
Things come and go
But **** everything
Nothing's ever good enough for anyone
That's what's wrong here
**** my silent violence
To hell with my broken heart
It's already broken and not getting fixed any time soon
Might as well **** around all over the place
**** those ******* who think they're the ****
**** traffic and those irritating ******* that make it such a hassel
**** those painful glares that stab like knives in my back
**** those ***** that judge and have problems with everything
**** those who don't know how to be patient and content
**** those who pretend to be your friends and then lie straight to your ******* face
And say all kinds of unproportional ******* about you behind your back
I see what I don't want to be
And it's in all these people
They **** me off with tremendous passion that ruins every ounce of my being
It builds up and builds up
Layer upon ******* layer
Anger on top of frustration on top of violence, irritation, disappointment and hatred
I take all of it
Bundle it all into one huge ball
Struggle to hold it all in
Red face turning purple
When I'm about to burst wide open
I strike a match and let it all burn
It burns down into this amount of nothing
This gooy sticky gunk that I can roll between my fingers
But I use it to pursue myself
I turn it into something else
Form it into a backbone and create determination
Persistent in working my mind
Training it to do this until it becomes a habit
Living within these people but completely separate
My mind is not like theirs
And I'll never let it be like theirs

To get to know me
And still be able to say
The things you say now

You took your boat and your paddle
And you set sail down the river of my veins
You took out your map and butterfly net
And you followed the lines to my heart
You disrupted the peace and the butterflies scattered
But you caught them all before they could go anywhere
You captured them and took them with you
Took them and yourself out of my heart
Once you got out
You let the creatures go
They fluttered up and around
But before they knew it
You cocked your gun
And shot them all dead
You murdered the wonderful creatures that give me a great feeling

Oh ******* **** **** ****!
Why does my luck ****?
I didn't even see it coming
Various thoughts keep on humming
Conscious tells me it's nothing good
But she basically told me that I could
And so I did what I did
And that was that
Right or wrong wrong wrong
It went on for long long long
But I found myself wanting more
Her boyfriend ended up on the floor
I need to wipe this smile off my lips
Oh my but oh those hips!
Stop! **** just stop stop stop
All these thoughts need to drop drop drop
Out of my head and out the door
Nothing like this ever happened before
I think about her like she's mine
But I'm pretty sure I'm at the end of the line
She'll never drop him for me
He's got the right equipment you see
But oh boy would I love her
Hold her, kiss her, touch her
But it's so wrong to think like that
I know this hope is running flat
It's only wishing from here on out
But my head is still filled with dreadful doubt

I cry my eyes out every chance I get
Sometimes I wish we had never met
Loving you is a battle within
****** levels running thin
I tear my body to ****** pieces
****** frustration steadily increases
Why the hell do I still care
No one else will ever compare
I've ****** everything to ****
Her love flickered and quit
And she's not the one to blame
It's me, I'm just not the same

Get the **** outta my head
Get up off my bed
Get out you hurtful chick
Quit being such a ****

What's so wrong about my love
*****, I will put you above
Give you every nickel and dime
Each moment made prime

But not if you treat me like ****
Come on, don't be dumb
Just imagine what we could become
Without you, I'm numb

You, darling, are my foundation
Fascination creation station
Here, I crumble at your feet
Broken, bleeding, incomplete

I fight the hope that's buried in me
I should let you go, set you free
But you swim around in my head
Like you own every thread

Pulling strings that shatter and snap
I've created my own trap
I'm stuck here loving you
But for her your heart grew

The picture changes before my eyes
Oh god I wish there wasn't lies
I want to wait
But **** this fate

So here we are
Not saying a word
I'm sorry I'm being
A big fat ****

I **** **** up
It's what I do
My heads on sideways
What's it to you?!

Your feelings got hurt?
***** to be you
******* *****
***** you too

One two ******* three!!
So soon I will be set free
So just simply let it be
Sailing, soothing on the sea
Dumb and happy
Numb but snappy
Pop the slip that takes you higher
To meet the Cat Mr. Shire
He'll **** with your every desire
Rules to his game are to conspire
Laughing, cracking, going nuts
Energizer bunny butts
Wider bigger pupil hole
Fall deep into the soul
Gulped, swallowed sunny D
Giddy gladdy goofy glee
What the **** happened to me
The best creation ever to be!

I wish I had someone to tuck me in at night
Someone to bring my heart into the light
A person that will hold me close
Even when my emotions are gross
A true love to die for
A passion so ****** pure
That it'll never leave my core
Stained deep unlike anything before

Spending too much time in the dark
Why can't I find the spark
******* around with my own head
Tricking myself, for then I bled
Down down down I go
And for this I've got nothing to show
But **** these meaningless scars
Replaced with what could've been ours
Trying just wasted my time
I ain't no ******* dime

But convincing me that I'm something good
Lead me to believe that I should
And so I did what I thought was right
But I didn't think you would bite
The bitter taste left on my tongue
The noose so tempting to be hung
But that road will never come
I need to find that happy that's dumb

A love so eager to find
Only comes from behind
It catches you off guard
Looking is too hard
The key is to not seek at all
It always starts with something small
Energy that pulls you in
You'll know by the stupid grin
It'll creep up on you with each thought
And it will happen a lot
That's when you know
That this is no foe

But waiting for this is rough
Cause you're brains full of stuff
Clutter that makes you crazy
Commotion that leaves you lazy
In the end you will get there
Just start each day with a daunting dare

I feel like I'm dying
And I won't do anything to save myself
I'm just going to lie here
And stare at the ceiling that's disappearing before me
I don't want to wake up
Oh please don't wake up

I deff thought we were
Because I love you so much
Maybe, maybe not

You'll never be proud
So I'll just keep on doing
The things I do best

Is it because you're scared
Am I scary?
Wasn't it you who admitted that you wanted to keep me in your life?
Wasn't it you who said we should've kissed at least once already?
Wasn't it that confession that made me think about you even more?
In greater detail?
Should I be sorry?
Cause I'm not
Are you?
You shouldn't be
But your actions reveal how little you care now
Where did all that heart go?
What are you afraid of
Oh!!!
You're scared of losing that person who ***** with your head
I see
It's a decision you have to make
And for some reason I feel like I've been lied to
Or at least I've been half truthed
Which is just as bad
I like the truth
Even if it hurts
It's a good pain
But you don't have to tell me
Even though I'd like to hear your voice
But I can see where your eyes are looking
I can feel where your heart is loving
And it's over there

From age 5 and beyond
We continuously develop and discover a personal definition of desire
Personalities are transformed into permanent fixtures
Which means we never change
And it's part of our structure to lie
Most of all, to ourselves
Consciously or unconsciously
When do we find the guts to portray our ugly flaws?
Why would we want to admit them?
Urges of the "id" that are considered socially unacceptable are simply suppressed deep down
But we all contain these pleasure seeking energies no matter what
(Right or wrong)
Curiousness is how we learn
It's in our nature
As little kids, a collection of ideals are gathered from our parents and from society and is stored internally
We hide from ourselves more than we know, or care to admit
Why do we conceal our libido?
Because our "id" functions soully on pleasure
It's probably the most honest part of our brain
It knows what it wants
But we feel guilty about most things
Whether we know why or haven't a clue
And have the tendency to deceive ourselves
The push we feel is our libido
Or the driving force behind our behaviors
Why we do something or why we don't do something is decided by our conscious
(Right or wrong doesn't have a thing to do with it)
Most of the thoughts that we think don't even sift through our conscious
They pass through our subconscious and unconscious
We don't even realize that it's happening
But primarily, our actions of the super ego are held down
And we hate facing them
And if we're weak and our knees buckle under the pressure
We'll twist the truth around to put fault on another
As humans, we are programmed to make ourselves look good
Give ourselves a good reputation
Believe that we have morals
The scary thing is
We don't control our brains
It controls us

Chattering teeth
Quivering bones
Splintering veins
Unconscious zones

In and out
Ghostly and pale
Pain and terror
Weak and frail

Spiraling,
Buckling down to the floor
Worrying,
Panicking about why I'm sore

This crucial sharp feeling deep down inside
Kicks the hot heavy tears from my eyes
I don't remember being pealed off the ground
But I appreciate you being around

Personally stripped of all my senses
Creating a fear so sensitively severe
Trembling hands that want to be held
Wishing desperately for you to come near

Splitting headache
Weary eyes
Drifting conscious
Hidden cries

Pillow's comfort
Seeking sleep
Choking sobs
Counting sheep

Scared to death for what's to come
What if I never wake
Thoughts filled with death and dying
This night I might not make

Sleeping sleeping sleeping forever
A dream that never ends
This has never occurred before
Scaring the **** out'v my friends

Scary thoughts
Problem'r listless
Perpetual possibilities
Scared shitless

Just so you know
I am a human being
And I endlessly search
My maze of a brain
For some kind of reason
What on earth I mean to you

I wasn't ready then
To be your best friend
My naive comfort zone was invaded
By your outrageous activities
For some cautious reason
I wasn't open to new ideas
Like I am now
I wish I was
Because now I keep wishing
That you were here today
To make me do crazy things with you
But I missed my chance

Life is all about sorting through endless puzzle pieces
Keeping the ones you find fit
And simply tossing the ones that don't belong
But sometimes it's not always that easy
We get confused and overwhelmed when too many pieces are being thrown at us at once
We might accidentally toss a good piece away not knowing so
Or when a piece doesn't fit
Sometimes we turn and angle it in just about every way possible
Until we finally discover that it just does not go there
And the previous pieces we had in place sometimes shift and become distorted with time
Which makes them change and no longer fit in the places they originally belonged
So life consists of a constant fluctuation between gain and loss
It's just the way it goes
If you can search deep enough and find those rare puzzle pieces that are permanent
Constant figures that don't change
Those are what can help you build the rest of your puzzle
But if you're constantly gaining and losing without any foundation
No permanent pieces
You might as well be running around in circles
But then again
There's not much else to do until you find that foundation you're looking for
Some people run in circles all their lives
Others are lucky and build complete masterpieces of their puzzles
But don't give up looking
Those pieces are out there
It's exhausting and you have to be determined
It's easy to lose yourself when you become so tired that you can't tell the good pieces from the bad
You might start building off the bad
Thinking that you're getting somewhere
And then one day you wake up and all those pieces are gone
And you're left with nothing
And have to start all over from scratch
That's when it gets to it's roughest point
But you have to keep building
Trial and error
You have to learn along the way
Get to know yourself
I know that sounds clichè
But it's true
A lot of people don't know who they are or what they want
If you're one of those people
Play around with a combination of pieces
Fit them together and see what you like
The worst thing you can do is lie to yourself
You'll never get anywhere that way
Lying means you're choosing all the wrong puzzles
Take what you like
Put it together
Be aggressive
Be you

Ask me why I don't like to drive
I will give you the easiest of all answers
It's because I have to put full trust in complete strangers that get behind the wheel of vehicles that have the ability to **** people if not used correctly
Half of the people are selfish idiots who don't give a flying ****
And I don't even like trusting people to begin with
Even people that I know very well
People that do give a ****

I have to trust that you'll stop at that big red stop sign as I'm cautiously pulling through the intersection
I have to trust that that red light there is going to retain your hurried monstrous being from crossing my path
I have to trust that all you rowdy strangers are actually driving with the correct licenses
If one at all
I hold my breath driving through town hoping that no one will floor it out of a parking lot to cut me off
Even when there are absolutely no other cars around
Making me slam on my brakes is easier for you than to wait for two seconds to let me pass
That'd be inevitable
It's like no one even sees me on the road
I'm as invisible as a ghost
Either that or the judgement is way off
Any slight amount of doubt whether you'll make it or not
Should be handled by waiting
Because that doubt about not making it could turn into a full certainty when you're smashed into someone else

But it happens all the time without fail
I cannot drive through town without getting ******* at someone's stupidity
People hate waiting
Even if its only for two seconds
And I don't get it
Where do you possibly have to be that's so **** important
Everyone is constantly in a hurry all the time
FYI, driving slow and taking your time saves so much gasoline it's not even funny
If you wanna stop complaining about burning through gas,
Just drive slower
It won't **** you
It actually might save you
(Ex: it use to take me a quarter tank of gas to get to school and back when driving 70-80 MPH. I was following the speed of traffic. Now I drive the speed limit which is 55. My gas needle does not move!)

Driving under the influence?
Only god knows
Don't get me wrong
Some drugs are awesome
But not while driving
Putting other people's lives at risk by driving with a foggy head?
(Babies, children, families)
Not cool whatsoever
Do you care at all
Obviously not if you're doing so
Who cares if you **** someone
Everyone does it
It happens all the time
I have to trust that you wild human beings are watching the roads and being alert
But I already know that you are not concerned in the least bit to watch where you're going
Heaven for bid you put down that phone for more than three minutes

I don't like having this paranoia chewing on my gut every time I need to go somewhere
I have my headlights on 95% of the time
Why?
So people can easily see me coming
What do I see when I drive?
No one because people don't drive with their headlights on during a ******* blizzard or heavy rain
Hell! People don't drive with their headlights on in the ****** dark
Let alone a little rain
Someone ran me off the road once because they weren't paying attention and they totaled my beautiful ******* car
In plain day light
Basically T-***** me right into a ditch
Why?
Because he couldn't take one tiny second out of his very important life to stop at a ****** ******* stop sign?!?
And by conserving that second he slowed us both down by painfully whole hours
He ruined my whole month
Ruined my whole driving career
Because I carry around this paranoia chained to my leg that weighs about as much as a boulder
Giving me all these hellish problems that could've easily been avoided
You can see why I hate driving with a burning passion
No one follows the rules
I hate watching out for morons when it shouldn't need to be done

This is what bothers the **** out of me
They are giving licenses to ANYONE now a days
The ******* driving test is suppose to be a hard ******* test
They need to make it harder in my opinion
If its one thing that I wish people would do
Is follow the traffic laws
If everyone did that
We wouldn't need insurance
We wouldn't have problems
We wouldn't have to cuss at each other and get enraged
Road rage wouldn't exist
I wouldn't have to drive and get a heart attack every time someone swerves in front of me
I don't like having random obstacles like that

I drive the speed limit
Why?
Because if someone hits me
I won't get blamed
You don't like how I drive?
You can't complain because I follow all the rules
You can't say a **** word about it
I like being relaxed when I drive
I leave myself enough time to get to my planned destination
I don't like to rush around because that's the number one thing that ***** people up
You hurry and your mind forgets every little ****
If you're late and you're stuck behind me going 40 in a 35
Sorry Bub but I ain't gonna go any faster for you
I do not want to get into an accident and have to deal with all that **** again
Or get pulled over and have the little money I have get ****** outta my pockets
Not gonna happen
Get into an accident and see how you like it
Get pulled over and waste money
Go head
Be my guest
Afterwards, I bet you'll give the road 50% more of your undivided attention

Don't look at me for answers
I can't tell YOU what YOU like
But I can tell when you're lying

To drown myself in
The happiest of all things
Will let me die gay

Completely overwhelmed with nonsense bullsharks
To a point where panic eats at my conscious
Putting myself in such a position where nothing can be done
Drowning in my own emotions and choking down gulps of air
Dizzy thoughts swirl around in my mind
The pattern repeats a thousand times and again
Adding something here and there
Outta whack and discombobulated
Sweat mixes with tears of anxiety
Under goes my head with a plop
Struggling my hardest to reach the surface
But the tug of stress pulls me down
Drifting lower and lower
Surrounding me in guilt
With the swirling repetitive pattern of thoughts still swarming my head
They twist and turn
Forming disfigured maps and mazes
And the impossible cycle has a snowball affect
It grows and grows with great speeds
Creating nothing but problems that bowl me over
Lay me out flat to stare up at the heavens
Giving me the chance to think about prayer
Struggling to get a grip on anything
Instead of getting things on the list done
One by one things are added
And I just think about them
Frustration is towering over me
Looking down and spitting with laughter
You puny being, *******
I swing into this mood of hatred
I hate myself I say out loud
For putting myself down because all I do is think
For putting myself here in the first place
I tell myself to get my *** up and do something
Take a hit
Start a fight
But the cycle just starts all up again
Creating a coward out of me
And the idea pops up that I'll never be able to survive on my own
I'll never be able to do everything by myself
I can't grab life by the horns
I'll just get my *** kicked

My body shudders from pain within
It aches with a terrible longing for her single minded attention
I desperately need a sign to show me what direction to proceed
Awakened is my heart from an enduring slumber
Every peek craves an enormous quantity of binding passion
It deeply begs my head to put forth so much more effort
But the chemical balance teeters unevenly to adequately persuade a definite decision
Quickly forcing such strong emotions upon her without completely figuring the facts
Would certainly be a huge mistake that could end all chances forever
Corresponding steps is what process my head finds fit
But patience pounds on my bones with an eager so full of hope that it bulges
It dangerously insists on bursting to create a mocking display of dependency
And as this war amid strikingly nudges points that accompany each side's view
The very outcome for each debate is the same
With equivalent factors on the scale a pandemonium of inconsequential arguments collide into tidal waves
That crash onto the surface and expire before any effect takes place
Because all at once the realization of the absurdity hits like bricks
Finally a conclusion is contrived
No matter the path that is taken
This war isn't between the confined parts that lie within my bones
It's dispersed all throughout my surroundings
And contrary to reason there are no possible ways to win

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it dosent, then it was never meant to be."
This right here
Is what I think about everyday
Since you've been back
Out of nowhere
Your bright appearance teases a smile
I convinced myself that you'd never come back
Alone and broken
For what seemed like a century
I had no way of knowing
That you missed me
Or even thought about me
And I've wondered about it
About what's going on
On your side of the wall
And so I think about this quote
But I'm scared
That I might be misinterpreting this situation
What if it doesn't mean anything at all
I want to say things to you though
But I find myself in the wrong position
I think
She just missed talking to me
Simple
That's all
But she had to have pulled guts out of somewhere
To start talking to me again
She made that move
What if she's waiting for me to make mine
And what if I make her wait too long
Is there such thing as too long
If its Love
But somewhere inside of me
I think I know that
She doesn't want me back
She just wants someone to talk to
And I love being that person
I get so happy talking to her
It's a confused kind of happy
A happiness that I can't stop
It's unconditional
The thought of trying to step up
To a next level
If there even is one
Is picking my brain apart
It hurts not knowing what to do
I have to figure out something
I don't want to sit back
Small talk is running out
I want to explore your mind
I want to deepen this new start
But I feel like that's not my place
I feel like its your call
I feel insecure about what I do
Ever since that last act
But the only thing I can think of is to go slow
And see what happens
Start out as little as possible
And then inch toward some kind of goal
It's come to a point where I wonder if we'll talk today
And then you text me
For how many days in a row now
And that tells me something
I don't know if that something is true
Maybe I shouldn't think into anything
I always think too much
Stop thinking too much
Just shut the **** up about it

Can I come back home
Are you over it yet
I don't mean to rush you
But please don't forget

Take all the time you need
I'm afraid there's not that much
But I'll give you all the room
I just pray that you'll keep in touch

I'll still be here waiting when you come around
You know exactly where I'll be
Wondering about the things on your mind
For I can feel that they're about me

You scared me so far away
That I'm terrified to reach you
I act like you'll come back one day
But we all know what's true

You'll never come back
Or even say a word
My deepest apology
Has been left unheard

If you ever found it
You'd be sure to know
My vulnerable state
is awfully low

If you're kind and gentle
To inch your way in
You'll fool me silly
And fake love will begin

Let me cry in your shirt
As you hold me tight
Convince me that this
Is oh so right

Timing is all it takes
And I'll fall for you fast
You say that you love me
To make me forget the past

Still seeing with eyes closed
Not wanting to get hurt
The one that said she loved me
Is now treating me like dirt

And now I'm left here
Just where I started
Beaten up
And broken hearted

How do I find the time
To let myself really heal
I don't want to be blind
I legit want to feel

So I push everyone away
To let my heart chill
This has to be the only way
To not fall downhill

But I find myself slipping
And I don't know why
I can't figure it out
So frustration makes me cry

So I'm at that point again
Where I'm as low as low
So the first person to sneak in
Will obviously lead the flow

Stopping this *******
Is what I need to do
I need to take control
And I need to stay true

Growing a back bone
To stand up tall
Piece it together
Before I lose it all

So what does this mean
Does it mean anything at all
Are there any feelings left
Or are you twisting the real meaning around my head
Snapping my neck
And destroying my motivation
How should I approach this
Should I take a quiet step back
And let it all fester and settle down
Wisely study and analyze each surprising word conversed
Or should I leap off the cliff and leave only a cloud of dust behind
My feet look for a place to land
But as of right now
I just fall at a constant velocity
Free falling with no parachute
No net
No harness
No guide
But the question is
Will I leap and suspend myself in winds that only the birds master
My answer to that will be no
Absolutely not
Not until I grow wings to carry me
My heart needs to look through its scope and aim it's knowledge carefully at it's target
I will not pull any trigger unless I am absolutely sure of what I'm shooting
A scanner examines me from head to toe
Results show an awfully big shock
Detecting that there is something still there in my chest
It has always been there
But it's not me I'm uncertain of
It's her
It has always been her
She proved to me once that she had a heart the size of the moon
But will she shine through the darkness that has congregated over the months
And why or how
Why would she turn completely around when she was so sure of having her back towards me
The direction she was going was a bold move that said everything
I shut everything down
I convinced myself that I couldn't climb that mountain that was behind me
So I had no choice but to turn around and start forward
And the paces I took dragged a long ways along nothingness
A walk through a desert with an occasional rain here and there
And all of a sudden a lightning bolt to light up a new path
I took the bait she was fishing with
Dangling it all around me
Tempting my hunger
And I caved
I replied to that question
My curiosity is hard to put a rein on
And right now I feel content
I shouldn't feel the way I feel
But I do
Why do we feel a certain way
What are the combination of factors that determine our feeling's outcome
All these emotions were put in and the hypothesis states that I should feel angry, offended and abandoned
But I don't
And back to the original questions
What does this mean
Honestly I have no idea
Does it mean anything at all
It has to
Are there any feelings left
On my part there certainly is

You pushed me away
When I wanted to be there
You crushed my heart
When I loved you from the start
You didn't believe me
When I poured my heart out
And after all those tears
I would take you back any second

Why do I find myself smiling
When she hurt me so bad
This girl that I see
Reminds me so much of Her
Her long blonde hair
The way she turns her head
And whips that hair around
The beauty in her face!
The flawless smooth skin
Bubbly personality that outshines everyone else
Very bold and very alive
Her excitement in her body language
Eyes stuck on her
Forgetting about everyone else
These two people are freakishly identical
Even her glasses and style
Even the shape of her curves
So alike
But
Why do I find this dumb radiant smile on my face
When She's no longer mine
And the after thought She brings me
She just dropped me like sack of potatoes
But this smile has to mean something
Perhaps in takes me back to when things were so wonderfully perfect
Or that I really am over it
Both successfully moved on
Or maybe I just like this new girl because she's just so ******* beautiful
Even though she makes a connection to my past
She's honestly pure gorgeous
And obviously I'm thinking way beyond rational thinking
But I can't help it
These two girls are the same in every way
But this smile just means that I can enjoy beauty
Simply taking it in and savoring it
I'm a sucker for a beautiful girl
I can admit that very clearly

My body wildly craves abuse
It begs me to work for pain
So I push myself to the edge
Or sometimes over it
But as I am still young
In a sense, my body can handle it
Or at least I like to think so
So I'll hurt the next day
(From running 8 miles)
Or I'll puke my guts out
(From partying with people)
But anatomy is super cool
Our bodies can gain muscle
Process alcohol
Consume drugs
Experience a variety of things
But we will heal
Repair ourselves
And do it all over again

My body is addicted to attention
As well as probably yours
And his
And hers
We beg inside for pleasure
We work ourselves to find someone
Or something
To make us feel better
(At the top of our game)
A significant other to touch us
Or a sweet sweet to munch on
Or a work out to sweat it out
And we are young
So we want as much as we can
(We can't get enough)
To last us the rest of our lives
And experience is part of it
I want as much experience as possible
Because in all honesty
I don't know what I like till I try it
Pretty much that goes for everyone
(Most of the scary stuff is in your mind)
Get past it
I crave experience
Good or bad

My body thrives on achievements
It begs me to keep up the good work
I push myself because I'm young
Things are easier to do now
Compared to later
I see older people struggle with everything
I want to keep these muscles I have
So I will work them hard now
(I will run and lift weights)
I want to keep my mind open
And I'll experience a bunch of things
(Drugs, drinks and ***)
So I will have fun crazy stories to tell when I'm old
Cause that's all old people are good for
Telling good stories
Right?
So I'll continue my journey
Through all the new experiences to come
The only thing I wish
Is that I would've started this journey
A LONG TIME AGO
(I've wasted half my youth)
And that disappoints me deeply

Love life, Sir
That's all you have to do
Love life with all your heart
For that's what He loves
You have a heart mightier than all others, Sir
"Defeat your enemies with kindness. Hate feeds hate, only love slays it."
And love as deeply as you can
Because if you lose that love
All hope will be lost
And for when hopeless
It seems as if nothing
Nothing
Could be mended
In what seems like the end
That love will save you, Sir
"That is hope, even for the hopeless."
If you hold onto that love
You can outsmart the devil
"Put as much effort as possible into pursuing the best things you can think of."
Be the best that you can be
Polite and collected, Sir
Focus on what you can do
Instead of the price of failure
"And as little as possible into struggling against the bad."
Some things can be negotiated
Not all things come down to standard rules
"It's your heart that's most important, not the rules."
So if your heart shines boldly
And deeply your love is found
Defeating the devil through life
Should show no bounds, Sir

That oh so lazy comfort
Warm and content
Knowing that you slept well
And dreamt even better
Immobilized by your visions
Wanting only to close these eyes
To re enter the dream world
Outside the covers is a cold world
One you do not have the slightest interest for
Because she won't be there when your eyes are open
So you're simply tempted to lay back down
Shut your eyes tight
To lose yourself again
Begging for more
Because you don't want to do anything
But be with her again
So happy just buried in pillows
Taken away to some outlandish paradise
Soft and smoothly encased in warm cozy blankets
That through your dreaming eyes
Those blankets wrapped around you
Are really her lips wrapped around yours
The thought of leaving this place is unbearable
Nothing bad happens here
It's when the daylight wrenches my eyes open
To bring me back to earth
That I realize
I don't want to be here
Alone
I just want to lay here forever
To go back to my paradise

It's like I can see it in my head
As you're texting the words to me
I can see how stressed you are
Your head in your hands
Pounding with frustration
Constant wheels turning
I can only imagine how exhausting it is
And I squirm and struggle to sit here
Because I can't do anything about it
Oh how I wish I could take you away
Teach you how to relax
Slow down time
Count each breath
Feel it
Fill your lungs
Feel me
Seize your stress
Let me work those knots
Lay you down and straddle your body
Kneed your skin and play with your hair
Ease your mind off those headaches
I can make the pain disappear
Dissolve away
I'll mold your mind into a warm balance
Nothing but my hands on your mind
Forgotten the outside world
Feel me
Awaken forgotten nerves
Feel it
Relax your muscles
Please
I beg
Let me take you away