I am trapped
With bleeding wrists
I'm my own prisoner
Cuffed deep down in the cold dark dungeon of my own soul
Impossible to break free
Why can't I see what other people see
A kind, gentle, and fun loving person
Because I'm the one behind the scenes
Controlling these puppet strings
With the help of ****** judgement
They're the crazy ones
Not me
I beat myself to death
And I believe that I deserve every ounce of it
I'm convinced that I'm a monster
I run my life by portraying illusions
Making people see what they want to see
But I am no magician
I hold no tricks up my sleeve
I try to make myself as fun and loving as I can
For the sake of others
But there's always someone that gets hurt
Which constantly hurts myself
I feel all these lies,
All these fake **** attitudes twisted up in my guts
And fault dances around my head
Taunting and cussing
Pointing its bullying finger at me
"You fake ****!"
Society always said that its better to be nice
And it's easier to be nice
But it's not
It's not at all
I've always thought that I was considerably nice enough
But my ego is what tells me that
And egos run purely on lies
I wish I was a kind and gentle being
But these scars don't scream gentle to me
I'm sunk below the surface
Drowning
Not even reaching for air anymore
The struggle is not worth it
Hurting people isn't what I want to do
But it's all that ever happens
So how am I not a monster?
I'm a monster full of lies
How can I be both kind and hurtful
One or the other
How doesn't anyone else see how awful I am
"Because you hide every ounce of honesty behind a thick brick wall"
You hide all your bad thoughts because your super ego says that they are morally wrong
So I filter it out and say things that are socially acceptable
The clean and nice version
And 20 years of this
Turned me into a freak who has no identification
I'm a blank screen
No real personality
A joke
I blame school
I blame my sexuality
I blame society
All school taught me was how to be fake
And how to only show emotions that are acceptable
It never taught me how to deal with the emotions that I can't handle
It conditioned me to hide everything that's wrong
Store it away and forget about it
Black it out and pretend to be this nice person who cares about others
Tuck your shirt in and stand up tall
But whispers from some deep far away place come knocking at my door
And remind me that everyone does see how ****** up you are
"Everyone ******* hates your guts! Remember?"
"You're a **** up and you deserve no happiness."
And I realize that I will never love myself
I will never respect myself
I will never attract anyone
I'm a loner who will remain alone forever
Because I'm a box full of trash and lies
I can't love a monster
How can I tell myself I love myself if I stay this way
I need to change something in order for that to happen
I can't be a monster
How the **** am I suppose to accept myself
How do I truly change
Be real
Be honest
And still be faithful
How do I break that conditioned habit
If I become honest
It'll be brutally honest
If I let myself free
How will I ever keep myself tame
Acceptance is the number one step
If I go around hurting people then how can I possibly accept that?
Or the way I go through each day ignoring everyone
Because I don't feel worthy enough to even meet someone else's eyes
I'm shy
I'm quiet
I have demons whispering into my ear
Telling me all these rotten ideas
Convincing me that I'm a coward and a **** up
And I straight up listen
And I hear "that no one wants you"
And I get so mad
But I believe every word
I can't block them out
And anger takes over and I dare someone to say something to me
Pick a fight
Throw a jab
"Come on!!!"
All so I can release these images of violence that are being fed to my nerves
But I'm afraid there's no safe way
There is no way to be myself
Because I simply don't know how
How do I filter myself without filtering myself too much
But I feel like it has to happen
I feel like I HAVE to let myself go
I have to start living
Maybe once I let go and get a feel for it
I'll swing into something that's real
Explore the options
Ill never know what will happen unless I do something about it
And I can not,
Will not,
Straight up refuse,
To be this fake person any longer
I'm done being pushed around
I'm done letting you control me
I've been controlled for too long and I think that's why I don't have a ******* clue who I am
I let people choose my words
I let people tell me what to do
But not anymore
No ******* more